Green Lantern
Jun. 19th, 2011 08:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessSnark SLIGHTLY delayed by US Open in Golf. And now....
Green Lantern:
Ok, first off: I never really read the Green Lantern comics. So I know pretty much zilch about the universe, the characters, and so on, except for the pretty cool rings and the lighting effects, and I have no opinion, and by no opinion, I mean, none, on which Green Lantern is "the best" – Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, John Stewart or Kyle Raymer, names I just got from Wikipedia. (If they are wrong this is entirely Wikipedia's fault.) In fact I may be the only person here slightly more familiar with Alan Scott than the rest of the Green Lanterns, this because for years my only exposure to Green Lantern was in a compendium of the Great American Superheroes, focusing on works on the 1940s and Wonder Woman in all of her S&M glory. This was not the best of exposures to Green Lantern.
Second off, it might be best to not see this film with a scientist. Just saying.
Opening credits: Hi! We're going to do just a little ripoff from the Marvel movie credits here, mostly to prepare you for the considerably larger ripoffs we're about to do from the Marvel comics and movies later.
Portentious-sounding voiceover: Let me send lasers throughout the universe!
Subtitles: Let us jump in here, lest you mistake this CGI-generated asteroid for, well, a CGI-generated asteroid.
Three random people: Let us free the CGI villain from his CGI prison, accidentally mostly, because, nothing like starting off a film showing a villain unable to free himself, and send the villain soaring through the lasers and CGI of THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE.
Parallax: But first, before I go eat civilizations, let me kill my unintentional rescuers through bad dialogue. Ok, hungry now. Where's the nearest fast-civilization drive through? Or, fly through. Hmm. For a ghost like creature I'm incredibly hungry.
Meanwhile, in SECTOR 1814, a number I'm assuming HAD SOME PORTENTIOUS MEANING, more CGI ships go round and round in a DIZZYING fashion, not EATING anything.
Red-headed dude: Hi! I'm Sinestro. You'd think, with a name like that, not to mention the superior attitude I'll be displaying later in the film, no one would trust me, but instead, I'm standing here in front of some immortal Guardian people who are believing my every word. Populations are vanishing! Rings are weakening! Holograms are suffering!
Guardians: We could explain that, but why reveal the nature of a threat so early in the film?
Parallex: Meanwhile, I'll just attack this guy with a ring and mortally wound him, although, for the sake of the plot since we don't have much of one so far, I'll wound him just enough to kill him but give him time to crash land on Earth.
Hal Jordan: For some inexplicable reason, I am waking up next to a gorgeous blonde woman. The fact that this SURPRISES me is but one of many hints that I shall need to be making MANY LIFESTYLE and PERSONALITY changes as we go through the show. Oh, I'm so late. Let me showcase my irresponsibility while trying to wrap a birthday present in newspaper while driving wildly through traffic. I FEAR NO TRAFFIC! Even though, as we will later discover, I am actually FULL of FEAR. Just, not of traffic.
Carol Ferris: Hi! I'm here to provide the love interest and rare SEXUAL tension needed in this film since it's clear that wasn't going to be provided by the blonde, and inexplicably won't be provided by the generally incredibly hot Angela Bassett appearing later in the film. I am also a SKILLED test pilot and BUSINESS GENIUS, although you may find this last part QUESTIONABLE since I am TRUSTING Hal Jordan to take an INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE military jet UP IN THE SKY and SPIN IT ROUND AND ROUND, mostly because I FIND him hot although it's TOO EARLY for me in the film to ADMIT THIS. Oh, Hal, you're late. Will you ever take life seriously?
Hal Jordan: Perhaps if I unexpectedly run into a crash landed alien.
Carol: This is IMPORTANT, Hal! It sets up a scene LATER in the film since our SPECIAL EFFECTS guys will be TOO CHEAP to think of a BETTER SHOT! Move it!
Hal and Carol head out in military jets against some ROBOT PLANES that are SUPPOSEDLY IMMUNE from HUMAN error, a statement that MIGHT TIE in NICELY to the movie's theme of the FRAILITY of HUMANS better if the robots weren't PROGRAMMED BY HUMANS. Although Carol is SUPPOSEDLY a kickass TEST PILOT, she RAPIDLY LOSES to the ROBOTS. Fortunately, since Hal has SEEN IRON MAN, Hal SHOOTS UP to the UPPER ATMOSPHERE in the film's SECOND MAJOR THEFT from a Marvel film. Hal's plane and the ROBOTS begin to FALL APART because they CAN'T HANDLE THE SPACE.
