X-Men, First Class
Jun. 15th, 2011 04:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessSo, er, yes. It's been a week full of major and minor irritations. Among the minor irritations: the sudden realization that I had not, after all, kept my promise to say lots of interesting things about X-Men: First Class. Or even a lot of dull things about X-Men: First Class.
Let's get the important stuff out of the way: yes, I had fun with the film, even though it is not exactly good in many places and is unquestionably and oddly sexist in almost all of its places, has some disability fail at the end, and inexplicably never allows its main couple to just make out already. Mind you, since the film is set in the 1940s and the 1960s, some sexism is to be expected. What's odd, though, is that's not the sexism the film is depicting. Equally oddly, the only non-sexist male in the film is one of the bad guys. The good guys…yeah. And we probably shouldn't get into the equally odd racial and political stuff.
But, and this is important, things blew up!
Anyway. If you want a deep, thoughtful take on the film, try Abigail Nussbaum, who gave this film considerably more intellectual attention than I did. If you want to realize just how hilariously tragic the lives of the X-Men are, try io9's sad summary of their lives. And if you want snark, just keep reading below the cut.
Film OPENS with young Magneto and his parents getting TRAGICALLY DRAGGED OFF to a concentration camp, just like in the first film, only this time, A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE who just happens to be connected within SIX DEGREES of EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD is WATCHING while drinking some nice tea, somewhat LESSENING the impact.
Bacon Shaw: What an odd coincidence that here I am, trying to do some torture for the Nazis, and I just happen to see the sudden appearance of the world's most powerful mutant, even though later calling me in as an expert would have made equal narrative sense.
Meanwhile, young Charles X WAKES UP in a HUGE HOUSE, only DEMONSTRATING the many, many things that will serve to keep HIM AND MAGNETO from inexplicably failing to CONSUMMATE their love with LOTS OF SWEATY MOMENTS later. He HEADS to the kitchen where a lovely blond woman is STANDING in front of a refrigerator.
Charles: Although I live in New York, I shall much later in an earlier film be played by a Brit, so just go with my inexplicable mildly British accent here. Hmm. Although I have the ability to read minds, I shall instead skip that part and immediately guess that you, lovely blond woman, are not my mother because you are trying to be nice to me by feeding me hot chocolate. Who are you?
Raven: I'm blue. I desperately want to be accepted as blue, although you can be forgiven for having a hard time believing this since I will spend most of the movie as blond to SAVE on the special effects budget. Who are you?
Charles: Your new adopted brother! Quick, move the camera around before anyone can start worrying about the legal problems with this!
Bacon Shaw: To distract the audience from my strongly American-accented German, which would otherwise cause them to assume that I am an inept American spy, I shall threaten your mother with death unless you move these coins, Magneto! How much do you love your mother?
Magneto: Apparently not all that much.
Bacon Shaw: I shall now forget all of the tempting, tempting metal in this room and next door, and shoot your mother.
Magento: In response, I shall send objects FLYING through the room and kill two Nazi stooges, but inexplicably fail to even TOUCH you, Bacon Shaw, the actual murderer.
Bacon Shaw: Wonderful! Outstanding! Let's make you still MORE ANGRY! Because everyone likes to see Nazis die.
Magneto: Bored now. Let me flip a coin through the air and dream of the moment, not too long from now, when I shall be able to climb in bed with one hot man. Er. That is, kill Bacon Shaw. Let me send objects flying just to clarify any confusion with that one.
Charles: I not so secretly so long for men that I am reduced to inept and insulting pickups of women, and ignoring my lovely blond or blue foster sister who clearly has the hots for me.
Raven: Not so much the hots, as more wondering why, if we've been raised together, we have totally different accents. And apparently fail to recognize each other in later movies. But enough of that! Mutant! Proud! Would you date me, looking like me?
Charles: I'm apparently the only man not turned on by your legs, even when they are blue. When do I get to jump in bed with a man again? Hmm. On another topic, you're my best friend.
Raven: I'm your only friend.
Charles: I'm sensing this may not bode well.
Magneto: Time to threaten some Swiss bankers!
Swiss banker, in remarkably convincing French given the rest of this film: Hey! I'm a Swiss banker! That means I defend the privacy of Nazis to their deaths!
Magento: Time for some seriously gross dentistry that will convince several audience members they should have skipped the popcorn!
Swiss banker: The Nazis are in Argentina. It's lovely this time of year.
Moira MacTaggert: You may remember me from the comics as a serious, professional and Scottish scientist. Here, I am an inept American CIA spy, so inept that I am investigating inside the United States . To make matters worse, apparently my only spy skill is REMOVING my CLOTHING. On the bright side I too have awesome legs. And now, I shall not at all suspiciously join some strippers. It's not at all suspicious since women will continue to do this THROUGHOUT the entire film.
In an astonishing LACK OF CONTINUITY with the Wolverine film, Emma Frost decides to DEMONSTRATE that point by APPEARING AS A STRIPPER.
Emma Frost: Do look at my awesome boots as I lead you not at all suspiciously through a secret passageway through a gambling table to the secret hideout of the Hellfire Club.
Cranky Colonel: Impressive, if tacky. But I'm not moving those nukes.
Riptide WHIRLS THINGS AROUND.
Cranky Colonel: Or, you know, I could move those nukes.
Magneto: To continue to show my mastery of multiple languages, I shall now speak in Spanish.
Obvious Nazi guys: We're from Dusseldorf! Speak Spanish to us!
Magneto: What a coincidence! I'm also from Dusseldorf!
Obvious Nazi guys: Well, on that friendly note, let's point some guns at you.
Magneto: Or not.
Magneto does WILD and WACKY things to the guns.
Obvious Nazi guys: Hey, we were just following orders. Who are you?
Magneto: It'll sound better in English. I'm Frankenstein's monster!
Obvious Nazi guys DIE as Magneto STALKS OFF towards his enemy. Moira MacTaggert realizes that her only hope is Oxford. Naturally. Charles actually becomes a Professor of sorts.
Charles: Yay! Another woman for me to try this mutation line on!
Moira MacTaggert: Not to interrupt the bad pickup lines, but we kinda need to do some shifting into an action sequence here. Wanna come to the United States and chatter with some dull CIA guys, abandoning your scientific work?
Charles: And get the chance to look at manly guys instead of having to force this pretend interest in women? Sign me up!
Oliver the CIA guy [Oliver Platt; I didn't catch his name in the film]: Marvelous! On the basis of a five minute acquaintance, I shall take the guy who can take over minds and the woman who can disguise herself as any of my agents to my top secret CIA facility and allow them to commandeer a Coast Guard vessel and head out after Bacon Shaw with NO PREPARATIONS whatsoever. There's a reason I'm not the director of the CIA.
Emma Frost: Darling, I think the Coast Guard is about to attack.
