Robin Hood
Jun. 22nd, 2010 09:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessSo for Father's Day, we headed out to Downtown Disney to see Robin Hood, picking that theatre since it offered the only showing of that film that was a) not on during the Italy World Cup game, b) not on during the U.S. Open in golf, and c) not adjacent to a parking lot filled with happy Harry Potter fans. By such restrictions are our decisions made.
Anyway, my father loved the film, my brother liked the film, and I, of course, felt the need to snark the film.
Film BEGINS with a trailer for the next TWILIGHT film. The audience CRIES as my father and brother BLINK in puzzlement. We LEARN that my father still labors under the comforting delusion that vampires never come out during the day, clouds or no clouds, and do not sparkle. Relief FILLS the room as we realize that SOME PEOPLE remain safe.
Er. Ok. I lied. Film ACTUALLY OPENS by announcing "The outlaw takes his place in history," cheerfully ignoring the REALITY that most outlaws are SENT to prison or SHOT. To further emphasize its fantastic features, film SHOWS us what are PROBABLY small children in wolf masks happily SETTING FIRE to things, although it is DIFFICULT to tell.
Marion: Because the lighting here is so terrible, I shall release a flying flaming arrow that will at least let the audience SEE what is going on. Also, this will ADD to the fires, which is always a plus.
Knight: Ok, one more castle to sack, and then, we're off to England.
Richard: Clearly, I do not think this is much of an incentive.
Film: Too bad. We're about ten minutes into this film and no one has died yet. MORE KILLING!
More killing ENSUES. Various EXTRAS die HORRIBLE DEATHS in a nicely CONFUSING battle montage. The English BURN the castle gate.
Film: We've had a full three minutes without a single death! MORE KILLING!
More killing ensues. Various EXTRAS die HORRIBLE DEATHS in the fire.
Tower of London: Hi! I am unexpectedly muddy, but let's all just admire the way my CGI towers soar, soar into the grey skies, as we kinda wonder why on earth, with this movie's huge budget, no one thought of filming me on location with another castle to fill in.
Eleanor of Aquitaine: Because pretty much all movies require me to be a total bitch, I shall insult my daughter in law and walk in on my naked son while he's all nekkid with a French princess. I shall then cover the girl's head with a nice cloth, because, as we all know, covering girls' heads with nice cloths means that they are no longer in my presence. We will all be sort of sorry that I explained this out loud.
John: Er! Awkward moment, Mom! Anyway, I'm just bedding this girl out of politics. Really. And geography. Really, really.
Russell Robin: Ok, I'm kinda cheating my fellow soldiers in a shell game, but, I'm the honest guy of the film. Seriously.
Little John: Hey, I'm one of the real bad guys from Lost. TRY ME.
Richard the Lionhearted: Ok, ok, I'll go back home to lock up my brother and all that, since it seems to be my duty. But first, since I am apparently under the impression that I am actually in a production of Henry V, I shall don a nice cloak and walk through my men in a nicely anonymous hooded fashion.
Film: Crap! We've gone a whole FIVE MINUTES without VIOLENCE! START FIGHTING!
Russell Robin, Little John and VARIOUS EXTRAS START FIGHTING.
Richard the Lionhearted: This sort of thing never happened to Henry V. No wonder he gave better speeches. Are any of you honest?
Russell Robin: Well, this entire fight started from me trying to cheat my fellow comrades in a shell game, but, um, sure! The massacre at Acre was a pretty bad thing.
Various GHOSTS howl in the soundtrack, as if to PROVE Russell Robin's point.
Richard the Lionhearted: Right! Your honesty shows that you are a TRUE Englishman! Now I shall put you in the stocks for insulting me. Good to be king!
Philip Augustus: Hi! I'm intriguing with people, because I'm French! But in kindness to the audience and the growing film budget, after a few token French words I shall intrigue in English with a nice French accent to SAVE on SUBTITLES. Also, in just a few minutes in this film, I have learned that Richard puts people in stocks and thinks he's Henry V, and John has a lot of sex with the wrong people, so, clearly, my best move is to assassinate Richard so I can invade England and defeat John! We can all easily understand why history has remembered me as a wise and wily king responsible for expanding French territory and bringing economic prosperity and a rising middle class to France! Here, have an oyster with my blood on it.
Evil betraying dude: Well, that's better than the soup in the next scene, so, sure! Plus, you know, kingly blood is a great flavor.
Film: MORE VIOLENCE!
MORE VIOLENCE! Extras DIE EVERYWHERE. Richard the Lionhearted is VIOLENTLY attacked and DIES from a lack of MEDICAL INSURANCE. (Not snark!)
Boy: I shall conveniently see the death of Richard just in time to warn Russell Robin.
Russell Robin: Well, since I've been stuck here in the stocks, and I'm gathering that I can't get paid by a dead man, I'll be off then.
Film: WE NEED MORE FIGHTING AND VIOLENCE!
More fighting and violence ensues.
Evil betraying French dude: Yay, Richard is already dead! Well, that makes this plotting MUCH easier. As long as we get his crown –
A HORSE takes this moment to RUN AWAY with the crown.
Evil betraying French dude: Or, you know, not. Get the horse!
Film: We have now gone five minutes WITHOUT A SINGLE DEATH. MORE KILLING!
More killing ENSUES, just as Russell Robin arrives.
Russell Robin: I can tell these are French, because they're killing...Never mind. I can tell these people are in our film, because they're killing.
Film: WE'VE GONE 30 SECONDS WITHOUT ANYONE DYING! MOVE IT!
More people DIE. Robin of Loxley, who I forgot to mention earlier, but it doesn't matter, GASPS for breath on the ground.