Hal: Since I could die at any moment, this seems like a convenient time for a flashback! My father died while testing a plane even though I RAN DRAMATICALLY towards the BURNING WRECKAGE to STOP IT. In fairness to me I was like ten. Clearly, I have become a SECOND DESTROYER of EXPENSIVE MILITARY AIRCRAFT to honor his memory, although a NICE PLAQUE or STATUE would have been cheaper.
Carol: So, Hal. You disobeyed a direct command, destroyed two expensive robot planes and your own military plane and cost us thousands of jobs in the local area. Instead of firing you, I will….ground you. Will someone explain why I'm supposed to be a great business leader?
Hal: No! Because, Carol, you should be a pilot, not someone in a business suit! Not just because those shoes look incredibly uncomfortable! Have we made it clear to the audience yet that we SECRETLY want to SLEEP together even though I have a hot blonde making BETTER SHOE CHOICES at home? Yes? In that case, time for an INTIMATE FAMILY MOMENT with a CUTE KID.
Cute kid: Thanks for ruining my birthday by ALMOST DYING, Uncle Hal.
Hal: Well, I'm paid NOT to be scared. Is anyone else SENSING a FEAR theme here?
Weird alien green thing: Why, yes!
Weird alien green ball thing SWOOPS Hal up and TAKES him near the OCEAN to DUMP HIM in a PUDDLE to keep things on a FRIENDLY NOTE.
Hal: Huh. An alien.
Alien, not so quietly dying: Damn. A human.
Hal: Since human hospitals will be certain to have doctors familiar with your alien anatomy and how to fix wounds inflicted by the POWER OF FEAR, I shall call 911.
Alien: We have no time! The ring chose you. Charge it with this GREEN LANTERN, because despite our superior technologies, we believe in using obvious and unattractive and, frankly, rather silly power sources. We blame the 1940s. The ring chose you because of your fearlessness. Also, your sense of responsibility!
Hal: Has the ring been watching the film?
Alien: I'll just die now before this conversation gets even less useful.
Hal's best friend: I will tactfully not ask why the ring chose the good looking white guy and not, to pick someone at random, the more intelligent minority guy*, and just note offhandedly that perhaps, on their planet, responsibility means asshole.
Audience: Finally! An observation we can agree with!
Sinestro: A great light has gone out of the universe. I'm so upset I can only speak in clichés.
Parallax: I'm so hungry. More civilizations!
Meanwhile, to speed up the film, Hector, a pathetic scientist, decides to MAKE A SANDWICH. When this FAILS to ADD DRAMA, mysterious FEDERAL AGENTS KIDNAP him.
Angela Bassett: Hi! I've brought you here, Hector, because you have a degree in xenobiology!
C: Who gives a degree in xenobiology????
Angela: Here! Autopsy this agent for us!
C: We haven't DISCOVERED any aliens yet. Nobody has a degree in this! I mean if they'd said he was a marine biologist –
Me: If he was a marine biologist, he'd be using better laboratory conditions.
Quite probably because Hector DOES NOT hold a PhD in marine biology, and perhaps because he has not watched ENOUGH FILMS with EVIL ALIENS, he chooses to AUTOPSY the dead alien wearing ONLY a SURGICAL MASK in distinctly NON STERILE conditions.
C: This is why my department needs more funding!
Evil Alien Substance: You know, they don't even make it CHALLENGING any more.
To the surprise of NO ONE, Hector is INFECTED by the EVIL ALIEN SUBSTANCE.
Me, doubtfully: Maybe that was the plan.
Hal: To deflect attention away from the BAD SCIENCE in this film, I shall now attempt to pledge allegiance to a lantern. To infinity and beyond! By the Power of Greyskull! [The last bits Real Dialogue.]
Lantern: I can't take any more of this. Let me TAKE OVER your mind and give you the oath!
Harold: It's like, convergent evolution! I HAVE to say this, otherwise the audience might start DOUBTING my scientific credentials. With reason.
Carol: Hi, Hal. I'm here to see you because….I'm here….The film needs a romantic moment. Which I shall quickly ruin by ASKING PAINFUL PERSONAL QUESTIONS.
Three random dudes: Because that wasn't depressing enough, we shall now attack Hal.
Special effects: You called?
Green special effects SLAM three guys spinning into walls and cars, before scooping Hal up, shooting PAST the space station, and heading INTO OUTER SPACE, allowing the film to sneak in a scene of a BARELY clothed Hal Jordan.
