Snow White and the Huntsman
Jun. 5th, 2012 08:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessWithout trying to, I happened to watch this in a theatre one quarter filled with a generally appreciative and polite audience of employees of Universal Studios and excited Twilight fans whose in and post film comments perhaps colored my snark here. (Spoiler: the Twilight fans all felt, without exception, that Twilight is a much, much better movie, a verdict that I shall not comment on further.)
Anyway. This, as the Twilight fans agreed, is a Film With Problems. Not visual problems – it looks great throughout and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we were all just as glad not to have this in 3D. But script problems. Acting problems. (Particularly with Kristen Stewart, where the kindest word I can use is "miscast.") Turning Ray Winstone – yes, that Ray Winstone – into a dwarf problems. Unexpected Bambi and stealing from Japanese anime problems. Accent problems. Christianity problems. (Seriously, film. What?) Snow White not being particularly likeable problems. Me spending the film cheering on the Evil Queen problems.*
As such, it needs snark. A lot of snark.
Movie PROUDLY announces that this is Universal's 100th anniversary year. Our audience, and probably ONLY our audience, erupts in UNEXPECTED CHEERS and yells GO MUMMY GO HARRY POTTER before going silent for MOST OF THE REST OF THE FILM. This does, however, make the rest of us MISS some of the ESTABLISHING FAIRY TALE NARRATIVE about SPLASHING BLOOD on SNOW and the STRENGTH of ROSES.
Snow White is BORN. Oddly enough for the ONLY CHILD of a KING with WARS to FIGHT, she is pretty much allowed to run around wild with a kid who I originally TOOK for a PEASANT CHILD but who will eventually be revealed to be a Duke's SON called William, without any ACCOMPANYING GUARDS or servants or anything. On the bright side this allows William to FEED HER UNMAGICAL APPLES and also allows her to bring DYING BIRDS to her mother.
Not-yet-dead-queen: You possess rare beauty inside, where it counts! I must say this, to contract the moral lessons that will be offered later, and also, because later, absolutely nobody will believe this. Well, in the audience. Fortunately, the film will have professional actors, who can professionally pretend.
Queen DIES.
King: I am so upset about this, evil invading soldiers will SEIZE their chance to INVADE, allowing us to REENACT the opening scenes from Gladiator only with MORE FOG and MEDIEVAL LOOKING ARMOR! Oh, look, a woman chained up in a wagon. How hot. Let's get married.
Ravenna: Hi, I'm Ravenna, the soon to be Evil Queen. Let's just get the BIGGEST PROBLEM with my storyline out of the way: throughout this flick, I will be HANDS DOWN the HOTTEST WOMAN on the screen and far better looking than Snow White, a problem since it's SUPPOSED TO BE the OTHER WAY AROUND. Meanwhile, let me just be evil for a bit as I am dressed in the first of many FABULOUS outfits! Oh, little Snow White. I also lost my mother. You and I, we share a bond! Kinda!
Despite the fact that we have just spent EXCRUCIATING seconds watching Ravenna GET DRESSED, apparently for the wedding and coronation, in the next scene, apparently the wedding and coronation, she is wearing yet ANOTHER dress, making us wonder WHAT THE POINT WAS. Snow White follows AWKWARDLY in an EVEN MORE POINTLESS dress. The focus on DRESSES rather LETS US KNOW that NOT MUCH ELSE is HAPPENING HERE.
King: My new queen! At last we are in bed together! You will be the death of me!
Evil Queen: Well, I could enjoy the sex. Or, I could just kill you in a NOTABLY PHALLIC MANNER, which will somehow squeak through and get us the PG-13 rating that NUDITY WOULD TAKE AWAY. Oooooh. That felt good. This film should fill MORE DEATHS with SEXUAL SYMBOLISM.
Film: Duly noted.
Little Snow White SEES her father's corpse and not surprisingly FREAKS out and starts running and running. She is ALMOST SAVED by a little shrieking WILLIAM (who, remember, is NOT the PEASANT BOY we all THOUGHT HE was) and his father only NOT REALLY. Little William and the DUKE ride off, off, off to more pleasant lands and the rest of the movie while little Snow White and others remain TRAPPED behind the castle portcullis. William screams so we know this WASN'T HIS FAULT at all, really.
Queen: Well, that was fun. Time to bring in the mirror!
