Star Trek: Into Snarkness
May. 20th, 2013 01:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessTwo separate things caught me about the film. One was how, in such contrast to the original series, it offers a very bleak vision of Starfleet Command – this is far more the Star Trek of Deep Space Nine, but even that had a more optimistic touch at times. And two, of course, was just how badly various elements needed to be snarked.
Film BEGINS with the TRADEMARK J.J. ABRAMS lensflare BEFORE the production credits have EVEN ENDED. More lensflares FOLLOW as the camera FLARES FLARES FLARES down to a RED jungle land peopled by IGNORANT natives who are SO IGNORANT they have built a temple thing CLOSE to a volcano, and are not FLEEING even though the volcano is VISIBLY SMOKING and RED HOT with what COULD be lava but is MORE LIKELY computer animation. The camera zooms down THROUGH the red jungle to show us two masked and hooded figures FLEEING the temple carrying something which they have STOLEN from the temple, followed by some VERY ANGRY ignorant natives. A not very surprising reveal SHOWS us that the HOODED figures are in fact Bones and Kirk, running and running, and the ignorant natives are ignorant natives who can be ALMOST but NOT ENTIRELY stopped in their tracks by a NICE HANGING CANVAS.
Spock: Captain! I was under the impression that this was going to be a voyage of volcano exploration, not an Indiana Jones film!
Bones: The ignorant natives are trying to kill us! Are you in the volcano yet?
Spock: No! We need some establishing shots to demonstrate that Sulu will be the REAL voice of reason and logic in this film, and that Uhura and I are still in a relationship which is somewhat strained by my INABILITY to get her jokes. Don't expect that issue to go anywhere. Ok! I'm ready to dive into the volcano!
My brother, the geologist: I'm losing my suspension of disbelief here.
Kirk and Bones: And now, we shall DIVE off the cliff DOWN DOWN into the sea where the Enterprise is SECRETLY STASHED. Given that standard procedure, established in multiple prior episodes of multiple different parts of this franchise, is to have the starship go ROUND AND ROUND the planet so that NONE OF THE IGNORANT, VOLCANO WORSHIPPING NATIVES can SEE it unless they have RADAR or happen to be looking UP at the right time, it's not at all clear WHY I have stashed the Enterprise BENEATH AN OCEAN. Maybe it's to signal the upcoming MASSIVE CONFUSION about the CAPABILITIES OF TRANSPORTERS/BEAMING ME UP, SCOTTY.
Scotty, speaking for me: You do realize that starships were not exactly designed to spend extensive time in salt water?
Kirk: It's going to make for an awesome scene in about two minutes. How's Spock?
Spock: Kinda hot. Don't you know anything about volcanos?
Kirk: About the same as the screenwriters, which is to say, not much.
Chekov and Scotty: Although usually we can BEAM PEOPLE UP from or into ANYWHERE, including SHIPS GOING AT WARP SPEED, for some reason, the COMBINATION of the OCEAN and the VOLCANO means we CAN'T BEAM SPOCK UP AND LET HIM SET OFF A COLD FUSION DEVICE to STOP THE VOLCANO and save an ENTIRE CIVILIZATION of native people unless we PUT the Enterprise OVER THE VOLCANO.
Kirk: And that reason is...
Chekov and Scotty: Plot contrivance!
Spock: You cannot come rescue me, Kirk, since that would require taking the Enterprise OUT OF THE WATER and allowing the IGNORANT NATIVE PEOPLE to see us, THUS BREAKING THE PRIME DIRECTIVE.
Kirk: Like anyone on this franchise has ever listened to the damn prime directive anyway.
Spock: YOU CAN'T! I shall stay here and die quietly in the volcano.
My brother, the geologist: I don't think that's actually a volcano.
Kirk: But when you set off the COLD FUSION DEVICE to STOP THE VOLCANO, you'll DIE.
My brother, the geologist: I don't think that's how it works.
Spock: I AM PREPARED!
Bones: To be fair, he'd let you die.
Kirk: THE DILEMMA! THE DILEMMA! Wait. I'm Kirk. What dilemma?
To SWELLING MUSIC, Enterprise RISES from the OCEAN and heads TO THE VOLCANO, rescuing Spock at the VERY LAST MINUTE. Spock's COLD FUSION device STOPS the volcano.
Ignorant native people: Well,THAT'S a lot more interesting than the volcano.
My brother, the geologist: I have lost my suspension of disbelief.
Kirk: Time to celebrate my ignorance of geology, which allowed me to believe that a volcano eruption could be halted with a COLD FUSION device, with a nice threesome! Oh, damn. Phone. Even in the future you're never free.
Spock: I think we're in trouble.
Kirk: Are you kidding? We're up for this awesome awesome deep space mission thanks to our great volcano stopping device.
Spock: Let us NEVER mention that again. We are supposed to be the SCIENCE FICTION franchise, remember? The one that focuses on science, not the Force.
Kirk: I'm not sure our screenwriters know the difference.
Pike: Kirk, wanna talk about your little trip to the volcano?
Kirk: I thought it went well. Everyone lived.
Pike: Kirk. You are reckless! You broke the Prime Directive and lots of regulations and you lied on the Captain's Log. For someone who seemed to do some maturing in the last flick, you've certainly backtracked.
Kirk: How did you find out?
Spock: I told him.
Kirk: AUUGH!
Spock: Look. By now you really should have a clue that I have a tendency to do these sorts of things.
Pike: Kirk, you're totally demoted.
Meanwhile, over in London, Mickey from Doctor Who and his wife not from Doctor Who put on Very Sad Expressions and go through a very modern London to a Children's Hospital with Floating Hospital Beds. Despite all of this advanced technology and a TOY RABBIT their cute little daughter is DYING. Mickey looks VERY SAD.
Sherlock Holmes: I can help with that.
Mickey: How?
Sherlock Holmes: If you agree to completely betray Starfleet and blow up some of your coworkers, Mickey, I'll save your cute little daughter with MAGICAL BLOOD. I'll even THROW in the little TOY RABBIT. As a bonus, this will help EXPLAIN an otherwise COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS plot twist later. Well. It won't help explain things very much.
Mickey: We're sure the rabbit is safe?