Magneto: Never mind the Coast Guard! I'm here! I'm wet! I HAVE SPECIAL EFFECTS! PREPARE TO DIE! Unless, of course, you have a secret submarine!
Bacon Shaw USES his SECRET SUBMARINE.
Magneto, Professor X and the Coast Guard: Curses!
Charles: Wait, is there a wet man in the ocean that I can PUT MY ARMS around and embrace tightly, my head near to his?
Magento: Wait, is there a wet man in the ocean that I can lean against FOREVER AND EVER putting his ARMS AROUND ME? I – I – I thought I was alone!
Charles: You'll never be alone again!
The first of very, very many INTENSE GAY LOOKS ARE EXCHANGED.
Audience member: Wait. Picard WAS GAY TOO?
Oliver the CIA guy: Before this gets TOO pornographic, let me whisk you guys off to our top secret CIA facility, since, of course, nothing says trustworthy more than a man flailing in the ocean trying to sink a secret submarine before unexpectedly finding the love of his life.
Charles: Hi! We're the new mutant force. It's ok, Hank, you can start showing off now.
Hank: Er. Your telepathy showed you that I'm a mutant, but somehow failed to inform you that THIS IS A SECRET?
Charles: Well, it's not as if I've been established as the tactful sort.
Hank, seeing pretty blond girl, decides to SHOW OFF.
Magneto: Oh, Charles. I want to go and kill bad guys! But not if it means –
More INTENSE GAY LOOKS are exchanged, reminding viewers of the BEST PARTS of SMALLVILLE.
Charles: Stay, Erik! STAY!
Shaw and Emma WATCH TV. It is not CLEAR how they are GETTING A SIGNAL given that they are BENEATH LAYERS OF ICE, OCEAN AND STEEL.
Emma: Does it bother you that we are, as a declared straight couple, less convincing than the undeclared gay couple?
Shaw puts on a helmet to BLOCK EMMA'S THOUGHTS: No. Can you fetch me some ice?
Emma Frost: I'm your second in command, your girlfriend, your main negotiator and your chief telepath, but if you're too cheap to hire actual waitstaff, then, sure! And since I'm evil, I'll DELIBERATELY add to the DESTRUCTION of the Arctic Ice Sheet.
Hank TAKES Raven's blood and MOVES IN to KISS HER.
Magneto: Kinky! What's with the bloodletting?
Hank: I'm going to make her into a permanent blonde!
Magneto: Well, I wouldn't change her looks. I like blue. Well, actually, I like Charles, but I'm trying this whole friendliness thing.
Charles: Wait…is my beloved Erik PAYING ATTENTION to the blue chick I've ignored for years even if she's my supposed BEST FRIEND? Quick! Let us start SPYING on mutants to distract him and make him focus on me!
Professor X USES Cerebro to FIND STORM and basically LEAVE HER THERE, even though STORM IS MUCH COOLER THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE FILM. I sulk.
Film: I've just realized. We've gone twenty minutes without featuring a single female stripper. Let's change this.
Obligingly, the next mutant just HAPPENS to WORKING in a STRIP CLUB. Magneto and Charles JUMP INTO A BED TOGETHER and LOOK AT HER.
Angel, the stripper mutant: Double viewing costs extra.
Magneto and Charles: Oh, we're not here to watch you strip. TRUST US.
Magneto and Charles BOUNCE TOGETHER on the BED.
Angel: Well, in that case! Here, I'll strip! I have wings on my back. Why exactly I have decided to HIDE this in a STRIP CLUB where I must CONSTANTLY EXPOSE my NAKED BACK is NOT CLEAR.
Magneto and Charles: Could you leave us in the bed?
Angel: I'm HOVERING HERE.
Banshee: To stay faithful to the spirit of this film, I shall try my own terrible pick-up line on an UNINTERESTED GIRL. Ooooh! Two good looking men who just HAPPEN to have JUST BEEN BOUNCING IN BED TOGETHER!
Alex Summers: Well, I was in solitary confinement, so, whatever.
Darwin: I'm a cab driver. What exactly are you two doing in the back?
Magento and Charles: We just can't help it.
Wolverine: Fuck off! [Real dialogue]
Magneto and Charles exchange ANOTHER DEEP MEANINGFUL LOOK, and take off, presumably to FOLLOW Wolverine's advice. Later, they end up on a surprisingly deserted Lincoln Memorial, PLAYING CHESS, still STARING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.
Charles: I suppose….I suppose we must go and chase bad guys.
Magneto: Well, this is an action film.
Charles and Magneto HEAD into Russia, taking Moira to DEFLECT ANY GAY SPECULATION. They all KNEEL IN THE WOODS and watch Emma Frost, wearing something not usually worn on visits to Russian Generals, visit a Russian General.
Magento: I must attack!
Charles: Moira, I can't – I can't leave him! You do understand!
Since the film has already established that women have only ONE WAY to OBTAIN INFORMATION, Emma Frost starts STRIPPING for the Russian general, even though since she's a TELEPATH, this all seems TERRIBLY unnecessary. As a KINDLY gesture, she gives the RUSSIAN general a SEX FANTASY while she sits, bored. Magento and Professor X ENTER and see her in the chair and the Russian general WRITHING on the bed.
Charles: Oh, Erik. Please tell me you're thinking what I'm thinking.
Magneto: Bondage scene?
Charles: I think it's time for another MEANINGFUL GAY LOOK.
Magneto, DESPERATE TO TURN PROFESSOR X on EVEN MORE, TIES THE DIAMOND BODY of Emma Frost to the foot of the BED using the METAL BED POSTS, and then for ADDED KINKINESS, begins to STRANGLE her with one of the posts, JUST A LITTLE, even though TECHNICALLY, since she's currently MADE OF DIAMOND, her body should be CUTTING THROUGH THE POSTS. Emma Frost WIGGLES SEDUCTIVELY.
Charles: Erik…I don't think I…I mean, she…can take much more of this! Please stop!
Magneto: She hasn't given her safeword.
Charles: But, you're standing in front of a BED and not HOLDING ME! This MUST STOP!
Magneto STOPS, leaving Emma as a FRAGILE woman who will SHATTER if she EVER TURNS INTO A DIAMOND AGAIN, which would have all sorts of SIGNIFICANT MEANING if it weren't ABOUT TO BE IGNORED by the END OF THE FILM.
Charles: We're taking you in for, er, questioning. Yeah. That doesn't sound at all kinky.
Meanwhile, back at the SECRET CIA facility, various CIA agents are SHOWING OFF their PROFESSIONALISM and TOLERANT SPIRIT by pointing fingers at and MAKING FUN of the other mutants.
Hispanic and black mutants: I feel uncomfortable here. Almost as if the film is trying, yet failing, to make a racial statement!
