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marinessShorter version: The best Hulk film, like, ever. Hulk Smash! And I don't even like the Hulk.
Longer version: Things go boom! Tony Stark quips! Thor makes sure we can all see how well cut he is! The one woman on the team isn't given any superpowers, but makes up for it by actually doing kick ass stuff. The film otherwise massively flops the Bechtel test, although it does spend quality time staring at the butts of the three women characters with speaking lines. As films do. (Gwyneth Paltrow arrives briefly for the twin jobs of snarking and showing off her legs.) I would have been offended if we had not gotten some equal exploitive time with Thor and to a considerably lesser degree Captain America and Hawkeye. Frankly, I think the next Thor film should just cut to the chase and call itself, "Thor: The Abs. The Shoulder Muscles. The Butt." to, you know, save time. But I digress.
This is not, to put it mildly, a deep movie. It is, I grant you, a bit more thoughtful than last year's Thor, but that's not saying much. Sure, a couple of characters try to speak deeply about freedom and choices and trust and heroics and an old guy stands up to remind us that Fascism and Dictators are like, bad, yo, and Captain America isn't really sure that the current world is an awesome place, and some Wall Street offices suffer collateral damage, yay, and if you head out to the bathroom you might miss the conversation about Guilt. But whatever. It's not going for deep. It's going for fun.
And that it delivers, mostly thanks to Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) who is like, wait, I get to make fun of my coworkers? More please! Tom Hiddleston (Loki), who apparently looked at the script, said, well, if I have to say this crap, I may as well say it with far too much conviction, and, the surprise, Mark Ruffalo as HULK SMASH. He's also pretty good as Bruce Banner, but, let's face it, HULK SMASH.
AND SMASH AND SMASH. It's the main reason to see the film.
Also, there is a blink and you will miss it Oz reference. Just saying.
Looking forward to seeing the half hour of deleted scenes on the DVD, which apparently include Captain America meeting up with his love interest from the previous film. Also not here: any scenes between Thor and Natalie Portman "I'm not an astrophysicist, I just play one with great abs," although the film does include two lines of dialogue to explain her absence, without using the phrase "Ms. Portman demanded way too much money for a cameo" which was impressive.
Snarky version:
Film OPENS by showing us a spinning blue cube thingy called a Tesseract since Tesseract sounds cool.
Random bad guys: Humans can ONLY BURN! BURN I tell you, with envy over the great special effects and costumes that we can command! Ok, maybe just the special effects part. Loki! Go make some humans miserable. And Disney very rich. It'll be great for us all.
Film shifts to a DARK ENERGY research station, helpfully LABELLED for this purpose.
Samuel L. Jackson, who is supposedly Nick Fury in this film, but let's face it, this is SAMUEL L. JACKSON: It's ok, everyone. I'm Samuel L. Jackson. I'm here. Commence coolness. What's happening?
Top scientists, including the scientist from Thor who I am just going to be calling Thor Scientist for the rest of the film: For some reason, we are finding ourselves unable to scientifically analyze this tesseract cube thing.
Tesseract cube thing: To be fair, I was made by gods, and absolutely no mention of me in this film will make any scientific sense whatsoever. So just roll with it.
Thor Scientist: Anyway, the tesseract thing! It's an energy source AND a portal! And it's going nuts, in an way that just happens to be tearing this entire building apart. I blame defense contractors, because of course nothing that government scientists would be doing on this side would ever harm divine or alien artifacts. I don't see a lot of movies.
Hawkeye: Hi. I'm Hawkeye. I shoot things. I'm, you know, no scientist, but I can point out the obvious that doors open on both sides.
At his words, the doors OPEN for some ROCKIN' special effects which have the happy secondary effect of SUMMONING LOKI.
Samuel L. Jackson: Although I have no way of knowing what language this mysterious teleporting guy speaks, I'll just go for English and hope that my utter coolness will speak for me. Put down the spear!
Loki: I should pretend I don't understand you, just to halt this annoying tendency of Americans to assume that everyone, including Asgardian gods from another universe and a connection to Sweden, speaks English. But, I have people to brainwash. Plus, this will allow me to address some Germans in English later and save at least a tidbit on subtitles from our severely overbloated budget. Anyway, time for my speech! Hi, I'm Loki! I am burdened with a glorious purpose! Freedom, bad! Obeying me, awesome! Ok, enough speeching. Let's start the brainwashing and the violence!
Plenty of BRAINWASHING and VIOLENCE follows, as Thor Scientist and Hawkeye are quickly BROUGHT UNDER LOKI'S THRALL and proceed to help Loki STEAL the tesseract thingy a process that involves a lot of BLOWING THINGS UP and CAR CHASES through tunnels. The HIGHLY trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agents your TAX DOLLARS in theory are paying for turn out to be ALMOST COMPLETELY USELESS.
U.S. Senate: We'll investigate that. If we ever stop squabbling and are allowed into the film.
Loki SHOOTS down Samuel L. Jackson's helicopter.
Samuel L. Jackson: Well. Our facility has been obliterated and the bad guy has run off with the tesseract thingy. AND Loki has shot down my helicopter. THIS MEANS WAR. Call in the Avengers. Or, shall we say, extra special dudes and single dudette who have not yet been brainwashed by Loki. Cue Title Credits!
Title Credits saying "AVENGERS" in nice cheery and slightly vengeful lettering shoot across the screen, taking us to a WAREHOUSE.
Black Widow: Hi! I'm Natasha, a supposed Russian. Roll with that. On the bright side, although I am playing a Comic Book Heroine who in the comics has Enormous Breasts, no one asked me to don Breast Implants for the film, which means I look Surprisingly Normal for a woman stalking around in a catsuit. To make up for this, the camera will instead focus on My Butt. I digress. Here I am, tied up in a chair with someone standing over me with what looks like a whip as a nod to CERTAIN SECTORS of my audience. Also some other Russian dudes. Ok, let's chatter.
Russian dudes: In what language?
Black Widow: Hmm. Apparently Loki will be speaking English for the rest of the film, so we have the budget for English subtitles here. Russian it is then, to retain the international air of mystery!
Everyone CHATS HAPPILY about art thefts until the PHONE rings.
Black Widow: I'm WORKING here.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: Yes, but it's slowing down the movie. We've had five minutes go by without an action scene and I understand Joss Whedon is going to force everyone to have Real Conversations later. Also, Hawkeye's been compromised so we're losing our chance at a gold medal at this year's Olympics in archery! So, move it.