Robin of Loxley: Wait! I wanna die all cool looking like Boromir!
Russell Robin helpfully HANDS Robin of Loxley a sword instead of making sure his men are ok.
Robin of Loxley: I shall now pause the killing for just a moment to give you all a nice genealogy lesson. Also, to tell you that I disobeyed my father and now I'm dead.
Russell Robin: I was abandoned when I was six, but, you know, I'm alive. Not entirely sure what we're saying here about fatherhood.
Robin of Loxley: Don't let me die without conveniently leading you to a nice map and the king's crown!
Russell Robin: Ok, here's the plan. Sure, we look like common archers and we know kinda zilch about courtly behavior, but, we're really no different than knights, as long as we steal their armor, swords and horses. Yay us!
Marion: Time for church! Also, I'm praying for Christian charity.
Priest: Good luck with that! We'll be taking away the last of your grain now. Also, here's Friar Tuck!
Tuck: And here are my bees, which are not at all foreshadowing anything whatsoever. Really.
Russell Robin, to some kindly people WAITING at the French shore with a BOAT: Hi! The king's dead. I'm a knight.
King's dudes: Sure, we'll buy this without any investigation whatsoever.
Robin's men: We shall now confuse the historical timeline still further by singing an…Irish drinking song?
Alan Doyle, lead singer/songwriter for Great Big Sea: Trust me, there's a reason for this. Not a historical reason, but a nicely commercial reason. Did you notice that I'm in the film, as, ha ha, Alan a Dale? I barely did too. And inexplicably, a brief check of iTunes and Amazon shows that my songs aren't even on the soundtrack. This sucks. Good thing I have a backup career.* Go buy my stuff!
Russell Robin: Whoa! This was the sword that killed my father! I think. It's not ENTIRELY CLEAR.
Film: Before you ask, yes, our cinematographer really likes grey. That, or he's not drinking enough or getting enough chocolate.
Russell Robin and his Merry Men APPROACH the CGI Tower of London properly accompanied by CGI boats.
Merry Men: Er, what if Robin of Loxley, the man you, Russell Robin, are trying to impersonate, is, you know, known at court or something?
Russell Robin: It will provide further proof that we aren't great planners.
Royal Court comes to GREET the king. Russell Robin EMERGES with THE CROWN wrapped in a nice blanket.
Extra to Evil Plotting Guy, Godfrey: King Richard's here!
Godfrey: Yay! Plot's back on! But, wait, I thought he was dead?
Godfrey gets a BETTER LOOK: No, he's dead.
Eleanor: Oh well. Hi, King John!
John: I shall now take this sad moment to give a nice little lecture about the importance of paying taxes on time.
Russell Robin: Just to be clear, you're explaining that the man that I am pretending is my father is a killer and a tax evader, and, um, you're sleeping with the French girl, and –
Godfrey: I know. It really puts my supposedly complicated Evil Plot into perspective, doesn't it?
William Hurt: I deserve much better than this role, but, hi, Russell Robin. I'm your father's old friend, which is why it's kinda inexplicable that I can't tell that you aren't really his son. I'm coming for a visit.
Godfrey: Well, ok, now I'm all suspicious. Kill Russell Robin!
Film: Thank god! We've gone an entire TEN MINUTES without a SINGLE DEATH.
Godfrey: Not now.
Film SULKS and turns even MORE GREY.
Matthew Macfadyen: Hi! You might remember me from such meaty, romantic roles as Mr. Darcy just a few years ago. Now I am playing the greasy unloved Sheriff of Nottingham in a very small role. And some people say Hollywood and fame aren't fickle.
Max Von Sydow: You think YOU'VE got problems. When American audiences were first introduced to me, they got to see a knight playing chess with death. Now…well, actually, it's more me playing with my career death, so not so far off, really.
Marion: I'd pay the taxes – well, ok, I wouldn't. But, that's not why I'm not paying them. We're poor and I can't tell you what's worth: the sheriff or the bishop. Also, my husband is coming home.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Or he's in a brothel.
Marion: Well, this entire conversation is a real turn on.
Alan a Dale: I've miraculously found a Renaissance lute! Go me!
Russell Robin: I have decided to give up my nice safe, but kinda ickily earned wealth and go to the real Robin's father, to avoid, I dunno, bad luck or something.
Ghostly voices, in ominous whispers: Goooooooooooooodddddd iiiiiiiidddeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa!
William Hurt: And to start off this new reign of John's with an optimistic touch, let's have a political fight!
Film: YAY, FIGHT – wait. Nobody's dying. Sulk.
John: You people OWE ME money! I don't care if I'm oppressive and you're poor! I'm like the medieval Goldman Sacks!
Godfrey: Plus, everyone knows that loyalty stands for brutal tax collection.
John: Richard was an imbecile! Let me tell you just how much he sucked.
Eleanor SLAPS John.
John: That slap has made me so mad, I shall…fire William Hurt.
William Hurt and Godfrey engage in MUTUAL THREATENING.
Godfrey: I'm so glad I picked up this nice big black cloak to add to my EVIL LOOK.
Film, clearly BORED with the politics, inexplicably SWITCHES to more images of ORPHAN CHILDREN running wildly through the woods instead of, not to pick something at random, VIOLENCE.
Robin's men: Er, of all the places we had to stop, we chose right next to the beehives?
Tuck: Bees make mead! Also, these bees are in no way foreshadowing anything whatsoever!
Marion: Have you come here about the tax?
Russell Robin: No, just came to tell him that Death got bored of the chess game and went to go pick up his son instead.
Marion: Well, since he was kinda my husband, that effectively ends the romantic banter. Don't tell him his son is dead. It will kill him.