White mutants: Well, to keep THAT from happening, let's close the CURTAINS.
Things go BOOM.
Bacon Shaw: Lead me to the mutants!
Humans: Ok.
Bacon Shaw: Hi! You don't know me, but, there's an upcoming war between mutant and human, and since I'm awesome and have a secret submarine, you might want to think of joining me.
Angel, who happens to be Hispanic: Well, you have a lovely handshake, so, even though you're a Nazi, sure!
Darwin, the sole black mutant/character in the film: Let me sacrifice myself to save the Hispanic girl from her own choices.
White mutants: Sure!
Darwin: DIES.
Audience: Wow, that was an unusually blatant kill off the only black guy in the film early on shot.
Film: In our defense, it's the 1960s.
Audience: Not in your defense, you're SUPPOSED TO BE AN ANTI-RACISM METAPHOR.
Bacon Shaw: If I explode things, can we move on from this?
Audience: Sure!
Bacon Shaw EXPLODES things, leaving the rest of the white mutants SHAKEN and FEARFUL.
Bacon Shaw: Having mangled pretty much every other language in this film, let me tackle Russian! So sorry about the earlier bondage scene –
Russian general: Really not a problem.
Bacon Shaw: Meanwhile, have you thought about starting the Cuban Missile Crisis?
Russian general: No.
Bacon Shaw: Let me switch to English to make my point. Have you thought about starting the Cuban Missile Crisis?
Russian general: Who needs a vacation?
Mutants: Darwin is dead. We are very sad.
Emma Frost is PUT in jail because security is more important than liberty, or something. The metaphor is LOST in the confusion of Emma Frost's BOOTS and tendency to say that TOSSING NUCLEAR WEAPONS AROUND is not, despite appearances, a WAR or anything like that.
Ray Wise: Hi! We might need to nuke Russia.
Charles: We must hide! And where better to hide than in a HUGE mansion EASILY VISIBLE from the sky, LEFT TO ME in MY NAME? Let's start training! Incidentally, who cleans this place and where did they go during all of these top secret training missions?
Magneto: However did you live in such hardship? Although, I must admit, seeing you in this house TOTALLY turns me on. Let's have another MEANINGFUL GAY LOOK.
U.S. and Russia dispatch WARSHIPS for Cuba.
Fidel Castro: You know, I could have sworn I had a larger role in this.
President Kennedy: It's blockade time, people. Drill up!
Charles: Quick, let's start training everyone. Banshee! Go supersonic!
Banshee: Supersonic? I'm using sound waves. How can sound waves travel faster than the speed of sound?
Professor X: Don't ask the scientists tricky questions. Just fall out of the window. Alex Summers! By an astonishing coincidence I just happen to have a large bunker beneath this mansion to help train you!
Magneto: Raven, since I can't have Charles, allow me to take a moment to give you an important life lesson about real beauty and believing you are beautiful even when the world says you aren't.
Hank: And to counter that note, let me put nipples on the statue Alex Summers is about to blow up.
As a supposed part of a TRAINING program, Magneto and Professor X SHARE a memory and ALMOST START making out again.
Charles: Oh, Erik! When you gain your serenity, no one will be able to resist – er, that is, stop – er, that is, resist you! Oh, will we NEVER sleep together?
Magneto: Well, we need to listen to Kennedy's speech first. Hmm. Bacon Shaw has convinced the Soviet and U.S. fleets to GATHER around CUBA with nuclear missiles.
Caribbean coral reefs: We'd like to move to less warzone locations, thanks.
Bacon Shaw: The world is primed for war, and no one can stop me! Plus, I have a stripper mutant by my side sipping champagne. Because we're about to go into battle, we probably shouldn't be getting that drunk, but, you know, practicality has not been my strong point in this film.
Hank: Raven! I have the serum that will turn you from blue to the gorgeous blond that you've been for most of the film in any case!
Raven: Must we hide?
Hank: To point out the bleeding obvious, you've been hiding most of the film. Also, frankly, our effects budget needs to go to missiles, not blue skin. Take the serum!
Charles and Magento: In a failed attempt to REDUCE all of this SEXUAL TENSION between us, we shall now PLAY CHESS while exchanging LUSTFUL LOOKS.
Magento: Screw this peace thing. I'm going to go kill Shaw.
Charles: Did I mention I have a very large bed?
Hank gets ready to end his CGI issues with a single shot of serum. To the surprise of no one, this FAILS miserable. Meanwhile, Magneto ENTERS his bedroom to find a BLONDE Raven sitting on his bed looking very seductive.
Magneto: Um, surely by now even you've realized who my main love interest is in this flick.
Raven: You'd think I would have noticed that, but then again, my entire character is pretty much just based on my relationships with men, so, no. What if I look like this? Or this?
Magneto: Maybe if you looked like Charles….
Raven: What if I turn blue?
Magneto: That works! I can now seduce you without thinking of Charles' delightful skin! Or, um, maybe not. Never mind! Let me release at least some of this sexual tension.
Hank: Before we go off to fight the bad guys, can we have another TOUCHING moment, where all of the X-Men learn to ACCEPT ME for WHO I AM?
Alex Summers/Havok: Sure! Mind if we start calling you Beast?
Touching moment OVER, everyone HEADS to CUBA, here represented by GEORGIA in an effort to gain needed tax revenue and shore up a burgeoning film program.
Moscow: Warships! Don't move! We may be evil Soviets under the influence of an evil mutant, but we don't want nuclear war.
Soviet warship MOVES.
U.S. warship: I think we're going to have to bomb that. Damn it!
Fortunately, the X-Men SWOOP down in a plane wearing nice blue and yellow suits. Charles TAKES over the MIND of a Soviet ship commander, forcing him to SEND A MISSILE into the moving Soviet warship and get ARRESTED even though this was SO NOT HIS FAULT. Americans REJOICE and congratulate themselves for AVOIDING WORLD WAR III even though THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING and continue to IGNORE THE PRACTICAL PROBLEM that much of the assault is now being led by mutants, one of VERY QUESTIONABLE CITIZENSHIP, and even though the film is NOWHERE NEAR THROUGH with its SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET so rejoicing is KINDA PREMATURE.
Bacon Shaw: I sense the presence of mutants, since clearly the HUMANS are TOO INCOMPETENT to stop World War III all by themselves. Turn on the reactor so I can ABSORB ITS POWER and BLAST MUTANTS FROM THE SKY as I HIDE HERE IN MY SECRET SUB!
Mutants: Hmm. We can't see Bacon Shaw anywhere. If only SOMEONE had SONAR!
Lots of Soviet and American warships, presumably EQUIPPED with SONAR, bobble HAPPILY in the water.
Banshee: Or, we could use, you know, me! Plus that will let me do FLYING effects!