Mirror ARRIVES and turns out to be a....large gong. Audience giggles maniacally and is only hushed when the gong MELTS into liquid and SLITHERS towards the QUEEN, to rise into a VAGUELY HUMANOID SHAPE.
Mirror: Is there no end to your power and beauty?
Film narrator: Well, maybe not, but the kingdom's agriculture is at an end.
Time PASSES. We see a now grown-up SNOW WHITE, looking DECENTLY FED for a prisoner in a kingdom where in theory NOTHING HAS BEEN GROWING for YEARS, trying to make a little fire to WARM UP. Also she has lots and lots of beeswax candles, although it's NOT CLEAR HOW since BEES, TOO, need LIVING PLANTS.
Snow White: I shall now...say the Lord's Prayer.
Greta: Since the queen's magical methods and evil have not been obvious enough SO FAR, I shall arrive in all of my PATHETIC and INNOCENT beauty. Hi, Snow. So, how's things? We thought you were dead.
Snow White: No, just collecting candles.
Evil Queen: Now, let me consume some raw hearts of birds.
Audience: Um, what?
Evil Queen: Remember when we were beggars? Am I not kinder than that? Let me vanish, nude except for my crown, into this white mineral bath. I'm keeping my crown on so that everyone will know I'm Still Queen. And now, time for another marvelous dress, this one made of metal!
Handsome young man: Fetching though that is, I'm going to try to kill you anyway, because you're evil and the plot isn't really going anywhere.
Evil Queen: Then I shall CLAW OUT YOUR HEART. With MY HAND.
Audience: Maybe getting snacks for the movie wasn't such a great idea.
Film: To distract everyone, a shot of THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY! With ominous music.
Queen: Damn! All that heart stealing has made me old again. Please tell me we have a convenient young girl around whose beauty I can drain.
Queen's definitely incestuous brother: You're still hot! Plus, I just happen to have a convenient young girl around whose beauty you can drain.
A terrified Greta is DRAGGED in to have her YOUTH and BEAUTY all DRAINED AWAY thanks to computer CGI. The music ASSURES us this is all Very Sad.
Mirror: Not to interrupt all the youth draining, but you have a bit of a problem. Snow White. On the bright side, if you eat her heart, you'll live forever.
Evil Queen: Incestuous brother! Bring me Snow White's heart!
Snow White: Meanwhile, for apparently the first time ever, I shall look outside my window and notice a LOOSE NAIL which has been inexplicably LEFT IN THE STONE, apparently for MONTHS without me noticing. Fortunately the rest of the plot will not require me to be observant.
Incestuous Brother: Oh, Snow White! Have I woken you?
Snow White: No. Er. Do you realize that you've NEVER been here before? The same way I've NEVER SEEN this CONVENIENT NAIL before?
Incestuous Brother: Are you afraid of me?
Snow White: Oddly, no. Just of your sister.
Incestuous Brother: Why?
Snow White: Because in mere seconds I'm going to wound you with this nail and lock you in the dungeon.
Greta: Don't mind me. I'll just starve here.
The next few minutes are KINDA DIZZYING and involve a LOT OF RUNNING AROUND and SWIFTLY MOVING CAMERAWORK. Snow White DECIDES to DIVE into the sewers since they CONVENIENTLY ENOUGH have a HOLE big enough for HER but not the SOLDIERS CHASING HER. The sewers also ALLOW her to take a GLORIOUS DIVE into the OCEAN, showing us that she STILL HAS HER STOCKINGS ON, amazingly WITHOUT ANY HOLES despite the whole dungeon living, running through the castle and diving into sewers thing. Fortunately, because this is still EARLY in the film, leaping INTO the ocean DOES NOT KILL HER. Birds SHOW UP to guide her to a WHITE HORSE, which she gets on because a WHITE HORSE is not at all noticeable.
Snow White: I'll just, um, ride the horse through the muddy village then.
Villagers: Even though we are starving, and capturing you would get us lots of money PLUS bonus horsemeat, we'll just...let you go.
Snow White RIDES AND RIDES before ABANDONING the horse in a PUDDLE.
Fog: I suspect, if you add me, and lots of me, you might make this scene suspenseful.
Snow White FALLS on some DEAD BIRDS.
Audience: SERIOUSLY?
Fog: Trying here!
Film: Ok, what if we just have Snow White FALL ON SOME CREEPING CRAWLING BUGS?
Movie theatres everywhere: This is a SUMMER film. We are TRYING to sell popcorn, damn it!
Audience: See, this is why we preferred Twilight.