Fish dude: Hi! Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps, protectors of peace and justice in the known galaxy. We've chosen you, a guy who helps to develop WAR EQUIPMENT, but to join our ranks, you must first listen to some EXPOSITION and go through some training and insults.
Sinestro: We've never been defeated! Let's go! Parallax shall die!
Green Lanterns, who apparently only include one GIRL Lantern who never speaks although to be fair it's a bit difficult to tell: GO US!
Sinestro, to Hal: I won't tolerate weak links, and since I've seen the film, I can tell you fit that category. Start training!
Film blows a SIGNIFICANT PART of its SPECIAL EFFECTS budget to INEFFECTIVELY TRAIN HAL.
Film: In a desperate attempt to DEFLECT ATTENTION from the CHEESINESS of the Green Lantern oath, I shall rapidly intercut between scenes, turning the GOOD LOOKING, IRRESPONSIBLE JOCK into a hero and the HARDWORKING, RESPONSIBLE NERD into a pathetic villain, entirely FORGETTING that I would not exist if nerds hadn't happily SUPPORTED MY COMICS.
Sinestro: You dishonor the dead guy's memory by wearing this ring.
Meanwhile, Hector, the supposed xenobiologist, LECTURES some bored students on ARCHAEA. Hector OVERHEARS their mental voices.
Me: ...Archaea aren't alien lifeforms or boring, even if Microsoft Word refuses to recognize the spelling.
Hector: I am shocked, shocked, that any of my students would find me boring. So shocked, I shall ATTACK him with MY MIND, instead of giving him the FASCINATING INFORMATION about archaea and extremophiles.
Green Lanterns: To repeat the point, we NEVER LOSE!
Green Lanterns ATTACK Parallax and LOSE.
Green Lanterns: We need a new motto!
Guardians: Time for a flashback, to clarify the TACTICAL DILEMMA we FIND OURSELVES IN. Do we stick with the method that has worked for thousands of years, WAIT for Hal Jordan to GET HIS ACT TOGETHER, or WORK with the power of yellow fear, which EATS CIVILIZATIONS?
Sinestro: Since I've seen the film, I'm going for the eating civilization option.
As the Guardians and Green Lanterns DESPERATELY PREPARE to save the UNIVERSE, all the HUMAN characters HEAD TO A PARTY.
Hector: Oh, Carol. You are so gorgeous, and with those earrings, you clearly have AMAZINGLY STRONG EARS. I recently autopsied an alien body!
Carol: In the context of this film, that's actually relatively decent cocktail conversation! Plus, you're employed! But I'm still going for the good-looking jock. Not that I'm shallow or anything, but because that's kinda the theme of the film.
Interrupting this scintillating dialogue, a HELICOPTER decides to CRASH into the PARTY.
Hal: I shall use my Green Lantern powers to….send the helicopter skidding on a green race track? And take advantage of this moment to have the inevitable Save the Girl and Fly Off With Her Scene.
Hector: Because this night can't possibly get any worse, I shall start smashing my lab equipment.
Hal HEADS to Carol. In an unexpected MOMENT OF SENSE from the film, she is able to RECOGNIZE him despite the CHEESY GREEN MASK since they have slept together and all that even though they are NOT SLEEPING TOGETHER NOW. Hal gives Carol a GREEN necklace instead of a PEARL one. (Cough) Various people MEET UP with Hector and FAIL to mention that he CURRENTLY has a VERY BIG HEAD.
Senator: Hector! My less than beloved son! You've been exposed to EVIL ALIEN things. I can't STAND the sight.
Hal has a DEEP MOMENT OF THINKING. My popcorn SPILLS EVERYWHERE, giving us THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT SO FAR as we try to SAVE THE POPCORN and GET IT OFF MY SHOES.
Senator: I just want what's best for you!
Hector: I will take that as permission to KILL YOU!
For no particularly GOOD REASON, Hal BECOMES AWARE that HECTOR is KILLING VARIOUS POLITICIANS. Rather than APPLAUD THIS ACTION, Hal RUSHES to their DEFENSE, FIGHTING HECTOR. To SAVE ON THE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET, the two KNOCK EACH OTHER OUT KINDA QUICKLY, and then REST ON THE FLOOR, STARING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.
Hector: Let's see. With my new found telepathic powers, I could invade your mind and discover the truth about the millions and millions of ALIEN LIFE FORMS out there, or even FIND OUT SECRETS of MILITARY FIGHTER JETS and SELL THESE to the CHINESE FOR BIG BUCKS. Instead, I shall invade your mind to find out if you're really dating Carol or not. This may explain why I am generally dissatisfied with my life.
