mariness

Like its predecessor, Thor, Thor II: Into Your Wallet Again is a nice, fun, thoroughly cheesy popcorn flick that once again manages to criminally underuse both Anthony Hopkins and Idris Elba, though Hopkins at least seems to be thinking, eh, got my Oscars already, ha ha.

And, like its predecessor, it was in desperate need of snark:

( By the mighty power of Thor, there be snark ahead! )

I present you, oh readers, with choices: you can read my nice serious discussion of Oz the Great and Powerful over at Tor.com, or you can just head straight for the snark:

( Aggressively spoilery snark ahead! )

Revolution

One sign that your new fall show just may be running into a few, say, credibility problems is when a number of people beg me by email, Twitter and text message to snark the show.

Never one to fail to provide partial customer service on this blog, I did indeed finally sit down to go through it. Slowly. (My attention kept wandering, and honestly, in this case it is not my fault.) And I must say that apart from the generally eh acting, the overabundance of exposition, the predictable plot "twists", the constant and kinda disturbing bunnies, and mindboggling indifference to ordinary things like, say, not entirely at random, "physics," "biology," and "alcohol production," it –

Eh. No. The show did manage to pull itself together, sorta, in the last two minutes, but everything prior to that was worthy of some serious snark.

( So here you go, readers! Spoilery for the entire first episode. )

Shorter version: The best Hulk film, like, ever. Hulk Smash! And I don't even like the Hulk.

Longer version: Things go boom! Tony Stark quips! Thor makes sure we can all see how well cut he is! The one woman on the team isn't given any superpowers, but makes up for it by actually doing kick ass stuff. The film otherwise massively flops the Bechtel test, although it does spend quality time staring at the butts of the three women characters with speaking lines. As films do. (Gwyneth Paltrow arrives briefly for the twin jobs of snarking and showing off her legs.) I would have been offended if we had not gotten some equal exploitive time with Thor and to a considerably lesser degree Captain America and Hawkeye. Frankly, I think the next Thor film should just cut to the chase and call itself, "Thor: The Abs. The Shoulder Muscles. The Butt." to, you know, save time. But I digress.

This is not, to put it mildly, a deep movie. It is, I grant you, a bit more thoughtful than last year's Thor, but that's not saying much. Sure, a couple of characters try to speak deeply about freedom and choices and trust and heroics and an old guy stands up to remind us that Fascism and Dictators are like, bad, yo, and Captain America isn't really sure that the current world is an awesome place, and some Wall Street offices suffer collateral damage, yay, and if you head out to the bathroom you might miss the conversation about Guilt. But whatever. It's not going for deep. It's going for fun.

And that it delivers, mostly thanks to Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) who is like, wait, I get to make fun of my coworkers? More please! Tom Hiddleston (Loki), who apparently looked at the script, said, well, if I have to say this crap, I may as well say it with far too much conviction, and, the surprise, Mark Ruffalo as HULK SMASH. He's also pretty good as Bruce Banner, but, let's face it, HULK SMASH.

AND SMASH AND SMASH. It's the main reason to see the film.

Also, there is a blink and you will miss it Oz reference. Just saying.

Looking forward to seeing the half hour of deleted scenes on the DVD, which apparently include Captain America meeting up with his love interest from the previous film. Also not here: any scenes between Thor and Natalie Portman "I'm not an astrophysicist, I just play one with great abs," although the film does include two lines of dialogue to explain her absence, without using the phrase "Ms. Portman demanded way too much money for a cameo" which was impressive.

Snarky version:

( As a reader service. )

My initial reaction to this film, on Twitter, was that it was even worse than The Three Musketeers. After sleeping on this for a bit, I realized that I was wrong: The Three Musketeers is a much worse film on pretty much every level.

In Time is just more frustrating.

