V, episode 2
Nov. 17th, 2009 07:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessBack by popular demand, I snark episode two of V, "There Is No Normal Anymore."
Show OPENS by recapping the last episode in under a minute, thus PROVING that most of the 43 minute pilot episode was a WASTE OF TIME.
Juliet: I don't know who to trust anymore. Certainly not my writers. Or the director. Or my agent, who took me from Lost to this.
Priest: As a priest, I should, at this point, offer spiritual comfort and consolation, or, barring that, some kind of a plan or prayers for all of the just massacred victims. Instead, I shall sit here awkwardly and ask dumb questions, continuing my quest to win the Worst Priest Ever award.
Alien shuttle SWOOPS by.
Priest: Because I am too dumb to figure out when a SPACESHIP is flying by, I shall ask, What's going on?
Juliet: They're cleaning up!
Priest: Well, on the bright side, they seem to have a greater concern for sanitation and health issues than the vast majority of Manhattan residents. And now, in an attempt to do ONE useful thing on this show, I shall now try to call 911. It's not clear why I wouldn't have called 911 earlier when people were BLEEDING TO DEATH and have only been reminded of this helpful metropolitan service now that spaceships are flying around, even though as far as I know 911's emergency services do not, in point of fact, include spaceship removal services.
Juliet: No! You can't use your cell phone! It has to be anonymous! You must use a payphone since there is NO WAY aliens with super advanced technology could EVER trace a PAY PHONE.
Priest: Er. We're in a nearly abandoned area of New York City. Where, exactly, do you think we're going to find a working pay phone?
Juliet: Conveniently enough, the aliens have STAGED their massacre right next to the LAST WORKING pay phone in New York City! Although I am a trained FBI agent, I do not find this at ALL suspicious!
Priest: And I was about to doubt that God still provides miracles.
Juliet: Help. People are being massacred and stuff, although I'll understand if you refuse to believe me, given my remarkably calm and measured tone.
Visitors: In an effort to increase our public services, we are not only monitoring all 911 calls made from suspiciously still working pay phones in deserted corners of New York City, but also answering each call personally, and following up on all calls. Despite this, we are inexplicably able to trace this pay phone call to a specific location and must therefore waste valuable screen time demanding an address. Clearly, we should have invested in Caller ID. On the other hand, we do have robots.
Robot CHASES Juliet and Priest but FAILS to kill them.
Priest: How is this possible?
Juliet: How is any of this possible? Go home. Don't trust anyone! And for crying out loud, hope that the Visitors continue to invest in extremely inept robots!
Priest: Well, it's not as if I'd need to trust anyone in my spiritual capacity or anything. Or have them trust me.
At Juliet's house, her annoying son is fortunately MISSING. Alas, this pleasant state of affairs does not last, ceasing when Juliet hears a MYSTERIOUS noise and heads downstairs to SWING at her son with a baseball bat in the understandable belief that he is a burglar since he hasn't bothered to TURN ON the LIGHTS like a normal member of the household hoping not to get brained. Unfortunately, she MISSES.
Juliet: It's important to me that you not get involved with the Visitors. No matter how hot they are.
Annoying son: Even though you just nearly KILLED me with a baseball bat, I shall nod in acceptance of this.
Juliet: Are you lying to me?
Annoying son: ...No.
Reporter: In the unsurprising news of the day, even though the Visitors are literally hovering over New York City and Los Angeles and have been for three weeks, the U.S. government still cannot decide whether or not to establish diplomatic relationships with the Vs and/or let them walk on city streets disguised as humans and continues to dither. Fortunately, the U.S. government has set up a task force to STUDY the problem even as GIANT ALIEN SHIPS with an UNKNOWN PURPOSE and lots of SPACE SHUTTLES continue to HOVER ABOVE the most important cities and financial centers of the country. And you thought this show wasn't realistic.
Older priest, listening: Yay! More Visitors on the streets means more souls to save! I'm not an alien.