Sherlock: Yep.
Mickey: Well, then. Blowing up a small part of London with connections to Deep Space Nine that will only be caught by diehard fans and friends of diehard fans who get texted with "OHMIGOD THEY HAD A DEEP SPACE NINE REF IN LONDON" leaving friends to go "WHAT?" and creating VAST CONFUSION it is then!
Parts of London BLOW UP.
Pike: Kirk! How convenient of you to treat your understandable irritation at getting fired from your job for saving your friend and an entire civilization by getting drunk, since this will allow me to REFERENCE parts of the FIRST movie which the AUDIENCE has MOSTLY forgotten. While we're talking about CONVENIENT PLOT THINGS, I'll just...give you a job as my First Officer right before we get informed about these London bombings.
Kirk, Spock and Pike arrive to a Starfleet conference of Captains and First Officers that is MOSTLY MEN, although previous installments have assured us that yes, women have gained MANY high ranking positions in Starfleet and should presumably be here as well oh well.
Kirk: Doesn't the London target strike you as odd?
Starfleet: We've watched Deep Space Nine and we're a bit spoiled, so no, although the snarker was completely confused by the inadequate text conversation about this so can't explain it.
Kirk: Ok, but the proper response to this would be to gather all the tactical people into a single room and –
Sherlock: You wanted me to go BOOM?
Various things go BOOM. Pike DIES along with MANY other EXTRAS. Kirk manages to bring down Sherlock's ship with a FIRE HOSE but SHERLOCK, being SERIOUSLY MORE AWESOME THAN ANYONE, TELEPORTS away.
Kirk: Well, that sucks. On the other hand, CAPTAIN AGAIN! My setbacks really don't last long, do they?
Scotty: I've found Sherlock! He beamed himself over to the Klingon Empire with a portable transporter station!
Kirk: Can he DO that? We couldn't even get Spock out of the volcano! Didn't previous parts of the franchise assure us that beaming has a LIMITED RANGE?
Scotty: The first rule of beaming people around is, if you need it for the plot, you can do it. If you don't need it, or can do something much more cool, you can't do it.
Kirk: Admiral Marcus! You need to let me go to the Klingon Empire to get revenge on this guy, even though I'll be breaking several Stargate regulations and this could start a war with the Klingons.
Admiral Marcus: Sounds like an awesome plan to me! Especially since, you know, they're Klingons and war is coming anyway. Just one tiny, tiny tiny little change: Can you take along these 72 thoroughly innocent little torpedos? And, er, blow them into Chronos, a world the Klingons are kinda fond of?
Kirk: Sure thing! Can I take Spock?
Admiral Marcus: We're all so fond of each other right now, why not?
Spock: Shouldn't we be a touch more skeptical of this highly immoral plan?
Kirk: No. Plus, I am distracted by hot blonde chick.
Hot blonde chick: Hi, I'm Carol Marcus. You may remember me from my last incarnation as a vital, passionate scientist who was Kirk's very much former love interest whose research was part of the basis for the plot. In this film, I'm here to do things that could be done by virtually any other character in the film and show everyone my underwear. Hi, Kirk!
Scotty: Captain! I dunna trust these torpedoes! They won't tell me what's in them!
Kirk: I'm sure they're just filled with nice explosive weaponry. I mean, they're torpedoes, and it's not like we put, say, dead or nearly dead or frozen bodies in torpedoes in the previous films that Carol was in or anything.
Scotty: That's the thing! These potentially dangerous torpedoes are going to be RIGHT NEAR a RADIOACTIVE warp core drive! This doesn't bother you?
Kirk: Since we will later discover that I know very very little about the finer points of engineering, no, not really.
Scotty: THEN I QUIT!
Kirk: I'd be worried about this, but this sort of thing doesn't last too long in this film. Chekov! Go take over engineering!
Chekov: Surely there's, I dunno, someone in the engineering department with a materials science degree more suited to this?
Kirk: Or, you!
Chekov: Right! Well, time for me to look mostly incompetent.
Kirk: ATTENTION CREW! We are currently flying to the Klingon Empire. Instead of BLOWING up their planet, which might start an ALL OUT WAR that would DESTROY our ENTIRE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET, we're instead going to capture Sherlock and bring him back to face trial.
Spock: Carol Marcus. I can't help noticing three things about you. One, for a physicist and weapons specialist you are really not doing anything useful. Two, you used a false name to get on board this ship. Three, you were never ever assigned to this ship.
Carol: You got me. Something is WRONG about these missiles!
Any hopes for uncovering everyone's SECRET AGENDAS are lost as the Enterprise falls out of warp.
Kirk: Chekov! What happened?
Chekov: You didn't put this place in charge of an engineer! You KNOW these engines blow up like every four episodes.
Kirk: Well, we'll just have to make the best of it. Sulu, take the captain's chair and get ready to threaten Sherlock. Spock, Uhura, two people in red shirts, come with me on this stolen ship. We're pretending to be smugglers. Everyone got it? Red shirt dudes, lose the red shirts.
Red shirt dudes: YAY! WE'RE GOING TO LIVE!
Kirk: No, I just need you to look SLIGHTLY more sneaky.
Red shirt dudes: Damn it! We knew we should have gone into science or medical!
Spock: Uhura, do you have a problem with me?
Kirk: Is this really the moment?
Uhura: Yes, yes I do. So does Kirk. You were just going to die in that volcano, thinking only of an ENTIRE CIVILIZATION at risk, and not of me – of us!
Spock: I'm just going to play the Romulans destroyed my home planet card.
Uhura: Glad this ended before I came out looking really selfish and self-serving.
Before the moment can get TOO heartwarming, a KLINGON Warbird appears.
Kirk: In retrospect perhaps we should have stolen a ship with some weapons capability.
Uhura: Kirk! I speak Klingon! Let me go talk to them! As a bonus the audience will be able to see my lovely, lovely legs.
Kirk: I can go for that.
Uhura and the Klingons chat in a UNFRIENDLY sort of way about honor until SHERLOCK STARTS SHOOTING everyone just cause. PHASERS pop out everywhere. Klingons DIE in suitably DRAMATIC fashions.
