The Eagle and the Snark
Feb. 15th, 2011 09:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessSo, The Eagle, a quasi-Roman flick with swords, muds and horses. But first, why, oh why, ARE WE TURNING JANE EYRE INTO A HORROR MOVIE? This is wrong, people, wrong. Gothic, sure. Madwomen in attics, sure. Horror, not so much.
While you're contemplating that, onto the snark.
Film OPENS with words on the screen outlining the SAD and TERRIBLE story of the Ninth Legion of the Roman Empire which DISAPPEARED up in Scotland and was NEVER EVER SEEN AGAIN. Screen REMAINS DARK to prevent people from USING THEIR iPHONES to CHECK WIKIPEDIA about this sort of thing, which is just as well because, gasp, Wikipedia claims that a Hollywood film is MAKING THIS ALL UP.* After an APPROPRIATE MOMENT, film OPENS again in a DARK SWAMP with a Roman crew. Things are VERY WET. We see some RANDOM COWS and NAKED KIDS, before switching to DRIER COWS and NO NAKED KIDS at a Roman Fort because a Roman Fort isn't the place for kiddy porn.
Marcus: Hi. I'm here to take over. I see you have some sewage problems. Also your DEFENSES SUCK which could be a real problem given all of the NAKED KIDS.
Random Roman: True though that is, what we are really interested in is gossip! So, is it true your father, like, disappeared and everything with the Roman Eagle up in Scotland forcing us to build this wall and get stuck here, and now you've decided to follow him?
Marcus: I shall avoid this question by asking pointed questions about the repairs.
Other Random Romans: We FEEL the BAD OMENS.
Marcus: Although my family honor is totally gone, I shall ask the gods to help me resurrect the family honor, and then, make weapons and play with chickens, because, chickens. Also, we are low on chicken feed. Send out a patrol!
Random Roman guy: Bad idea.
Marcus: We have got to get this film going SOMEHOW. Send out the patrol!
Glowing lights FILL the sky.
Marcus: I'm not sure, but I THINK this is suspicious.
Not at all suspicious men in admittedly suspiciously primitive clothing LEAP over the Roman wall YELLING things. Their attack is SLOWED by POOR and CONFUSING CAMERAWORK that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to tell WHAT might be going on. Things BURN UP.
Marcus: Well, that went well.
Romans: Gulp.
A large army of PRIMITIVE LOOKING PEOPLE who are apparently MEANT TO BE BRITONS comes OUT FROM THE FOREST and start yelling in surprisingly modern Scottish Gaelic, confusing me for a moment since this SOUNDS MOSTLY LIKE IRISH but ISN'T EXACTLY. The Britons CONVENIENTLY ENOUGH just HAPPEN to have SEVERAL ROMAN HOSTAGES. CURSES ensue. Britons EXECUTE a Roman right in front of everyone.
Marcus: Well, this is depressing. I shall now PUT ON ARMOR and hope NO ONE ASKS why I haven't been WEARING IT ALREADY. And then I shall CHARGE OUT OF THE GATES.
Romans: But you'll die!
Marcus: Eh. I'm the star and we're only ten minutes into the film. I feel secure.
Kept SECURE behind a WALL OF SHIELDS, Marcus and various Romans TROT OUT to the battlefield where they QUICKLY KNOCK DOWN lots of Britons and encircle the hostages.
Britons: Remind us to work on that whole armor thing.
Briton king: It's ok. I have the chariot!
Chariot RACES through the field, knocking over various Romans.
Romans: Run away!
Marcus: To establish that I am a brave character who will continue to do reckless things throughout the film, let me not run away! Ouch! Ah. Ok, let me ENJOY SOME HALLUCINATIONS.
Uncle: Hi! I'm your uncle. I'm here to provide the only jolly part of the film. Also, I live in a remarkably lovely villa. Don't ask for an explanation here.
Soldier: Well, Marcus, you nearly died, but, you get a WREATH and a MEDAL. Also, an honorable discharge.
Marcus: Crap. What am I supposed to do now?