Priest: Despite my spiritual calling, and the presence of aliens happy to massacre people, I shall now lie to the FBI agent. In my spare time, I'm volunteering for the People Who Think the Ten Commandments Are Just a Load of Crap.
Worried ABC executives: We're a bit worried about the ratings for this show.
Juliet TAKES a SHOWER, letting the warm water SLIDE gently and lovingly over her skin, as the camera LINGERS on naked body parts.
ABC executives: Thanks muchly!
Juliet's shower is SUDDENLY interrupted by a SURPRISINGLY UNSEXY appearance of Alan Tudyk, who instead of offering her a VIBRATING RUBBER DUCKY is instead holding a GUN to the chin of Juliet's Annoying Son. Juliet does not REACT to this sight with the joy that WOULD BE EXPECTED.
Alan: You left your gun!
Juliet: Generally, I try not to think about proper weapons procedure while taking a shower. Oh. I'm just having a waking nightmare. I so did not see that coming, what with all the stress and that.
Vibrating rubber duckies: We can help with that!
FBI Agents: Alan has disappeared!
Juliet: Well. I wouldn't know anything about that.
FBI Agents: You're his partner!
Juliet: Well, that apparently means less than I thought it did.
Engagement dude: Last night was great! Except for everybody getting massacred and all. But, hey, I got laid and my bandages are still intact, so, yay! Let's not probe too deeply into how we've managed to have all of this great interspecies sex and what I may or may not have been impregnating you with and whether or not this can biologically even work.
TV dude: I shall interrupt the show by explaining that I have daddy issues.
Morena TRIES on dresses with an admittedly AWESOME computer program.
Visitor dude, to Morena: No formal response yet from India.
Morena: Be patient. The U.S. is the lynchpin. Once they grant us freedom, the remaining countries will follow. [Real quote TM]
Other countries: Seriously?
North Korea: DUDES. How well you understand our love of following U.S. policy.
Visitor dude: But what if we need to set up technical support centers? After all, we're still unable to trace 911 calls from pay phones!
Morena: Never mind. You still don't understand humanity. I, on the other hand, understand it so well that I'm actually planning to wear a kimono to Washington, DC to ask the U.S. government to let us walk around in freedom. Come to think of it, that might actually work. Cause I'm hot.
In the single most interesting scene yet, the giant letter V BLEEDS all over the screen.
Juliet RETURNS to the FBI office and tries NOT to give anyone SUSPICIOUS LOOKS. Everyone LOOKS at Juliet suspiciously.
FBI Office: Although we have found nothing suspicious in the Visitors' sudden appearance, ability to switch to any costume on earth, and delightful makeup, we do find it suspicious that Alan's wife noticed that he didn't come home last night, that he was with you, and that instead of confronting YOU about the rather obvious implications here she has contacted US instead.
Juliet, SUSPICIOUSLY AVERTING her eyes: Since I apparently failed to use my cellphone to obtain visual proof that my partner is actually an alien, I shall fail to tell my boss this rather important information, which could not only help EXPOSE the Visitors as the Rather Suspicious Aliens that they are, and help SAVE my annoying son from their influence, it could also not incidentally make me look a little less suspicious. A little more crazy and paranoid, but a little less suspicious.
Tokyo and Mexico City: In an effort to get ourselves on this show, we shall establish diplomatic relations with the Visitors. Don't expect to see us again for awhile.
Morena: We have now shown our political awareness by communicating with people outside the U.S. We are at peace. Always.
TV guy: I got played. I need to show Morena she's not the only one who can get what she wants. Fortunately, this should be easy enough, since I'm an evil TV guy with no morals.
Engagement girl: Here. Have your ring back. You can give it to me when you're ready. Wanna have lunch?
Engagement dude: Er. No. I have to go…to Jersey. Right. Jersey. That's not suspicious!
Engagement girl: Are we sure that I'm not allowed to be suspicious anymore?
Teenage boys head off to the VISITOR COMPOUND, which has apparently been constructed, complete with WIRE FENCES and CONCRETE WALLS, in about three weeks. Boys are SHOCKED to see protestors waving signs, which, shockingly, are anti-Visitors and not about the rising price of coffee.