Sulu: I'll launch missiles at you, Sherlock! I'm SO NOT KIDDING HERE.
Sherlock: How many missiles are we talking about, exactly?
Kirk: 72.
Sherlock: Well, in that case, I surrender. I surrender lots. Please don't find this at all suspicious.
Bones: I need a blood sample. And THIS TRIBBLE.
Everyone: ....this tribble?
Tribble: Hi! No, no, of COURSE I'm not foreshadowing later scientifically questionable plot twists! I'm just a cute addition to the set. No, oh Doctor Bones, I don't at all mind you shooting me up with strange DNA stuff for testing purposes, although given the myriad species issues involved here and the small issue that I'M AN ALIEN I'm not sure how exactly this is working out. I think I liked it better when I was just cute and fluffy and used for comedy purposes.
Bones: And now that we've established your presence for later, pay no attention to the tribble inside the glass container.
Sherlock: It's time for me to admit it: I'm not ACTUALLY Sherlock Holmes! I'm KHAN! Let's not get into the fact that I no longer look Indian or Mexican and instead REVEL in the EVILNESS of my lovely, lovely, rich British voice.
Audience: OOOH.
Kirk: Since that name has more meaning to our audience than for us, fill us in.
Khan: I'm genetically enhanced quickly healing evil. However, you should COMPLETELY trust me. Admiral Marcus is using us both! And to prove this, I am going to give you a set of coordinates that you should totally check out.
Kirk: To be fair, I'm still dealing with grief and sleep deprivation, plus, it's not like Admiral Marcus has exactly been the most trustworthy figure so far. Ok! Let's check out these coordinates!
Spock: You do know the guy's evil, right?
Scotty: I'm DRINKING HERE. But, ok, if I need to make a quick trip to Jupiter, I can make a quick trip to Jupiter. The bar will still be here. Well. Bars will still be here.
Carol: Do we need another gratuitous underwear moment?
Kirk: Well, I'd be all up for that, but actually we need to check out those torpedoes. Mind you, with Spock, Chekov and all kinds of Skilled and Talented Engineers and Science Folk around, I have no idea why we're sending you and Bones to open up torpedoes other than to try to give you some reason to be in this film that doesn't involve your underwear.
Bones: I shall – get my arm almost crushed in an attempt to open this torpedo! Damn it! THE TORPEDO has armed itself and is about ready to blow itself up!
Kirk: Beam them up!
Chekov: Remember what we said about PLOT CONTRIVANCE? I CAN'T DO IT! Not while he is attached to the torpedo!
Carol: Fortunately, as a physicist, I can disarm this. It's not clear why I didn't DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Bones: On the bright side, we now learn why it was useful for me to be here. Kirk, everyone – it's FULL OF BODIES!
Khan: See? I'm not EVIL. I'm just protecting 72 evil people frozen in little chambers for 300 years. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
Scotty GOES to Jupiter, encountering a RATHER large space but REALLY REALLY secret platform that is building HUGE spaceships.
Scotty: Oooh! Fortunately for me and the plot, TOP SECRET advanced starships are remarkably easy to sneak on board!
Carol: And you thought my earlier popping on board the Enterprise without official authorization was just a gratuitous way to get in a later underwear scene.
Marcus: Hand over Khan, Kirk, like, right now. Cause I'm your superior officer and it is not remotely suspicious that I have managed to bring a starship all the way out to Klingon land without anyone else in Starfleet noticing and protesting. Ok, extremely improbable, but not remotely suspicious.
Kirk: WARP IT, SULU!
Marcus BLOWS Enterprise OUT of warp RATHER CONVENIENTLY CLOSE to EARTH and then BEGINS SHOOTING UP THE ENTERPRISE.
Kirk: Ok, that one I REALLY didn't see coming.
Carol: DADDY! I'm on the Enterprise! If you destroy the starship, you'll kill me!
Marcus: You seriously haven't been paying attention to the PLOT CONTRIVANCE BEAMING, have you? Beam her over! Even if she's running in slow motion since that is....obviously not the best way to avoid getting beamed up, even though we've already seen that MOVING AROUND makes it TOO DIFFICULT to BEAM PEOPLE UP.
Carol: Wow. I seriously am the most worthless person in the plot. Oh well.
Marcus: HAND OVER the 72 bodies! And Khan!
Kirk: Not so much. Sorry, everybody!
Marcus: DESTROY THE ENTERPRISE!
Kirk: Brace for death!
Marcus's ship FAILS TO SHOOT TORPEDOS.
Kirk: Or, not.
Scotty: Hi, everyone. In a twist that no one could have seen coming, all of the weapons on this ultra secret starship can be shut down by a single person. What were the odds?
Marcus: STILL GOING TO KILL YOU.
Kirk: Ok, new plan! Khan! We need to dive through a space field full of debris to get to the other ship to capture Marcus. You in?
Khan: Is it going to look cool?
Kirk: Yep! Scotty! Make sure you can have those doors open for us!
Scotty: To keep the suspense up, let me reiterate just how small this cargo hatch door is. In fact it's so small I don't actually know how it's handling CARGO. Maybe I should call it "PLOT PURPOSE DOOR" instead. Ok! I am ready to sneak you on board unless I am interrupted by an evil dude.
Evil dude: You called?
Scotty: Damn it!
Khan and Kirk SKYBOMB (or SPACEBOMB) through the debris field towards the EVIL SHIP. The coolness of this action sequence, which would otherwise be the highlight of the film, is somewhat marred when Kirk admits that HE DID THIS IN THE LAST FILM, only with FEWER THINGS hitting his helmet and CRACKING IT. Defying physics, chemistry, and plausibility, Khan and Kirk ARRIVE on the evil ship just as Scotty lets the SPACE VACUUM suck the Evil Dude out. The now CRACKED and USELESS helmets are TOSSED out so that Khan, Kirk, and Scotty can run through the evil ship. Amazingly, the evil ship has NO SYSTEMS to detect RANDOM PEOPLE running through it even though it supposedly has the VERY LATEST in high security.
Kirk: I begin to think that just possibly Khan is using us.
Spock: I can think of ONLY ONE course of action here!