Hector KILLS his father. No one except, inexplicably, Hal, feels at ALL BAD about this.
Parallax: Just sneaking in here to remind you that of all the civilizations I could be attacking, I'm coming to eat you.
Hal: Well, that clearly demonstrated that the ring made a mistake.
Carol: Although I have no basis for this statement at all, I believe in you! You don't have to eliminate fear, you just have to overcome it!
Hal: Remarkably enough, this inspiring speech is enough to make me fly off to the world of the Lanterns and the Guardians to get permission to DEFEND MY PLANET which….pretty much I should be doing anyway. Don't USE fear, Green Lanterns! Overcome it!
Sinestro: Well, thanks for explaining this AFTER we've made our nice yellow fear rings.
Hal: Ok, basically, humans suck, but, we can teach you to overcome your fears! So, can I go defend my planet now?
Guardians: If it will end this scene and get us back to some action, sure!
In a genuine MEDICAL MIRACLE, Hector has managed to WORK HIS WAY through the HORRORS of both PRIVATE INSURANCE and MEDICARE to FIND AN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR WITHIN HOURS, a fantastic achievement that IMMEDIATELY MAKES THE APPEARANCE OF a HUGE, CIVILIZATION EATING FEAR MONSTER seem reasonable and believable in comparison.
Hector: Having DEFIED all reasonable medical insurance, I shall turn to kidnapping!
Hal: Although we probably should make the audience happy with a fight scene, I shall try dialogue instead and offer you my ring. I suck as a jock.
Hector: You also suck at the dialogue. But sure, I'll take the ring. PRETTY.
Negotiations are INTERRUPTED by HUGE CGI SNAKES which apparently WEREN'T ACTUAL SNAKES but APPENDAGES of FEAR MONSTER DUDE, i.e. Parallax.
Me: I don't get this biology.
Parallax: Hector, you have failed me.
Hal tries to fight Parallax but is TORTURED INSTEAD. Carol, to prove that the robot scene earlier in the flick wasn't just a WASTE OF SCREEN TIME, runs to a computer to send the ROBOT PLANES at Parallax. Robot planes BLOW UP. Parallax, understandably BORED, decides to head to a nearby city for SOME LUNCH.
City officials: For your safety, please exit your vehicles and head into the nearest safe buildings. Or, flee.
City people: Well, sure, we could do that, or we could WALK towards the CREEPY BROWN mass in the sky.
Carol: Um, Hal, why are we on the top of this building?
Hal: Carol, if we spend all of our time trying to explain the INEXPLICABLE film edits of this film*, I'll NEVER defeat Parallax!
In a demonstration of this, FILM EXTRAS run wildly LEFT for two seconds, and then wildly RIGHT for two seconds.
Hal: I must run, before the FILM EXTRAS lose ALL SENSE OF DIRECTION! Or, well, FLY! Flee, people, flee!
Hal ATTACKS Parallax with the TERRIBLE POETRY of the GREEN LANTERN OATH, which, not surprisingly, works WELL ENOUGH TO SHOOT them BOTH INTO OUTER SPACE. In keeping with his disdain for technology, Hal SENDS AN INNOCENT SATELLITE into Parallax, IMMEDIATELY DEPRIVING several million ALSO INNOCENT people of cell phone, internet and television coverage. None of this SCARES PARALLAX since he's made of SNAKES and FEAR.
Hal: I shall TRICK HIM into FALLING INTO THE SUN, sorta following the TRICK I used on the ROBOT PLANES earlier.
Parallax: Because I am apparently less intelligent than robot planes, I shall actually fall for this [er, unintentional pun] and FALL into the sun.
Green Lanterns: You'd really think we would have figured that out. Oh, well. To make up for our lack of tactical ability, we will RESCUE Hal.
Sinestro: And now, we shall HONOR Hal for his bravery instead of LETTING HIM HAVE a MUCH NEEDED BATH, while INSULTING HUMANS. Remember, we're the GUARDIANS OF PEACE AND JUSTICE, not TACT.
Hal: Well, Carol, since I've finally proved that I can be responsible when not sending satellites and planes to their doom, this would be a great time for us to start up a relationship, but, I'm going to go into space instead.
Carol: ...but that means a sequel. Gulp.
Hal: This entire movie is about overcoming fear.
* Internet rumor claims that the director's cut of this film would be six hours long, which does explain bits like this where, seriously, we have no explanation for why these two are on the roof, and other huh bits.