Uncle: Well. We're supposedly in a film about Romans, and there is this little gladiator arena down the road. And maybe, if we are incredibly lucky, a Briton with MYSTERIOUS TIES to your father's death and detailed knowledge of Scotland will just happen to show up at the arena!
Marcus and his uncle HEAD to the arena, where a Briton with MYSTERIOUS TIES to Marcus' father's death just happens to be standing in the mud, facing a gladiator.
Crowd: Fight! Fight! Kill! Kill!
Briton: Eh.
Crowd: KILL KILL!
Marcus: Wait! I sense I shall need him to allow this film to continue! SAVE HIM!
Briton: Eh.
Uncle: Well, following that stirring moment, I shall introduce some drama by buying the Briton as your slave. His name is Esca.
Esca: Hi! I hate you and all Romans, and also, I am carrying a deep dark secret about your father's death, but, since you have saved my life even though I didn't want you to, I have decided that I owe you a debt of honor and must serve you for the rest of my unwanted life. Don't worry. My character motivations will only get murkier and less explicable from here. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to THROW my body over you ostensibly to hold you down during surgery but REALLY to give the audience hope that this film is going in a direction that is isn't going. And also, throw in a nice bit of pig hunting.
Roman senator and tribune: Actually, since this film hasn't really been going anywhere for some time, let's insult Marcus' family to get some action going.
Marcus: I am insulted! So, since I have nothing else to do except, you know, hang out at this lovely sunny villa, I shall take Esca up to Scotland to search for the Eagle and enjoy some more hallucinations.
Uncle: He'll slit your throat!
Marcus: Well, he promised not to kill me.
Uncle: And you believed him? Can't you tell that he has MYSTERIOUS TIES to your FATHER'S DEATH?
Marcus: No.
A confusing MAP in both LATIN AND ENGLISH spreads OVER THE SCREEN as Marcus and Esca HEAD TO HADRIAN'S WALL.
Romans: Even though it's been established that Marcus is a hero and everything to us here on the wall, we shall inexplicably not recognize him and make fun of him. Also, this whole Scotland thing is such a terrible idea that we shall SPIT on you for it.
Esca: Even though it's been established that I am from southern Britain, and therefore should have no knowledge of anything in Scotland whatsoever, I inexplicably speak perfect modern Gaelic just like everyone else in Scotland. Not, um, that I know anything about your father's MYSTERIOUS DEATH. Promise. Well. Not very hard.
Marcus and Esca encounter some HANGING BODIES.
Scottish Tourist Board: We would like to assure potential tourists that this sort of thing is rare.
Esca: So, um, Marcus. You're hunting for your father, of whom, I assure you, I know absolutely nothing?
Marcus: Yes. And also for this Eagle. Let me explain. Rome is, you know, the awesomeness thing, like EVER.
Audience FALLS ASLEEP.
Esca: Since we're in such a cheery mood, my family is dead. My father killed my mother to keep Roman legionnaires from raping her. Romans did that.
Film: To prevent the audience from TURNING SUICIDAL, we shall now show some PRETTY CINEMATOGRAPHY.
Marcus: All of this scenery is giving me a terrible fever.
Rain FALLS.
Scottish Tourist Board: No need to be accurate.
Marcus and Esca stop for a snack.
Esca: Marcus, you won't believe this, but there's some guys hiding in the trees who instead of launching a surprise attack, have kindly waited to attack until I've seen them. Get ready.
Proving a point that I will be making in an upcoming Tor.com post, attackers USE BOWS AND ARROWS. Another CONFUSING FIGHT ensues. Esca HESITATES before killing a young attacker who was RUNNING AWAY but Marcus KILLS THE KID ANYWAY.
Marcus: And, as a further show of my EVEN TEMPER and GOOD JUDGEMENT, I will ATTACK Esca as he is QUESTIONING this Scots dude because I have HAD IT with the REALISTIC SCOTTISH WEATHER.
Scottish Tourist Board: Once again, we would like to assure viewers that really, this place is quite lovely. And not always raining!