Largely because the concept is excellent, and here and there, the film allows us tiny glimpses of what it could have been, but wasn't. (Like, on a minor note, if the theme of your film is that everyone stops aging at 25, make sure that everyone looks 25, instead of, say, early to mid thirties, and cast actors who are actually in their mid twenties, instead of, say, early to mid thirties. Justin Timberlake is 30; Cillian Murphy 35, Vincent Kartheiser 32, Johnny Galecki 36, and so on. ) Unfortunately, aside from those tiny glimpses, the execution is mostly inept, and rather than an intriguing film about time, life, and class distinctions, we have a film about women wearing very uncomfortable clothing and some kinda inept chase scenes.

It's not the fault of the acting – even Justin Timberlake tries, and it's not his fault that his character's actions generally make little to no sense. Or the beautifully done, sometimes even intriguing camera work. No, this is the fault of just not thinking.

So, you know. Snark!

( Because I can always make time for snark. )

This is the movie that Russell Crowe reportedly walked out on, and honestly, after seeing it, who can blame him? I am imagining the meeting between the producers and script writers now:

Script writer 1: We've got a wildly expensive idea for a movie for you. It's set in Australia!

Producer 1: Ok, cue the budget for kangaroos. What's the story?

Script writer 2: A prim young British aristocrat arrives in Australia and realizes that to avenge her husband's murder, she has to take part in a cattle drive across the Badlands of Australia as the kangaroos look on HELPLESSLY in the background! Fortunately, a hot cattle drover is THERE to help her. We're calling him Drover for the laughs. (Really. Everyone calls him Drover. I was assuming for the laughs.) They can even kiss in the rain.

Producer 2: Hmm. Not sure that's enough story.

Script writer 1: Fortunately, the Japanese are invading!

Producer 1: During the cattle drive?

Script writer 2: No, after. Because, you know, bombing runs are tough on the cows, and we want to use Real Cows. For realism. To go along with the Fake Japanese Airplanes and British Warships we'll be using later.

Producer 2: I dunno. See, I don't think Australia, in World War II, had enough going on, what with Japanese bombings and so on. People need something big.

Script writer 1: Well, I suppose we could throw in a third plot, touchingly and respectfully showing the tragedy of the aboriginal Australian population and their forced cultural assimilation as the Japanese approach, complete with bar fights!

Producer 1: Sounds like a bit of a downer.

Script writer 2: What if, while all the evil characters are happily comparing the aboriginal Australians to children, we, you know, go deep and cast the main aboriginal Australian as a child? With a nice added primitive aboriginal Australian in the background chatting at the wind and lugging a spear around. We can even throw in a nice lesson about racism!

Producer 2: Which is?

Script writer 1: If white people mistreat aboriginal Australians, the aborigines will get shot by Japanese!

Producer 1: That's nice.

Script writer 2: Plus, this will give us the chance to have the adorable aboriginal kid stop a cattle stampede by wiggling his fingers.

Producer 2: I dunno. I'm just not feeling it yet. Got any villains?

Script writer 1: Apart from, you know, the Japanese invaders and the hellish, hellish Australian weather that we'll be depicting through careful CGI imagery?

Producer 1: Yeah. We just don't think that's enough.

Script writer 2: How about an over-the-top villain who for some reason wants to take on still more cattle on the eve of a freaking invasion AND is racist AND also fathered the cute little aboriginal kid?

Producer 1: Wait, so the aboriginal kid –

Script writer 1: Is actually half-caste, yes! Just ADDS TO THE DRAMA.

Producer 1: Or...not.

Script writer 2: We can have the villain twirl his moustache!

Producer 1: Or...not.

Script writer 1: Ok, we'll lose the moustache. But I guarantee you'll want it back later, when the villain gets ready to kill all of the cute little orphans that inexplicably survived the Japanese bombing attack.

Producer 2: But SOMEONE dies, right?

Script writer 2: A couple minor characters, sure. And to add more tension, we can even pretend to kill one of the leads off at one point, leading to a TOUCHING MOMENT against a SMOKE FILLED SCREEN.