Teenage boys: Seriously, why wouldn't anyone not want to talk to hot aliens with perfect makeup? It's not like these aliens are at all suspicious. Do you see how hot they are?
Lisa: I shall go ahead and prove my trustworthiness by sneaking you guys up to the front of the line all the way in front of everyone else who a) waited in line and b) had the courtesy to look at my face, not my cleavage. I'm not suspicious.
Teenage boy: Two words: Awesome. [Real quote]
Old priest: Is something troubling you?
Priest: I kinda lied to the FBI agent.
Old priest: That poor soul was clearly disturbed. Tread carefully. There are sensitive talks between our government and the Visitors. You wouldn't want to disturb them by telling the truth, now would you? Wait. Didn't I train you? I think we're beginning to understand why you're such a terrible priest. Also, I'm not an alien.
FBI boss to Juliet: Although both your averted eyes and your story are highly questionable, I shall invite you to come along to investigate your partner's disappearance. Don't ask why I've gotten a position of authority here.
Director: I shall tilt the camera at an angle to show how screwy this is.
Juliet: Hurray! I've just found my gun in my partner's car, which has shockingly enough NOT BEEN SEARCHED or even MARKED OFF with yellow tape even though we are leading a FEDERAL search for him.
Visitors to Resistance Guy: We shall torture you with images of snakes. Fortunately, you are one of the humans who does find snakes terrifying, instead of one of the many who like to keep them as pets. You may have noticed that our study of your planet's culture has not been that deep.
Resistance Guy: True. For instance, you could have made this more fun for all of us by spending your time on earth learning torture techniques from our kinkier sorts of clubs. But to add tension, I shall SCREAM in the fake belief that these snakes are real.
Engagement dude: I'm looking for Angelo.
Angelo: Don't know him.
Engagement dude PULLS Angelo out and slams him against a car.
Angelo: Ok, I might know him a LITTLE.
Priest: Although my spiritual advisor has advised me to lie, the sudden and inexplicable conscience I have developed shall send me back to the FBI office where I can quietly confess that I lied and no one will know and – Juliet! Fancy seeing you here! You're an FBI agent?
Juliet: You're a PRIEST?
Priest: Well, I can see how that might be confusing. But yes! In the sense that I wear a Priestly Collar and will later be seen in a church. If not precisely in the Actively Practicing Christian sense!
Other FBI agent: You two know each other?
Juliet: No.
Priest: Yes.
Other FBI agent: Good thing I've been too overcome with the clouds of Incorrect Suspicions to notice this!
Juliet: You're not here to tell the FBI about the aliens, are you?
Priest: That would be an understandable conclusion, given that just scenes ago I was lying about the aliens and…Does anyone know my motivation here?
Juliet's annoying son: Lisa, my love for you is so strong that it can outweigh the shouts of protestors! Come, let's get pizza!
Lisa: What makes you think I would go anywhere with you?
Annoying son: Well, you're putting your picture on my iPhone.
Lisa: You may have a point.
Annoying son: I shall now start my peacekeeping mission by hitting someone in the nose.
Lisa: Even though we're actually all here to eat you, I shall pretend I am greatly disappointed to find out about your violent tendencies.
Engagement guy and Angelo chat over SYRINGES.
Angelo: Don't tell me you're in love with her.
Engagement guy: No, I'm all about the fight. Wait…Did you just drug me?
Angelo: Look, after all of that hiding of engagement rings and keeping lunch dates, you thought I was going to trust you?
Juliet to Priest: What part of don't trust anyone do you not understand? Stick to preaching.
Priest: Having started my day off with some cheerful lying, I shall now follow this up with some swearing, major anger issues, and stalking off. It's just possible that I might need a bit of priestly retraining here. I may need a refund from my seminary.
Juliet's boss: I just keep wondering why Alan would go into that warehouse by himself.
Juliet: Me too.