Film: What about a BAT THING?
Audience: ENOUGH ALREADY.
Fortunately, before the AUDIENCE TOTALLY LOSES IT, Snow White PASSES OUT.
Queen: It is time for me to emote! LOUDLY! YOU PEOPLE GENERALLY SUCK! No one is loyal to me! Why, I can't figure out. I mean, I've made everything into this nice uniform black and grey and when I kill people, I do it quickly.
Incestuous Brother: This makes me sad. But, instead of focusing on our relationship issues, or suggesting we GET COUNSELING, I shall instead just inform you that Snow White has landed on some dead birds in the Dark Forest.
Queen: Kind of a problem, given that I have NO POWER THERE! I must SCREAM MORE! EMOTE! EMOTE! EMOTE! Find me someone who can ENTER THE FOREST!
Thor the Huntsman: Hi, I'm Thor, supposedly a Huntsman although it's not clear what I actually hunt. [He wasn't given a name, so I'm sticking with Thor.] Later, I will have the only thing remotely resembling a Character Arc and Genuine Humor in the entire film. For now, I'm a bit busy with getting into drunken mudfights here.
Incestuous Brother and Soldiers: Yes, but this film desperately needs an entertaining character, so we need you to come along now.
Queen: Thor, you are a drunkard and a complete failure. Nonetheless, I am choosing you to head after this prisoner who has escaped to the Dark Forest!
Thor: Why should I, when I could just, you know, stand here and snark and get punched in the stomach instead?
Queen: Because if you do, I shall restore your dead wife!
Thor: Kinky! Ok, although I have no reason to believe you can actually DO this, let's go for it. Tell me who I'm chasing again and why she's important?
Queen: And ruin the chance for a bad attempt at banter AND a dramatic reveal of this later? No way.
Thor LEADS everyone out to the Dark Forest, which at the moment seems to be only a FEW HOURS away. This is important since later it will seem to be SEVERAL hours or even DAYS away.
Snow White: Since I can't act, I'll just...hide under this tree. That should work.
Thor: Not really!
Snow White: The queen will kill me and rip out my heart! You can't give me back to her! Am I sounding at all convincing here?
Thor: No. Right! I have Snow White! Now, where's my re-animated dead wife?
Incestuous Brother: Because I FAILED Leadership 101 and basic human resource management, I'll just tell you the truth that the queen isn't bringing your wife back at all, even though this will remove any incentive you had to work with us.
Thor: Damn it!
Dark forest apparently tries to KILL Incestuous Brother who EMOTES in response.
Thor: Ok, tell me why the queen wants you dead!
Snow White: It won't be DRAMATIC enough if I tell you that now! Instead, I'll just tell you that I have to get to the Duke's castle! I'll pay you lots of gold!
Thor: Well, I don't trust you, but, sure. Let's spit.
Random old guy: Although I'm not at all sure how I came across this little tidbit of news, I can tell you, oh Duke, that the princess is alive! Unfortunately, the queen can't be killed.
William: Hi! I'm back. In the intervening years, I've turned into Robin Hood, because this film doesn't have enough films to borrow from already. Wait – Snow White's alive? Yes!
William and his father have a nice family argument before William RUSHES OFF to SAVE Snow White, who is now ENCOUNTERING SOME SNAKES, which is less exciting than it sounds.
Thor: Perhaps if I give you some sideways looks, the audience will assume that I am FEELING ATTRACTED TO YOU.
Audience: No.
Thor: What does a young girl like you know about sorrow?
Snow White: Again, we have this whole "I need to wait until the right dramatic moment" thing going on, or I'd tell you. So sorry.
William: Because I am clearly incapable of finding Snow White by myself, I shall instead join the evil band of hunters, led by Incestuous Brother, and join in with their Evil Doings as they hunt her. That should go well.
Incestuous Brother: Even though I met you years back, and you are the son of our most dangerous enemy, thus, someone I should, you know, recognize, welcome to our little band! Flame on!
Evil Queen: Sniffle. The movie has DESERTED me and is now a LOT LESS FUN. I shall pluck this flower and KILL IT, in a symbolic sign of how the SCRIPT is killing ALL OF THE SUSPENSE.
Thor: Wait. It just occurred to me, or the scriptwriters, whichever, that if you're going to kill the Evil Queen later, someone needs to show you how. So, although we're being SORTA CHASED through a Dark Forest and someone WANTS TO KILL you and we haven't eaten or slept in days, let's pause for me to demonstrate how to push a dagger through someone's heart in a really phallic manner.