Max Van Sydow: I already told you, I PLAYED CHESS WITH DEATH. I'm cool with this, although I kinda need him to take a bath.
Russell Robin: Er, I'm all for the bath, but I can't possibly take one without Marion's sexy assistance with my chain mail, forcing her to see my naked chest in all its glory.
Marion: The romantic dialogue of this film needs some serious work.
Max Von Sydow: I'm so cool with this, I'm even going to ask Russell Robin to pretend to be my son and your pretend husband.
Everyone in Nottingham: Well, as long as we can party.
Film interrupts this scintillating dialogue with some INVADING BOATS, a BIRD, and a VERY CUTE DOG.
Marion: We shall be sharing a room to INCREASE the DECEPTION. Also, if you touch me, I shall sever your manhood.
Russell Robin: About that romantic dialogue problem…
William Hurt: Oooh, French invaders. This could be tricky. As in, it could make it even harder to follow the plot.
Russell Robin: I shall now pepper the town of Nottingham with my surprisingly liberal political commentary that inexplicably no one will find at all odd coming from the supposed elite! Hi, my Merry Men. Pretend I'm a knight.
Merry Men: We've just gotten laid, so, sure.
Russell Robin: Hi, Tuck! Let me threaten you with bee knowledge!
Tuck: Always happy to do a little outlawing when forced to by blackmail.
Merry Man: NONE SHALL PASS.
Monty Python: What. Wait –
Russell Robin and his Merry Men ROB the church soldiers and RETURN the grain to Nottingham, cruelly forcing EVERYONE to WORK in the RAIN.
Northern Baron: We've paid WAY too many taxes, so, so now we're broke.
Film: You think YOU have problems. For crying out loud, it's been a full ten minutes where NO ONE HAS DIED! MORE KILLING!
MORE KILLING, as EXTRAS VIOLENTLY DIE EVERYWHERE. Villages across England GO UP IN FLAMES.
Priests in York: Quick, hide the gold!
Film: NOT VIOLENT ENOUGH! DIE!
Priest DIES.
William Hurt: Not to, you know, interrupt the killing spree or anything, but, Philip's plotting and the French are invading, as you might remember from several scenes back.
Eleanor: What shall we do? Walking in on my son while he was having sex didn't accomplish much, and this film will not let us PAUSE THE VIOLENCE for long! I know, I shall talk to the French chick and appeal to her good side. Well. To her ambitious side.
Isabella: Even though I hate your guts, and I'm French, and should be all about this conquering thing, I'll, um, tell John.
John: Because I've been so mature so far, I'll continue the trend by reacting badly to this.
Isabella: I am inexplicably turned on. Let's have sex!
Russell Robin: Time for a bad, bad, pun about nights and knights that will undoubtedly end up as a memorable quote on IMDB.
John: I have finally realized that my friend Godfrey kinda sucks, what with the burning his way through England and betraying me to France and all that, so, hi William Hurt!
William Hurt: Let me appeal to your reasonable nature and ask you to unite the barons behind you! Be kind and gentle.
John: It's not just that I don't have a reasonable nature, but, and I hate to have to point this out, the barons are kinda PLOTTING MY DEATH.
Godfrey: Ok, I'm off to Nottingham to kill Russell Robin.
Russell Robin and Marion: But not before we have our Slow, Meaningful Dance.
Orphan kids: We shall show up again just to remind you we're here. Not that we're foreshadowing a scene that will get mostly cut from the final edit or anything.
Mice: Food! Yum!
Entire medieval period: LOOK, our sanitation wasn't THAT bad. We KEPT CATS FOR A REASON.
Max Von Sydow: Russell Robin, your father was a stonemason with surprisingly dangerous ideas. A revolutionary! He came up with the Magna Carta and was TRAGICALLY EXECUTED.
Random Messenger: This is all very nice, but, not only are the French still invading, NO ONE HAS DIED FOR A FULL TEN MINUTES. We NEED TO FOCUS.
Marion: I think I'm in love with you, but, you know, I'll just stand by this window instead of, you know, saying something.
William Hurt: I have news! Godfrey is, in fact, an Evil French Dude!
Barons: Not really news. Also, and to be entirely fair to the Evil Dude, he wasn't the one who started this.
John: No, really, this is Godfrey's fault. You guys are just whining because you want the crown.
Russell Robin: In an astonishing coincidence, you people are meeting RIGHT where my father DIED and LEFT his inspiring MESSAGE CARVED IN STONE. Let me TURN OVER THIS ROCK. SEE?
Merry Men: Not really. Maybe your father should have worked a bit on his campaign strategy.
John: Kings don't bargain!
Shopkeepers: We're open! At least for your business!
Russell Robin: I'm here to speak for Locksley! In tyranny lies failure! We would know!
Augustus Caesar: Hey!
Russell Robin: A truly great king would sign a charter guaranteeing civil rights!
Augustus Caesar: I feel SO INSULTED here.
John: Would you have a castle for every man?
Russell Robin: Every Englishman's home is his castle! [Real dialogue]
American audience GROANS.
John: Well, given that I kinda need you to fight off a French invasion, sure, a charter it is!
Barons: Even though you've shown absolutely no judgement so far, we'll go with your sudden change of heart.
Film: Good! Enough dialogue! MORE KILLING!
Obedient to the needs of the film, Nottingham is inflicted with MORE KILLING.
Tuck: Ooops! I'll hide myself in the church.
French dudes: Not to be all judgemental or anything, but this a seriously obvious hiding place for mead.
Sheriff: Hey, you can't kill me! I'm French!
French dudes: Burn his house first.
Sheriff: Man, my role in this film sucks.
Max Von Sydow: My son Robin's not exactly here.