Nimoy Spock: You gotta love that I can collect a paycheck for telling you that a guy who has already BLOWN UP parts of London, ATTACKED Starfleet Command, and KILLED about 20 Klingons in an incident that MAY CAUSE an intergalactic war is, you know, EVIL, and that you felt the need to CONTACT ME BEFORE you could FIGURE THIS OUT.
Audience: Yeah, but this bit is kinda awesome. YAY!!!!!
Kirk, Khan and Scotty arrive at the BRIDGE of the EVIL SHIP, just in time for Marcus to give another EVIL SPEECH.
Marcus: If I'm not in charge, WHO WILL LEAD US IN WAR?
Audience: Patrick Stewart!
Marcus: This obsession with British accents MUST STOP!
Khan: Well, that was nice, but I need to be the center of attention again. This can best be accomplished by my squeezing Marcus's skull TO DEATH.
Carol: Finally! A scene that allows me to DO something, even if it's just emoting and screaming and – what, a LENS FLARE is blocking my entire scene here?
Khan: I shall WALK OVER your cold corpses to recover my people. Ok, so it's not exactly much of a plan, but you've gotta admire my language and the lovely, lovely accent I'm saying it in.
Spock: Ok, then, I'll send over the 72 torpedoes. You send my crew back.
Khan: Sounds like a plan. Especially since a CAPTAIN should GO DOWN WITH HIS SHIP. I'm so not foreshadowing any upcoming betrayals or anything.
Khan BEAMS Kirk, Scotty and Carol BACK into the brig, which effectively ENDS Carol's participation in this flick, not that the audience can really notice. Spock, meanwhile, has SNEAKILY taken all of the frozen bodies OUT of the torpedoes and turned the torpedoes into something the ultra brilliant tactical genius Khan could never ever expect them to be – TORPEDOES. Things BLOW UP EVERYWHERE. The ALREADY BATTERED ENTERPRISE flails and flails as the gravity GOES OFF AND ON depending upon WHAT THE CAMERA feels like doing at ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT.
Kirk: Scotty! We have to save the engines or we'll NEVER get gravity back and our audience will become THOROUGHLY SICK! Ordinarily, since you are the engineer, I'd let you do it, but I need some heroic moments to make up for my past ethical lapses, so I'll just hit you on the head and RUN into the radioactive chamber even though we've had absolutely ZERO indications before this that I have any mechanical abilities whatsoever. Maybe I can just yell warp warp WARP at it.
Spock: ABANDON SHIP!
Sulu: And miss out on either a great death scene OR a great last minute rescue scene? No way.
Kirk: Since this is a highly sophisticated, valuable and radioactive warp core drive system, I shall fix it by KICKING IT.
THE BATTERED Enterprise SINKS SINKS into the clouds above EARTH and then RISES IN TRIUMPH, fortunately, because Mr. Sulu's seatbelt keeps COMING ON AND OFF.
Helms officer: It's a miracle! There we were, almost dying 200,000 kilometers from Earth, and now, here we are, orbiting Earth in almost perfect if battered safety. Let's hope no one focuses too hard on the cosmology of the solar system.
Scotty: Mr. Spock! I am summoning you to Engineering using dialogue stolen from a previous Star Trek film to get you to understand JUST HOW IMPORTANT this is. RUN RUN!
Spock RUNS AND RUNS, accompanied by LOTS AND LOTS of LENS FLARES to ENCOURAGE THE EYES of the audience TO FILL WITH TEARS.
Spock: Kirk! Kirk! YOU'RE DEAD!
Audience: Nah.
Spock: Let me holler KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN! just to emphasize Kirk's deadness!
Audience: Still not buying it.
Spock: KKKKKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!
Audience: Although we are reminded of a better film.
Helpful former Star Trek writers: We followed our death scene up with some bagpipes. That's always sad.
Spock: I don't have TIME for bagpipes! Khan is crashing into San Francisco! Time for scenes of mass destruction and an aerial chase.
Stunned crew members: Wait, how did Khan get his EXPLODED and VERY DAMAGED SHIP from Jupiter to Earth? For that matter, how did WE get our exploded and very damaged ship from Jupiter to Earth? You'd think a group of outer space explorers would know where Jupiter is.
Spock: NEVER MIND THAT! AFTER HIM! ANGRY VULCANS DO NOT WORRY ABOUT GEOGRAPHY.
Sulu: Khan couldn't possibly have survived that!
Spock: He's a superpowered villain, and we still haven't had our final chase or my surrender to my not particularly well hidden stores of anger yet!
Bones: That's all very exciting, but, really, I think I should just stare sadly at Kirk's body for a bit rather than helping to catch the villain or, you know, repair the ship. Wait! Tribble!
Unconcerned with the HEALING POWERS of TRIBBLES, Spock BEAMS down to San Francisco to chase and chase and chase Khan on various things that are flying around and around. It is not going well until UHURA SHOWS UP and SHOOTS KHAN. Not content with this, Spock hits Khan over and over in a KINDA KINKY kinda way.
Uhura: STOP! Spock! We need him ALIVE so we can SAVE CAPTAIN KIRK.
Surprisingly enough, the scientific Spock does not QUESTION THIS, even the film has ALREADY ESTABLISHED that the Enterprise has 72 other Khans just lying around who could ALSO be used to SAVE CAPTAIN KIRK and that the entire procedure is PRETTY MEDICALLY AND GENETICALLY questionable anyway. Spock hits Khan one more time.
Kirk: Flashback moments! Hi everyone! Spock! You saved my life!
Bones: So glad you noticed that Uhura and I contributed to the film.
Starfleet Command: Well, Kirk, in the last few years you've been involved in breaking the Prime Directive, almost starting a war with the Klingon Empire, destroying an extremely advanced and very expensive new starship, kicking a valuable warp core drive, getting about half your crew killed, not checking to see if the bad guy was really dead and thus allowing him to destroy a large section of San Francisco, and failing to understand basic volcanic mechanisms. What shall we do with you? I know! We'll send you out into deep space to terrorize new life and new civilizations!
Old Star Trek fans: Sniffle.
New Star Trek fans: YAY! More civilizations to blow up!
Producers: And that, my friends, is our anti-American intervention message.
I've been informed that Federation starships did land on planets in Voyager, but frankly I remember very little of that series.