Juliet's boss: Interestingly enough, you and Alan have different case notes. Instead of being relieved that you two aren't just copying from each other and are trying to produce original research, I want to know why you are lying about last night.
Juliet: I'm not lying.
Juliet's boss PLAYS back the FAILED 911 telephone call.
Juliet: Ok, maybe I'm lying a little. But look! Alan is a traitor! And I can prove it! Well. Not with any current evidence or anything. But, seriously! Traitor!
Juliet's boss: Even though you lied to me and have fraudulent case notes and a frankly very thin story, I shall trust you to prove that Alan is a traitor. Also, my office isn't bugged. Talk freely!
TV dude: Following the lead of CNN, I shall now offer a show presenting pro and anti V viewpoints.
Visitors: This style of journalism is completely new to us! We are also shocked that anyone would be anti the arrival of aliens! Wait. Just how long WERE we studying human culture?
Juliet to Priest: I've, um, come to apologize.
Priest: I'm packing!
Juliet: Look, I know I just told you before the last commercial break that fighting was a bad idea. But I was wrong! Think about it! Think of everything that Alan might have done with his wife in the last seven years!
Priest: Wait. Alan had a wife? Is she a Visitor too? Cause if so, KINKY!
Juliet: I shall ignore that very reasonable question while begging you to fight.
Priest: Even though I've been wanting to fight all episode, I shall now FINALLY remember my Christian training and instead work on this whole packing boxes thing.
Juliet: I need your help! You're the only person I can trust.
Priest: Do you SEE these boxes that need to be packed?
Angelo to Engagement dude: You have to leave your girlfriend. Permanently.
Engagement dude: This from the guy that just drugged me?
Angelo: I shall dump a lot of personal info here.
Annoying son to Lisa the alien: You HAVE to let me back into the program!
Lisa: Did you miss the part where it's a PEACE program?
Annoying son: But if you don't let me back in, how will I ever get laid by an alien?
Visitor, to TV dude: What's with the negative press coverage?
TV dude: It's an American tradition! Plus, it got you the diplomatic relationship you wanted, although it's not at all clear why negative press coverage about you would really help that sort of thing.
Visitor: But we agreed, no negative press coverage!
TV dude: Er. I'm a member of the press. It's best not to believe a thing I say. Except this one: The next time you want my help, it will be on my terms.
Anna: We are at peace. No, I really have nothing else to say, except that I'm hot.
Old priest: Ah, peace. A great blessing. I'm not an alien.
Anna CALLS TV dude and HANGS up on him.
Priest: Now that diplomatic relationships have been established, I'm back on board with the whole fighting thing!
Juliet: I can only hope you prove slightly more reliable in future episodes. Meanwhile, I'm looking for people who hate the aliens and want to fight!
Protestors: Er, yes, US. We realize we're just extras and all that, but we have PROTEST signs, and we've already been on all the major networks. Does that count for nothing?
Juliet: Well, no, since why would I, as an FBI agent assigned to monitor terrorist activity, be paying any attention whatsoever to protest groups who are threatening to do violence? Instead, I shall steal this list of people who have made crank calls about aliens to the FBI and call them instead!
Engagement girl: Luckily for me, the arrival of Visitors has vastly increased the need for my therapy services. Unluckily for you, the extra work has not left me tired enough to ignore the appearance of this mysterious and suspicious card.
Engagement guy: Let me distract you from the mysterious card with some nuzzling.
Engagement girl: Ok! Maybe if I continue to not be suspicious at all, I can get a necklace to match the ring!
Juliet to Annoying Son: Although I am an FBI agent, I am completely unaware that you are not exactly truthful with me and have no way of trying to find this out. So, thanks for not getting involved with the Visitors!
Annoying Son STARES at Lisa's picture, ignoring the OMINOUS MUSIC. For a SECOND SCENE in a row, the script chooses PICTURES over ACTION, as Juliet SHREDS Alan's picture. Millions of Firefly fans CRY OUT in dismay. Visitors immediately PROVE that they are deeply compassionate people by RESTORING Alan to life. Kinda. And mostly naked. Immediately vastly improving the show.