Godfrey: True, because I'm the one who killed him.
Max von Sydow: I shall ignore the fact that I'm blind and start fighting you.
More VIOLENT DEATHS fill the screen. Orphans choose this convenient time to RETURN. Tuck THROWS the BEES in with the FRENCH DUDES, showing that the BEES can be weapons.
Bees: Not that that was foreshadowed or ANYTHING.
Other Evil Dude: Since killing, pillaging and burning hasn't made me evil enough yet, let me try the rape and burning people alive combo. I hear that's always popular.
Marion KILLS her rapist. Unfortunately, several EXTRAS REMAIN on FIRE or CHOKING on SMOKE. The SUDDENLY HELPFUL orphans help Marion pull babies that look SUSPICIOUSLY DOLL LIKE from the smoke filled building as a SOMEWHAT TARDY Russell Robin finally GALLOPS to the rescue.
Film: Oh, dear. The presence of Russell Robin might stop the killing. Quick, make up for this by MORE KILLING!
Film kills off STILL MORE EXTRAS, who head off for some beer. Marion RESCUES choking smoke inhalation victims who do not get to leave the set for beer quite yet.
Villagers: Well, we saved the village, but Max Von Sydow is dead. Hmm. For dramatic effect, let's BURN him instead of burying him, since it's not like anyone would have recent traumas related to fire or anything.
Marion: Once before I dramatically said good bye to a man as he went off to war and HE NEVER CAME BACK. Not sure how to handle this one!
Russell Robin: Ask me nicely.
Russell Robin and Marion KISS.
Russell Robin: Tempting, but, let's face it, this film is much better at the killing than sex. Off to war I go!
Philip the French King: Remember me? I'm still here, invading in what must be the longest invasion of England, like, ever. In retrospect, I should have remembered that English Channel crossings make me seasick.
To prepare us for all of the UPCOMING KILLING, the film INTERSPERSES lovely shots of the peaceful and RATHER GREY English landscape.
Audience: We're prepared! On to the killing!
John: This is my first war, so, I'll lead.
Russell Robin and William Hurt: Since your leadership has been stunningly effective so far, sure!
Film: Ok, it's been a full seven minutes WITHOUT DEATHS. Enough dialogue! MORE KILLING!
French soldiers OBLIGINGLY DROWN as they ATTEMPT TO LAND at Dover in CGI boats.
French: In retrospect, this may not have been the best of landing spots. That, or we should have tried this in actual boats.
Arrows FALL, conveniently MISSING the most EVIL GUYS. Marion shows up in chain mail, leading YOUNG UNARMORED ORPHANS into battle. No one CALLS her on this. Extras DIE everywhere, polluting the nice, once clean, and absolutely blameless English Channel. BP executives cheer. More FAKE BOATS bobble on the water.
French king: Hmm. The English forces are remarkably unified given those purported civil war conditions. Hmm. Maybe they, too, were confused by all the plotting.
John: We need to get closer to the battle! Richard would have!
William Hurt: Yes, but look what happened to him!
John: Point, but we haven't had an extra DIE TRAGICALLY for nearly THIRTY SECONDS! More killing!
Extras OBLIGINGLY cough up blood and LET ARROWS pierce them. Marion, not content with this level of violence, ATTACKS Godfrey in the WATER, forgetting that she has CHAIN MAIL on and will therefore SINK. Russell Robin CHARGES to her rescue since he has really had NO REASON to go after the BAD GUY before this.
Russell Robin: Marion's kinda dead! Let me mourn by shooting an arrow, which has fortunately been equipped with a SMALL CAMERA so we can watch it SPEED to the bad guy in APPROPRIATE SLOW MOTION and KILL HIM. Oh, Marion. Although the best thing I could do for you is TAKE YOU OUT OF THE WATER so you will STOP DROWNING, I shall instead implausibly hold your body, laden with water and HEAVY CHAIN MAIL, over the bloody water and KISS YOU.
William Hurt: Hey, the French are surrendering to Russell Robin!
John: Awesome! Er. Wait!
Russell Robin: STILL SULKING over here! Give me a moment.
Philip: I'll just, um, flee then, and live to strengthen France in a historically accurate manner after the movie.
John: So, I know I said I'd sign the Magna Carta and everything, but, in an unsurprising move, I'm just going to burn it instead, because, well, I'm a changeable guy like that. Also, I'm naming Russell Robin an outlaw because he's all popular and stuff and, well, let's face it, if this movie has taught us anything, it's that I don't learn quickly.
Sheriff: Hey, remember me? I've reappeared in the film to announce, again, that Robin Hood is an outlaw. Look, I'll prove it by nailing this outlaw proclamation to a tree. Except, gulp, I am so incompetent that I FORGOT THE NAIL.
Russell Robin ARROWS the proclamation to the tree, creating an ACTUAL Robin Hood moment after only two and a half hours.
Audience: YAY! It only took two and half hours for us to reach an ACTUAL Robin Hood moment! Is this a film record?**
Russell Robin: Although I have been espousing a strongly libertarian, anti-tax philosophy throughout this film, I shall end it by embracing a communist society and setting up a hippie commune! Life is good. Well, ok. The mead is good.
*The soundtrack is not remotely historically accurate, featuring, as it does, several instruments not available in the time period, but if you ignore that, and let's face it, pretty much all medieval soundtracks do, this is actually pretty good and definitely one of the highlights from the film; I'm just not sure why, having thrown Irish (or, well, to be accurate, Canadian in some cases) drinking songs into the movie in the first place, they were left out of the soundtrack. I assume Great Big Sea will be recording them elsewhere.]
** I'm thinking yes.
Anyway, my father loved the film, my brother liked the film, and I, of course, felt the need to snark the film.