Banshee JUMPS out of the PLANE and begins FLYING AROUND, using his SOUND WAVES to SHOW EVERYBODY the presence of a NO LONGER SECRET SUB. The sheer SCIENTIFIC WRONGNESS of this shot SO INFURIATES MAGNETO that he decides to PULL THE SUBMARINE out of the ocean in what is UNQUESTIONABLY THE COOLEST SHOT OF THE FILM, only kinda ruined in effect since IT WAS ALREADY SEEN in all of the trailers. Magneto, still annoyed, decides to FLING the submarine into an INNOCENT CUBA* as the PLANE carrying the X-Men CRASHES into the same beach.
Charles: Erik! Erik! Tell me you are ok!
Magneto: Oh, the agony! Do I CHASE AFTER my MORTAL ENEMY, or MAKE OUT with CHARLES on this LOVELY if RATHER DAMAGED BEACH? Oh, well, if Lost taught us anything, it was the fickleness of love next to airplane wreckage. Off I go to FACE Bacon Shaw ALONE!
Beast, Havok and Banshee HEAD OFF to FIGHT BAD GUYS on the U.S. warship, quite POSSIBLY because this is where the HOT STRIPPER MUTANT CHICK is FLYING AROUND NOT WEARING MUCH, in contrast to all of the other PRETTY FULLY CLOTHED MUTANTS. Raven and Moira stay behind, just because.
Charles: I must LOSE myself in Erik's beautiful, beautiful mind and memories. And TRY not to notice that we are ON A ROMANTIC BEACH!
Magneto: I can't find Bacon Shaw! I've searched this place everywhere!
Bacon Shaw OPENS a SECRET DOOR.
Magento: You know, you think I'd have sensed that.
Mutants BATTLE to see WHO has the SUPERIOR SPECIAL EFFECTS. Spoiler: the HAIR DRESSING DEPARTMENT, failing to account for the WIND DIRECTION, LOSES.
Americans and Russians: So, although we're all on fully equipped warships with nuclear weapons, we'll just…float around and watch. Anybody got a beer?
Bacon Shaw: Why are you on their side, Magneto? We are superior mutants!
Magneto: Well, for one thing, I can't seem to stop STARING into CHARLES' EYES. For another thing, you killed my mother. Prepare to die.**
Bacon Shaw: Well, yes, that sucked. But I did it for you! I had to expand your powers!
Confusingly, at this point, Bacon Shaw CHOOSES to APPEAR on the beach.
Confusing Bacon Shaw: Azazel! Stop hitting Beast!
Azazel: I do not find this at all suspicious! Sure!
Beast KNOCKS AZAZEL out cold.
Raven, shifting back from the confusing Bacon Shaw form: Finally! I got to do something in this film that wasn't about my relationships to men or about my personal appearance, although, well, I had to imitate a man to do this and only did it to save my ex boyfriend. Suddenly I'm less excited about this.
Bacon Shaw: This world could be ours, my son!
Darth Vader: Yeah, that approach should go great.
Charles: Erik, you are not letting me move in and out of your mind in a gentle yet exciting fashion! Is something wrong? Ouch! Oh, I have to enter Bacon Shaw's mind instead while you PENETRATE his skull with a Nazi coin. Your kinkiness astonishes EVEN ME.
Soviets and Americans: Even though these mutants are fighting and killing one another, and just stopped World War III, it is clear that they shall soon BAN TOGETHER and KILL ALL OF US, so the only thing we can do is NUKE THEM NOW.
Cuba: Gulp!
Magneto: Just give me a moment for a nice speech first, ok?
Soviets and Americans on the warships: Yay! We get to do something AT LAST!
In blatant disrespect to Cuba, HUNDREDS of MISSILES SWARM towards the beach and are STOPPED by the single RAISED hand of Magneto.
Soviets and Americans on warships: Well, then! Back to observing!
Charles: Erik, they were just following orders!
Magneto: Bad choice of words there!
Magneto SENDS MISSILES back towards the ship. Americans and Soviets say their LAST farewells as Charles, UNABLE TO HIDE his true feelings anymore, LEAPS UPON MAGNETO. The two of them ROLL OVER AND OVER on the sand, occasionally PUNCHING EACH OTHER.
Moira: Wait! I've fallen in love with Charles! So, although it's clear that bullets won't work against you, I shall start SHOOTING at you, Magneto.
Magneto TOSSES bullets left, right, and into the center of Charles' back. Everyone SCREAMS. Ignoring ALL medical advice about HOW TO HANDLE spinal cord injuries, Magento falls to the beach, then TAKES CHARLES into his arms, HOLDING HIM CLOSELY and frequently MOVING HIS SPINE in a manner UNAPPROVED OF by emergency medical technicians. Charles LIES in Magento's arms. More INTENSELY LUSTFUL LOOKS are exchanged.
Magento: Oh, Charles! I want you by my side. [Real dialogue.]
Charles: But we can't be together, because, well, that would mean admitting our true feelings!
Magneto: We're holding each other on a romantic beach. I think the audience gets it.
Charles: This is all very dramatic. Any chance for some spinal surgery?
Raven: Charles, will you mind terribly if I head off with Magneto? Not to be mean or anything, but except for his mutant superiority complex he's actually the only non-racist, non-sexist man in this film. And he likes blue.
Charles: …..I'm thinking things won't go far, but, go for it. I can work with the whole bisexual thing.
Charles POINTEDLY does NOT kiss Moira. Magneto TAKES OFF with the EVIL mutants, leaving only white men standing with the GOOD mutants. No one COMMENTS on this in the film.
Charles: I am so shocked and upset by Erik's departure that I can't even push my own wheelchair. Moira, we have a problem. The humans are going to hunt me down! And since the FBI and CIA will apparently be TOO incompetent to search for PROPERTY TAX RECORDS or note this HUGE MANSION from the sky, I must WIPE away your memory, without your permission, so they can never find me! Will it help if I kiss you?
Moira, reporting to the CIA: Oh, yes, that helped.
Moira's CLEAR and FAIRLY POINTLESS crush on Charles FORCES a CIA agent to make a HIGHLY sexist comment, which causes EMMA FROST, who is in the same building, to SNORT WITH DISGUST. Before she can make any FURTHER COMMENTS, her cell is opened by Magneto.
Magneto: Care to join us? I promise, I won't ask you to serve drinks.
Emma Frost: Well. I'm sold.
*Innocent in this film. I think this may be the sole film focused on the Cuban Missile Crisis that didn't once mention Castro. Impressive!