To lengthen the movie, Snow White and Thor step on the nose of a troll, which begins a TROLL FIGHT.
Snow White: To end this fight, I shall just make googly eyes at the troll.
Thor: Hmm. I wonder if this ability to tame monsters with your eyes MEANS something.
Fog: Hi! It's me again. This isn't going to be a problem for you, is it? I mean, the whole not being able to see a thing on the screen thing?
Scarred boat people: Hi! We're from a village of only women, which is not as SEXY or FEMINIST as it might sound.
Scarred woman to Thor: You don't know who she is, do you?
Thor: Why didn't you TELL me this earlier? I helped you make GOOGLY eyes at a troll!
Snow White: Well, for one, when we met, you were trying to hand me over to people who wanted to kill me. For two, this whole dramatic reveal thing.
Thor: We may have flopped on two. Yay! More fog!
Scarred boat woman: We have deliberately scarred ourselves so that we will STOP BEING BEAUTIFUL and therefore no longer be TARGETS FOR THE QUEEN. Try not to think about this too much.
Thor: Everyone I've cared about has been TAKEN AWAY from me! She's SAFER WITH YOU! I shall now stalk off dramatically into the fog!
Film: Allow me to tease the audience with a hint of SUN! Ha! Nope, not sun, but FLAME!
Incestuous Brother and William arrive, setting EVERYTHING on FIRE with FLAMING ARROWS. William ALMOST MAYBE SEES Snow White THROUGH THE SMOKE but this is NOT AT ALL CLEAR, much like THE REST OF THE CAMERAWORK. Snow White and the scarred women hurry to some VERY SLOW BOATS.
Thor: Even though I JUST SAID that Snow White is BETTER OFF without me, I shall RUSH TO THE BOATS and SAVE HER, incidentally removing her from both William AND a possible CHASE SCENE! Come, Snow White! Race with me into the corn fields! The smoke and fog shall help HIDE US.
Fog: And you thought I was just here to add EMOTIONAL WEIGHT.
Snow White and Thor COLLAPSE in fog. What could be an INTERESTING discussion is INTERRUPTED BY DWARFS.
Dwarfs: Hi! We're the Eight Dwarfs. We certainly hope this doesn't PORTEND ANYTHING, like, say, A DRAMATIC DEATH. Thanks to computer technology, we have the bodies of little people and the faces of British Character actors! We hope this doesn't bother anyone.**
Currently Blind Dwarf***: She is OF the blood! She can bring an END to the darkness! And MAYBE THE FOG!
Film: Not the fog!!! NOT THE FOG! I CAN'T HAVE A SCENE WITHOUT THE FOG!
Incestuous Brother and William: We hate to interrupt this scintillating political conversation, but we have HUNTING to do.
Dwarfs, Thor and Snow White, tracked by the EVIL GUYS and WILLIAM, flee into an enchanted forest, where they are GREETED BY SUSPICIOUSLY CUTE SQUIRRELS and flying mushrooms. Snow White is AWED by the fairies.
Thor: Ok, let's try this again. I am giving Snow White a MEANINGFUL LOOK. Are you buying my growing love and passion for her yet?
Audience: No.
Dwarfs WHINE that they no longer work in the mines and can't even work in the circus anymore. For some reason this leads to the PLAYING of CHEERFUL DANCE MUSIC and a VERY AWKWARD SCENE involving a dwarf, Snow White, and Snow White's breasts.
Snow White: Hmm. Has anyone else noticed that for a supposedly feminist recasting of this tale, I seem to spend a lot of time just sitting around having men talk at me?
In YET ANOTHER scene we should probably NOT EXAMINE too closely, oddly ANDOGYNOUS yet NAKED fairies without any real genitals, to preserve the film's PG -13 rating, are BORN FROM BIRDS. Audience BURSTS INTO MERRY LAUGHTER. More SUSPICIOUSLY CUTE squirrels and BUNNIES appear.
Sun: Hi! It's me! No, really this time, though I can understand your skepticism.
Snow White walks THROUGH the bunnies. In a scene suspiciously like Princess Mononoke, Snow White APPROACHES a white stag, which KNEELS to her in a nice folkloric touch as FAIRIES and MUSHROOMS REJOICE. Fortunately, before anyone can become TOO ILL, the bad guys SHOOT the stag, leading to MORE and MORE RUNNING.