Film BEGINS with a trailer for the next TWILIGHT film. The audience CRIES as my father and brother BLINK in puzzlement. We LEARN that my father still labors under the comforting delusion that vampires never come out during the day, clouds or no clouds, and do not sparkle. Relief FILLS the room as we realize that SOME PEOPLE remain safe.
Er. Ok. I lied. Film ACTUALLY OPENS by announcing "The outlaw takes his place in history," cheerfully ignoring the REALITY that most outlaws are SENT to prison or SHOT. To further emphasize its fantastic features, film SHOWS us what are PROBABLY small children in wolf masks happily SETTING FIRE to things, although it is DIFFICULT to tell.
Marion: Because the lighting here is so terrible, I shall release a flying flaming arrow that will at least let the audience SEE what is going on. Also, this will ADD to the fires, which is always a plus.
Knight: Ok, one more castle to sack, and then, we're off to England.
Richard: Clearly, I do not think this is much of an incentive.
Film: Too bad. We're about ten minutes into this film and no one has died yet. MORE KILLING!
More killing ENSUES. Various EXTRAS die HORRIBLE DEATHS in a nicely CONFUSING battle montage. The English BURN the castle gate.
Film: We've had a full three minutes without a single death! MORE KILLING!
More killing ensues. Various EXTRAS die HORRIBLE DEATHS in the fire.
Tower of London: Hi! I am unexpectedly muddy, but let's all just admire the way my CGI towers soar, soar into the grey skies, as we kinda wonder why on earth, with this movie's huge budget, no one thought of filming me on location with another castle to fill in.
Eleanor of Aquitaine: Because pretty much all movies require me to be a total bitch, I shall insult my daughter in law and walk in on my naked son while he's all nekkid with a French princess. I shall then cover the girl's head with a nice cloth, because, as we all know, covering girls' heads with nice cloths means that they are no longer in my presence. We will all be sort of sorry that I explained this out loud.
John: Er! Awkward moment, Mom! Anyway, I'm just bedding this girl out of politics. Really. And geography. Really, really.
Russell Robin: Ok, I'm kinda cheating my fellow soldiers in a shell game, but, I'm the honest guy of the film. Seriously.
Little John: Hey, I'm one of the real bad guys from Lost. TRY ME.
Richard the Lionhearted: Ok, ok, I'll go back home to lock up my brother and all that, since it seems to be my duty. But first, since I am apparently under the impression that I am actually in a production of Henry V, I shall don a nice cloak and walk through my men in a nicely anonymous hooded fashion.
Film: Crap! We've gone a whole FIVE MINUTES without VIOLENCE! START FIGHTING!
Russell Robin, Little John and VARIOUS EXTRAS START FIGHTING.
Richard the Lionhearted: This sort of thing never happened to Henry V. No wonder he gave better speeches. Are any of you honest?
Russell Robin: Well, this entire fight started from me trying to cheat my fellow comrades in a shell game, but, um, sure! The massacre at Acre was a pretty bad thing.
Various GHOSTS howl in the soundtrack, as if to PROVE Russell Robin's point.
Richard the Lionhearted: Right! Your honesty shows that you are a TRUE Englishman! Now I shall put you in the stocks for insulting me. Good to be king!
Philip Augustus: Hi! I'm intriguing with people, because I'm French! But in kindness to the audience and the growing film budget, after a few token French words I shall intrigue in English with a nice French accent to SAVE on SUBTITLES. Also, in just a few minutes in this film, I have learned that Richard puts people in stocks and thinks he's Henry V, and John has a lot of sex with the wrong people, so, clearly, my best move is to assassinate Richard so I can invade England and defeat John! We can all easily understand why history has remembered me as a wise and wily king responsible for expanding French territory and bringing economic prosperity and a rising middle class to France! Here, have an oyster with my blood on it.
Evil betraying dude: Well, that's better than the soup in the next scene, so, sure! Plus, you know, kingly blood is a great flavor.
Film: MORE VIOLENCE!
MORE VIOLENCE! Extras DIE EVERYWHERE. Richard the Lionhearted is VIOLENTLY attacked and DIES from a lack of MEDICAL INSURANCE. (Not snark!)
Boy: I shall conveniently see the death of Richard just in time to warn Russell Robin.
Russell Robin: Well, since I've been stuck here in the stocks, and I'm gathering that I can't get paid by a dead man, I'll be off then.
Film: WE NEED MORE FIGHTING AND VIOLENCE!
More fighting and violence ensues.
Evil betraying French dude: Yay, Richard is already dead! Well, that makes this plotting MUCH easier. As long as we get his crown –
A HORSE takes this moment to RUN AWAY with the crown.
Evil betraying French dude: Or, you know, not. Get the horse!
Film: We have now gone five minutes WITHOUT A SINGLE DEATH. MORE KILLING!
More killing ENSUES, just as Russell Robin arrives.
Russell Robin: I can tell these are French, because they're killing...Never mind. I can tell these people are in our film, because they're killing.
Film: WE'VE GONE 30 SECONDS WITHOUT ANYONE DYING! MOVE IT!
More people DIE. Robin of Loxley, who I forgot to mention earlier, but it doesn't matter, GASPS for breath on the ground.
Robin of Loxley: Wait! I wanna die all cool looking like Boromir!
Russell Robin helpfully HANDS Robin of Loxley a sword instead of making sure his men are ok.
Robin of Loxley: I shall now pause the killing for just a moment to give you all a nice genealogy lesson. Also, to tell you that I disobeyed my father and now I'm dead.
Russell Robin: I was abandoned when I was six, but, you know, I'm alive. Not entirely sure what we're saying here about fatherhood.