** I am correcting the script here, since Magneto should have said this.
Let's get the important stuff out of the way: yes, I had fun with the film, even though it is not exactly good in many places and is unquestionably and oddly sexist in almost all of its places, has some disability fail at the end, and inexplicably never allows its main couple to just make out already. Mind you, since the film is set in the 1940s and the 1960s, some sexism is to be expected. What's odd, though, is that's not the sexism the film is depicting. Equally oddly, the only non-sexist male in the film is one of the bad guys. The good guys…yeah. And we probably shouldn't get into the equally odd racial and political stuff.
But, and this is important, things blew up!
Anyway. If you want a deep, thoughtful take on the film, try Abigail Nussbaum, who gave this film considerably more intellectual attention than I did. If you want to realize just how hilariously tragic the lives of the X-Men are, try io9's sad summary of their lives. And if you want snark, just keep reading below the cut.
Film OPENS with young Magneto and his parents getting TRAGICALLY DRAGGED OFF to a concentration camp, just like in the first film, only this time, A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE who just happens to be connected within SIX DEGREES of EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD is WATCHING while drinking some nice tea, somewhat LESSENING the impact.
Bacon Shaw: What an odd coincidence that here I am, trying to do some torture for the Nazis, and I just happen to see the sudden appearance of the world's most powerful mutant, even though later calling me in as an expert would have made equal narrative sense.
Meanwhile, young Charles X WAKES UP in a HUGE HOUSE, only DEMONSTRATING the many, many things that will serve to keep HIM AND MAGNETO from inexplicably failing to CONSUMMATE their love with LOTS OF SWEATY MOMENTS later. He HEADS to the kitchen where a lovely blond woman is STANDING in front of a refrigerator.
Charles: Although I live in New York, I shall much later in an earlier film be played by a Brit, so just go with my inexplicable mildly British accent here. Hmm. Although I have the ability to read minds, I shall instead skip that part and immediately guess that you, lovely blond woman, are not my mother because you are trying to be nice to me by feeding me hot chocolate. Who are you?
Raven: I'm blue. I desperately want to be accepted as blue, although you can be forgiven for having a hard time believing this since I will spend most of the movie as blond to SAVE on the special effects budget. Who are you?
Charles: Your new adopted brother! Quick, move the camera around before anyone can start worrying about the legal problems with this!
Bacon Shaw: To distract the audience from my strongly American-accented German, which would otherwise cause them to assume that I am an inept American spy, I shall threaten your mother with death unless you move these coins, Magneto! How much do you love your mother?
Magneto: Apparently not all that much.
Bacon Shaw: I shall now forget all of the tempting, tempting metal in this room and next door, and shoot your mother.
Magento: In response, I shall send objects FLYING through the room and kill two Nazi stooges, but inexplicably fail to even TOUCH you, Bacon Shaw, the actual murderer.
Bacon Shaw: Wonderful! Outstanding! Let's make you still MORE ANGRY! Because everyone likes to see Nazis die.
Magneto: Bored now. Let me flip a coin through the air and dream of the moment, not too long from now, when I shall be able to climb in bed with one hot man. Er. That is, kill Bacon Shaw. Let me send objects flying just to clarify any confusion with that one.
Charles: I not so secretly so long for men that I am reduced to inept and insulting pickups of women, and ignoring my lovely blond or blue foster sister who clearly has the hots for me.
Raven: Not so much the hots, as more wondering why, if we've been raised together, we have totally different accents. And apparently fail to recognize each other in later movies. But enough of that! Mutant! Proud! Would you date me, looking like me?
Charles: I'm apparently the only man not turned on by your legs, even when they are blue. When do I get to jump in bed with a man again? Hmm. On another topic, you're my best friend.
Raven: I'm your only friend.
Charles: I'm sensing this may not bode well.
Magneto: Time to threaten some Swiss bankers!
Swiss banker, in remarkably convincing French given the rest of this film: Hey! I'm a Swiss banker! That means I defend the privacy of Nazis to their deaths!
Magento: Time for some seriously gross dentistry that will convince several audience members they should have skipped the popcorn!
Swiss banker: The Nazis are in Argentina. It's lovely this time of year.
Moira MacTaggert: You may remember me from the comics as a serious, professional and Scottish scientist. Here, I am an inept American CIA spy, so inept that I am investigating inside the United States . To make matters worse, apparently my only spy skill is REMOVING my CLOTHING. On the bright side I too have awesome legs. And now, I shall not at all suspiciously join some strippers. It's not at all suspicious since women will continue to do this THROUGHOUT the entire film.
In an astonishing LACK OF CONTINUITY with the Wolverine film, Emma Frost decides to DEMONSTRATE that point by APPEARING AS A STRIPPER.
Emma Frost: Do look at my awesome boots as I lead you not at all suspiciously through a secret passageway through a gambling table to the secret hideout of the Hellfire Club.
Cranky Colonel: Impressive, if tacky. But I'm not moving those nukes.
Riptide WHIRLS THINGS AROUND.
Cranky Colonel: Or, you know, I could move those nukes.
Magneto: To continue to show my mastery of multiple languages, I shall now speak in Spanish.
Obvious Nazi guys: We're from Dusseldorf! Speak Spanish to us!
Magneto: What a coincidence! I'm also from Dusseldorf!
Obvious Nazi guys: Well, on that friendly note, let's point some guns at you.
Magneto: Or not.
Magneto does WILD and WACKY things to the guns.
Obvious Nazi guys: Hey, we were just following orders. Who are you?
Magneto: It'll sound better in English. I'm Frankenstein's monster!
Obvious Nazi guys DIE as Magneto STALKS OFF towards his enemy. Moira MacTaggert realizes that her only hope is Oxford. Naturally. Charles actually becomes a Professor of sorts.
Charles: Yay! Another woman for me to try this mutation line on!
Moira MacTaggert: Not to interrupt the bad pickup lines, but we kinda need to do some shifting into an action sequence here. Wanna come to the United States and chatter with some dull CIA guys, abandoning your scientific work?
Charles: And get the chance to look at manly guys instead of having to force this pretend interest in women? Sign me up!
Oliver the CIA guy [Oliver Platt; I didn't catch his name in the film]: Marvelous! On the basis of a five minute acquaintance, I shall take the guy who can take over minds and the woman who can disguise herself as any of my agents to my top secret CIA facility and allow them to commandeer a Coast Guard vessel and head out after Bacon Shaw with NO PREPARATIONS whatsoever. There's a reason I'm not the director of the CIA.
Emma Frost: Darling, I think the Coast Guard is about to attack.
Magneto: Never mind the Coast Guard! I'm here! I'm wet! I HAVE SPECIAL EFFECTS! PREPARE TO DIE! Unless, of course, you have a secret submarine!
Bacon Shaw USES his SECRET SUBMARINE.
Magneto, Professor X and the Coast Guard: Curses!
Charles: Wait, is there a wet man in the ocean that I can PUT MY ARMS around and embrace tightly, my head near to his?