Somewhat IMPROBABLY, Black Widow TAKES OUT all the BAD GUYS. The improbable part is the CAMERA ANGLES, focusing on something I MENTIONED ABOVE.
Dr. Bruce Banner: Hi! You probably know me better as the Incredible Hulk, but here, I'm just a mild mannered guy hiding out in the slums of what I think is meant to be Calcutta because if there's any place where a white doctor interested in philanthropy won't possibly be found, it's in a Calcutta slum treating patients. Oh, hello suspiciously cute little girl. What is that? You want me to follow you out of Calcutta to an isolated house that I've never heard of? Well, sure I'll follow you. After all, I'm supposed to be suspiciously intelli—Oh, hi.
Black Widow: I need you to follow me to a military installation loaded with nuclear weapons.
Dr. Bruce Banner: Er, aren't you forgetting my other half? The one that goes HULK SMASH!?
Black Widow: With all of his Twitter accounts, how can I? But no. We need you, Dr. Bruce Banner, since you are the leading expert in gamma radiation and for some reason the tesseract thingy is leaking gamma radiation!
Dr. Banner: ....what?
Audience: ...what?
Black Widow: Look, we need to get you into the film. I'm all alone except for the entire army outside and I'm hot and sexy. Let's go.
Iron Man/Tony Stark: Hi. Most of you know me as Robert Downey, Jr., the main role I'll be playing in this film. But I'm also a billionaire billionaire weapons designer who right now is working on clean energy programs so that I sound more like a good guy. In my off hours I fly around in a silly suit. We are just going to SKIP OVER how I managed to convince the city of Manhattan to issue me BUILDING PERMITS for this huge, huge skyscraper in downtown Manhattan given my tendency to blow things up. Hi Pepper!
Pepper: I'm just here for a cameo role of snark, flirtation, and showing off my long, long, long legs.
Phil Coulson: Sorry to interrupt. We have a problem with a tesseract thingy.
Pepper: I shall inspire Tony to go by whispering in his ear.
Captain America: Hi! I'm Captain America, the World War II supersoldier who was inexplicably trapped under lots of ice and survived so am now here. I am ALL GLOOMY about this DESPITE improvements in coffee and the ADVENT OF THE INTERNET, in part because Joss Whedon DELETED MOST OF MY CHARACTER BUILDING SCENES, and in part because I'm about to be BADLY OVERSHADOWED by Tony Stark and Bruce Banner and that Thor guy with the abs hasn't even shown up yet.
Samuel L. Jackson: Captain! The world needs you!
Captain America: ...And?
Samuel L. Jackson: You cannot resist my coolness!
Captain America: Sure I can! Resisting...resisting...And here I am flying off to a helicarrier thingy. Hello, Dr. Banner. Hello, Black Widow. This is all quite friendly.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: And now that we have a person capable of suddenly TRANSFORMING into a SMASHING SMASH monster at any moment, let's TAKE HIM up on this helicarrier thing where a SINGLE TOUCH of his fish might SEND this thing WHIRLING into the ocean. Planning, not our thing.
Samuel L. Jackson: Nah, it'll be cool.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: How exactly?
Samuel L. Jackson: Special effects. Also, just me standing around.
Shadow Council: Since we did such an awesome job training up Slayers, we've now moved on to start monitoring and training Avengers and secret military plans, only this time, with more money and better special effects. Samuel Jackson! RELEASE PHASE II!
Samuel L. Jackson: No.
Shadow Council: Why?
Samuel L. Jackson: A, because it's not ready. B, because we've paid some actors a lot to do things here. C, let me swirl my leather jacket a bit.
Shadow Council: But then you will be LEAVING the world in the HANDS OF FREAKS!
Samuel L. Jackson: Awesomely cool. I KNOW.
Film suddenly shifts to what it CLAIMS is Germany, but is rather obviously CLEVELAND.
Everyone in Cleveland to Germany: Our apologies. On the bright side, the multiple production mistakes here are making for some great reading on IMDB.
Various WEALTHY people swirl around in a wealthy people way at a concert hall in German Cleveland. Loki APPEARS in a nice yet apparently UNSATISFYING suit which he decides to CHANGE to a ridiculous HELMET THINGY that in real life would make a lot of people LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH. Fortunately for Loki, this is a MOVIE.
Loki: Bow down before me, oh German people! And to ensure my popularity here, I'll just say this in English. I mean, we all know this is really CLEVELAND.
Supposedly German old man: Nah, not going to bow down. There will always be men like you!
Loki: Technically, I'm not exactly a man, but a GOD!
Supposedly German old man: Yes, but if I believed that, I'd miss all of the clear Stand Up Against Fascism in Cleveland that this scene is going for here.
Loki: Well, then, just to make sure no one misses the Nazi references here, I shall arbitrarily try to kill you with my big stick, mostly harmless and supposedly German old man who has risen up against me!
Captain America: Well, since this scene doesn't have ENOUGH World War II references already, I'll just swoop down and stop that with my shield thingy, thus reinforcing the notion that all Americans assume Germans are incompetent to defend themselves.
Germany: Can you get the hell out of fake Germany already?
Avengers CAPTURE Loki and take him aboard a plane which is heading back to the helicarrier thingy.
Avengers: Loki, you seem awfully chilled.
Loki: Well, I was until this thunder started up.
Captain America: Scared of lightning?
Loki: I'm not overly fond of what follows. [Real dialogue.] Because what follows is --
Thor: Hi! I'm Thor! It's not at all clear how I got here or how I found Loki or how I found the plane or why I decided to attack the plane in the air and potentially HARM innocent people, but what is clear pretty immediately is that my arms? Are still perfectly chiseled and absolutely awesome. I shall be spending a lot of time TALKING about this on various talk shows, so let's BRING IN THE CAMERA on the first of MANY SHOTS of this. Just for fun. Ok. Off I go to have a little chat with Loki in the rain.
Iron Man and Captain America: Oh, NO you don't!
Black Widow: Er, they're kinda gods.
Captain America: There's only one god, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't look like that. [Real dialogue.]
Audience: YAY!
One person in my audience: IT's ACTUALLY A CHRISTIAN FILM!
Ignoring DOCTRINAL DIFFERENCES, Loki and Thor settle in for a cheerful SIBLING chat about FREEDOM, which in this case does not mean FREEDOM to DOWNLOAD things, until they are INTERRUPTED by Iron Man.
Iron Man: Look, I can't TRUST you to punish Loki, so instead I will try to BEAT YOU UP, destroying some INNOCENT TREES along the way.