Robin of Loxley: Don't let me die without conveniently leading you to a nice map and the king's crown!
Russell Robin: Ok, here's the plan. Sure, we look like common archers and we know kinda zilch about courtly behavior, but, we're really no different than knights, as long as we steal their armor, swords and horses. Yay us!
Marion: Time for church! Also, I'm praying for Christian charity.
Priest: Good luck with that! We'll be taking away the last of your grain now. Also, here's Friar Tuck!
Tuck: And here are my bees, which are not at all foreshadowing anything whatsoever. Really.
Russell Robin, to some kindly people WAITING at the French shore with a BOAT: Hi! The king's dead. I'm a knight.
King's dudes: Sure, we'll buy this without any investigation whatsoever.
Robin's men: We shall now confuse the historical timeline still further by singing an…Irish drinking song?
Alan Doyle, lead singer/songwriter for Great Big Sea: Trust me, there's a reason for this. Not a historical reason, but a nicely commercial reason. Did you notice that I'm in the film, as, ha ha, Alan a Dale? I barely did too. And inexplicably, a brief check of iTunes and Amazon shows that my songs aren't even on the soundtrack. This sucks. Good thing I have a backup career.* Go buy my stuff!
Russell Robin: Whoa! This was the sword that killed my father! I think. It's not ENTIRELY CLEAR.
Film: Before you ask, yes, our cinematographer really likes grey. That, or he's not drinking enough or getting enough chocolate.
Russell Robin and his Merry Men APPROACH the CGI Tower of London properly accompanied by CGI boats.
Merry Men: Er, what if Robin of Loxley, the man you, Russell Robin, are trying to impersonate, is, you know, known at court or something?
Russell Robin: It will provide further proof that we aren't great planners.
Royal Court comes to GREET the king. Russell Robin EMERGES with THE CROWN wrapped in a nice blanket.
Extra to Evil Plotting Guy, Godfrey: King Richard's here!
Godfrey: Yay! Plot's back on! But, wait, I thought he was dead?
Godfrey gets a BETTER LOOK: No, he's dead.
Eleanor: Oh well. Hi, King John!
John: I shall now take this sad moment to give a nice little lecture about the importance of paying taxes on time.
Russell Robin: Just to be clear, you're explaining that the man that I am pretending is my father is a killer and a tax evader, and, um, you're sleeping with the French girl, and –
Godfrey: I know. It really puts my supposedly complicated Evil Plot into perspective, doesn't it?
William Hurt: I deserve much better than this role, but, hi, Russell Robin. I'm your father's old friend, which is why it's kinda inexplicable that I can't tell that you aren't really his son. I'm coming for a visit.
Godfrey: Well, ok, now I'm all suspicious. Kill Russell Robin!
Film: Thank god! We've gone an entire TEN MINUTES without a SINGLE DEATH.
Godfrey: Not now.
Film SULKS and turns even MORE GREY.
Matthew Macfadyen: Hi! You might remember me from such meaty, romantic roles as Mr. Darcy just a few years ago. Now I am playing the greasy unloved Sheriff of Nottingham in a very small role. And some people say Hollywood and fame aren't fickle.
Max Von Sydow: You think YOU'VE got problems. When American audiences were first introduced to me, they got to see a knight playing chess with death. Now…well, actually, it's more me playing with my career death, so not so far off, really.
Marion: I'd pay the taxes – well, ok, I wouldn't. But, that's not why I'm not paying them. We're poor and I can't tell you what's worth: the sheriff or the bishop. Also, my husband is coming home.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Or he's in a brothel.
Marion: Well, this entire conversation is a real turn on.
Alan a Dale: I've miraculously found a Renaissance lute! Go me!
Russell Robin: I have decided to give up my nice safe, but kinda ickily earned wealth and go to the real Robin's father, to avoid, I dunno, bad luck or something.
Ghostly voices, in ominous whispers: Goooooooooooooodddddd iiiiiiiidddeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa!
William Hurt: And to start off this new reign of John's with an optimistic touch, let's have a political fight!
Film: YAY, FIGHT – wait. Nobody's dying. Sulk.
John: You people OWE ME money! I don't care if I'm oppressive and you're poor! I'm like the medieval Goldman Sacks!
Godfrey: Plus, everyone knows that loyalty stands for brutal tax collection.
John: Richard was an imbecile! Let me tell you just how much he sucked.
Eleanor SLAPS John.
John: That slap has made me so mad, I shall…fire William Hurt.
William Hurt and Godfrey engage in MUTUAL THREATENING.
Godfrey: I'm so glad I picked up this nice big black cloak to add to my EVIL LOOK.
Film, clearly BORED with the politics, inexplicably SWITCHES to more images of ORPHAN CHILDREN running wildly through the woods instead of, not to pick something at random, VIOLENCE.
Robin's men: Er, of all the places we had to stop, we chose right next to the beehives?
Tuck: Bees make mead! Also, these bees are in no way foreshadowing anything whatsoever!
Marion: Have you come here about the tax?
Russell Robin: No, just came to tell him that Death got bored of the chess game and went to go pick up his son instead.
Marion: Well, since he was kinda my husband, that effectively ends the romantic banter. Don't tell him his son is dead. It will kill him.
Max Van Sydow: I already told you, I PLAYED CHESS WITH DEATH. I'm cool with this, although I kinda need him to take a bath.
Russell Robin: Er, I'm all for the bath, but I can't possibly take one without Marion's sexy assistance with my chain mail, forcing her to see my naked chest in all its glory.
Marion: The romantic dialogue of this film needs some serious work.
Max Von Sydow: I'm so cool with this, I'm even going to ask Russell Robin to pretend to be my son and your pretend husband.