Esca: This guy says that if we go up past the mountains and into some trees, we will find someone who knows something, which is good, because, you know, I so totally don't.
Fortunately, before Esca and Marcus can waste too much time on more scenery, Mark Strong LEAPS from the trees and ATTACKS them.
Marcus: Are you a legionnaire?
Mark Strong: Kinda. Maybe. No.
Esca: Look at that giveaway chin scar! Also, feel my instinctive distrust!
Mark Strong the Legionnaire: Although I am suffering from major post traumatic syndrome and bad haircuts, I shall take you to where your father had his final battle and tell you nice things about it. We had it coming. We deserved it. Why did we come here? It's cold and there's nothing here.
Scottish Tourist Board: STOP IT ALREADY!
Legionnaire: We were attacked in the mist!
Scottish Tourist Board: I'm WARNING YOU.
Legionnaire takes Marcus and Esca to the killing ground and fills the AWKWARD SILENCE with cheery tales of chopped off feet. Camera moves over piles of dead bones. Scottish Tourist Board GOES OUT FOR A QUICK DRINK.
Marcus: So, um, where's the Eagle.
Legionnaire: I dunno. But your slave does. He's one of the killers!
Marcus: Seriously?
Esca: Did I fail to mention this?
Marcus: Yes.
Esca: In my defense everyone in Scotland knew about this. Also, in case you missed the speech, you were kinda killing us.
Marcus: I am so going to kill you.
Esca: Can I suggest postponing this discussion until AFTER we are no longer surrounded by angry blue people?
Blue people: Hi! We are very primitive. And blue.
Esca: By an astonishing coincidence, we speak the same language even though you're from the far, far north of Scotland and should be speaking some form of Pictish I'm from the far, far south of what will be England and should not be speaking Pictish at all.
Blue people: It's the Gaelic. Everyone will be speaking it in a few hundred years. Plus, as we've just revealed, your tribe helped with all the slaughter although it's not at all clear how.
Esca: Hmm, what is the best way to keep my master, whom I utterly despise and who was just hitting me, safe? I know! I'll tell these blue people that he's my slave.
Blue people: Oooh, a Roman noble citizen turned slave! We haven't seen that in at least three movies! Awesome twist. Let's go eat something.
Marcus: Er. What's happening?
Esca: Complicated story, but since I'm a little ticked off what with all the slavery and getting attacked, you're my slave now.
Blue women: You could be forgiven for forgetting that our gender EVEN EXISTS in this film, but, hey, we are about to have the SECOND LINE OF DIALOGUE from a woman in the ENTIRE FILM, if you are counting shouting, "DIE!" in the earlier arena scene. Not that we are exactly dialoguing here, but under the circumstances, pouring soup kinda counts. Also, we'll wash Marcus, just because.
Marcus: And I'll now…wash the horse. The thrills of this film never stop, do they? Ooooh, women! For the third time in the film!
Blue person: Yes, but if you keep looking at them I will kill them.
Esca: Go ahead.
Blue person: Eh, on second thought, he's yours, and I don't want to be rude to guests or anything.
Night FALLS. To demonstrate just how PRIMITIVE the blue people are in comparison to those civilized Romans, and also to prove that, despite contrary expectations, Westerns can be set in Scotland, the blue people begin doing a NATIVE AMERICAN DANCE, as INTERPRETED BY HOLLYWOOD. Marcus, like the audience, is STUNNED into silence, until the GOLDEN EAGLE appears on a pole and Marcus is HIT ON THE HEAD.
Esca: Now! While everyone is still asleep! Steal the eagle! I'll help.
Marcus: I am SO confused.
Marcus and Esca wade out to a SMALL ISLAND to steal the eagle, which has been conveniently left MOSTLY UNGUARDED and BRILLIANTLY LIT by various torches and SEARCHLIGHTS. Music SWELLS.
Esca: Er, can you hurry?
Priest: Traitor!
Swordfighting BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE, causing BAD LIGHTING. Marcus KILLS people. The priest says various things in Gaelic.