Edit: Two people have pointed out that the proper title of this post should be Star Trek: Into Snarkness. So I have changed it.
Film BEGINS with the TRADEMARK J.J. ABRAMS lensflare BEFORE the production credits have EVEN ENDED. More lensflares FOLLOW as the camera FLARES FLARES FLARES down to a RED jungle land peopled by IGNORANT natives who are SO IGNORANT they have built a temple thing CLOSE to a volcano, and are not FLEEING even though the volcano is VISIBLY SMOKING and RED HOT with what COULD be lava but is MORE LIKELY computer animation. The camera zooms down THROUGH the red jungle to show us two masked and hooded figures FLEEING the temple carrying something which they have STOLEN from the temple, followed by some VERY ANGRY ignorant natives. A not very surprising reveal SHOWS us that the HOODED figures are in fact Bones and Kirk, running and running, and the ignorant natives are ignorant natives who can be ALMOST but NOT ENTIRELY stopped in their tracks by a NICE HANGING CANVAS.
Spock: Captain! I was under the impression that this was going to be a voyage of volcano exploration, not an Indiana Jones film!
Bones: The ignorant natives are trying to kill us! Are you in the volcano yet?
Spock: No! We need some establishing shots to demonstrate that Sulu will be the REAL voice of reason and logic in this film, and that Uhura and I are still in a relationship which is somewhat strained by my INABILITY to get her jokes. Don't expect that issue to go anywhere. Ok! I'm ready to dive into the volcano!
My brother, the geologist: I'm losing my suspension of disbelief here.
Kirk and Bones: And now, we shall DIVE off the cliff DOWN DOWN into the sea where the Enterprise is SECRETLY STASHED. Given that standard procedure, established in multiple prior episodes of multiple different parts of this franchise, is to have the starship go ROUND AND ROUND the planet so that NONE OF THE IGNORANT, VOLCANO WORSHIPPING NATIVES can SEE it unless they have RADAR or happen to be looking UP at the right time, it's not at all clear WHY I have stashed the Enterprise BENEATH AN OCEAN. Maybe it's to signal the upcoming MASSIVE CONFUSION about the CAPABILITIES OF TRANSPORTERS/BEAMING ME UP, SCOTTY.
Scotty, speaking for me: You do realize that starships were not exactly designed to spend extensive time in salt water?
Kirk: It's going to make for an awesome scene in about two minutes. How's Spock?
Spock: Kinda hot. Don't you know anything about volcanos?
Kirk: About the same as the screenwriters, which is to say, not much.
Chekov and Scotty: Although usually we can BEAM PEOPLE UP from or into ANYWHERE, including SHIPS GOING AT WARP SPEED, for some reason, the COMBINATION of the OCEAN and the VOLCANO means we CAN'T BEAM SPOCK UP AND LET HIM SET OFF A COLD FUSION DEVICE to STOP THE VOLCANO and save an ENTIRE CIVILIZATION of native people unless we PUT the Enterprise OVER THE VOLCANO.
Kirk: And that reason is...
Chekov and Scotty: Plot contrivance!
Spock: You cannot come rescue me, Kirk, since that would require taking the Enterprise OUT OF THE WATER and allowing the IGNORANT NATIVE PEOPLE to see us, THUS BREAKING THE PRIME DIRECTIVE.
Kirk: Like anyone on this franchise has ever listened to the damn prime directive anyway.
Spock: YOU CAN'T! I shall stay here and die quietly in the volcano.
My brother, the geologist: I don't think that's actually a volcano.
Kirk: But when you set off the COLD FUSION DEVICE to STOP THE VOLCANO, you'll DIE.
My brother, the geologist: I don't think that's how it works.
Spock: I AM PREPARED!
Bones: To be fair, he'd let you die.
Kirk: THE DILEMMA! THE DILEMMA! Wait. I'm Kirk. What dilemma?
To SWELLING MUSIC, Enterprise RISES from the OCEAN and heads TO THE VOLCANO, rescuing Spock at the VERY LAST MINUTE. Spock's COLD FUSION device STOPS the volcano.
Ignorant native people: Well,THAT'S a lot more interesting than the volcano.
My brother, the geologist: I have lost my suspension of disbelief.
Kirk: Time to celebrate my ignorance of geology, which allowed me to believe that a volcano eruption could be halted with a COLD FUSION device, with a nice threesome! Oh, damn. Phone. Even in the future you're never free.
Spock: I think we're in trouble.
Kirk: Are you kidding? We're up for this awesome awesome deep space mission thanks to our great volcano stopping device.
Spock: Let us NEVER mention that again. We are supposed to be the SCIENCE FICTION franchise, remember? The one that focuses on science, not the Force.
Kirk: I'm not sure our screenwriters know the difference.
Pike: Kirk, wanna talk about your little trip to the volcano?
Kirk: I thought it went well. Everyone lived.
Pike: Kirk. You are reckless! You broke the Prime Directive and lots of regulations and you lied on the Captain's Log. For someone who seemed to do some maturing in the last flick, you've certainly backtracked.
Kirk: How did you find out?
Spock: I told him.
Kirk: AUUGH!
Spock: Look. By now you really should have a clue that I have a tendency to do these sorts of things.
Pike: Kirk, you're totally demoted.
Meanwhile, over in London, Mickey from Doctor Who and his wife not from Doctor Who put on Very Sad Expressions and go through a very modern London to a Children's Hospital with Floating Hospital Beds. Despite all of this advanced technology and a TOY RABBIT their cute little daughter is DYING. Mickey looks VERY SAD.
Sherlock Holmes: I can help with that.
Mickey: How?
Sherlock Holmes: If you agree to completely betray Starfleet and blow up some of your coworkers, Mickey, I'll save your cute little daughter with MAGICAL BLOOD. I'll even THROW in the little TOY RABBIT. As a bonus, this will help EXPLAIN an otherwise COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS plot twist later. Well. It won't help explain things very much.
Mickey: We're sure the rabbit is safe?
Sherlock: Yep.