Everyone in Nottingham: Well, as long as we can party.
Film interrupts this scintillating dialogue with some INVADING BOATS, a BIRD, and a VERY CUTE DOG.
Marion: We shall be sharing a room to INCREASE the DECEPTION. Also, if you touch me, I shall sever your manhood.
Russell Robin: About that romantic dialogue problem…
William Hurt: Oooh, French invaders. This could be tricky. As in, it could make it even harder to follow the plot.
Russell Robin: I shall now pepper the town of Nottingham with my surprisingly liberal political commentary that inexplicably no one will find at all odd coming from the supposed elite! Hi, my Merry Men. Pretend I'm a knight.
Merry Men: We've just gotten laid, so, sure.
Russell Robin: Hi, Tuck! Let me threaten you with bee knowledge!
Tuck: Always happy to do a little outlawing when forced to by blackmail.
Merry Man: NONE SHALL PASS.
Monty Python: What. Wait –
Russell Robin and his Merry Men ROB the church soldiers and RETURN the grain to Nottingham, cruelly forcing EVERYONE to WORK in the RAIN.
Northern Baron: We've paid WAY too many taxes, so, so now we're broke.
Film: You think YOU have problems. For crying out loud, it's been a full ten minutes where NO ONE HAS DIED! MORE KILLING!
MORE KILLING, as EXTRAS VIOLENTLY DIE EVERYWHERE. Villages across England GO UP IN FLAMES.
Priests in York: Quick, hide the gold!
Film: NOT VIOLENT ENOUGH! DIE!
Priest DIES.
William Hurt: Not to, you know, interrupt the killing spree or anything, but, Philip's plotting and the French are invading, as you might remember from several scenes back.
Eleanor: What shall we do? Walking in on my son while he was having sex didn't accomplish much, and this film will not let us PAUSE THE VIOLENCE for long! I know, I shall talk to the French chick and appeal to her good side. Well. To her ambitious side.
Isabella: Even though I hate your guts, and I'm French, and should be all about this conquering thing, I'll, um, tell John.
John: Because I've been so mature so far, I'll continue the trend by reacting badly to this.
Isabella: I am inexplicably turned on. Let's have sex!
Russell Robin: Time for a bad, bad, pun about nights and knights that will undoubtedly end up as a memorable quote on IMDB.
John: I have finally realized that my friend Godfrey kinda sucks, what with the burning his way through England and betraying me to France and all that, so, hi William Hurt!
William Hurt: Let me appeal to your reasonable nature and ask you to unite the barons behind you! Be kind and gentle.
John: It's not just that I don't have a reasonable nature, but, and I hate to have to point this out, the barons are kinda PLOTTING MY DEATH.
Godfrey: Ok, I'm off to Nottingham to kill Russell Robin.
Russell Robin and Marion: But not before we have our Slow, Meaningful Dance.
Orphan kids: We shall show up again just to remind you we're here. Not that we're foreshadowing a scene that will get mostly cut from the final edit or anything.
Mice: Food! Yum!
Entire medieval period: LOOK, our sanitation wasn't THAT bad. We KEPT CATS FOR A REASON.
Max Von Sydow: Russell Robin, your father was a stonemason with surprisingly dangerous ideas. A revolutionary! He came up with the Magna Carta and was TRAGICALLY EXECUTED.
Random Messenger: This is all very nice, but, not only are the French still invading, NO ONE HAS DIED FOR A FULL TEN MINUTES. We NEED TO FOCUS.
Marion: I think I'm in love with you, but, you know, I'll just stand by this window instead of, you know, saying something.
William Hurt: I have news! Godfrey is, in fact, an Evil French Dude!
Barons: Not really news. Also, and to be entirely fair to the Evil Dude, he wasn't the one who started this.
John: No, really, this is Godfrey's fault. You guys are just whining because you want the crown.
Russell Robin: In an astonishing coincidence, you people are meeting RIGHT where my father DIED and LEFT his inspiring MESSAGE CARVED IN STONE. Let me TURN OVER THIS ROCK. SEE?
Merry Men: Not really. Maybe your father should have worked a bit on his campaign strategy.
John: Kings don't bargain!
Shopkeepers: We're open! At least for your business!
Russell Robin: I'm here to speak for Locksley! In tyranny lies failure! We would know!
Augustus Caesar: Hey!
Russell Robin: A truly great king would sign a charter guaranteeing civil rights!
Augustus Caesar: I feel SO INSULTED here.
John: Would you have a castle for every man?
Russell Robin: Every Englishman's home is his castle! [Real dialogue]
American audience GROANS.
John: Well, given that I kinda need you to fight off a French invasion, sure, a charter it is!
Barons: Even though you've shown absolutely no judgement so far, we'll go with your sudden change of heart.
Film: Good! Enough dialogue! MORE KILLING!
Obedient to the needs of the film, Nottingham is inflicted with MORE KILLING.
Tuck: Ooops! I'll hide myself in the church.
French dudes: Not to be all judgemental or anything, but this a seriously obvious hiding place for mead.
Sheriff: Hey, you can't kill me! I'm French!
French dudes: Burn his house first.
Sheriff: Man, my role in this film sucks.
Max Von Sydow: My son Robin's not exactly here.
Godfrey: True, because I'm the one who killed him.
Max von Sydow: I shall ignore the fact that I'm blind and start fighting you.
More VIOLENT DEATHS fill the screen. Orphans choose this convenient time to RETURN. Tuck THROWS the BEES in with the FRENCH DUDES, showing that the BEES can be weapons.
Bees: Not that that was foreshadowed or ANYTHING.