Marcus: What did he say?
Esca: Is this really the time for translation? Let's flee.
Marcus and Esca START fleeing, stopping to say GOODBYE to a small child along the way.
Marcus: Kill him.
Esca: You have a seriously one track mind.
Blue people: After them!
Marcus and Esca START RIDING as an owl LOOKS around for NO REAL REASON. To ADD DRAMA, Marcus STARTS BLEEDING. Esca BITES INTO a FRESHLY KILLED and UNCOOKED RAT.
Audience: Good thing our popcorn is almost done.
Blue people: Although we are on FOOT, and RUNNING, we are outrunning the horses. Robert Jordan would be so proud.
Horse: For the record, I'm so not happy. (DIES.)
Other horse: Can you please leave me standing?
Esca and Marcus: Given that a whole bunch of guys on FOOT are outrunning you two, sure!
Esca: Ok, Marcus. We'll just hide under some cold water, since obviously the Blue People will be unable to think of THAT. This may have the ADDED benefit of REDUCING your fever. Bonus: waterfalls!
Film editors FAIL TO NOTICE that in the next several seconds, the EAGLE that Marcus and Esca rescued VANISHES, only to CONVENIENTLY REAPPEAR a few seconds later. More rain falls.
Scottish Tourist Board: Auugh!
Marcus: I'm dying. Take the Eagle and go to Rome. I'm sure they won't kill you, despite your slave status and all that.
Esca: I swore an oath not to leave you! If you want me to leave you, you'll have to free me!
Marcus: Well, the depressing music suggests I don't have much choice. So, yeah! You're free! Not that I exactly have the manumission papers on hand or anything, which is probably just as well because they'd get soaked. Ok, NOW can you take the Eagle?
Esca: No. Trust me.
Esca RUNS OFF.
Marcus: Hmm. Well, since I am dying and sitting in a puddle under a waterfall and am all alone, I guess the best thing that I can do is make a nice stake for the Eagle. Go me.
Blue people: Go us. I mean, your horses have died, you're sitting in a waterfall, and four days later we're still running here.
For an almost awesome moment, GHOSTS seem to APPEAR near the waterfall, except that they AREN'T EXACTLY GHOSTS, just OLD LEGIONNAIRES.
Esca: Look, the dead can live! Here I bring the last of the Ninth Legion that the opening sequence assured us were all dead.
Wikipedia, crossly: TOLD YOU.
Legionnaires, led by Mark Strong: Hi there! Don't ask why most of us still look remarkably young for people that ran off from a legion twenty-five years ago and have been living in cold and misery ever since.
Scottish Tourist Board: Yay! See? SCOTLAND BRINGS YOUTH!
Legionnaires: This is all lovely and everything, but meanwhile, we're on low ground, and they're on high ground, which does not bode well. Also, it's not at all clear how we managed to arrive here before the running blue people.
Blue people: Since we've all embraced the lack of clarity anyway, we shall muddy things still more by leaving the nice high ground and coming down to stomp into the water. Also, just to prove that Scots suck and are much worse than Romans, to eliminate any sense of MORAL AMBIGUITY HERE, we shall slaughter this cute little kid right in front of everyone.
Slaughter ENSUES, accompanied by ANACHRONISTIC BAGPIPES.
C: Camera angles in the fight scenes suck ass. Make sure you write that shit down.**
Water runs EVERYWHERE. Most of the legionnaires and all of the blue people DIE. Marcus learns that WHATEVER PEOPLE may be saying in a LANGUAGE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, his father was awfully brave and all that, WHICH IS VERY NICE. To the sound of SWELLING BAGPIPES, Marcus and Esca return the Golden Eagle to the RUDE SENATOR from the EARLIER MOSTLY FORGOTTEN about part of the film.
Tribune: With only a slave to help you!
Marcus: He's not a slave!
Esca: So, where do we go from here?
Marcus: Your choice. But make it a better movie.
*********
Presumably all of the gay sex broke out right after the end of the film.