Show OPENS by recapping the last episode in under a minute, thus PROVING that most of the 43 minute pilot episode was a WASTE OF TIME.
Juliet: I don't know who to trust anymore. Certainly not my writers. Or the director. Or my agent, who took me from Lost to this.
Priest: As a priest, I should, at this point, offer spiritual comfort and consolation, or, barring that, some kind of a plan or prayers for all of the just massacred victims. Instead, I shall sit here awkwardly and ask dumb questions, continuing my quest to win the Worst Priest Ever award.
Alien shuttle SWOOPS by.
Priest: Because I am too dumb to figure out when a SPACESHIP is flying by, I shall ask, What's going on?
Juliet: They're cleaning up!
Priest: Well, on the bright side, they seem to have a greater concern for sanitation and health issues than the vast majority of Manhattan residents. And now, in an attempt to do ONE useful thing on this show, I shall now try to call 911. It's not clear why I wouldn't have called 911 earlier when people were BLEEDING TO DEATH and have only been reminded of this helpful metropolitan service now that spaceships are flying around, even though as far as I know 911's emergency services do not, in point of fact, include spaceship removal services.
Juliet: No! You can't use your cell phone! It has to be anonymous! You must use a payphone since there is NO WAY aliens with super advanced technology could EVER trace a PAY PHONE.
Priest: Er. We're in a nearly abandoned area of New York City. Where, exactly, do you think we're going to find a working pay phone?
Juliet: Conveniently enough, the aliens have STAGED their massacre right next to the LAST WORKING pay phone in New York City! Although I am a trained FBI agent, I do not find this at ALL suspicious!
Priest: And I was about to doubt that God still provides miracles.
Juliet: Help. People are being massacred and stuff, although I'll understand if you refuse to believe me, given my remarkably calm and measured tone.
Visitors: In an effort to increase our public services, we are not only monitoring all 911 calls made from suspiciously still working pay phones in deserted corners of New York City, but also answering each call personally, and following up on all calls. Despite this, we are inexplicably able to trace this pay phone call to a specific location and must therefore waste valuable screen time demanding an address. Clearly, we should have invested in Caller ID. On the other hand, we do have robots.
Robot CHASES Juliet and Priest but FAILS to kill them.
Priest: How is this possible?
Juliet: How is any of this possible? Go home. Don't trust anyone! And for crying out loud, hope that the Visitors continue to invest in extremely inept robots!
Priest: Well, it's not as if I'd need to trust anyone in my spiritual capacity or anything. Or have them trust me.
At Juliet's house, her annoying son is fortunately MISSING. Alas, this pleasant state of affairs does not last, ceasing when Juliet hears a MYSTERIOUS noise and heads downstairs to SWING at her son with a baseball bat in the understandable belief that he is a burglar since he hasn't bothered to TURN ON the LIGHTS like a normal member of the household hoping not to get brained. Unfortunately, she MISSES.
Juliet: It's important to me that you not get involved with the Visitors. No matter how hot they are.
Annoying son: Even though you just nearly KILLED me with a baseball bat, I shall nod in acceptance of this.
Juliet: Are you lying to me?
Annoying son: ...No.
Reporter: In the unsurprising news of the day, even though the Visitors are literally hovering over New York City and Los Angeles and have been for three weeks, the U.S. government still cannot decide whether or not to establish diplomatic relationships with the Vs and/or let them walk on city streets disguised as humans and continues to dither. Fortunately, the U.S. government has set up a task force to STUDY the problem even as GIANT ALIEN SHIPS with an UNKNOWN PURPOSE and lots of SPACE SHUTTLES continue to HOVER ABOVE the most important cities and financial centers of the country. And you thought this show wasn't realistic.
Older priest, listening: Yay! More Visitors on the streets means more souls to save! I'm not an alien.
Priest: Despite my spiritual calling, and the presence of aliens happy to massacre people, I shall now lie to the FBI agent. In my spare time, I'm volunteering for the People Who Think the Ten Commandments Are Just a Load of Crap.