Other Evil Dude: Since killing, pillaging and burning hasn't made me evil enough yet, let me try the rape and burning people alive combo. I hear that's always popular.
Marion KILLS her rapist. Unfortunately, several EXTRAS REMAIN on FIRE or CHOKING on SMOKE. The SUDDENLY HELPFUL orphans help Marion pull babies that look SUSPICIOUSLY DOLL LIKE from the smoke filled building as a SOMEWHAT TARDY Russell Robin finally GALLOPS to the rescue.
Film: Oh, dear. The presence of Russell Robin might stop the killing. Quick, make up for this by MORE KILLING!
Film kills off STILL MORE EXTRAS, who head off for some beer. Marion RESCUES choking smoke inhalation victims who do not get to leave the set for beer quite yet.
Villagers: Well, we saved the village, but Max Von Sydow is dead. Hmm. For dramatic effect, let's BURN him instead of burying him, since it's not like anyone would have recent traumas related to fire or anything.
Marion: Once before I dramatically said good bye to a man as he went off to war and HE NEVER CAME BACK. Not sure how to handle this one!
Russell Robin: Ask me nicely.
Russell Robin and Marion KISS.
Russell Robin: Tempting, but, let's face it, this film is much better at the killing than sex. Off to war I go!
Philip the French King: Remember me? I'm still here, invading in what must be the longest invasion of England, like, ever. In retrospect, I should have remembered that English Channel crossings make me seasick.
To prepare us for all of the UPCOMING KILLING, the film INTERSPERSES lovely shots of the peaceful and RATHER GREY English landscape.
Audience: We're prepared! On to the killing!
John: This is my first war, so, I'll lead.
Russell Robin and William Hurt: Since your leadership has been stunningly effective so far, sure!
Film: Ok, it's been a full seven minutes WITHOUT DEATHS. Enough dialogue! MORE KILLING!
French soldiers OBLIGINGLY DROWN as they ATTEMPT TO LAND at Dover in CGI boats.
French: In retrospect, this may not have been the best of landing spots. That, or we should have tried this in actual boats.
Arrows FALL, conveniently MISSING the most EVIL GUYS. Marion shows up in chain mail, leading YOUNG UNARMORED ORPHANS into battle. No one CALLS her on this. Extras DIE everywhere, polluting the nice, once clean, and absolutely blameless English Channel. BP executives cheer. More FAKE BOATS bobble on the water.
French king: Hmm. The English forces are remarkably unified given those purported civil war conditions. Hmm. Maybe they, too, were confused by all the plotting.
John: We need to get closer to the battle! Richard would have!
William Hurt: Yes, but look what happened to him!
John: Point, but we haven't had an extra DIE TRAGICALLY for nearly THIRTY SECONDS! More killing!
Extras OBLIGINGLY cough up blood and LET ARROWS pierce them. Marion, not content with this level of violence, ATTACKS Godfrey in the WATER, forgetting that she has CHAIN MAIL on and will therefore SINK. Russell Robin CHARGES to her rescue since he has really had NO REASON to go after the BAD GUY before this.
Russell Robin: Marion's kinda dead! Let me mourn by shooting an arrow, which has fortunately been equipped with a SMALL CAMERA so we can watch it SPEED to the bad guy in APPROPRIATE SLOW MOTION and KILL HIM. Oh, Marion. Although the best thing I could do for you is TAKE YOU OUT OF THE WATER so you will STOP DROWNING, I shall instead implausibly hold your body, laden with water and HEAVY CHAIN MAIL, over the bloody water and KISS YOU.
William Hurt: Hey, the French are surrendering to Russell Robin!
John: Awesome! Er. Wait!
Russell Robin: STILL SULKING over here! Give me a moment.
Philip: I'll just, um, flee then, and live to strengthen France in a historically accurate manner after the movie.
John: So, I know I said I'd sign the Magna Carta and everything, but, in an unsurprising move, I'm just going to burn it instead, because, well, I'm a changeable guy like that. Also, I'm naming Russell Robin an outlaw because he's all popular and stuff and, well, let's face it, if this movie has taught us anything, it's that I don't learn quickly.
Sheriff: Hey, remember me? I've reappeared in the film to announce, again, that Robin Hood is an outlaw. Look, I'll prove it by nailing this outlaw proclamation to a tree. Except, gulp, I am so incompetent that I FORGOT THE NAIL.
Russell Robin ARROWS the proclamation to the tree, creating an ACTUAL Robin Hood moment after only two and a half hours.
Audience: YAY! It only took two and half hours for us to reach an ACTUAL Robin Hood moment! Is this a film record?**
Russell Robin: Although I have been espousing a strongly libertarian, anti-tax philosophy throughout this film, I shall end it by embracing a communist society and setting up a hippie commune! Life is good. Well, ok. The mead is good.
*The soundtrack is not remotely historically accurate, featuring, as it does, several instruments not available in the time period, but if you ignore that, and let's face it, pretty much all medieval soundtracks do, this is actually pretty good and definitely one of the highlights from the film; I'm just not sure why, having thrown Irish (or, well, to be accurate, Canadian in some cases) drinking songs into the movie in the first place, they were left out of the soundtrack. I assume Great Big Sea will be recording them elsewhere.]
** I'm thinking yes.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-22 03:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-22 03:19 pm (UTC)Or not, your choice.
I was more distracted by the clearly modern Irish-Canadian drinking songs, but I admit that may have been just me.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-22 03:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-22 03:35 pm (UTC)On the other hand, box office receipts suggest that we won't be seeing a sequel.
For what it was worth, they easily could have killed off any of the Merry Men here and no one would have noticed - the only one who made an impression was Little John and that was mostly because I recognized him from Lost.