Audience: YAY!
Captain America: This is so ridiculous, I will jump in.
Audience: YAY YAY!
Loki: I probably SHOULD take this moment to FLY AWAY, but that would disrupt my EVIL PLAN and the LATER SCRIPT. So I'll just, you know, wait for it.
Iron Man, Thor and Captain America happily BEAT ONE ANOTHER UP, before finally heading back to the Helicarrier, which has conveniently been decorated with a ROUND TABLE, get it. Ha ha.
Joss Whedon: Oh, thank the powers that power Hollywood. I thought you'd never give me a chance at one of my Patented Funny Group Dialogues. Let's see if I can resist turning this into a musical.
Snappy dialogue DEMONSTRATES that, gasp, the AVENGERS are NOT GETTING ALONG, except for Tony Stark and Bruce Banner because they are all, you know, smart and stuff and can go play on their computers and master nuclear technology and gamma radiation while SENDING COMPUTER viruses off to INFILTRATE THE S.H.I.E.L.D computers, which remarkably NO ONE in S.H.I.E.L.D. has anticipated. Captain America DISCOVERS that Phase II involves WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION that can be POWERED by the tesseract thingy, although EXACTLY HOW he figures this out is NOT QUITE CLEAR, and everyone realizes that Samuel L. Jackson has NOT been TELLING the COMPLETE TRUTH. Also, ALIENS ARE COMING. The camera WIGGLES in PAIN. Despite TERRIBLE temptations, EVERYONE manages NOT TO SING.
Black Widow: I shall GO to Loki and convince him that I am an EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE woman, thereby allowing me to DETERMINE his plan! *
Loki: And I shall take this opportunity to lob a particularly sexist insult that will be missed by much of the American audience, but cue the British audience into lots and lots of blogging.
Black Widow: He's going to USE the HULK against us! Cue SNAPPY dialogue!
Film: Isn't it time for violence? You did mention the Hulk.
Hulk: SMASH!
Audience: YAY!
In a sudden RUSH of action, everyone SEPARATES to do their OWN thing. Hulk SMASHES lots and lots of things while chasing Black Widow. Iron Man and Captain America SMASH the remaining FRAGMENTS of their relationship as they ATTEMPT to fix the flying HELICARRIER. Thor SMASHES Hulk. Hulk SMASHES Thor.
Thor: Although I am WELL aware of your ability to cast FAKE IMAGES of yourself, Loki, my brother, I shall still believe that the image of you in the S.H.I.E.L.D. jail is the real one.
Loki: I can't believe you fell for that.
Thor: Well, in my defense, it's been a long day, and I've been dealing with Puny Mortals. You know the feeling. Anyway, this will let me plunge down, down, down into – where, exactly, are we?
Hulk: WE PLUNGE. Because HULK SMASH THINGS. HULK SMASHY. HULK HULK HULK!
Audience: YAY!
Hawkeye: Hi! I'm sure, in the joy of waiting for Hulk to start SMASHING things, you've forgotten me, but I'm back, just in time for a nice battle with Black Widow which will get kinda lost in all of these back and forth bits showing how we are all working as INDIVIDUALS, and not as a TEAM, thus sending those of us who can survive PLUMMETING to the EARTH PLUMMETING to the earth and sticking the rest up here. Anyway this is all good since this means I only have to fight my more or less physical equal, Black Widow, instead of....OUCH. Well, on the bright side, this should end the brainwashing and let me REJOIN the team.
Meanwhile, Loki STALKS more, looking all VILLANY.
Agent Coulson: You'll never win! This is a superhero movie!
Loki: Really? I think I should plunge something into your chest just for saying that.
Agent Coulson: Damn it, I should have remembered that this is ALSO a Joss Whedon film.
Samuel L. Jackson: On the bright side, we just got through an action picture without killing the black guy first! I LOVE MULTIPLE MOVIE DEALS!
Agent Coulson, now dead: Damn it, I should have told my agent to book me for one of those.
Hulk: HULK PLUNGE!
Captain America and Tony Stark SIT at the round table, looking VERY SAD.
Samuel L. Jackson: Because this ISN'T SAD and AFFECTING ENOUGH, I shall now toss some BLOODIED CAPTAIN AMERICA cards ACROSS the table, all STAINED with Agent Coulson's blood, and make an AFFECTING speech, which you will BOTH immediately believe under the circumstances even though I earlier LIED to you. I love being Samuel L. Jackson.
Black Widow and Hawkeye: Time for our touching scene which will make everyone wish we, too, had had a previous movie.
Harry Dean Stanton: Hi. It may shock you to know that I'm a) still alive, and b) working. This is like my 250th film, so let's make it snappy. Hi, Hulk. Here's some clothes.
Thor: For some reason, my HEROIC hammer doesn't think that failing to cooperate, getting easily trapped by Loki, and plunging NEARLY to my DOOM is particularly heroic, so I can't lift it. Damn you, inconvenient heroic hammer.
Captain America: Ok, everyone! Suit up! Since we don't have time to explain WHY Loki would REALLY pick New York City for a final showdown, let's just SAY it's because he WANTS an audience and NOT, say, to introduce the INCOMING aliens to GREAT PIZZA. Off to New York we go!
Thor: Ok, hammer, if I PROMISE you that I need to get to New York to SAVE THE WORLD, will THAT count as heroic, even though it's NOT at ALL CLEAR how I know I need to be in New York!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Great, the Avengers are assembling. But first, I need to have a nice threatening moment in my penthouse apartment so we can all feel sad when it gets smashed later. Loki! Good of you to come by! Want a drink?
Loki: Are you going to beg for your life?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: No, just indulge in some nice quips and threats. Also lots of alcohol, so that we can all be reassured that this plot point will be brought up in the next Iron Man film. Loki, as an intelligent dude, I have to tell you, your plan? Really sucks.
Loki: Yes, but who has an interdimensional portal thingy bringing aliens to New York, HUH?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: We have a Hulk.
Audience: YAY!
As ALIENS start to POUR into New York City, Hawkeye, Black Widow, and Captain America CRASH LAND on the CITY STREETS, soon joined by Iron Man and Thor, as the AVENGERS ASSEMBLE, only without the catch phrase for some unknown reason.
Avengers: That, and we're missing somebody.
Bruce Banner: Hi! Although it's NOT AT ALL clear how I got this motorcycle or how I knew the final battle would be in New York, here I am.