Magento: Wait, is there a wet man in the ocean that I can lean against FOREVER AND EVER putting his ARMS AROUND ME? I – I – I thought I was alone!
Charles: You'll never be alone again!
The first of very, very many INTENSE GAY LOOKS ARE EXCHANGED.
Audience member: Wait. Picard WAS GAY TOO?
Oliver the CIA guy: Before this gets TOO pornographic, let me whisk you guys off to our top secret CIA facility, since, of course, nothing says trustworthy more than a man flailing in the ocean trying to sink a secret submarine before unexpectedly finding the love of his life.
Charles: Hi! We're the new mutant force. It's ok, Hank, you can start showing off now.
Hank: Er. Your telepathy showed you that I'm a mutant, but somehow failed to inform you that THIS IS A SECRET?
Charles: Well, it's not as if I've been established as the tactful sort.
Hank, seeing pretty blond girl, decides to SHOW OFF.
Magneto: Oh, Charles. I want to go and kill bad guys! But not if it means –
More INTENSE GAY LOOKS are exchanged, reminding viewers of the BEST PARTS of SMALLVILLE.
Charles: Stay, Erik! STAY!
Shaw and Emma WATCH TV. It is not CLEAR how they are GETTING A SIGNAL given that they are BENEATH LAYERS OF ICE, OCEAN AND STEEL.
Emma: Does it bother you that we are, as a declared straight couple, less convincing than the undeclared gay couple?
Shaw puts on a helmet to BLOCK EMMA'S THOUGHTS: No. Can you fetch me some ice?
Emma Frost: I'm your second in command, your girlfriend, your main negotiator and your chief telepath, but if you're too cheap to hire actual waitstaff, then, sure! And since I'm evil, I'll DELIBERATELY add to the DESTRUCTION of the Arctic Ice Sheet.
Hank TAKES Raven's blood and MOVES IN to KISS HER.
Magneto: Kinky! What's with the bloodletting?
Hank: I'm going to make her into a permanent blonde!
Magneto: Well, I wouldn't change her looks. I like blue. Well, actually, I like Charles, but I'm trying this whole friendliness thing.
Charles: Wait…is my beloved Erik PAYING ATTENTION to the blue chick I've ignored for years even if she's my supposed BEST FRIEND? Quick! Let us start SPYING on mutants to distract him and make him focus on me!
Professor X USES Cerebro to FIND STORM and basically LEAVE HER THERE, even though STORM IS MUCH COOLER THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE FILM. I sulk.
Film: I've just realized. We've gone twenty minutes without featuring a single female stripper. Let's change this.
Obligingly, the next mutant just HAPPENS to WORKING in a STRIP CLUB. Magneto and Charles JUMP INTO A BED TOGETHER and LOOK AT HER.
Angel, the stripper mutant: Double viewing costs extra.
Magneto and Charles: Oh, we're not here to watch you strip. TRUST US.
Magneto and Charles BOUNCE TOGETHER on the BED.
Angel: Well, in that case! Here, I'll strip! I have wings on my back. Why exactly I have decided to HIDE this in a STRIP CLUB where I must CONSTANTLY EXPOSE my NAKED BACK is NOT CLEAR.
Magneto and Charles: Could you leave us in the bed?
Angel: I'm HOVERING HERE.
Banshee: To stay faithful to the spirit of this film, I shall try my own terrible pick-up line on an UNINTERESTED GIRL. Ooooh! Two good looking men who just HAPPEN to have JUST BEEN BOUNCING IN BED TOGETHER!
Alex Summers: Well, I was in solitary confinement, so, whatever.
Darwin: I'm a cab driver. What exactly are you two doing in the back?
Magento and Charles: We just can't help it.
Wolverine: Fuck off! [Real dialogue]
Magneto and Charles exchange ANOTHER DEEP MEANINGFUL LOOK, and take off, presumably to FOLLOW Wolverine's advice. Later, they end up on a surprisingly deserted Lincoln Memorial, PLAYING CHESS, still STARING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.
Charles: I suppose….I suppose we must go and chase bad guys.
Magneto: Well, this is an action film.
Charles and Magneto HEAD into Russia, taking Moira to DEFLECT ANY GAY SPECULATION. They all KNEEL IN THE WOODS and watch Emma Frost, wearing something not usually worn on visits to Russian Generals, visit a Russian General.
Magento: I must attack!
Charles: Moira, I can't – I can't leave him! You do understand!
Since the film has already established that women have only ONE WAY to OBTAIN INFORMATION, Emma Frost starts STRIPPING for the Russian general, even though since she's a TELEPATH, this all seems TERRIBLY unnecessary. As a KINDLY gesture, she gives the RUSSIAN general a SEX FANTASY while she sits, bored. Magento and Professor X ENTER and see her in the chair and the Russian general WRITHING on the bed.
Charles: Oh, Erik. Please tell me you're thinking what I'm thinking.
Magneto: Bondage scene?
Charles: I think it's time for another MEANINGFUL GAY LOOK.
Magneto, DESPERATE TO TURN PROFESSOR X on EVEN MORE, TIES THE DIAMOND BODY of Emma Frost to the foot of the BED using the METAL BED POSTS, and then for ADDED KINKINESS, begins to STRANGLE her with one of the posts, JUST A LITTLE, even though TECHNICALLY, since she's currently MADE OF DIAMOND, her body should be CUTTING THROUGH THE POSTS. Emma Frost WIGGLES SEDUCTIVELY.
Charles: Erik…I don't think I…I mean, she…can take much more of this! Please stop!
Magneto: She hasn't given her safeword.
Charles: But, you're standing in front of a BED and not HOLDING ME! This MUST STOP!
Magneto STOPS, leaving Emma as a FRAGILE woman who will SHATTER if she EVER TURNS INTO A DIAMOND AGAIN, which would have all sorts of SIGNIFICANT MEANING if it weren't ABOUT TO BE IGNORED by the END OF THE FILM.
Charles: We're taking you in for, er, questioning. Yeah. That doesn't sound at all kinky.
Meanwhile, back at the SECRET CIA facility, various CIA agents are SHOWING OFF their PROFESSIONALISM and TOLERANT SPIRIT by pointing fingers at and MAKING FUN of the other mutants.
Hispanic and black mutants: I feel uncomfortable here. Almost as if the film is trying, yet failing, to make a racial statement!
White mutants: Well, to keep THAT from happening, let's close the CURTAINS.
Things go BOOM.
Bacon Shaw: Lead me to the mutants!
Humans: Ok.
Bacon Shaw: Hi! You don't know me, but, there's an upcoming war between mutant and human, and since I'm awesome and have a secret submarine, you might want to think of joining me.
Angel, who happens to be Hispanic: Well, you have a lovely handshake, so, even though you're a Nazi, sure!
Darwin, the sole black mutant/character in the film: Let me sacrifice myself to save the Hispanic girl from her own choices.