Green Lantern:
Ok, first off: I never really read the Green Lantern comics. So I know pretty much zilch about the universe, the characters, and so on, except for the pretty cool rings and the lighting effects, and I have no opinion, and by no opinion, I mean, none, on which Green Lantern is "the best" – Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, John Stewart or Kyle Raymer, names I just got from Wikipedia. (If they are wrong this is entirely Wikipedia's fault.) In fact I may be the only person here slightly more familiar with Alan Scott than the rest of the Green Lanterns, this because for years my only exposure to Green Lantern was in a compendium of the Great American Superheroes, focusing on works on the 1940s and Wonder Woman in all of her S&M glory. This was not the best of exposures to Green Lantern.
Second off, it might be best to not see this film with a scientist. Just saying.
Opening credits: Hi! We're going to do just a little ripoff from the Marvel movie credits here, mostly to prepare you for the considerably larger ripoffs we're about to do from the Marvel comics and movies later.
Portentious-sounding voiceover: Let me send lasers throughout the universe!
Subtitles: Let us jump in here, lest you mistake this CGI-generated asteroid for, well, a CGI-generated asteroid.
Three random people: Let us free the CGI villain from his CGI prison, accidentally mostly, because, nothing like starting off a film showing a villain unable to free himself, and send the villain soaring through the lasers and CGI of THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE.
Parallax: But first, before I go eat civilizations, let me kill my unintentional rescuers through bad dialogue. Ok, hungry now. Where's the nearest fast-civilization drive through? Or, fly through. Hmm. For a ghost like creature I'm incredibly hungry.
Meanwhile, in SECTOR 1814, a number I'm assuming HAD SOME PORTENTIOUS MEANING, more CGI ships go round and round in a DIZZYING fashion, not EATING anything.
Red-headed dude: Hi! I'm Sinestro. You'd think, with a name like that, not to mention the superior attitude I'll be displaying later in the film, no one would trust me, but instead, I'm standing here in front of some immortal Guardian people who are believing my every word. Populations are vanishing! Rings are weakening! Holograms are suffering!
Guardians: We could explain that, but why reveal the nature of a threat so early in the film?
Parallex: Meanwhile, I'll just attack this guy with a ring and mortally wound him, although, for the sake of the plot since we don't have much of one so far, I'll wound him just enough to kill him but give him time to crash land on Earth.
Hal Jordan: For some inexplicable reason, I am waking up next to a gorgeous blonde woman. The fact that this SURPRISES me is but one of many hints that I shall need to be making MANY LIFESTYLE and PERSONALITY changes as we go through the show. Oh, I'm so late. Let me showcase my irresponsibility while trying to wrap a birthday present in newspaper while driving wildly through traffic. I FEAR NO TRAFFIC! Even though, as we will later discover, I am actually FULL of FEAR. Just, not of traffic.
Carol Ferris: Hi! I'm here to provide the love interest and rare SEXUAL tension needed in this film since it's clear that wasn't going to be provided by the blonde, and inexplicably won't be provided by the generally incredibly hot Angela Bassett appearing later in the film. I am also a SKILLED test pilot and BUSINESS GENIUS, although you may find this last part QUESTIONABLE since I am TRUSTING Hal Jordan to take an INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE military jet UP IN THE SKY and SPIN IT ROUND AND ROUND, mostly because I FIND him hot although it's TOO EARLY for me in the film to ADMIT THIS. Oh, Hal, you're late. Will you ever take life seriously?
Hal Jordan: Perhaps if I unexpectedly run into a crash landed alien.
Carol: This is IMPORTANT, Hal! It sets up a scene LATER in the film since our SPECIAL EFFECTS guys will be TOO CHEAP to think of a BETTER SHOT! Move it!
Hal and Carol head out in military jets against some ROBOT PLANES that are SUPPOSEDLY IMMUNE from HUMAN error, a statement that MIGHT TIE in NICELY to the movie's theme of the FRAILITY of HUMANS better if the robots weren't PROGRAMMED BY HUMANS. Although Carol is SUPPOSEDLY a kickass TEST PILOT, she RAPIDLY LOSES to the ROBOTS. Fortunately, since Hal has SEEN IRON MAN, Hal SHOOTS UP to the UPPER ATMOSPHERE in the film's SECOND MAJOR THEFT from a Marvel film. Hal's plane and the ROBOTS begin to FALL APART because they CAN'T HANDLE THE SPACE.