Audience: YAY!
Captain America: Great. Except – we kinda need your other half. Can you get angry?
Bruce Banner: You'd think that just seeing aliens buzzing around New York and injuring civilians would be enough. For that matter, you'd think just dealing with Manhattan would be enough. But rather than get into that, I'll just say, I'M ALWAYS ANGRY.
Hulk: SMASH!
Audience: YAY!
Captain America: Although in our last few scenes none of the Avengers really TRUSTED me or THOUGHT highly of me, I shall now BECOME their leader because....because...because I'm older than all of them.
Thor: Not really.
Captain America: Ok, because I've had the fewest snarkiest lines and, well, I'm here.
With Hulk SMASHING things the AVENGERS go into action. Hulk SMASHES, Iron Man FLIES, Thor THUMPS THINGS, and Captain America and Hawkeye TOUCHINGLY save some civilians from a bus to remind us of JUST WHY we are FIGHTING. Meanwhile, a HUGE ALIEN thingy comes ROLLING OUT of the INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL and starts SMASHING MANHATTAN. Various extras SCREAM.
Dude from Dollhouse: Remember me? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN Josh Whedon KILLS YOU OFF. You only get a MINOR role as a cop in a major action film. ** Sniffle. But at least I get to ARGUE with Captain America!
Avengers: This isn't doing us any good! We need to CLOSE off the DIMENSIONAL PORTAL!
Black Widow: I know! Since my action scenes haven't EXACTLY been up to EVERYONE ELSE's yet, I'll LEAP on this alien sky speeder thingy [I don't know what to call it. It had an alien on it and flew through the air.] so that I can reach Tony Stark's penthouse in time to SHUT off the TRANSDIMENSIONAL PORTAL! It's not clear why I can't just take the elevator.
Loki: Hi, Hulk! I'm a god. You're –
Hulk: SMASH!
Audience: And we thought this film might not be worth the cost of admission.
In the single most satisfying scene of the film, Hulk CONTINUES to SMASH Loki around as the audience CHEERS WILDLY.
Hulk: MORE SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
Audience: YAY!
Shadow Council: Since our advice has been awesome so far, we shall now order S.H.I.E.L.D. to send a nuclear missile at Manhattan.
Samuel L. Jackson: Shooting a nuclear weapon at a large civilian population with awesome theatres, good food, and overpriced shopping would destroy my coolness cred, so, no.
Shadow Council: Ok, then, we'll just order somebody ELSE on S.H.I.E.L.D. to shoot off a nuclear weapon!
Samuel L. Jackson: So, not only did we FAIL to notice that our computer systems could be EASILY invaded by Tony Stark, our secret hidden weapons development could be EASILY discovered by Captain America, one of our agents was busy PLAYING computer games while he was supposed to be FLYING the ship, but ALSO, we failed to notice a MOLE on this helicarrier thing. We are like the worst DOUBLE AGENTS ever.
Samuel L. Jackson: Iron Man. Because you don't have enough to deal with, what with ALIEN monsters and so on, I should tell you that a nuclear missile is HEADING YOUR WAY.
Thor scientist: Black Widow! You're going to need Loki's stick thingy!
Black Widow: Why?
Thor scientist: Look, now is NOT the time to BRING up science. The stick thingy will close the interdimensional portal, saving Manhattan's pizzerias from complete destruction!
Black Widow GRABS the STICK thingy and PREPARES to do something heroic as BATTLE SCENES with the ALIENS continue THROUGHOUT MANHATTAN.
Black Widow: OK! I am ALL READY to DO MY HEROIC THING!
Iron Man: Wait for it –
Black Widow: Not sure we can.
Iron Man: Kinda have to do something with the nuclear missile. Like, say, grabbing it midair and then hand delivering it through the interdimensional portal!
Black Widow: Um, going through that portal is a sorta one way trip. Why can't you just toss the missile through?
Iron Man: That would be LESS dramatic.
Pepper: Speaking of which, let's get a CONCERNED reaction shot from me just so the audience realizes that CARRYING a NUCLEAR WEAPON to ANOTHER DIMENSION is harder than the SPECIAL EFFECTS make it look.
Iron Man FLIES through the PORTAL and more or less IMMEDIATELY runs out of air, but is somehow sorta able to lob the missile at the alien ship before FALLING BACKWARDS, conveniently FALLING through THE HOLE. For DRAMATIC purposes it TAKES HIM SEVERAL SECONDS TO FALL DOWN DOWN DOWN, leading EVERYONE to think that he's KINDA DEAD. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS as the Black Widow WAITS to CLOSE the portal until he FALLS THROUGH, allowing her to STEP UP and TAKE THE HERO ROLE and close the thingy. Iron Man falls and falls and falls until the HULK catches him at the VERY LAST MINUTE.
Audience: YAY!
Shadowy Council: Please tell us that you did NOT just let a bunch of superpowered freaks take off to no one knows where.
Samuel L. Jackson: I got the distinct sense that they stopped trusting you AFTER you lobbed a nuclear missile in their direction, although I CAN'T figure out WHY. Anyway, they'll be fine. Well, mostly fine. Tony has to rebuild the penthouse.
Thor: And I and my OUTRAGEOUS abs must skip across dimensions with Loki. Wait. Is this actually my SECOND trip to this planet where I've managed to NOT get laid by Natalie Portman yet? This sucks.
Marvel Studios: She's REALLY expensive. But you have a sequel. We'll talk things then.
Hawkeye and Black Widow: We'll just, you know, go off and do deadly assassin things, then.
Bruce Banner: And I'll just...go not smash things.
Audience: Awwww.
Captain America: And I'll just go ride a motorcycle someplace.
Tony Stark: And once again, we prove it's AWESOME to be ME. I'm rebuilding my penthouse. Well, more I'm building AVENGERS TOWER! YAY ME!
Film: Ok, time for the credits and the tiny little post film scenes that Marvel films have been known for.
Alexis Denisof: I'll just close this on a villainous note then, shall I?
Avengers: No. We're hungry. And zonked. Let's focus on that.
* I am aware that the scene between the Black Widow and Loki has been read very differently by different people. The way I saw it was that this was a follow up to the previous warehouse scene with the Russian art thieves, where she had pretended to be intimidated/helpless in order to gain information. My impression was that she was also faking the feelings of intimidation/helplessness with Loki. Others have seen this very differently, but I think this is the subject of another post – if I manage to get around to it.
** Or, possibly, serve to help keep Castle and Beckett apart for just a few more minutes, if you're a different Dude from Dollhouse.
