mariness

Of limericks and clowns

2015-04-01T13:58:31Z

Ignore the date. Mostly. The following announcements are real. Mostly:

1. Stone Telling has launched its joke issue, which includes three limericks by me. (And yes, one of those includes dinoflagellates because, well, dinoflagellates.) If the thought of limericks makes you cringe, good news: the issue also includes a considerably better villanelle by David Sklar which is definitely worth a look.

2. But if the thought of limericks doesn't make you cringe, read on. Well, read on anyway: Unlikely Story is launching Clowns: The Unlikely Coulrophobia Remix. If the project funds, it will contain a book with a little flash story by me about, natch, a clown. (Actually it's only somewhat about the clown. That is, it has a clown, but it's mostly about other things.)

Among the backer awards: limericks, by me, printed on little clown postcards. If that horrifies you, and I can't say I blame you, Unlikely Story is offering other, better awards, including microfictions, clown art, and short story critiques. Or you can just grab the ebook.

Samples of the sort of story you'll find in the final book appear here.

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There could - there COULD - be limericks.

2015-03-24T14:53:38Z

Dr. Lemberg hated rhyme -
Or so she told us very time,
"Writing rhyme is such a crime --
it covers all poets with icky grime --"
And so we believed her little mime.
Until one morning, in her prime
she dazzled us with rhymes sublime
and we decided, with one ringing chime --
Swamp Stone Telling with awful rhyme!

....I'm pleased to say that it appears we have, in fact, accomplished this. Stay tuned.

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Unrelated matters again

2010-05-09T17:19:22Z

1. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

2. Speaking of mothers, a limerick:

A dragon once said to his mummy,
I need something to warm my tummy,
The gold I gave you,
will certainly do –
Although perhaps you think that is scummy?

3. If you missed the Saturday Night Live hosted by Betty White last night, it's up on Hulu.com, so get off Livejournal, stop missing it, and go listen to Betty White talk about her muffin (the NPR parody is also spot on) and chat with a census worker.

And while we're on the topic, this remains one of my all time favorite Betty White late night moments.

4. Alas, I must confirm the dire hints on my Twitter feed: the Little One is in deep, but deep, but deep, disgrace, thanks, he claims, entirely through his bravery in tracking down a small lizard, and thanks, I point out, to his refusal to obey my explicit and repeated orders to LEAVE ALL LIZARDS ALONE since they eat bugs. His 3 am chase involved the lizard, the table, the chair, two high bookshelves, a wide sheath of destruction, a lamp, and, most distressingly, the crocodile harp from southeast Asia that went crashing into the table. The table is fine; the lizard is fine; the crocodile's tail, not so much. I can't help thinking that the crocodile would have preferred to be wounded in some more glamorous, or at least, useful, manner.

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Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T14:32:19Z

And to start your day off on a properly horrible note, some limericks!

There once was a stylish vampire,
who sang in an unholy choir.
The group made him itch;
he begged, with a twitch,
"At least shed this Gothic attire!"

No? How about:

There once was a tragic vampire,
who felt unlife had become a quagmire
until he met Meg,
and nibbled her leg,
Woo-hoo! He remembered desire.

Too much? How about:

If tonight you encounter a Mummy,
remember to think of your tummy:
Keep your candy near,
whatever your fear –
the Mummy might make it quite scummy.

Ok, ok. Mummy fail. How about:

Said Dracula's Bride to the Mummy –
"Don't you think that we ought to be chummy?
We're twin monsters both,
And I wouldn't be loath,
Plus– your bandages might be quite yummy."

"Oh," the flattered Mummy replied,
And then he shuddered and sighed.
"See, if my lips touch you,
my linens will too,
And you'd end up being quite tied."

The Bride gave a delightful giggle,
and approached him with a lush wiggle,
She said, with a wink,
"Dude, that's my kink–
Come! Let me teach you to jiggle and squiggle!"

And so the Mummy and Dracula's Bride
swiftly disrobed and went inside
a nice pyramid,
with a supper of squid,
quite as if they had never died.

But the story has a terrible end,
for the Mummy and his new girlfriend.
When his ribbons fell,
he didn't quite swell –
And some things did not quite extend.

And so she stood up with a cry –
And a terrible look in her eye –
"I really don't think,
this quite meets my kink.
I can't even sip blood from your thigh!"

And so they both caught on fire,
the mummy and lovely vampire,
The reason for this?
No, not a kiss–
I just needed this ode to expire.

************

I think it's safe to say that I still haven't mastered the limerick.

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