William: Wait! I realize I look SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A BAD GUY here, given all of my earlier LIGHTING THINGS ON FIRE and KILLING PEOPLE, but, it's William! Your beloved childhood friend with the apple thing! No, really!
Thor: While this delightful reunion is going on, I shall more usefully KILL Incestuous Brother, slamming him AGAINST a stump, allowing one well rounded and thick BRANCH to EXTEND OUT JUST BENEATH HIS CROTCH strongly resembling SOMETHING that DOESN'T BELONG IN A NICE FAMILY BLOG. You'd think in a film with this much phallic symbolism I'd be getting laid more.
Queen: Just to go with that symbolism, I shall now WRITHE, and GYRE, and BREATHE VERY VERY HARD and PANT and MOAN.
Thor: Maybe we should let some characters actually get laid.
Eighth dwarf: Meanwhile, here I am, all cheerfully hanging out and stuff – no, I'm dead. You'd think, given the fairy tale, that someone should have seen that coming. Ha ha. Coming. I just saw how the arrow is pointing and the way the camera is looking at it.
Thor: SERIOUSLY!
Since Snow White, the dwarfs, Thor and now William are all being HUNTED by the queen, they naturally LIGHT A HUGE FIRE with SMOKE GOING EVERYWHERE so they can PROPERLY BURN the eighth dwarf before SETTING OFF ON THEIR SAD MONTAGE bit strongly inspired by Lord of the Rings. Snow White KINDA CRIES if not altogether CONVINCINGLY so we can see that this is GENUINELY SAD.
Film: Hmm. So, we have action! We had singing dwarves! We had dancing mushrooms! And helicopter shots! What are we missing? Right! A love triangle! Thor! Watch William and Snow White have some NOT VERY SIGNIFICANT dialogue! William! Intercept some NOT VERY SIGNIFICANT looks between Thor and Snow White. Snow White! Try to look interested! Ok, try to look as if you REMEMBER THE CAMERA IS ON AND FILMING YOU.
Thor: Maybe if I try another SIDEWAYS look!
Audience: No.
Although it took William only about ONE DAY to reach the EVIL QUEEN'S castle and the Evil Forest earlier in the film, it now takes EVERYONE ELSE days and days (apparently) to reach William's home. It STARTS TO SNOW.
Fog: HI! Did you miss me????
Fake William: Oh, Snow White! Please do not take the following out of character dialogue as at all out of character! Snow! The people miss you! They think you can lead them, or something, although it's not clear why!
Snow White: Although I have been sorta bonding with Thor, and although you left me imprisoned in a castle with nothing but a lot of candles for years and then joined the bad guys and burnt down several peasant houses to find me, and although you are distinctly acting Out of Character here, I shall kiss you! Thus showing I love you maybe more than Thor. Wait. I think I FEEL UNCERTAIN about this. What is the expression I should be wearing for that?
Not-really-William: Although as the Evil Queen there's really no way for me to know that William used to give you, Snow White, apples, here. Have an apple. Yum.
Snow White FALLS to the ground ALL POISONED. This WAKES Thor, presumably because he has SUPER HEARING or, as the film is trying to make us believe, ACTUALLY CARES, who then WAKES THE REAL WILLIAM. The two RUSH over and swing swords at the EVIL QUEEN who TURNS INTO A LOT OF BIRDS and FLIES AWAY. William KISSES the DEAD Snow White but FAILS to WAKE HER UP. Apparently because THEY ARE SHORT, the seven remaining dwarfs have to CARRY Snow White's body ALL THE WAY to the Duke while William and Thor just stride along sadly. In a VERY NICE TOUCH, Snow White is LEFT on a bed of FURS instead of GLASS, which would admittedly have still MORE MEANING if the FUR and GLASS mixup weren't from CINDERELLA.
Thor: Time for me to DRINK! And emote! Let me tell you, oh corpse, about my wife! I wasn't worth saving, but she saved me! Just like YOU did, corpse, although you are just going to HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD for it since we have seen NO HINT OF THIS in the film! Anyway, corpse, you remind me of my dead wife, possibly because you are both dead. And on that sad and touching note, let me kiss you.
Snow White: GASP! I'm AWAKE! How amazingly convenient for the film that I didn't see who ACTUALLY kissed me awake – my childhood friend the noble William, or the scruffy peasant Huntsman!
William: Meanwhile, I'll just yell at my father some more.