Hal: Since I could die at any moment, this seems like a convenient time for a flashback! My father died while testing a plane even though I RAN DRAMATICALLY towards the BURNING WRECKAGE to STOP IT. In fairness to me I was like ten. Clearly, I have become a SECOND DESTROYER of EXPENSIVE MILITARY AIRCRAFT to honor his memory, although a NICE PLAQUE or STATUE would have been cheaper.
Carol: So, Hal. You disobeyed a direct command, destroyed two expensive robot planes and your own military plane and cost us thousands of jobs in the local area. Instead of firing you, I will….ground you. Will someone explain why I'm supposed to be a great business leader?
Hal: No! Because, Carol, you should be a pilot, not someone in a business suit! Not just because those shoes look incredibly uncomfortable! Have we made it clear to the audience yet that we SECRETLY want to SLEEP together even though I have a hot blonde making BETTER SHOE CHOICES at home? Yes? In that case, time for an INTIMATE FAMILY MOMENT with a CUTE KID.
Cute kid: Thanks for ruining my birthday by ALMOST DYING, Uncle Hal.
Hal: Well, I'm paid NOT to be scared. Is anyone else SENSING a FEAR theme here?
Weird alien green thing: Why, yes!
Weird alien green ball thing SWOOPS Hal up and TAKES him near the OCEAN to DUMP HIM in a PUDDLE to keep things on a FRIENDLY NOTE.
Hal: Huh. An alien.
Alien, not so quietly dying: Damn. A human.
Hal: Since human hospitals will be certain to have doctors familiar with your alien anatomy and how to fix wounds inflicted by the POWER OF FEAR, I shall call 911.
Alien: We have no time! The ring chose you. Charge it with this GREEN LANTERN, because despite our superior technologies, we believe in using obvious and unattractive and, frankly, rather silly power sources. We blame the 1940s. The ring chose you because of your fearlessness. Also, your sense of responsibility!
Hal: Has the ring been watching the film?
Alien: I'll just die now before this conversation gets even less useful.
Hal's best friend: I will tactfully not ask why the ring chose the good looking white guy and not, to pick someone at random, the more intelligent minority guy*, and just note offhandedly that perhaps, on their planet, responsibility means asshole.
Audience: Finally! An observation we can agree with!
Sinestro: A great light has gone out of the universe. I'm so upset I can only speak in clichés.
Parallax: I'm so hungry. More civilizations!
Meanwhile, to speed up the film, Hector, a pathetic scientist, decides to MAKE A SANDWICH. When this FAILS to ADD DRAMA, mysterious FEDERAL AGENTS KIDNAP him.
Angela Bassett: Hi! I've brought you here, Hector, because you have a degree in xenobiology!
C: Who gives a degree in xenobiology????
Angela: Here! Autopsy this agent for us!
C: We haven't DISCOVERED any aliens yet. Nobody has a degree in this! I mean if they'd said he was a marine biologist –
Me: If he was a marine biologist, he'd be using better laboratory conditions.
Quite probably because Hector DOES NOT hold a PhD in marine biology, and perhaps because he has not watched ENOUGH FILMS with EVIL ALIENS, he chooses to AUTOPSY the dead alien wearing ONLY a SURGICAL MASK in distinctly NON STERILE conditions.
C: This is why my department needs more funding!
Evil Alien Substance: You know, they don't even make it CHALLENGING any more.
To the surprise of NO ONE, Hector is INFECTED by the EVIL ALIEN SUBSTANCE.
Me, doubtfully: Maybe that was the plan.
Hal: To deflect attention away from the BAD SCIENCE in this film, I shall now attempt to pledge allegiance to a lantern. To infinity and beyond! By the Power of Greyskull! [The last bits Real Dialogue.]
Lantern: I can't take any more of this. Let me TAKE OVER your mind and give you the oath!
Harold: It's like, convergent evolution! I HAVE to say this, otherwise the audience might start DOUBTING my scientific credentials. With reason.
Carol: Hi, Hal. I'm here to see you because….I'm here….The film needs a romantic moment. Which I shall quickly ruin by ASKING PAINFUL PERSONAL QUESTIONS.
Three random dudes: Because that wasn't depressing enough, we shall now attack Hal.
Special effects: You called?
Green special effects SLAM three guys spinning into walls and cars, before scooping Hal up, shooting PAST the space station, and heading INTO OUTER SPACE, allowing the film to sneak in a scene of a BARELY clothed Hal Jordan.