White mutants: Sure!
Darwin: DIES.
Audience: Wow, that was an unusually blatant kill off the only black guy in the film early on shot.
Film: In our defense, it's the 1960s.
Audience: Not in your defense, you're SUPPOSED TO BE AN ANTI-RACISM METAPHOR.
Bacon Shaw: If I explode things, can we move on from this?
Audience: Sure!
Bacon Shaw EXPLODES things, leaving the rest of the white mutants SHAKEN and FEARFUL.
Bacon Shaw: Having mangled pretty much every other language in this film, let me tackle Russian! So sorry about the earlier bondage scene –
Russian general: Really not a problem.
Bacon Shaw: Meanwhile, have you thought about starting the Cuban Missile Crisis?
Russian general: No.
Bacon Shaw: Let me switch to English to make my point. Have you thought about starting the Cuban Missile Crisis?
Russian general: Who needs a vacation?
Mutants: Darwin is dead. We are very sad.
Emma Frost is PUT in jail because security is more important than liberty, or something. The metaphor is LOST in the confusion of Emma Frost's BOOTS and tendency to say that TOSSING NUCLEAR WEAPONS AROUND is not, despite appearances, a WAR or anything like that.
Ray Wise: Hi! We might need to nuke Russia.
Charles: We must hide! And where better to hide than in a HUGE mansion EASILY VISIBLE from the sky, LEFT TO ME in MY NAME? Let's start training! Incidentally, who cleans this place and where did they go during all of these top secret training missions?
Magneto: However did you live in such hardship? Although, I must admit, seeing you in this house TOTALLY turns me on. Let's have another MEANINGFUL GAY LOOK.
U.S. and Russia dispatch WARSHIPS for Cuba.
Fidel Castro: You know, I could have sworn I had a larger role in this.
President Kennedy: It's blockade time, people. Drill up!
Charles: Quick, let's start training everyone. Banshee! Go supersonic!
Banshee: Supersonic? I'm using sound waves. How can sound waves travel faster than the speed of sound?
Professor X: Don't ask the scientists tricky questions. Just fall out of the window. Alex Summers! By an astonishing coincidence I just happen to have a large bunker beneath this mansion to help train you!
Magneto: Raven, since I can't have Charles, allow me to take a moment to give you an important life lesson about real beauty and believing you are beautiful even when the world says you aren't.
Hank: And to counter that note, let me put nipples on the statue Alex Summers is about to blow up.
As a supposed part of a TRAINING program, Magneto and Professor X SHARE a memory and ALMOST START making out again.
Charles: Oh, Erik! When you gain your serenity, no one will be able to resist – er, that is, stop – er, that is, resist you! Oh, will we NEVER sleep together?
Magneto: Well, we need to listen to Kennedy's speech first. Hmm. Bacon Shaw has convinced the Soviet and U.S. fleets to GATHER around CUBA with nuclear missiles.
Caribbean coral reefs: We'd like to move to less warzone locations, thanks.
Bacon Shaw: The world is primed for war, and no one can stop me! Plus, I have a stripper mutant by my side sipping champagne. Because we're about to go into battle, we probably shouldn't be getting that drunk, but, you know, practicality has not been my strong point in this film.
Hank: Raven! I have the serum that will turn you from blue to the gorgeous blond that you've been for most of the film in any case!
Raven: Must we hide?
Hank: To point out the bleeding obvious, you've been hiding most of the film. Also, frankly, our effects budget needs to go to missiles, not blue skin. Take the serum!
Charles and Magento: In a failed attempt to REDUCE all of this SEXUAL TENSION between us, we shall now PLAY CHESS while exchanging LUSTFUL LOOKS.
Magento: Screw this peace thing. I'm going to go kill Shaw.
Charles: Did I mention I have a very large bed?
Hank gets ready to end his CGI issues with a single shot of serum. To the surprise of no one, this FAILS miserable. Meanwhile, Magneto ENTERS his bedroom to find a BLONDE Raven sitting on his bed looking very seductive.
Magneto: Um, surely by now even you've realized who my main love interest is in this flick.
Raven: You'd think I would have noticed that, but then again, my entire character is pretty much just based on my relationships with men, so, no. What if I look like this? Or this?
Magneto: Maybe if you looked like Charles….
Raven: What if I turn blue?
Magneto: That works! I can now seduce you without thinking of Charles' delightful skin! Or, um, maybe not. Never mind! Let me release at least some of this sexual tension.
Hank: Before we go off to fight the bad guys, can we have another TOUCHING moment, where all of the X-Men learn to ACCEPT ME for WHO I AM?
Alex Summers/Havok: Sure! Mind if we start calling you Beast?
Touching moment OVER, everyone HEADS to CUBA, here represented by GEORGIA in an effort to gain needed tax revenue and shore up a burgeoning film program.
Moscow: Warships! Don't move! We may be evil Soviets under the influence of an evil mutant, but we don't want nuclear war.
Soviet warship MOVES.
U.S. warship: I think we're going to have to bomb that. Damn it!
Fortunately, the X-Men SWOOP down in a plane wearing nice blue and yellow suits. Charles TAKES over the MIND of a Soviet ship commander, forcing him to SEND A MISSILE into the moving Soviet warship and get ARRESTED even though this was SO NOT HIS FAULT. Americans REJOICE and congratulate themselves for AVOIDING WORLD WAR III even though THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING and continue to IGNORE THE PRACTICAL PROBLEM that much of the assault is now being led by mutants, one of VERY QUESTIONABLE CITIZENSHIP, and even though the film is NOWHERE NEAR THROUGH with its SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET so rejoicing is KINDA PREMATURE.
Bacon Shaw: I sense the presence of mutants, since clearly the HUMANS are TOO INCOMPETENT to stop World War III all by themselves. Turn on the reactor so I can ABSORB ITS POWER and BLAST MUTANTS FROM THE SKY as I HIDE HERE IN MY SECRET SUB!
Mutants: Hmm. We can't see Bacon Shaw anywhere. If only SOMEONE had SONAR!
Lots of Soviet and American warships, presumably EQUIPPED with SONAR, bobble HAPPILY in the water.
Banshee: Or, we could use, you know, me! Plus that will let me do FLYING effects!
Banshee JUMPS out of the PLANE and begins FLYING AROUND, using his SOUND WAVES to SHOW EVERYBODY the presence of a NO LONGER SECRET SUB. The sheer SCIENTIFIC WRONGNESS of this shot SO INFURIATES MAGNETO that he decides to PULL THE SUBMARINE out of the ocean in what is UNQUESTIONABLY THE COOLEST SHOT OF THE FILM, only kinda ruined in effect since IT WAS ALREADY SEEN in all of the trailers. Magneto, still annoyed, decides to FLING the submarine into an INNOCENT CUBA* as the PLANE carrying the X-Men CRASHES into the same beach.