*To be fair, the "legend" of the vanished Ninth Legion has appeared in other sources, and it is not until fairly recently that anyone cared enough to check it out and find out that as legends go, its historical verification lacks something.
** As always, I had my notebook with me and was scribbling away.
While you're contemplating that, onto the snark.
Film OPENS with words on the screen outlining the SAD and TERRIBLE story of the Ninth Legion of the Roman Empire which DISAPPEARED up in Scotland and was NEVER EVER SEEN AGAIN. Screen REMAINS DARK to prevent people from USING THEIR iPHONES to CHECK WIKIPEDIA about this sort of thing, which is just as well because, gasp, Wikipedia claims that a Hollywood film is MAKING THIS ALL UP.* After an APPROPRIATE MOMENT, film OPENS again in a DARK SWAMP with a Roman crew. Things are VERY WET. We see some RANDOM COWS and NAKED KIDS, before switching to DRIER COWS and NO NAKED KIDS at a Roman Fort because a Roman Fort isn't the place for kiddy porn.
Marcus: Hi. I'm here to take over. I see you have some sewage problems. Also your DEFENSES SUCK which could be a real problem given all of the NAKED KIDS.
Random Roman: True though that is, what we are really interested in is gossip! So, is it true your father, like, disappeared and everything with the Roman Eagle up in Scotland forcing us to build this wall and get stuck here, and now you've decided to follow him?
Marcus: I shall avoid this question by asking pointed questions about the repairs.
Other Random Romans: We FEEL the BAD OMENS.
Marcus: Although my family honor is totally gone, I shall ask the gods to help me resurrect the family honor, and then, make weapons and play with chickens, because, chickens. Also, we are low on chicken feed. Send out a patrol!
Random Roman guy: Bad idea.
Marcus: We have got to get this film going SOMEHOW. Send out the patrol!
Glowing lights FILL the sky.
Marcus: I'm not sure, but I THINK this is suspicious.
Not at all suspicious men in admittedly suspiciously primitive clothing LEAP over the Roman wall YELLING things. Their attack is SLOWED by POOR and CONFUSING CAMERAWORK that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to tell WHAT might be going on. Things BURN UP.
Marcus: Well, that went well.
Romans: Gulp.
A large army of PRIMITIVE LOOKING PEOPLE who are apparently MEANT TO BE BRITONS comes OUT FROM THE FOREST and start yelling in surprisingly modern Scottish Gaelic, confusing me for a moment since this SOUNDS MOSTLY LIKE IRISH but ISN'T EXACTLY. The Britons CONVENIENTLY ENOUGH just HAPPEN to have SEVERAL ROMAN HOSTAGES. CURSES ensue. Britons EXECUTE a Roman right in front of everyone.
Marcus: Well, this is depressing. I shall now PUT ON ARMOR and hope NO ONE ASKS why I haven't been WEARING IT ALREADY. And then I shall CHARGE OUT OF THE GATES.
Romans: But you'll die!
Marcus: Eh. I'm the star and we're only ten minutes into the film. I feel secure.
Kept SECURE behind a WALL OF SHIELDS, Marcus and various Romans TROT OUT to the battlefield where they QUICKLY KNOCK DOWN lots of Britons and encircle the hostages.
Britons: Remind us to work on that whole armor thing.
Briton king: It's ok. I have the chariot!
Chariot RACES through the field, knocking over various Romans.
Romans: Run away!
Marcus: To establish that I am a brave character who will continue to do reckless things throughout the film, let me not run away! Ouch! Ah. Ok, let me ENJOY SOME HALLUCINATIONS.
Uncle: Hi! I'm your uncle. I'm here to provide the only jolly part of the film. Also, I live in a remarkably lovely villa. Don't ask for an explanation here.
Soldier: Well, Marcus, you nearly died, but, you get a WREATH and a MEDAL. Also, an honorable discharge.
Marcus: Crap. What am I supposed to do now?
Uncle: Well. We're supposedly in a film about Romans, and there is this little gladiator arena down the road. And maybe, if we are incredibly lucky, a Briton with MYSTERIOUS TIES to your father's death and detailed knowledge of Scotland will just happen to show up at the arena!