Script writer 1: Plus, we've filled in any potential dull moments with Amusing Stock Characters, including the Well-Meaning Drunk Guy Who Gets Run Over By Cows; the Chinese Guy With Amusing Mispronunciations of Words; the Other Wise Black Guy; the Sassy Black Woman; the Black Woman Who Dies For a Poignant Moment; the Mean Bartender; and some Disapproving Stuck Up British Socialites In Australia For Unexplained Reasons.

Producer 1: Hmm. I'm just not sure -- cattle stampede, World War II, adorable children, drinking, vengeance for a husband's murder, a mysterious Australian bushman, various spear throwing and excessively fake looking bombing -– do you really think you'll be able to fill an entire move with just this?

Script writer 2: Well, we've thrown in Hugh Jackman's naked chest.

Producer 3: And Nicole Kidman?

Script writer 1: She's promised to look into the camera without blinking a lot.

Script writer 2: And everybody will sing from The Wizard of Oz. A lot.*

Producer 1: Well. I'm sold.

To be fair, when the film isn't focused on little CGI boats and planes, it looks magnificent. And the actors do what they can with the very limited script and dialogue (although you get the distinct impression that Jackman wanted huge changes to the script). Kidman and Jackman even manage chemistry together. The actor playing the aboriginal kid is cute and will hopefully manage to have a career beyond this. And I have to admit that I fell over laughing when the response to the Japanese bombing was to play "Somewhere – OVER THE RAINBOW!" On a little harmonica. It is a moment of utter if unintentional awesomeness.

And to be further fair, had the film focused on just one storyline – the cattle drive, World War II, or aboriginal assimilation, combining any of these with the epic romance, it might have worked. As it was –

Well. It had a cute kid playing "Over the Rainbow" on the harmonica as the Japanese were bombing everything. Great stuff. Plus, you know, Hugh Jackman's chest. There's something to be said for that.


*Er, not that they could. A tiny, tiny bit of research would have shown that The Wizard of Oz film had not, in fact, been shown in Australia by the events depicted in this movie. But as I've always tried to say, Oz is magical and even defies time and geography, so I'm willing to let this one go.

So, er, yes. It's been a week full of major and minor irritations. Among the minor irritations: the sudden realization that I had not, after all, kept my promise to say lots of interesting things about X-Men: First Class. Or even a lot of dull things about X-Men: First Class.

Let's get the important stuff out of the way: yes, I had fun with the film, even though it is not exactly good in many places and is unquestionably and oddly sexist in almost all of its places, has some disability fail at the end, and inexplicably never allows its main couple to just make out already. Mind you, since the film is set in the 1940s and the 1960s, some sexism is to be expected. What's odd, though, is that's not the sexism the film is depicting. Equally oddly, the only non-sexist male in the film is one of the bad guys. The good guys…yeah. And we probably shouldn't get into the equally odd racial and political stuff.

But, and this is important, things blew up!

Anyway. If you want a deep, thoughtful take on the film, try Abigail Nussbaum, who gave this film considerably more intellectual attention than I did. If you want to realize just how hilariously tragic the lives of the X-Men are, try io9's sad summary of their lives. And if you want snark, just keep reading below the cut.

( Mutants on snark! )

So, I Am Number Four. Quick disclaimer: certain parts of this film made me dizzy, forcing me to shut my eyes. S informs me I missed nothing and was probably better off.

The film can best be summed up as, "Finally! The film that makes Twilight look good! Complete with iPhones!" But for those of you who want more, ( The snark! )

How, how, can a movie with cowboys, ninjas AND CLOWNS go so terribly, terribly wrong?

( Let's find out! )

So for Father's Day, we headed out to Downtown Disney to see Robin Hood, picking that theatre since it offered the only showing of that film that was a) not on during the Italy World Cup game, b) not on during the U.S. Open in golf, and c) not adjacent to a parking lot filled with happy Harry Potter fans. By such restrictions are our decisions made.

Anyway, my father loved the film, my brother liked the film, and I, of course, felt the need to snark the film.

( In which we watch a singer/songwriter from Great Big Sea reconsider this whole acting gig. )