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Australia (the 2008 film)
Sep. 15th, 2011 12:52 pmThis is the movie that Russell Crowe reportedly walked out on, and honestly, after seeing it, who can blame him? I am imagining the meeting between the producers and script writers now:
Script writer 1: We've got a wildly expensive idea for a movie for you. It's set in Australia!
Producer 1: Ok, cue the budget for kangaroos. What's the story?
Script writer 2: A prim young British aristocrat arrives in Australia and realizes that to avenge her husband's murder, she has to take part in a cattle drive across the Badlands of Australia as the kangaroos look on HELPLESSLY in the background! Fortunately, a hot cattle drover is THERE to help her. We're calling him Drover for the laughs. (Really. Everyone calls him Drover. I was assuming for the laughs.) They can even kiss in the rain.
Producer 2: Hmm. Not sure that's enough story.
Script writer 1: Fortunately, the Japanese are invading!
Producer 1: During the cattle drive?
Script writer 2: No, after. Because, you know, bombing runs are tough on the cows, and we want to use Real Cows. For realism. To go along with the Fake Japanese Airplanes and British Warships we'll be using later.
Producer 2: I dunno. See, I don't think Australia, in World War II, had enough going on, what with Japanese bombings and so on. People need something big.
Script writer 1: Well, I suppose we could throw in a third plot, touchingly and respectfully showing the tragedy of the aboriginal Australian population and their forced cultural assimilation as the Japanese approach, complete with bar fights!
Producer 1: Sounds like a bit of a downer.
Script writer 2: What if, while all the evil characters are happily comparing the aboriginal Australians to children, we, you know, go deep and cast the main aboriginal Australian as a child? With a nice added primitive aboriginal Australian in the background chatting at the wind and lugging a spear around. We can even throw in a nice lesson about racism!
Producer 2: Which is?
Script writer 1: If white people mistreat aboriginal Australians, the aborigines will get shot by Japanese!
Producer 1: That's nice.
Script writer 2: Plus, this will give us the chance to have the adorable aboriginal kid stop a cattle stampede by wiggling his fingers.
Producer 2: I dunno. I'm just not feeling it yet. Got any villains?
Script writer 1: Apart from, you know, the Japanese invaders and the hellish, hellish Australian weather that we'll be depicting through careful CGI imagery?
Producer 1: Yeah. We just don't think that's enough.
Script writer 2: How about an over-the-top villain who for some reason wants to take on still more cattle on the eve of a freaking invasion AND is racist AND also fathered the cute little aboriginal kid?
Producer 1: Wait, so the aboriginal kid –
Script writer 1: Is actually half-caste, yes! Just ADDS TO THE DRAMA.
Producer 1: Or...not.
Script writer 2: We can have the villain twirl his moustache!
Producer 1: Or...not.
Script writer 1: Ok, we'll lose the moustache. But I guarantee you'll want it back later, when the villain gets ready to kill all of the cute little orphans that inexplicably survived the Japanese bombing attack.
Producer 2: But SOMEONE dies, right?
Script writer 2: A couple minor characters, sure. And to add more tension, we can even pretend to kill one of the leads off at one point, leading to a TOUCHING MOMENT against a SMOKE FILLED SCREEN.
Script writer 1: Plus, we've filled in any potential dull moments with Amusing Stock Characters, including the Well-Meaning Drunk Guy Who Gets Run Over By Cows; the Chinese Guy With Amusing Mispronunciations of Words; the Other Wise Black Guy; the Sassy Black Woman; the Black Woman Who Dies For a Poignant Moment; the Mean Bartender; and some Disapproving Stuck Up British Socialites In Australia For Unexplained Reasons.
Producer 1: Hmm. I'm just not sure -- cattle stampede, World War II, adorable children, drinking, vengeance for a husband's murder, a mysterious Australian bushman, various spear throwing and excessively fake looking bombing -– do you really think you'll be able to fill an entire move with just this?
Script writer 2: Well, we've thrown in Hugh Jackman's naked chest.
Producer 3: And Nicole Kidman?
Script writer 1: She's promised to look into the camera without blinking a lot.
Script writer 2: And everybody will sing from The Wizard of Oz. A lot.*
Producer 1: Well. I'm sold.
To be fair, when the film isn't focused on little CGI boats and planes, it looks magnificent. And the actors do what they can with the very limited script and dialogue (although you get the distinct impression that Jackman wanted huge changes to the script). Kidman and Jackman even manage chemistry together. The actor playing the aboriginal kid is cute and will hopefully manage to have a career beyond this. And I have to admit that I fell over laughing when the response to the Japanese bombing was to play "Somewhere – OVER THE RAINBOW!" On a little harmonica. It is a moment of utter if unintentional awesomeness.
And to be further fair, had the film focused on just one storyline – the cattle drive, World War II, or aboriginal assimilation, combining any of these with the epic romance, it might have worked. As it was –
Well. It had a cute kid playing "Over the Rainbow" on the harmonica as the Japanese were bombing everything. Great stuff. Plus, you know, Hugh Jackman's chest. There's something to be said for that.
*Er, not that they could. A tiny, tiny bit of research would have shown that The Wizard of Oz film had not, in fact, been shown in Australia by the events depicted in this movie. But as I've always tried to say, Oz is magical and even defies time and geography, so I'm willing to let this one go.