Longer version: Things go boom! Tony Stark quips! Thor makes sure we can all see how well cut he is! The one woman on the team isn't given any superpowers, but makes up for it by actually doing kick ass stuff. The film otherwise massively flops the Bechtel test, although it does spend quality time staring at the butts of the three women characters with speaking lines. As films do. (Gwyneth Paltrow arrives briefly for the twin jobs of snarking and showing off her legs.) I would have been offended if we had not gotten some equal exploitive time with Thor and to a considerably lesser degree Captain America and Hawkeye. Frankly, I think the next Thor film should just cut to the chase and call itself, "Thor: The Abs. The Shoulder Muscles. The Butt." to, you know, save time. But I digress.
This is not, to put it mildly, a deep movie. It is, I grant you, a bit more thoughtful than last year's Thor, but that's not saying much. Sure, a couple of characters try to speak deeply about freedom and choices and trust and heroics and an old guy stands up to remind us that Fascism and Dictators are like, bad, yo, and Captain America isn't really sure that the current world is an awesome place, and some Wall Street offices suffer collateral damage, yay, and if you head out to the bathroom you might miss the conversation about Guilt. But whatever. It's not going for deep. It's going for fun.
And that it delivers, mostly thanks to Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) who is like, wait, I get to make fun of my coworkers? More please! Tom Hiddleston (Loki), who apparently looked at the script, said, well, if I have to say this crap, I may as well say it with far too much conviction, and, the surprise, Mark Ruffalo as HULK SMASH. He's also pretty good as Bruce Banner, but, let's face it, HULK SMASH.
AND SMASH AND SMASH. It's the main reason to see the film.
Also, there is a blink and you will miss it Oz reference. Just saying.
Looking forward to seeing the half hour of deleted scenes on the DVD, which apparently include Captain America meeting up with his love interest from the previous film. Also not here: any scenes between Thor and Natalie Portman "I'm not an astrophysicist, I just play one with great abs," although the film does include two lines of dialogue to explain her absence, without using the phrase "Ms. Portman demanded way too much money for a cameo" which was impressive.
Snarky version:
Film OPENS by showing us a spinning blue cube thingy called a Tesseract since Tesseract sounds cool.
Random bad guys: Humans can ONLY BURN! BURN I tell you, with envy over the great special effects and costumes that we can command! Ok, maybe just the special effects part. Loki! Go make some humans miserable. And Disney very rich. It'll be great for us all.
Film shifts to a DARK ENERGY research station, helpfully LABELLED for this purpose.
Samuel L. Jackson, who is supposedly Nick Fury in this film, but let's face it, this is SAMUEL L. JACKSON: It's ok, everyone. I'm Samuel L. Jackson. I'm here. Commence coolness. What's happening?
Top scientists, including the scientist from Thor who I am just going to be calling Thor Scientist for the rest of the film: For some reason, we are finding ourselves unable to scientifically analyze this tesseract cube thing.
Tesseract cube thing: To be fair, I was made by gods, and absolutely no mention of me in this film will make any scientific sense whatsoever. So just roll with it.
Thor Scientist: Anyway, the tesseract thing! It's an energy source AND a portal! And it's going nuts, in an way that just happens to be tearing this entire building apart. I blame defense contractors, because of course nothing that government scientists would be doing on this side would ever harm divine or alien artifacts. I don't see a lot of movies.
Hawkeye: Hi. I'm Hawkeye. I shoot things. I'm, you know, no scientist, but I can point out the obvious that doors open on both sides.
At his words, the doors OPEN for some ROCKIN' special effects which have the happy secondary effect of SUMMONING LOKI.
Samuel L. Jackson: Although I have no way of knowing what language this mysterious teleporting guy speaks, I'll just go for English and hope that my utter coolness will speak for me. Put down the spear!
Loki: I should pretend I don't understand you, just to halt this annoying tendency of Americans to assume that everyone, including Asgardian gods from another universe and a connection to Sweden, speaks English. But, I have people to brainwash. Plus, this will allow me to address some Germans in English later and save at least a tidbit on subtitles from our severely overbloated budget. Anyway, time for my speech! Hi, I'm Loki! I am burdened with a glorious purpose! Freedom, bad! Obeying me, awesome! Ok, enough speeching. Let's start the brainwashing and the violence!
Plenty of BRAINWASHING and VIOLENCE follows, as Thor Scientist and Hawkeye are quickly BROUGHT UNDER LOKI'S THRALL and proceed to help Loki STEAL the tesseract thingy a process that involves a lot of BLOWING THINGS UP and CAR CHASES through tunnels. The HIGHLY trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agents your TAX DOLLARS in theory are paying for turn out to be ALMOST COMPLETELY USELESS.
U.S. Senate: We'll investigate that. If we ever stop squabbling and are allowed into the film.
Loki SHOOTS down Samuel L. Jackson's helicopter.
Samuel L. Jackson: Well. Our facility has been obliterated and the bad guy has run off with the tesseract thingy. AND Loki has shot down my helicopter. THIS MEANS WAR. Call in the Avengers. Or, shall we say, extra special dudes and single dudette who have not yet been brainwashed by Loki. Cue Title Credits!
Title Credits saying "AVENGERS" in nice cheery and slightly vengeful lettering shoot across the screen, taking us to a WAREHOUSE.
Black Widow: Hi! I'm Natasha, a supposed Russian. Roll with that. On the bright side, although I am playing a Comic Book Heroine who in the comics has Enormous Breasts, no one asked me to don Breast Implants for the film, which means I look Surprisingly Normal for a woman stalking around in a catsuit. To make up for this, the camera will instead focus on My Butt. I digress. Here I am, tied up in a chair with someone standing over me with what looks like a whip as a nod to CERTAIN SECTORS of my audience. Also some other Russian dudes. Ok, let's chatter.
Russian dudes: In what language?
Black Widow: Hmm. Apparently Loki will be speaking English for the rest of the film, so we have the budget for English subtitles here. Russian it is then, to retain the international air of mystery!
Everyone CHATS HAPPILY about art thefts until the PHONE rings.
Black Widow: I'm WORKING here.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: Yes, but it's slowing down the movie. We've had five minutes go by without an action scene and I understand Joss Whedon is going to force everyone to have Real Conversations later. Also, Hawkeye's been compromised so we're losing our chance at a gold medal at this year's Olympics in archery! So, move it.