Worried ABC executives: We're a bit worried about the ratings for this show.
Juliet TAKES a SHOWER, letting the warm water SLIDE gently and lovingly over her skin, as the camera LINGERS on naked body parts.
ABC executives: Thanks muchly!
Juliet's shower is SUDDENLY interrupted by a SURPRISINGLY UNSEXY appearance of Alan Tudyk, who instead of offering her a VIBRATING RUBBER DUCKY is instead holding a GUN to the chin of Juliet's Annoying Son. Juliet does not REACT to this sight with the joy that WOULD BE EXPECTED.
Alan: You left your gun!
Juliet: Generally, I try not to think about proper weapons procedure while taking a shower. Oh. I'm just having a waking nightmare. I so did not see that coming, what with all the stress and that.
Vibrating rubber duckies: We can help with that!
FBI Agents: Alan has disappeared!
Juliet: Well. I wouldn't know anything about that.
FBI Agents: You're his partner!
Juliet: Well, that apparently means less than I thought it did.
Engagement dude: Last night was great! Except for everybody getting massacred and all. But, hey, I got laid and my bandages are still intact, so, yay! Let's not probe too deeply into how we've managed to have all of this great interspecies sex and what I may or may not have been impregnating you with and whether or not this can biologically even work.
TV dude: I shall interrupt the show by explaining that I have daddy issues.
Morena TRIES on dresses with an admittedly AWESOME computer program.
Visitor dude, to Morena: No formal response yet from India.
Morena: Be patient. The U.S. is the lynchpin. Once they grant us freedom, the remaining countries will follow. [Real quote TM]
Other countries: Seriously?
North Korea: DUDES. How well you understand our love of following U.S. policy.
Visitor dude: But what if we need to set up technical support centers? After all, we're still unable to trace 911 calls from pay phones!
Morena: Never mind. You still don't understand humanity. I, on the other hand, understand it so well that I'm actually planning to wear a kimono to Washington, DC to ask the U.S. government to let us walk around in freedom. Come to think of it, that might actually work. Cause I'm hot.
In the single most interesting scene yet, the giant letter V BLEEDS all over the screen.
Juliet RETURNS to the FBI office and tries NOT to give anyone SUSPICIOUS LOOKS. Everyone LOOKS at Juliet suspiciously.
FBI Office: Although we have found nothing suspicious in the Visitors' sudden appearance, ability to switch to any costume on earth, and delightful makeup, we do find it suspicious that Alan's wife noticed that he didn't come home last night, that he was with you, and that instead of confronting YOU about the rather obvious implications here she has contacted US instead.
Juliet, SUSPICIOUSLY AVERTING her eyes: Since I apparently failed to use my cellphone to obtain visual proof that my partner is actually an alien, I shall fail to tell my boss this rather important information, which could not only help EXPOSE the Visitors as the Rather Suspicious Aliens that they are, and help SAVE my annoying son from their influence, it could also not incidentally make me look a little less suspicious. A little more crazy and paranoid, but a little less suspicious.
Tokyo and Mexico City: In an effort to get ourselves on this show, we shall establish diplomatic relations with the Visitors. Don't expect to see us again for awhile.
Morena: We have now shown our political awareness by communicating with people outside the U.S. We are at peace. Always.
TV guy: I got played. I need to show Morena she's not the only one who can get what she wants. Fortunately, this should be easy enough, since I'm an evil TV guy with no morals.
Engagement girl: Here. Have your ring back. You can give it to me when you're ready. Wanna have lunch?
Engagement dude: Er. No. I have to go…to Jersey. Right. Jersey. That's not suspicious!
Engagement girl: Are we sure that I'm not allowed to be suspicious anymore?
Teenage boys head off to the VISITOR COMPOUND, which has apparently been constructed, complete with WIRE FENCES and CONCRETE WALLS, in about three weeks. Boys are SHOCKED to see protestors waving signs, which, shockingly, are anti-Visitors and not about the rising price of coffee.