Script writer 1: We've got a wildly expensive idea for a movie for you. It's set in Australia!
Producer 1: Ok, cue the budget for kangaroos. What's the story?
Script writer 2: A prim young British aristocrat arrives in Australia and realizes that to avenge her husband's murder, she has to take part in a cattle drive across the Badlands of Australia as the kangaroos look on HELPLESSLY in the background! Fortunately, a hot cattle drover is THERE to help her. We're calling him Drover for the laughs. (Really. Everyone calls him Drover. I was assuming for the laughs.) They can even kiss in the rain.
Producer 2: Hmm. Not sure that's enough story.
Script writer 1: Fortunately, the Japanese are invading!
Producer 1: During the cattle drive?
Script writer 2: No, after. Because, you know, bombing runs are tough on the cows, and we want to use Real Cows. For realism. To go along with the Fake Japanese Airplanes and British Warships we'll be using later.
Producer 2: I dunno. See, I don't think Australia, in World War II, had enough going on, what with Japanese bombings and so on. People need something big.
Script writer 1: Well, I suppose we could throw in a third plot, touchingly and respectfully showing the tragedy of the aboriginal Australian population and their forced cultural assimilation as the Japanese approach, complete with bar fights!
Producer 1: Sounds like a bit of a downer.
Script writer 2: What if, while all the evil characters are happily comparing the aboriginal Australians to children, we, you know, go deep and cast the main aboriginal Australian as a child? With a nice added primitive aboriginal Australian in the background chatting at the wind and lugging a spear around. We can even throw in a nice lesson about racism!
Producer 2: Which is?
Script writer 1: If white people mistreat aboriginal Australians, the aborigines will get shot by Japanese!
Producer 1: That's nice.
Script writer 2: Plus, this will give us the chance to have the adorable aboriginal kid stop a cattle stampede by wiggling his fingers.
Producer 2: I dunno. I'm just not feeling it yet. Got any villains?
Script writer 1: Apart from, you know, the Japanese invaders and the hellish, hellish Australian weather that we'll be depicting through careful CGI imagery?
Producer 1: Yeah. We just don't think that's enough.
Script writer 2: How about an over-the-top villain who for some reason wants to take on still more cattle on the eve of a freaking invasion AND is racist AND also fathered the cute little aboriginal kid?
Producer 1: Wait, so the aboriginal kid –
Script writer 1: Is actually half-caste, yes! Just ADDS TO THE DRAMA.
Producer 1: Or...not.
Script writer 2: We can have the villain twirl his moustache!
Producer 1: Or...not.
Script writer 1: Ok, we'll lose the moustache. But I guarantee you'll want it back later, when the villain gets ready to kill all of the cute little orphans that inexplicably survived the Japanese bombing attack.
Producer 2: But SOMEONE dies, right?
Script writer 2: A couple minor characters, sure. And to add more tension, we can even pretend to kill one of the leads off at one point, leading to a TOUCHING MOMENT against a SMOKE FILLED SCREEN.
Script writer 1: Plus, we've filled in any potential dull moments with Amusing Stock Characters, including the Well-Meaning Drunk Guy Who Gets Run Over By Cows; the Chinese Guy With Amusing Mispronunciations of Words; the Other Wise Black Guy; the Sassy Black Woman; the Black Woman Who Dies For a Poignant Moment; the Mean Bartender; and some Disapproving Stuck Up British Socialites In Australia For Unexplained Reasons.
Producer 1: Hmm. I'm just not sure -- cattle stampede, World War II, adorable children, drinking, vengeance for a husband's murder, a mysterious Australian bushman, various spear throwing and excessively fake looking bombing -– do you really think you'll be able to fill an entire move with just this?
Script writer 2: Well, we've thrown in Hugh Jackman's naked chest.
Producer 3: And Nicole Kidman?
Script writer 1: She's promised to look into the camera without blinking a lot.
Script writer 2: And everybody will sing from The Wizard of Oz. A lot.*
Producer 1: Well. I'm sold.
To be fair, when the film isn't focused on little CGI boats and planes, it looks magnificent. And the actors do what they can with the very limited script and dialogue (although you get the distinct impression that Jackman wanted huge changes to the script). Kidman and Jackman even manage chemistry together. The actor playing the aboriginal kid is cute and will hopefully manage to have a career beyond this. And I have to admit that I fell over laughing when the response to the Japanese bombing was to play "Somewhere – OVER THE RAINBOW!" On a little harmonica. It is a moment of utter if unintentional awesomeness.
And to be further fair, had the film focused on just one storyline – the cattle drive, World War II, or aboriginal assimilation, combining any of these with the epic romance, it might have worked. As it was –
Well. It had a cute kid playing "Over the Rainbow" on the harmonica as the Japanese were bombing everything. Great stuff. Plus, you know, Hugh Jackman's chest. There's something to be said for that.
*Er, not that they could. A tiny, tiny bit of research would have shown that The Wizard of Oz film had not, in fact, been shown in Australia by the events depicted in this movie. But as I've always tried to say, Oz is magical and even defies time and geography, so I'm willing to let this one go.