Mickey: Well, then. Blowing up a small part of London with connections to Deep Space Nine that will only be caught by diehard fans and friends of diehard fans who get texted with "OHMIGOD THEY HAD A DEEP SPACE NINE REF IN LONDON" leaving friends to go "WHAT?" and creating VAST CONFUSION it is then!
Parts of London BLOW UP.
Pike: Kirk! How convenient of you to treat your understandable irritation at getting fired from your job for saving your friend and an entire civilization by getting drunk, since this will allow me to REFERENCE parts of the FIRST movie which the AUDIENCE has MOSTLY forgotten. While we're talking about CONVENIENT PLOT THINGS, I'll just...give you a job as my First Officer right before we get informed about these London bombings.
Kirk, Spock and Pike arrive to a Starfleet conference of Captains and First Officers that is MOSTLY MEN, although previous installments have assured us that yes, women have gained MANY high ranking positions in Starfleet and should presumably be here as well oh well.
Kirk: Doesn't the London target strike you as odd?
Starfleet: We've watched Deep Space Nine and we're a bit spoiled, so no, although the snarker was completely confused by the inadequate text conversation about this so can't explain it.
Kirk: Ok, but the proper response to this would be to gather all the tactical people into a single room and –
Sherlock: You wanted me to go BOOM?
Various things go BOOM. Pike DIES along with MANY other EXTRAS. Kirk manages to bring down Sherlock's ship with a FIRE HOSE but SHERLOCK, being SERIOUSLY MORE AWESOME THAN ANYONE, TELEPORTS away.
Kirk: Well, that sucks. On the other hand, CAPTAIN AGAIN! My setbacks really don't last long, do they?
Scotty: I've found Sherlock! He beamed himself over to the Klingon Empire with a portable transporter station!
Kirk: Can he DO that? We couldn't even get Spock out of the volcano! Didn't previous parts of the franchise assure us that beaming has a LIMITED RANGE?
Scotty: The first rule of beaming people around is, if you need it for the plot, you can do it. If you don't need it, or can do something much more cool, you can't do it.
Kirk: Admiral Marcus! You need to let me go to the Klingon Empire to get revenge on this guy, even though I'll be breaking several Stargate regulations and this could start a war with the Klingons.
Admiral Marcus: Sounds like an awesome plan to me! Especially since, you know, they're Klingons and war is coming anyway. Just one tiny, tiny tiny little change: Can you take along these 72 thoroughly innocent little torpedos? And, er, blow them into Chronos, a world the Klingons are kinda fond of?
Kirk: Sure thing! Can I take Spock?
Admiral Marcus: We're all so fond of each other right now, why not?
Spock: Shouldn't we be a touch more skeptical of this highly immoral plan?
Kirk: No. Plus, I am distracted by hot blonde chick.
Hot blonde chick: Hi, I'm Carol Marcus. You may remember me from my last incarnation as a vital, passionate scientist who was Kirk's very much former love interest whose research was part of the basis for the plot. In this film, I'm here to do things that could be done by virtually any other character in the film and show everyone my underwear. Hi, Kirk!
Scotty: Captain! I dunna trust these torpedoes! They won't tell me what's in them!
Kirk: I'm sure they're just filled with nice explosive weaponry. I mean, they're torpedoes, and it's not like we put, say, dead or nearly dead or frozen bodies in torpedoes in the previous films that Carol was in or anything.
Scotty: That's the thing! These potentially dangerous torpedoes are going to be RIGHT NEAR a RADIOACTIVE warp core drive! This doesn't bother you?
Kirk: Since we will later discover that I know very very little about the finer points of engineering, no, not really.
Scotty: THEN I QUIT!
Kirk: I'd be worried about this, but this sort of thing doesn't last too long in this film. Chekov! Go take over engineering!
Chekov: Surely there's, I dunno, someone in the engineering department with a materials science degree more suited to this?
Kirk: Or, you!
Chekov: Right! Well, time for me to look mostly incompetent.
Kirk: ATTENTION CREW! We are currently flying to the Klingon Empire. Instead of BLOWING up their planet, which might start an ALL OUT WAR that would DESTROY our ENTIRE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET, we're instead going to capture Sherlock and bring him back to face trial.
Spock: Carol Marcus. I can't help noticing three things about you. One, for a physicist and weapons specialist you are really not doing anything useful. Two, you used a false name to get on board this ship. Three, you were never ever assigned to this ship.
Carol: You got me. Something is WRONG about these missiles!
Any hopes for uncovering everyone's SECRET AGENDAS are lost as the Enterprise falls out of warp.
Kirk: Chekov! What happened?
Chekov: You didn't put this place in charge of an engineer! You KNOW these engines blow up like every four episodes.
Kirk: Well, we'll just have to make the best of it. Sulu, take the captain's chair and get ready to threaten Sherlock. Spock, Uhura, two people in red shirts, come with me on this stolen ship. We're pretending to be smugglers. Everyone got it? Red shirt dudes, lose the red shirts.
Red shirt dudes: YAY! WE'RE GOING TO LIVE!
Kirk: No, I just need you to look SLIGHTLY more sneaky.
Red shirt dudes: Damn it! We knew we should have gone into science or medical!
Spock: Uhura, do you have a problem with me?
Kirk: Is this really the moment?
Uhura: Yes, yes I do. So does Kirk. You were just going to die in that volcano, thinking only of an ENTIRE CIVILIZATION at risk, and not of me – of us!
Spock: I'm just going to play the Romulans destroyed my home planet card.
Uhura: Glad this ended before I came out looking really selfish and self-serving.
Before the moment can get TOO heartwarming, a KLINGON Warbird appears.
Kirk: In retrospect perhaps we should have stolen a ship with some weapons capability.
Uhura: Kirk! I speak Klingon! Let me go talk to them! As a bonus the audience will be able to see my lovely, lovely legs.
Kirk: I can go for that.
Uhura and the Klingons chat in a UNFRIENDLY sort of way about honor until SHERLOCK STARTS SHOOTING everyone just cause. PHASERS pop out everywhere. Klingons DIE in suitably DRAMATIC fashions.
Sulu: I'll launch missiles at you, Sherlock! I'm SO NOT KIDDING HERE.
Sherlock: How many missiles are we talking about, exactly?
Kirk: 72.
Sherlock: Well, in that case, I surrender. I surrender lots. Please don't find this at all suspicious.