Somewhat IMPROBABLY, Black Widow TAKES OUT all the BAD GUYS. The improbable part is the CAMERA ANGLES, focusing on something I MENTIONED ABOVE.
Dr. Bruce Banner: Hi! You probably know me better as the Incredible Hulk, but here, I'm just a mild mannered guy hiding out in the slums of what I think is meant to be Calcutta because if there's any place where a white doctor interested in philanthropy won't possibly be found, it's in a Calcutta slum treating patients. Oh, hello suspiciously cute little girl. What is that? You want me to follow you out of Calcutta to an isolated house that I've never heard of? Well, sure I'll follow you. After all, I'm supposed to be suspiciously intelli—Oh, hi.
Black Widow: I need you to follow me to a military installation loaded with nuclear weapons.
Dr. Bruce Banner: Er, aren't you forgetting my other half? The one that goes HULK SMASH!?
Black Widow: With all of his Twitter accounts, how can I? But no. We need you, Dr. Bruce Banner, since you are the leading expert in gamma radiation and for some reason the tesseract thingy is leaking gamma radiation!
Dr. Banner: ....what?
Audience: ...what?
Black Widow: Look, we need to get you into the film. I'm all alone except for the entire army outside and I'm hot and sexy. Let's go.
Iron Man/Tony Stark: Hi. Most of you know me as Robert Downey, Jr., the main role I'll be playing in this film. But I'm also a billionaire billionaire weapons designer who right now is working on clean energy programs so that I sound more like a good guy. In my off hours I fly around in a silly suit. We are just going to SKIP OVER how I managed to convince the city of Manhattan to issue me BUILDING PERMITS for this huge, huge skyscraper in downtown Manhattan given my tendency to blow things up. Hi Pepper!
Pepper: I'm just here for a cameo role of snark, flirtation, and showing off my long, long, long legs.
Phil Coulson: Sorry to interrupt. We have a problem with a tesseract thingy.
Pepper: I shall inspire Tony to go by whispering in his ear.
Captain America: Hi! I'm Captain America, the World War II supersoldier who was inexplicably trapped under lots of ice and survived so am now here. I am ALL GLOOMY about this DESPITE improvements in coffee and the ADVENT OF THE INTERNET, in part because Joss Whedon DELETED MOST OF MY CHARACTER BUILDING SCENES, and in part because I'm about to be BADLY OVERSHADOWED by Tony Stark and Bruce Banner and that Thor guy with the abs hasn't even shown up yet.
Samuel L. Jackson: Captain! The world needs you!
Captain America: ...And?
Samuel L. Jackson: You cannot resist my coolness!
Captain America: Sure I can! Resisting...resisting...And here I am flying off to a helicarrier thingy. Hello, Dr. Banner. Hello, Black Widow. This is all quite friendly.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: And now that we have a person capable of suddenly TRANSFORMING into a SMASHING SMASH monster at any moment, let's TAKE HIM up on this helicarrier thing where a SINGLE TOUCH of his fish might SEND this thing WHIRLING into the ocean. Planning, not our thing.
Samuel L. Jackson: Nah, it'll be cool.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: How exactly?
Samuel L. Jackson: Special effects. Also, just me standing around.
Shadow Council: Since we did such an awesome job training up Slayers, we've now moved on to start monitoring and training Avengers and secret military plans, only this time, with more money and better special effects. Samuel Jackson! RELEASE PHASE II!
Samuel L. Jackson: No.
Shadow Council: Why?
Samuel L. Jackson: A, because it's not ready. B, because we've paid some actors a lot to do things here. C, let me swirl my leather jacket a bit.
Shadow Council: But then you will be LEAVING the world in the HANDS OF FREAKS!
Samuel L. Jackson: Awesomely cool. I KNOW.
Film suddenly shifts to what it CLAIMS is Germany, but is rather obviously CLEVELAND.
Everyone in Cleveland to Germany: Our apologies. On the bright side, the multiple production mistakes here are making for some great reading on IMDB.
Various WEALTHY people swirl around in a wealthy people way at a concert hall in German Cleveland. Loki APPEARS in a nice yet apparently UNSATISFYING suit which he decides to CHANGE to a ridiculous HELMET THINGY that in real life would make a lot of people LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH. Fortunately for Loki, this is a MOVIE.
Loki: Bow down before me, oh German people! And to ensure my popularity here, I'll just say this in English. I mean, we all know this is really CLEVELAND.
Supposedly German old man: Nah, not going to bow down. There will always be men like you!
Loki: Technically, I'm not exactly a man, but a GOD!
Supposedly German old man: Yes, but if I believed that, I'd miss all of the clear Stand Up Against Fascism in Cleveland that this scene is going for here.
Loki: Well, then, just to make sure no one misses the Nazi references here, I shall arbitrarily try to kill you with my big stick, mostly harmless and supposedly German old man who has risen up against me!
Captain America: Well, since this scene doesn't have ENOUGH World War II references already, I'll just swoop down and stop that with my shield thingy, thus reinforcing the notion that all Americans assume Germans are incompetent to defend themselves.
Germany: Can you get the hell out of fake Germany already?
Avengers CAPTURE Loki and take him aboard a plane which is heading back to the helicarrier thingy.
Avengers: Loki, you seem awfully chilled.
Loki: Well, I was until this thunder started up.
Captain America: Scared of lightning?
Loki: I'm not overly fond of what follows. [Real dialogue.] Because what follows is --
Thor: Hi! I'm Thor! It's not at all clear how I got here or how I found Loki or how I found the plane or why I decided to attack the plane in the air and potentially HARM innocent people, but what is clear pretty immediately is that my arms? Are still perfectly chiseled and absolutely awesome. I shall be spending a lot of time TALKING about this on various talk shows, so let's BRING IN THE CAMERA on the first of MANY SHOTS of this. Just for fun. Ok. Off I go to have a little chat with Loki in the rain.
Iron Man and Captain America: Oh, NO you don't!
Black Widow: Er, they're kinda gods.
Captain America: There's only one god, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't look like that. [Real dialogue.]
Audience: YAY!
One person in my audience: IT's ACTUALLY A CHRISTIAN FILM!
Ignoring DOCTRINAL DIFFERENCES, Loki and Thor settle in for a cheerful SIBLING chat about FREEDOM, which in this case does not mean FREEDOM to DOWNLOAD things, until they are INTERRUPTED by Iron Man.
Iron Man: Look, I can't TRUST you to punish Loki, so instead I will try to BEAT YOU UP, destroying some INNOCENT TREES along the way.