Marcus and his uncle HEAD to the arena, where a Briton with MYSTERIOUS TIES to Marcus' father's death just happens to be standing in the mud, facing a gladiator.
Crowd: Fight! Fight! Kill! Kill!
Briton: Eh.
Crowd: KILL KILL!
Marcus: Wait! I sense I shall need him to allow this film to continue! SAVE HIM!
Briton: Eh.
Uncle: Well, following that stirring moment, I shall introduce some drama by buying the Briton as your slave. His name is Esca.
Esca: Hi! I hate you and all Romans, and also, I am carrying a deep dark secret about your father's death, but, since you have saved my life even though I didn't want you to, I have decided that I owe you a debt of honor and must serve you for the rest of my unwanted life. Don't worry. My character motivations will only get murkier and less explicable from here. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to THROW my body over you ostensibly to hold you down during surgery but REALLY to give the audience hope that this film is going in a direction that is isn't going. And also, throw in a nice bit of pig hunting.
Roman senator and tribune: Actually, since this film hasn't really been going anywhere for some time, let's insult Marcus' family to get some action going.
Marcus: I am insulted! So, since I have nothing else to do except, you know, hang out at this lovely sunny villa, I shall take Esca up to Scotland to search for the Eagle and enjoy some more hallucinations.
Uncle: He'll slit your throat!
Marcus: Well, he promised not to kill me.
Uncle: And you believed him? Can't you tell that he has MYSTERIOUS TIES to your FATHER'S DEATH?
Marcus: No.
A confusing MAP in both LATIN AND ENGLISH spreads OVER THE SCREEN as Marcus and Esca HEAD TO HADRIAN'S WALL.
Romans: Even though it's been established that Marcus is a hero and everything to us here on the wall, we shall inexplicably not recognize him and make fun of him. Also, this whole Scotland thing is such a terrible idea that we shall SPIT on you for it.
Esca: Even though it's been established that I am from southern Britain, and therefore should have no knowledge of anything in Scotland whatsoever, I inexplicably speak perfect modern Gaelic just like everyone else in Scotland. Not, um, that I know anything about your father's MYSTERIOUS DEATH. Promise. Well. Not very hard.
Marcus and Esca encounter some HANGING BODIES.
Scottish Tourist Board: We would like to assure potential tourists that this sort of thing is rare.
Esca: So, um, Marcus. You're hunting for your father, of whom, I assure you, I know absolutely nothing?
Marcus: Yes. And also for this Eagle. Let me explain. Rome is, you know, the awesomeness thing, like EVER.
Audience FALLS ASLEEP.
Esca: Since we're in such a cheery mood, my family is dead. My father killed my mother to keep Roman legionnaires from raping her. Romans did that.
Film: To prevent the audience from TURNING SUICIDAL, we shall now show some PRETTY CINEMATOGRAPHY.
Marcus: All of this scenery is giving me a terrible fever.
Rain FALLS.
Scottish Tourist Board: No need to be accurate.
Marcus and Esca stop for a snack.
Esca: Marcus, you won't believe this, but there's some guys hiding in the trees who instead of launching a surprise attack, have kindly waited to attack until I've seen them. Get ready.
Proving a point that I will be making in an upcoming Tor.com post, attackers USE BOWS AND ARROWS. Another CONFUSING FIGHT ensues. Esca HESITATES before killing a young attacker who was RUNNING AWAY but Marcus KILLS THE KID ANYWAY.
Marcus: And, as a further show of my EVEN TEMPER and GOOD JUDGEMENT, I will ATTACK Esca as he is QUESTIONING this Scots dude because I have HAD IT with the REALISTIC SCOTTISH WEATHER.
Scottish Tourist Board: Once again, we would like to assure viewers that really, this place is quite lovely. And not always raining!
Esca: This guy says that if we go up past the mountains and into some trees, we will find someone who knows something, which is good, because, you know, I so totally don't.