Bones: I need a blood sample. And THIS TRIBBLE.
Everyone: ....this tribble?
Tribble: Hi! No, no, of COURSE I'm not foreshadowing later scientifically questionable plot twists! I'm just a cute addition to the set. No, oh Doctor Bones, I don't at all mind you shooting me up with strange DNA stuff for testing purposes, although given the myriad species issues involved here and the small issue that I'M AN ALIEN I'm not sure how exactly this is working out. I think I liked it better when I was just cute and fluffy and used for comedy purposes.
Bones: And now that we've established your presence for later, pay no attention to the tribble inside the glass container.
Sherlock: It's time for me to admit it: I'm not ACTUALLY Sherlock Holmes! I'm KHAN! Let's not get into the fact that I no longer look Indian or Mexican and instead REVEL in the EVILNESS of my lovely, lovely, rich British voice.
Audience: OOOH.
Kirk: Since that name has more meaning to our audience than for us, fill us in.
Khan: I'm genetically enhanced quickly healing evil. However, you should COMPLETELY trust me. Admiral Marcus is using us both! And to prove this, I am going to give you a set of coordinates that you should totally check out.
Kirk: To be fair, I'm still dealing with grief and sleep deprivation, plus, it's not like Admiral Marcus has exactly been the most trustworthy figure so far. Ok! Let's check out these coordinates!
Spock: You do know the guy's evil, right?
Scotty: I'm DRINKING HERE. But, ok, if I need to make a quick trip to Jupiter, I can make a quick trip to Jupiter. The bar will still be here. Well. Bars will still be here.
Carol: Do we need another gratuitous underwear moment?
Kirk: Well, I'd be all up for that, but actually we need to check out those torpedoes. Mind you, with Spock, Chekov and all kinds of Skilled and Talented Engineers and Science Folk around, I have no idea why we're sending you and Bones to open up torpedoes other than to try to give you some reason to be in this film that doesn't involve your underwear.
Bones: I shall – get my arm almost crushed in an attempt to open this torpedo! Damn it! THE TORPEDO has armed itself and is about ready to blow itself up!
Kirk: Beam them up!
Chekov: Remember what we said about PLOT CONTRIVANCE? I CAN'T DO IT! Not while he is attached to the torpedo!
Carol: Fortunately, as a physicist, I can disarm this. It's not clear why I didn't DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Bones: On the bright side, we now learn why it was useful for me to be here. Kirk, everyone – it's FULL OF BODIES!
Khan: See? I'm not EVIL. I'm just protecting 72 evil people frozen in little chambers for 300 years. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
Scotty GOES to Jupiter, encountering a RATHER large space but REALLY REALLY secret platform that is building HUGE spaceships.
Scotty: Oooh! Fortunately for me and the plot, TOP SECRET advanced starships are remarkably easy to sneak on board!
Carol: And you thought my earlier popping on board the Enterprise without official authorization was just a gratuitous way to get in a later underwear scene.
Marcus: Hand over Khan, Kirk, like, right now. Cause I'm your superior officer and it is not remotely suspicious that I have managed to bring a starship all the way out to Klingon land without anyone else in Starfleet noticing and protesting. Ok, extremely improbable, but not remotely suspicious.
Kirk: WARP IT, SULU!
Marcus BLOWS Enterprise OUT of warp RATHER CONVENIENTLY CLOSE to EARTH and then BEGINS SHOOTING UP THE ENTERPRISE.
Kirk: Ok, that one I REALLY didn't see coming.
Carol: DADDY! I'm on the Enterprise! If you destroy the starship, you'll kill me!
Marcus: You seriously haven't been paying attention to the PLOT CONTRIVANCE BEAMING, have you? Beam her over! Even if she's running in slow motion since that is....obviously not the best way to avoid getting beamed up, even though we've already seen that MOVING AROUND makes it TOO DIFFICULT to BEAM PEOPLE UP.
Carol: Wow. I seriously am the most worthless person in the plot. Oh well.
Marcus: HAND OVER the 72 bodies! And Khan!
Kirk: Not so much. Sorry, everybody!
Marcus: DESTROY THE ENTERPRISE!
Kirk: Brace for death!
Marcus's ship FAILS TO SHOOT TORPEDOS.
Kirk: Or, not.
Scotty: Hi, everyone. In a twist that no one could have seen coming, all of the weapons on this ultra secret starship can be shut down by a single person. What were the odds?
Marcus: STILL GOING TO KILL YOU.
Kirk: Ok, new plan! Khan! We need to dive through a space field full of debris to get to the other ship to capture Marcus. You in?
Khan: Is it going to look cool?
Kirk: Yep! Scotty! Make sure you can have those doors open for us!
Scotty: To keep the suspense up, let me reiterate just how small this cargo hatch door is. In fact it's so small I don't actually know how it's handling CARGO. Maybe I should call it "PLOT PURPOSE DOOR" instead. Ok! I am ready to sneak you on board unless I am interrupted by an evil dude.
Evil dude: You called?
Scotty: Damn it!
Khan and Kirk SKYBOMB (or SPACEBOMB) through the debris field towards the EVIL SHIP. The coolness of this action sequence, which would otherwise be the highlight of the film, is somewhat marred when Kirk admits that HE DID THIS IN THE LAST FILM, only with FEWER THINGS hitting his helmet and CRACKING IT. Defying physics, chemistry, and plausibility, Khan and Kirk ARRIVE on the evil ship just as Scotty lets the SPACE VACUUM suck the Evil Dude out. The now CRACKED and USELESS helmets are TOSSED out so that Khan, Kirk, and Scotty can run through the evil ship. Amazingly, the evil ship has NO SYSTEMS to detect RANDOM PEOPLE running through it even though it supposedly has the VERY LATEST in high security.
Kirk: I begin to think that just possibly Khan is using us.
Spock: I can think of ONLY ONE course of action here!
Nimoy Spock: You gotta love that I can collect a paycheck for telling you that a guy who has already BLOWN UP parts of London, ATTACKED Starfleet Command, and KILLED about 20 Klingons in an incident that MAY CAUSE an intergalactic war is, you know, EVIL, and that you felt the need to CONTACT ME BEFORE you could FIGURE THIS OUT.