Teenage boys: Seriously, why wouldn't anyone not want to talk to hot aliens with perfect makeup? It's not like these aliens are at all suspicious. Do you see how hot they are?
Lisa: I shall go ahead and prove my trustworthiness by sneaking you guys up to the front of the line all the way in front of everyone else who a) waited in line and b) had the courtesy to look at my face, not my cleavage. I'm not suspicious.
Teenage boy: Two words: Awesome. [Real quote]
Old priest: Is something troubling you?
Priest: I kinda lied to the FBI agent.
Old priest: That poor soul was clearly disturbed. Tread carefully. There are sensitive talks between our government and the Visitors. You wouldn't want to disturb them by telling the truth, now would you? Wait. Didn't I train you? I think we're beginning to understand why you're such a terrible priest. Also, I'm not an alien.
FBI boss to Juliet: Although both your averted eyes and your story are highly questionable, I shall invite you to come along to investigate your partner's disappearance. Don't ask why I've gotten a position of authority here.
Director: I shall tilt the camera at an angle to show how screwy this is.
Juliet: Hurray! I've just found my gun in my partner's car, which has shockingly enough NOT BEEN SEARCHED or even MARKED OFF with yellow tape even though we are leading a FEDERAL search for him.
Visitors to Resistance Guy: We shall torture you with images of snakes. Fortunately, you are one of the humans who does find snakes terrifying, instead of one of the many who like to keep them as pets. You may have noticed that our study of your planet's culture has not been that deep.
Resistance Guy: True. For instance, you could have made this more fun for all of us by spending your time on earth learning torture techniques from our kinkier sorts of clubs. But to add tension, I shall SCREAM in the fake belief that these snakes are real.
Engagement dude: I'm looking for Angelo.
Angelo: Don't know him.
Engagement dude PULLS Angelo out and slams him against a car.
Angelo: Ok, I might know him a LITTLE.
Priest: Although my spiritual advisor has advised me to lie, the sudden and inexplicable conscience I have developed shall send me back to the FBI office where I can quietly confess that I lied and no one will know and – Juliet! Fancy seeing you here! You're an FBI agent?
Juliet: You're a PRIEST?
Priest: Well, I can see how that might be confusing. But yes! In the sense that I wear a Priestly Collar and will later be seen in a church. If not precisely in the Actively Practicing Christian sense!
Other FBI agent: You two know each other?
Juliet: No.
Priest: Yes.
Other FBI agent: Good thing I've been too overcome with the clouds of Incorrect Suspicions to notice this!
Juliet: You're not here to tell the FBI about the aliens, are you?
Priest: That would be an understandable conclusion, given that just scenes ago I was lying about the aliens and…Does anyone know my motivation here?
Juliet's annoying son: Lisa, my love for you is so strong that it can outweigh the shouts of protestors! Come, let's get pizza!
Lisa: What makes you think I would go anywhere with you?
Annoying son: Well, you're putting your picture on my iPhone.
Lisa: You may have a point.
Annoying son: I shall now start my peacekeeping mission by hitting someone in the nose.
Lisa: Even though we're actually all here to eat you, I shall pretend I am greatly disappointed to find out about your violent tendencies.
Engagement guy and Angelo chat over SYRINGES.
Angelo: Don't tell me you're in love with her.
Engagement guy: No, I'm all about the fight. Wait…Did you just drug me?
Angelo: Look, after all of that hiding of engagement rings and keeping lunch dates, you thought I was going to trust you?
Juliet to Priest: What part of don't trust anyone do you not understand? Stick to preaching.
Priest: Having started my day off with some cheerful lying, I shall now follow this up with some swearing, major anger issues, and stalking off. It's just possible that I might need a bit of priestly retraining here. I may need a refund from my seminary.
Juliet's boss: I just keep wondering why Alan would go into that warehouse by himself.
Juliet: Me too.
Juliet's boss: Interestingly enough, you and Alan have different case notes. Instead of being relieved that you two aren't just copying from each other and are trying to produce original research, I want to know why you are lying about last night.