Audience: YAY!
Captain America: This is so ridiculous, I will jump in.
Audience: YAY YAY!
Loki: I probably SHOULD take this moment to FLY AWAY, but that would disrupt my EVIL PLAN and the LATER SCRIPT. So I'll just, you know, wait for it.
Iron Man, Thor and Captain America happily BEAT ONE ANOTHER UP, before finally heading back to the Helicarrier, which has conveniently been decorated with a ROUND TABLE, get it. Ha ha.
Joss Whedon: Oh, thank the powers that power Hollywood. I thought you'd never give me a chance at one of my Patented Funny Group Dialogues. Let's see if I can resist turning this into a musical.
Snappy dialogue DEMONSTRATES that, gasp, the AVENGERS are NOT GETTING ALONG, except for Tony Stark and Bruce Banner because they are all, you know, smart and stuff and can go play on their computers and master nuclear technology and gamma radiation while SENDING COMPUTER viruses off to INFILTRATE THE S.H.I.E.L.D computers, which remarkably NO ONE in S.H.I.E.L.D. has anticipated. Captain America DISCOVERS that Phase II involves WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION that can be POWERED by the tesseract thingy, although EXACTLY HOW he figures this out is NOT QUITE CLEAR, and everyone realizes that Samuel L. Jackson has NOT been TELLING the COMPLETE TRUTH. Also, ALIENS ARE COMING. The camera WIGGLES in PAIN. Despite TERRIBLE temptations, EVERYONE manages NOT TO SING.
Black Widow: I shall GO to Loki and convince him that I am an EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE woman, thereby allowing me to DETERMINE his plan! *
Loki: And I shall take this opportunity to lob a particularly sexist insult that will be missed by much of the American audience, but cue the British audience into lots and lots of blogging.
Black Widow: He's going to USE the HULK against us! Cue SNAPPY dialogue!
Film: Isn't it time for violence? You did mention the Hulk.
Hulk: SMASH!
Audience: YAY!
In a sudden RUSH of action, everyone SEPARATES to do their OWN thing. Hulk SMASHES lots and lots of things while chasing Black Widow. Iron Man and Captain America SMASH the remaining FRAGMENTS of their relationship as they ATTEMPT to fix the flying HELICARRIER. Thor SMASHES Hulk. Hulk SMASHES Thor.
Thor: Although I am WELL aware of your ability to cast FAKE IMAGES of yourself, Loki, my brother, I shall still believe that the image of you in the S.H.I.E.L.D. jail is the real one.
Loki: I can't believe you fell for that.
Thor: Well, in my defense, it's been a long day, and I've been dealing with Puny Mortals. You know the feeling. Anyway, this will let me plunge down, down, down into – where, exactly, are we?
Hulk: WE PLUNGE. Because HULK SMASH THINGS. HULK SMASHY. HULK HULK HULK!
Audience: YAY!
Hawkeye: Hi! I'm sure, in the joy of waiting for Hulk to start SMASHING things, you've forgotten me, but I'm back, just in time for a nice battle with Black Widow which will get kinda lost in all of these back and forth bits showing how we are all working as INDIVIDUALS, and not as a TEAM, thus sending those of us who can survive PLUMMETING to the EARTH PLUMMETING to the earth and sticking the rest up here. Anyway this is all good since this means I only have to fight my more or less physical equal, Black Widow, instead of....OUCH. Well, on the bright side, this should end the brainwashing and let me REJOIN the team.
Meanwhile, Loki STALKS more, looking all VILLANY.
Agent Coulson: You'll never win! This is a superhero movie!
Loki: Really? I think I should plunge something into your chest just for saying that.
Agent Coulson: Damn it, I should have remembered that this is ALSO a Joss Whedon film.
Samuel L. Jackson: On the bright side, we just got through an action picture without killing the black guy first! I LOVE MULTIPLE MOVIE DEALS!
Agent Coulson, now dead: Damn it, I should have told my agent to book me for one of those.
Hulk: HULK PLUNGE!
Captain America and Tony Stark SIT at the round table, looking VERY SAD.
Samuel L. Jackson: Because this ISN'T SAD and AFFECTING ENOUGH, I shall now toss some BLOODIED CAPTAIN AMERICA cards ACROSS the table, all STAINED with Agent Coulson's blood, and make an AFFECTING speech, which you will BOTH immediately believe under the circumstances even though I earlier LIED to you. I love being Samuel L. Jackson.
Black Widow and Hawkeye: Time for our touching scene which will make everyone wish we, too, had had a previous movie.
Harry Dean Stanton: Hi. It may shock you to know that I'm a) still alive, and b) working. This is like my 250th film, so let's make it snappy. Hi, Hulk. Here's some clothes.
Thor: For some reason, my HEROIC hammer doesn't think that failing to cooperate, getting easily trapped by Loki, and plunging NEARLY to my DOOM is particularly heroic, so I can't lift it. Damn you, inconvenient heroic hammer.
Captain America: Ok, everyone! Suit up! Since we don't have time to explain WHY Loki would REALLY pick New York City for a final showdown, let's just SAY it's because he WANTS an audience and NOT, say, to introduce the INCOMING aliens to GREAT PIZZA. Off to New York we go!
Thor: Ok, hammer, if I PROMISE you that I need to get to New York to SAVE THE WORLD, will THAT count as heroic, even though it's NOT at ALL CLEAR how I know I need to be in New York!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Great, the Avengers are assembling. But first, I need to have a nice threatening moment in my penthouse apartment so we can all feel sad when it gets smashed later. Loki! Good of you to come by! Want a drink?
Loki: Are you going to beg for your life?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: No, just indulge in some nice quips and threats. Also lots of alcohol, so that we can all be reassured that this plot point will be brought up in the next Iron Man film. Loki, as an intelligent dude, I have to tell you, your plan? Really sucks.
Loki: Yes, but who has an interdimensional portal thingy bringing aliens to New York, HUH?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: We have a Hulk.
Audience: YAY!
As ALIENS start to POUR into New York City, Hawkeye, Black Widow, and Captain America CRASH LAND on the CITY STREETS, soon joined by Iron Man and Thor, as the AVENGERS ASSEMBLE, only without the catch phrase for some unknown reason.
Avengers: That, and we're missing somebody.
Bruce Banner: Hi! Although it's NOT AT ALL clear how I got this motorcycle or how I knew the final battle would be in New York, here I am.
Audience: YAY!
Captain America: Great. Except – we kinda need your other half. Can you get angry?