Charles: Erik! Erik! Tell me you are ok!
Magneto: Oh, the agony! Do I CHASE AFTER my MORTAL ENEMY, or MAKE OUT with CHARLES on this LOVELY if RATHER DAMAGED BEACH? Oh, well, if Lost taught us anything, it was the fickleness of love next to airplane wreckage. Off I go to FACE Bacon Shaw ALONE!
Beast, Havok and Banshee HEAD OFF to FIGHT BAD GUYS on the U.S. warship, quite POSSIBLY because this is where the HOT STRIPPER MUTANT CHICK is FLYING AROUND NOT WEARING MUCH, in contrast to all of the other PRETTY FULLY CLOTHED MUTANTS. Raven and Moira stay behind, just because.
Charles: I must LOSE myself in Erik's beautiful, beautiful mind and memories. And TRY not to notice that we are ON A ROMANTIC BEACH!
Magneto: I can't find Bacon Shaw! I've searched this place everywhere!
Bacon Shaw OPENS a SECRET DOOR.
Magento: You know, you think I'd have sensed that.
Mutants BATTLE to see WHO has the SUPERIOR SPECIAL EFFECTS. Spoiler: the HAIR DRESSING DEPARTMENT, failing to account for the WIND DIRECTION, LOSES.
Americans and Russians: So, although we're all on fully equipped warships with nuclear weapons, we'll just…float around and watch. Anybody got a beer?
Bacon Shaw: Why are you on their side, Magneto? We are superior mutants!
Magneto: Well, for one thing, I can't seem to stop STARING into CHARLES' EYES. For another thing, you killed my mother. Prepare to die.**
Bacon Shaw: Well, yes, that sucked. But I did it for you! I had to expand your powers!
Confusingly, at this point, Bacon Shaw CHOOSES to APPEAR on the beach.
Confusing Bacon Shaw: Azazel! Stop hitting Beast!
Azazel: I do not find this at all suspicious! Sure!
Beast KNOCKS AZAZEL out cold.
Raven, shifting back from the confusing Bacon Shaw form: Finally! I got to do something in this film that wasn't about my relationships to men or about my personal appearance, although, well, I had to imitate a man to do this and only did it to save my ex boyfriend. Suddenly I'm less excited about this.
Bacon Shaw: This world could be ours, my son!
Darth Vader: Yeah, that approach should go great.
Charles: Erik, you are not letting me move in and out of your mind in a gentle yet exciting fashion! Is something wrong? Ouch! Oh, I have to enter Bacon Shaw's mind instead while you PENETRATE his skull with a Nazi coin. Your kinkiness astonishes EVEN ME.
Soviets and Americans: Even though these mutants are fighting and killing one another, and just stopped World War III, it is clear that they shall soon BAN TOGETHER and KILL ALL OF US, so the only thing we can do is NUKE THEM NOW.
Cuba: Gulp!
Magneto: Just give me a moment for a nice speech first, ok?
Soviets and Americans on the warships: Yay! We get to do something AT LAST!
In blatant disrespect to Cuba, HUNDREDS of MISSILES SWARM towards the beach and are STOPPED by the single RAISED hand of Magneto.
Soviets and Americans on warships: Well, then! Back to observing!
Charles: Erik, they were just following orders!
Magneto: Bad choice of words there!
Magneto SENDS MISSILES back towards the ship. Americans and Soviets say their LAST farewells as Charles, UNABLE TO HIDE his true feelings anymore, LEAPS UPON MAGNETO. The two of them ROLL OVER AND OVER on the sand, occasionally PUNCHING EACH OTHER.
Moira: Wait! I've fallen in love with Charles! So, although it's clear that bullets won't work against you, I shall start SHOOTING at you, Magneto.
Magneto TOSSES bullets left, right, and into the center of Charles' back. Everyone SCREAMS. Ignoring ALL medical advice about HOW TO HANDLE spinal cord injuries, Magento falls to the beach, then TAKES CHARLES into his arms, HOLDING HIM CLOSELY and frequently MOVING HIS SPINE in a manner UNAPPROVED OF by emergency medical technicians. Charles LIES in Magento's arms. More INTENSELY LUSTFUL LOOKS are exchanged.
Magento: Oh, Charles! I want you by my side. [Real dialogue.]
Charles: But we can't be together, because, well, that would mean admitting our true feelings!
Magneto: We're holding each other on a romantic beach. I think the audience gets it.
Charles: This is all very dramatic. Any chance for some spinal surgery?
Raven: Charles, will you mind terribly if I head off with Magneto? Not to be mean or anything, but except for his mutant superiority complex he's actually the only non-racist, non-sexist man in this film. And he likes blue.
Charles: …..I'm thinking things won't go far, but, go for it. I can work with the whole bisexual thing.
Charles POINTEDLY does NOT kiss Moira. Magneto TAKES OFF with the EVIL mutants, leaving only white men standing with the GOOD mutants. No one COMMENTS on this in the film.
Charles: I am so shocked and upset by Erik's departure that I can't even push my own wheelchair. Moira, we have a problem. The humans are going to hunt me down! And since the FBI and CIA will apparently be TOO incompetent to search for PROPERTY TAX RECORDS or note this HUGE MANSION from the sky, I must WIPE away your memory, without your permission, so they can never find me! Will it help if I kiss you?
Moira, reporting to the CIA: Oh, yes, that helped.
Moira's CLEAR and FAIRLY POINTLESS crush on Charles FORCES a CIA agent to make a HIGHLY sexist comment, which causes EMMA FROST, who is in the same building, to SNORT WITH DISGUST. Before she can make any FURTHER COMMENTS, her cell is opened by Magneto.
Magneto: Care to join us? I promise, I won't ask you to serve drinks.
Emma Frost: Well. I'm sold.
*Innocent in this film. I think this may be the sole film focused on the Cuban Missile Crisis that didn't once mention Castro. Impressive!
** I am correcting the script here, since Magneto should have said this.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-06-15 10:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-06-15 10:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-06-15 10:34 pm (UTC)I'm still giggling.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-28 09:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-29 01:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-15 04:18 pm (UTC)(For some inexplicable reason, I have started shipping Charles/Erik like mad, even while being appalled by this movie's many moments of genderfail, racefail, historyfail, etc. So your post speaks to me on many, many levels.)
Kudos from a belated admirer!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-16 02:27 am (UTC)Glad you enjoyed the post!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-16 02:34 am (UTC)Haha, yes--the film is just a giant ship-generating engine. I guess the "inexplicable" part is simply why I've become so invested in Charles/Erik, considering how ludicrous (and often offensive) the film is as a whole. But, yes, one can always dream of a less-annoying Charles. *smile*