Juliet: I'm not lying.
Juliet's boss PLAYS back the FAILED 911 telephone call.
Juliet: Ok, maybe I'm lying a little. But look! Alan is a traitor! And I can prove it! Well. Not with any current evidence or anything. But, seriously! Traitor!
Juliet's boss: Even though you lied to me and have fraudulent case notes and a frankly very thin story, I shall trust you to prove that Alan is a traitor. Also, my office isn't bugged. Talk freely!
TV dude: Following the lead of CNN, I shall now offer a show presenting pro and anti V viewpoints.
Visitors: This style of journalism is completely new to us! We are also shocked that anyone would be anti the arrival of aliens! Wait. Just how long WERE we studying human culture?
Juliet to Priest: I've, um, come to apologize.
Priest: I'm packing!
Juliet: Look, I know I just told you before the last commercial break that fighting was a bad idea. But I was wrong! Think about it! Think of everything that Alan might have done with his wife in the last seven years!
Priest: Wait. Alan had a wife? Is she a Visitor too? Cause if so, KINKY!
Juliet: I shall ignore that very reasonable question while begging you to fight.
Priest: Even though I've been wanting to fight all episode, I shall now FINALLY remember my Christian training and instead work on this whole packing boxes thing.
Juliet: I need your help! You're the only person I can trust.
Priest: Do you SEE these boxes that need to be packed?
Angelo to Engagement dude: You have to leave your girlfriend. Permanently.
Engagement dude: This from the guy that just drugged me?
Angelo: I shall dump a lot of personal info here.
Annoying son to Lisa the alien: You HAVE to let me back into the program!
Lisa: Did you miss the part where it's a PEACE program?
Annoying son: But if you don't let me back in, how will I ever get laid by an alien?
Visitor, to TV dude: What's with the negative press coverage?
TV dude: It's an American tradition! Plus, it got you the diplomatic relationship you wanted, although it's not at all clear why negative press coverage about you would really help that sort of thing.
Visitor: But we agreed, no negative press coverage!
TV dude: Er. I'm a member of the press. It's best not to believe a thing I say. Except this one: The next time you want my help, it will be on my terms.
Anna: We are at peace. No, I really have nothing else to say, except that I'm hot.
Old priest: Ah, peace. A great blessing. I'm not an alien.
Anna CALLS TV dude and HANGS up on him.
Priest: Now that diplomatic relationships have been established, I'm back on board with the whole fighting thing!
Juliet: I can only hope you prove slightly more reliable in future episodes. Meanwhile, I'm looking for people who hate the aliens and want to fight!
Protestors: Er, yes, US. We realize we're just extras and all that, but we have PROTEST signs, and we've already been on all the major networks. Does that count for nothing?
Juliet: Well, no, since why would I, as an FBI agent assigned to monitor terrorist activity, be paying any attention whatsoever to protest groups who are threatening to do violence? Instead, I shall steal this list of people who have made crank calls about aliens to the FBI and call them instead!
Engagement girl: Luckily for me, the arrival of Visitors has vastly increased the need for my therapy services. Unluckily for you, the extra work has not left me tired enough to ignore the appearance of this mysterious and suspicious card.
Engagement guy: Let me distract you from the mysterious card with some nuzzling.
Engagement girl: Ok! Maybe if I continue to not be suspicious at all, I can get a necklace to match the ring!
Juliet to Annoying Son: Although I am an FBI agent, I am completely unaware that you are not exactly truthful with me and have no way of trying to find this out. So, thanks for not getting involved with the Visitors!
Annoying Son STARES at Lisa's picture, ignoring the OMINOUS MUSIC. For a SECOND SCENE in a row, the script chooses PICTURES over ACTION, as Juliet SHREDS Alan's picture. Millions of Firefly fans CRY OUT in dismay. Visitors immediately PROVE that they are deeply compassionate people by RESTORING Alan to life. Kinda. And mostly naked. Immediately vastly improving the show.