Fortunately, before Esca and Marcus can waste too much time on more scenery, Mark Strong LEAPS from the trees and ATTACKS them.
Marcus: Are you a legionnaire?
Mark Strong: Kinda. Maybe. No.
Esca: Look at that giveaway chin scar! Also, feel my instinctive distrust!
Mark Strong the Legionnaire: Although I am suffering from major post traumatic syndrome and bad haircuts, I shall take you to where your father had his final battle and tell you nice things about it. We had it coming. We deserved it. Why did we come here? It's cold and there's nothing here.
Scottish Tourist Board: STOP IT ALREADY!
Legionnaire: We were attacked in the mist!
Scottish Tourist Board: I'm WARNING YOU.
Legionnaire takes Marcus and Esca to the killing ground and fills the AWKWARD SILENCE with cheery tales of chopped off feet. Camera moves over piles of dead bones. Scottish Tourist Board GOES OUT FOR A QUICK DRINK.
Marcus: So, um, where's the Eagle.
Legionnaire: I dunno. But your slave does. He's one of the killers!
Marcus: Seriously?
Esca: Did I fail to mention this?
Marcus: Yes.
Esca: In my defense everyone in Scotland knew about this. Also, in case you missed the speech, you were kinda killing us.
Marcus: I am so going to kill you.
Esca: Can I suggest postponing this discussion until AFTER we are no longer surrounded by angry blue people?
Blue people: Hi! We are very primitive. And blue.
Esca: By an astonishing coincidence, we speak the same language even though you're from the far, far north of Scotland and should be speaking some form of Pictish I'm from the far, far south of what will be England and should not be speaking Pictish at all.
Blue people: It's the Gaelic. Everyone will be speaking it in a few hundred years. Plus, as we've just revealed, your tribe helped with all the slaughter although it's not at all clear how.
Esca: Hmm, what is the best way to keep my master, whom I utterly despise and who was just hitting me, safe? I know! I'll tell these blue people that he's my slave.
Blue people: Oooh, a Roman noble citizen turned slave! We haven't seen that in at least three movies! Awesome twist. Let's go eat something.
Marcus: Er. What's happening?
Esca: Complicated story, but since I'm a little ticked off what with all the slavery and getting attacked, you're my slave now.
Blue women: You could be forgiven for forgetting that our gender EVEN EXISTS in this film, but, hey, we are about to have the SECOND LINE OF DIALOGUE from a woman in the ENTIRE FILM, if you are counting shouting, "DIE!" in the earlier arena scene. Not that we are exactly dialoguing here, but under the circumstances, pouring soup kinda counts. Also, we'll wash Marcus, just because.
Marcus: And I'll now…wash the horse. The thrills of this film never stop, do they? Ooooh, women! For the third time in the film!
Blue person: Yes, but if you keep looking at them I will kill them.
Esca: Go ahead.
Blue person: Eh, on second thought, he's yours, and I don't want to be rude to guests or anything.
Night FALLS. To demonstrate just how PRIMITIVE the blue people are in comparison to those civilized Romans, and also to prove that, despite contrary expectations, Westerns can be set in Scotland, the blue people begin doing a NATIVE AMERICAN DANCE, as INTERPRETED BY HOLLYWOOD. Marcus, like the audience, is STUNNED into silence, until the GOLDEN EAGLE appears on a pole and Marcus is HIT ON THE HEAD.
Esca: Now! While everyone is still asleep! Steal the eagle! I'll help.
Marcus: I am SO confused.
Marcus and Esca wade out to a SMALL ISLAND to steal the eagle, which has been conveniently left MOSTLY UNGUARDED and BRILLIANTLY LIT by various torches and SEARCHLIGHTS. Music SWELLS.
Esca: Er, can you hurry?
Priest: Traitor!
Swordfighting BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE, causing BAD LIGHTING. Marcus KILLS people. The priest says various things in Gaelic.
Marcus: What did he say?
Esca: Is this really the time for translation? Let's flee.
Marcus and Esca START fleeing, stopping to say GOODBYE to a small child along the way.
Marcus: Kill him.