Fish dude: Hi! Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps, protectors of peace and justice in the known galaxy. We've chosen you, a guy who helps to develop WAR EQUIPMENT, but to join our ranks, you must first listen to some EXPOSITION and go through some training and insults.
Sinestro: We've never been defeated! Let's go! Parallax shall die!
Green Lanterns, who apparently only include one GIRL Lantern who never speaks although to be fair it's a bit difficult to tell: GO US!
Sinestro, to Hal: I won't tolerate weak links, and since I've seen the film, I can tell you fit that category. Start training!
Film blows a SIGNIFICANT PART of its SPECIAL EFFECTS budget to INEFFECTIVELY TRAIN HAL.
Film: In a desperate attempt to DEFLECT ATTENTION from the CHEESINESS of the Green Lantern oath, I shall rapidly intercut between scenes, turning the GOOD LOOKING, IRRESPONSIBLE JOCK into a hero and the HARDWORKING, RESPONSIBLE NERD into a pathetic villain, entirely FORGETTING that I would not exist if nerds hadn't happily SUPPORTED MY COMICS.
Sinestro: You dishonor the dead guy's memory by wearing this ring.
Meanwhile, Hector, the supposed xenobiologist, LECTURES some bored students on ARCHAEA. Hector OVERHEARS their mental voices.
Me: ...Archaea aren't alien lifeforms or boring, even if Microsoft Word refuses to recognize the spelling.
Hector: I am shocked, shocked, that any of my students would find me boring. So shocked, I shall ATTACK him with MY MIND, instead of giving him the FASCINATING INFORMATION about archaea and extremophiles.
Green Lanterns: To repeat the point, we NEVER LOSE!
Green Lanterns ATTACK Parallax and LOSE.
Green Lanterns: We need a new motto!
Guardians: Time for a flashback, to clarify the TACTICAL DILEMMA we FIND OURSELVES IN. Do we stick with the method that has worked for thousands of years, WAIT for Hal Jordan to GET HIS ACT TOGETHER, or WORK with the power of yellow fear, which EATS CIVILIZATIONS?
Sinestro: Since I've seen the film, I'm going for the eating civilization option.
As the Guardians and Green Lanterns DESPERATELY PREPARE to save the UNIVERSE, all the HUMAN characters HEAD TO A PARTY.
Hector: Oh, Carol. You are so gorgeous, and with those earrings, you clearly have AMAZINGLY STRONG EARS. I recently autopsied an alien body!
Carol: In the context of this film, that's actually relatively decent cocktail conversation! Plus, you're employed! But I'm still going for the good-looking jock. Not that I'm shallow or anything, but because that's kinda the theme of the film.
Interrupting this scintillating dialogue, a HELICOPTER decides to CRASH into the PARTY.
Hal: I shall use my Green Lantern powers to….send the helicopter skidding on a green race track? And take advantage of this moment to have the inevitable Save the Girl and Fly Off With Her Scene.
Hector: Because this night can't possibly get any worse, I shall start smashing my lab equipment.
Hal HEADS to Carol. In an unexpected MOMENT OF SENSE from the film, she is able to RECOGNIZE him despite the CHEESY GREEN MASK since they have slept together and all that even though they are NOT SLEEPING TOGETHER NOW. Hal gives Carol a GREEN necklace instead of a PEARL one. (Cough) Various people MEET UP with Hector and FAIL to mention that he CURRENTLY has a VERY BIG HEAD.
Senator: Hector! My less than beloved son! You've been exposed to EVIL ALIEN things. I can't STAND the sight.
Hal has a DEEP MOMENT OF THINKING. My popcorn SPILLS EVERYWHERE, giving us THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT SO FAR as we try to SAVE THE POPCORN and GET IT OFF MY SHOES.
Senator: I just want what's best for you!
Hector: I will take that as permission to KILL YOU!
For no particularly GOOD REASON, Hal BECOMES AWARE that HECTOR is KILLING VARIOUS POLITICIANS. Rather than APPLAUD THIS ACTION, Hal RUSHES to their DEFENSE, FIGHTING HECTOR. To SAVE ON THE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET, the two KNOCK EACH OTHER OUT KINDA QUICKLY, and then REST ON THE FLOOR, STARING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.
Hector: Let's see. With my new found telepathic powers, I could invade your mind and discover the truth about the millions and millions of ALIEN LIFE FORMS out there, or even FIND OUT SECRETS of MILITARY FIGHTER JETS and SELL THESE to the CHINESE FOR BIG BUCKS. Instead, I shall invade your mind to find out if you're really dating Carol or not. This may explain why I am generally dissatisfied with my life.