Bruce Banner: You'd think that just seeing aliens buzzing around New York and injuring civilians would be enough. For that matter, you'd think just dealing with Manhattan would be enough. But rather than get into that, I'll just say, I'M ALWAYS ANGRY.
Hulk: SMASH!
Audience: YAY!
Captain America: Although in our last few scenes none of the Avengers really TRUSTED me or THOUGHT highly of me, I shall now BECOME their leader because....because...because I'm older than all of them.
Thor: Not really.
Captain America: Ok, because I've had the fewest snarkiest lines and, well, I'm here.
With Hulk SMASHING things the AVENGERS go into action. Hulk SMASHES, Iron Man FLIES, Thor THUMPS THINGS, and Captain America and Hawkeye TOUCHINGLY save some civilians from a bus to remind us of JUST WHY we are FIGHTING. Meanwhile, a HUGE ALIEN thingy comes ROLLING OUT of the INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL and starts SMASHING MANHATTAN. Various extras SCREAM.
Dude from Dollhouse: Remember me? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN Josh Whedon KILLS YOU OFF. You only get a MINOR role as a cop in a major action film. ** Sniffle. But at least I get to ARGUE with Captain America!
Avengers: This isn't doing us any good! We need to CLOSE off the DIMENSIONAL PORTAL!
Black Widow: I know! Since my action scenes haven't EXACTLY been up to EVERYONE ELSE's yet, I'll LEAP on this alien sky speeder thingy [I don't know what to call it. It had an alien on it and flew through the air.] so that I can reach Tony Stark's penthouse in time to SHUT off the TRANSDIMENSIONAL PORTAL! It's not clear why I can't just take the elevator.
Loki: Hi, Hulk! I'm a god. You're –
Hulk: SMASH!
Audience: And we thought this film might not be worth the cost of admission.
In the single most satisfying scene of the film, Hulk CONTINUES to SMASH Loki around as the audience CHEERS WILDLY.
Hulk: MORE SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
Audience: YAY!
Shadow Council: Since our advice has been awesome so far, we shall now order S.H.I.E.L.D. to send a nuclear missile at Manhattan.
Samuel L. Jackson: Shooting a nuclear weapon at a large civilian population with awesome theatres, good food, and overpriced shopping would destroy my coolness cred, so, no.
Shadow Council: Ok, then, we'll just order somebody ELSE on S.H.I.E.L.D. to shoot off a nuclear weapon!
Samuel L. Jackson: So, not only did we FAIL to notice that our computer systems could be EASILY invaded by Tony Stark, our secret hidden weapons development could be EASILY discovered by Captain America, one of our agents was busy PLAYING computer games while he was supposed to be FLYING the ship, but ALSO, we failed to notice a MOLE on this helicarrier thing. We are like the worst DOUBLE AGENTS ever.
Samuel L. Jackson: Iron Man. Because you don't have enough to deal with, what with ALIEN monsters and so on, I should tell you that a nuclear missile is HEADING YOUR WAY.
Thor scientist: Black Widow! You're going to need Loki's stick thingy!
Black Widow: Why?
Thor scientist: Look, now is NOT the time to BRING up science. The stick thingy will close the interdimensional portal, saving Manhattan's pizzerias from complete destruction!
Black Widow GRABS the STICK thingy and PREPARES to do something heroic as BATTLE SCENES with the ALIENS continue THROUGHOUT MANHATTAN.
Black Widow: OK! I am ALL READY to DO MY HEROIC THING!
Iron Man: Wait for it –
Black Widow: Not sure we can.
Iron Man: Kinda have to do something with the nuclear missile. Like, say, grabbing it midair and then hand delivering it through the interdimensional portal!
Black Widow: Um, going through that portal is a sorta one way trip. Why can't you just toss the missile through?
Iron Man: That would be LESS dramatic.
Pepper: Speaking of which, let's get a CONCERNED reaction shot from me just so the audience realizes that CARRYING a NUCLEAR WEAPON to ANOTHER DIMENSION is harder than the SPECIAL EFFECTS make it look.
Iron Man FLIES through the PORTAL and more or less IMMEDIATELY runs out of air, but is somehow sorta able to lob the missile at the alien ship before FALLING BACKWARDS, conveniently FALLING through THE HOLE. For DRAMATIC purposes it TAKES HIM SEVERAL SECONDS TO FALL DOWN DOWN DOWN, leading EVERYONE to think that he's KINDA DEAD. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS as the Black Widow WAITS to CLOSE the portal until he FALLS THROUGH, allowing her to STEP UP and TAKE THE HERO ROLE and close the thingy. Iron Man falls and falls and falls until the HULK catches him at the VERY LAST MINUTE.
Audience: YAY!
Shadowy Council: Please tell us that you did NOT just let a bunch of superpowered freaks take off to no one knows where.
Samuel L. Jackson: I got the distinct sense that they stopped trusting you AFTER you lobbed a nuclear missile in their direction, although I CAN'T figure out WHY. Anyway, they'll be fine. Well, mostly fine. Tony has to rebuild the penthouse.
Thor: And I and my OUTRAGEOUS abs must skip across dimensions with Loki. Wait. Is this actually my SECOND trip to this planet where I've managed to NOT get laid by Natalie Portman yet? This sucks.
Marvel Studios: She's REALLY expensive. But you have a sequel. We'll talk things then.
Hawkeye and Black Widow: We'll just, you know, go off and do deadly assassin things, then.
Bruce Banner: And I'll just...go not smash things.
Audience: Awwww.
Captain America: And I'll just go ride a motorcycle someplace.
Tony Stark: And once again, we prove it's AWESOME to be ME. I'm rebuilding my penthouse. Well, more I'm building AVENGERS TOWER! YAY ME!
Film: Ok, time for the credits and the tiny little post film scenes that Marvel films have been known for.
Alexis Denisof: I'll just close this on a villainous note then, shall I?
Avengers: No. We're hungry. And zonked. Let's focus on that.
* I am aware that the scene between the Black Widow and Loki has been read very differently by different people. The way I saw it was that this was a follow up to the previous warehouse scene with the Russian art thieves, where she had pretended to be intimidated/helpless in order to gain information. My impression was that she was also faking the feelings of intimidation/helplessness with Loki. Others have seen this very differently, but I think this is the subject of another post – if I manage to get around to it.
** Or, possibly, serve to help keep Castle and Beckett apart for just a few more minutes, if you're a different Dude from Dollhouse.