Audience: Yeah, but this bit is kinda awesome. YAY!!!!!
Kirk, Khan and Scotty arrive at the BRIDGE of the EVIL SHIP, just in time for Marcus to give another EVIL SPEECH.
Marcus: If I'm not in charge, WHO WILL LEAD US IN WAR?
Audience: Patrick Stewart!
Marcus: This obsession with British accents MUST STOP!
Khan: Well, that was nice, but I need to be the center of attention again. This can best be accomplished by my squeezing Marcus's skull TO DEATH.
Carol: Finally! A scene that allows me to DO something, even if it's just emoting and screaming and – what, a LENS FLARE is blocking my entire scene here?
Khan: I shall WALK OVER your cold corpses to recover my people. Ok, so it's not exactly much of a plan, but you've gotta admire my language and the lovely, lovely accent I'm saying it in.
Spock: Ok, then, I'll send over the 72 torpedoes. You send my crew back.
Khan: Sounds like a plan. Especially since a CAPTAIN should GO DOWN WITH HIS SHIP. I'm so not foreshadowing any upcoming betrayals or anything.
Khan BEAMS Kirk, Scotty and Carol BACK into the brig, which effectively ENDS Carol's participation in this flick, not that the audience can really notice. Spock, meanwhile, has SNEAKILY taken all of the frozen bodies OUT of the torpedoes and turned the torpedoes into something the ultra brilliant tactical genius Khan could never ever expect them to be – TORPEDOES. Things BLOW UP EVERYWHERE. The ALREADY BATTERED ENTERPRISE flails and flails as the gravity GOES OFF AND ON depending upon WHAT THE CAMERA feels like doing at ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT.
Kirk: Scotty! We have to save the engines or we'll NEVER get gravity back and our audience will become THOROUGHLY SICK! Ordinarily, since you are the engineer, I'd let you do it, but I need some heroic moments to make up for my past ethical lapses, so I'll just hit you on the head and RUN into the radioactive chamber even though we've had absolutely ZERO indications before this that I have any mechanical abilities whatsoever. Maybe I can just yell warp warp WARP at it.
Spock: ABANDON SHIP!
Sulu: And miss out on either a great death scene OR a great last minute rescue scene? No way.
Kirk: Since this is a highly sophisticated, valuable and radioactive warp core drive system, I shall fix it by KICKING IT.
THE BATTERED Enterprise SINKS SINKS into the clouds above EARTH and then RISES IN TRIUMPH, fortunately, because Mr. Sulu's seatbelt keeps COMING ON AND OFF.
Helms officer: It's a miracle! There we were, almost dying 200,000 kilometers from Earth, and now, here we are, orbiting Earth in almost perfect if battered safety. Let's hope no one focuses too hard on the cosmology of the solar system.
Scotty: Mr. Spock! I am summoning you to Engineering using dialogue stolen from a previous Star Trek film to get you to understand JUST HOW IMPORTANT this is. RUN RUN!
Spock RUNS AND RUNS, accompanied by LOTS AND LOTS of LENS FLARES to ENCOURAGE THE EYES of the audience TO FILL WITH TEARS.
Spock: Kirk! Kirk! YOU'RE DEAD!
Audience: Nah.
Spock: Let me holler KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN! just to emphasize Kirk's deadness!
Audience: Still not buying it.
Spock: KKKKKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!
Audience: Although we are reminded of a better film.
Helpful former Star Trek writers: We followed our death scene up with some bagpipes. That's always sad.
Spock: I don't have TIME for bagpipes! Khan is crashing into San Francisco! Time for scenes of mass destruction and an aerial chase.
Stunned crew members: Wait, how did Khan get his EXPLODED and VERY DAMAGED SHIP from Jupiter to Earth? For that matter, how did WE get our exploded and very damaged ship from Jupiter to Earth? You'd think a group of outer space explorers would know where Jupiter is.
Spock: NEVER MIND THAT! AFTER HIM! ANGRY VULCANS DO NOT WORRY ABOUT GEOGRAPHY.
Sulu: Khan couldn't possibly have survived that!
Spock: He's a superpowered villain, and we still haven't had our final chase or my surrender to my not particularly well hidden stores of anger yet!
Bones: That's all very exciting, but, really, I think I should just stare sadly at Kirk's body for a bit rather than helping to catch the villain or, you know, repair the ship. Wait! Tribble!
Unconcerned with the HEALING POWERS of TRIBBLES, Spock BEAMS down to San Francisco to chase and chase and chase Khan on various things that are flying around and around. It is not going well until UHURA SHOWS UP and SHOOTS KHAN. Not content with this, Spock hits Khan over and over in a KINDA KINKY kinda way.
Uhura: STOP! Spock! We need him ALIVE so we can SAVE CAPTAIN KIRK.
Surprisingly enough, the scientific Spock does not QUESTION THIS, even the film has ALREADY ESTABLISHED that the Enterprise has 72 other Khans just lying around who could ALSO be used to SAVE CAPTAIN KIRK and that the entire procedure is PRETTY MEDICALLY AND GENETICALLY questionable anyway. Spock hits Khan one more time.
Kirk: Flashback moments! Hi everyone! Spock! You saved my life!
Bones: So glad you noticed that Uhura and I contributed to the film.
Starfleet Command: Well, Kirk, in the last few years you've been involved in breaking the Prime Directive, almost starting a war with the Klingon Empire, destroying an extremely advanced and very expensive new starship, kicking a valuable warp core drive, getting about half your crew killed, not checking to see if the bad guy was really dead and thus allowing him to destroy a large section of San Francisco, and failing to understand basic volcanic mechanisms. What shall we do with you? I know! We'll send you out into deep space to terrorize new life and new civilizations!
Old Star Trek fans: Sniffle.
New Star Trek fans: YAY! More civilizations to blow up!
Producers: And that, my friends, is our anti-American intervention message.
I've been informed that Federation starships did land on planets in Voyager, but frankly I remember very little of that series.
Edit: Two people have pointed out that the proper title of this post should be Star Trek: Into Snarkness. So I have changed it.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-20 07:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-20 07:29 pm (UTC)