Hector KILLS his father. No one except, inexplicably, Hal, feels at ALL BAD about this.
Parallax: Just sneaking in here to remind you that of all the civilizations I could be attacking, I'm coming to eat you.
Hal: Well, that clearly demonstrated that the ring made a mistake.
Carol: Although I have no basis for this statement at all, I believe in you! You don't have to eliminate fear, you just have to overcome it!
Hal: Remarkably enough, this inspiring speech is enough to make me fly off to the world of the Lanterns and the Guardians to get permission to DEFEND MY PLANET which….pretty much I should be doing anyway. Don't USE fear, Green Lanterns! Overcome it!
Sinestro: Well, thanks for explaining this AFTER we've made our nice yellow fear rings.
Hal: Ok, basically, humans suck, but, we can teach you to overcome your fears! So, can I go defend my planet now?
Guardians: If it will end this scene and get us back to some action, sure!
In a genuine MEDICAL MIRACLE, Hector has managed to WORK HIS WAY through the HORRORS of both PRIVATE INSURANCE and MEDICARE to FIND AN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR WITHIN HOURS, a fantastic achievement that IMMEDIATELY MAKES THE APPEARANCE OF a HUGE, CIVILIZATION EATING FEAR MONSTER seem reasonable and believable in comparison.
Hector: Having DEFIED all reasonable medical insurance, I shall turn to kidnapping!
Hal: Although we probably should make the audience happy with a fight scene, I shall try dialogue instead and offer you my ring. I suck as a jock.
Hector: You also suck at the dialogue. But sure, I'll take the ring. PRETTY.
Negotiations are INTERRUPTED by HUGE CGI SNAKES which apparently WEREN'T ACTUAL SNAKES but APPENDAGES of FEAR MONSTER DUDE, i.e. Parallax.
Me: I don't get this biology.
Parallax: Hector, you have failed me.
Hal tries to fight Parallax but is TORTURED INSTEAD. Carol, to prove that the robot scene earlier in the flick wasn't just a WASTE OF SCREEN TIME, runs to a computer to send the ROBOT PLANES at Parallax. Robot planes BLOW UP. Parallax, understandably BORED, decides to head to a nearby city for SOME LUNCH.
City officials: For your safety, please exit your vehicles and head into the nearest safe buildings. Or, flee.
City people: Well, sure, we could do that, or we could WALK towards the CREEPY BROWN mass in the sky.
Carol: Um, Hal, why are we on the top of this building?
Hal: Carol, if we spend all of our time trying to explain the INEXPLICABLE film edits of this film*, I'll NEVER defeat Parallax!
In a demonstration of this, FILM EXTRAS run wildly LEFT for two seconds, and then wildly RIGHT for two seconds.
Hal: I must run, before the FILM EXTRAS lose ALL SENSE OF DIRECTION! Or, well, FLY! Flee, people, flee!
Hal ATTACKS Parallax with the TERRIBLE POETRY of the GREEN LANTERN OATH, which, not surprisingly, works WELL ENOUGH TO SHOOT them BOTH INTO OUTER SPACE. In keeping with his disdain for technology, Hal SENDS AN INNOCENT SATELLITE into Parallax, IMMEDIATELY DEPRIVING several million ALSO INNOCENT people of cell phone, internet and television coverage. None of this SCARES PARALLAX since he's made of SNAKES and FEAR.
Hal: I shall TRICK HIM into FALLING INTO THE SUN, sorta following the TRICK I used on the ROBOT PLANES earlier.
Parallax: Because I am apparently less intelligent than robot planes, I shall actually fall for this [er, unintentional pun] and FALL into the sun.
Green Lanterns: You'd really think we would have figured that out. Oh, well. To make up for our lack of tactical ability, we will RESCUE Hal.
Sinestro: And now, we shall HONOR Hal for his bravery instead of LETTING HIM HAVE a MUCH NEEDED BATH, while INSULTING HUMANS. Remember, we're the GUARDIANS OF PEACE AND JUSTICE, not TACT.
Hal: Well, Carol, since I've finally proved that I can be responsible when not sending satellites and planes to their doom, this would be a great time for us to start up a relationship, but, I'm going to go into space instead.
Carol: ...but that means a sequel. Gulp.
Hal: This entire movie is about overcoming fear.
* Internet rumor claims that the director's cut of this film would be six hours long, which does explain bits like this where, seriously, we have no explanation for why these two are on the roof, and other huh bits.