Esca: You have a seriously one track mind.
Blue people: After them!
Marcus and Esca START RIDING as an owl LOOKS around for NO REAL REASON. To ADD DRAMA, Marcus STARTS BLEEDING. Esca BITES INTO a FRESHLY KILLED and UNCOOKED RAT.
Audience: Good thing our popcorn is almost done.
Blue people: Although we are on FOOT, and RUNNING, we are outrunning the horses. Robert Jordan would be so proud.
Horse: For the record, I'm so not happy. (DIES.)
Other horse: Can you please leave me standing?
Esca and Marcus: Given that a whole bunch of guys on FOOT are outrunning you two, sure!
Esca: Ok, Marcus. We'll just hide under some cold water, since obviously the Blue People will be unable to think of THAT. This may have the ADDED benefit of REDUCING your fever. Bonus: waterfalls!
Film editors FAIL TO NOTICE that in the next several seconds, the EAGLE that Marcus and Esca rescued VANISHES, only to CONVENIENTLY REAPPEAR a few seconds later. More rain falls.
Scottish Tourist Board: Auugh!
Marcus: I'm dying. Take the Eagle and go to Rome. I'm sure they won't kill you, despite your slave status and all that.
Esca: I swore an oath not to leave you! If you want me to leave you, you'll have to free me!
Marcus: Well, the depressing music suggests I don't have much choice. So, yeah! You're free! Not that I exactly have the manumission papers on hand or anything, which is probably just as well because they'd get soaked. Ok, NOW can you take the Eagle?
Esca: No. Trust me.
Esca RUNS OFF.
Marcus: Hmm. Well, since I am dying and sitting in a puddle under a waterfall and am all alone, I guess the best thing that I can do is make a nice stake for the Eagle. Go me.
Blue people: Go us. I mean, your horses have died, you're sitting in a waterfall, and four days later we're still running here.
For an almost awesome moment, GHOSTS seem to APPEAR near the waterfall, except that they AREN'T EXACTLY GHOSTS, just OLD LEGIONNAIRES.
Esca: Look, the dead can live! Here I bring the last of the Ninth Legion that the opening sequence assured us were all dead.
Wikipedia, crossly: TOLD YOU.
Legionnaires, led by Mark Strong: Hi there! Don't ask why most of us still look remarkably young for people that ran off from a legion twenty-five years ago and have been living in cold and misery ever since.
Scottish Tourist Board: Yay! See? SCOTLAND BRINGS YOUTH!
Legionnaires: This is all lovely and everything, but meanwhile, we're on low ground, and they're on high ground, which does not bode well. Also, it's not at all clear how we managed to arrive here before the running blue people.
Blue people: Since we've all embraced the lack of clarity anyway, we shall muddy things still more by leaving the nice high ground and coming down to stomp into the water. Also, just to prove that Scots suck and are much worse than Romans, to eliminate any sense of MORAL AMBIGUITY HERE, we shall slaughter this cute little kid right in front of everyone.
Slaughter ENSUES, accompanied by ANACHRONISTIC BAGPIPES.
C: Camera angles in the fight scenes suck ass. Make sure you write that shit down.**
Water runs EVERYWHERE. Most of the legionnaires and all of the blue people DIE. Marcus learns that WHATEVER PEOPLE may be saying in a LANGUAGE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, his father was awfully brave and all that, WHICH IS VERY NICE. To the sound of SWELLING BAGPIPES, Marcus and Esca return the Golden Eagle to the RUDE SENATOR from the EARLIER MOSTLY FORGOTTEN about part of the film.
Tribune: With only a slave to help you!
Marcus: He's not a slave!
Esca: So, where do we go from here?
Marcus: Your choice. But make it a better movie.
*********
Presumably all of the gay sex broke out right after the end of the film.
*To be fair, the "legend" of the vanished Ninth Legion has appeared in other sources, and it is not until fairly recently that anyone cared enough to check it out and find out that as legends go, its historical verification lacks something.
** As always, I had my notebook with me and was scribbling away.