Extras CHANT as Snow White RISES and WALKS to the stairs and TAKES William's HANDS.
Sun: Hi! I'm back! I bring this up, because the camera spends so much time on me that weather is obviously VERY IMPORTANT.
Snow White: Guess it's time for my speech! We must ride! Iron will melt, but it will writhe inside of itself! [Real dialogue.]
Audience: Huh?
Snow White: I've BARELY started my tortured and incomprehensible metaphors here! EMOTE! EMOTE! EMOTE! Where is my armor!
To regain her youth, Evil Queen drains STILL MORE PEOPLE, very rudely just LEAVING THEM ON THE FLOOR for others to CLEAN UP. Snow White, William, Thor, six of the dwarfs and VARIOUS extras RIDE off to the Evil Castle which conveniently enough is now ONLY A DAY AWAY again. They approach and realize that the PORTCULLIS is CLOSED and the TIDE will be back SOON, something you'd THINK they would have thought of EARLIER.
Snow White: Fortunately enough, earlier in the film I discovered a SECRET way in THROUGH THE SEWERS. Although I have NO IDEA how you will get UP to that entrance MID WAY up IMPASSIBLE CLIFFS before the tide comes back in, GOOD LUCK DWARFS!
Dwarfs: Conveniently enough, no one has closed off this sewer or even put bars around it since Snow White's escape! This is the least efficient Evil Queen Ever.
Queen: You know, this is an army filled with young and beautiful people that I could probably drain for power and magic, but instead, I'll just shout, let them BREAK THEIR SKULLS AGAINST THESE STONE WALLS!
Thor: Perhaps now is a moment for romantic dialogue. Of a sort.
Dwarfs HIDE behind a HORSE. No one notices. Flaming balls of fire attack the incoming army and cause some extras to fall off their horses. Dwarfs fight for the portcullis and eventually manage to use their combined weights to open it in a scene that was MEANT to be funny but alas was not. Foot soldiers ENTER the portcullis, although it is NOT AT ALL CLEAR how they came from the Duke's castle or KEPT UP WITH the MOUNTED KNIGHTS since this is the first time we have seen them. Snow White decides to CHARGE after the QUEEN.
Thor: William! Although, like me, you are supposed to be IN LOVE with Snow White, it has taken you even LONGER to notice her absence than it TOOK ME! Follow me!
Evil Queen: So sorry about the housekeeping. The dust is a sideeffect from killing all my servants. Also, I think all that fog.
Thor and William: Rather, than, say, help Snow White, we'll just, you know, stand in the door. That will be particularly useful when the door FALLS on us and we start having to FIGHT CGI monsters.
Snow White: Evil Queen! I'm attacking you! Not well, admittedly!
Evil Queen: That's an understatement.
Snow White: Fortunately for the film's HAPPY ENDING, Thor TAUGHT ME HOW TO KILL you SEVERAL SCENES AGO! Here's the dagger! It works because my blood is fair, not because I've just PUSHED a FILTHY DAGGER through your LIVER.
Queen: Well, after all that, I think I deserve a nice long death scene, don't you? Well, I'm getting one anyway.
Snow White: You can't have my heart! But in a desperate attempt to pretend I've been paying some attention to this film I've been paid millions to appear in, I shall now shed a small tear.
Sun: Go me!
An UNCOMFORTABLE looking Snow White is CROWNED QUEEN as TWO GRIM CARDINALS stand behind her, neither telling us what, if anything, the church bothered to do during the REST OF THE FILM. An uncomfortable silence FILLS THE HALL until a DWARF decides to BREAK IT. Thor stands in the back. FADE TO BLACK.
Audience: Wait, that's it?
Film: Er, yes.
Audience: But who did Snow White choose? William? Thor? Neither?
Film: Don't ask me.
Audience: Then why did you put the love triangle in there?*****
Film: I had to have something. Magical mushrooms can only do so much.
* To be fair, I probably would have cheered on almost any other Snow White against this particular queen. Just, well, not this particular Snow White. It probably does not help that despite my myriad, myriad problems with Once Upon a Time, the show did prove that you can deliver a kick-ass, fighting Snow White and still make her likeable, helped by Ginnifer Goodwin's decision to play her as, well, likeable. Kristen Stewart appears to have decided to play Snow White as, well, standing around, which I guess is an acting choice of a sort, but does not do much for the charisma department.
** For the record, although I know it can be problematic, I don't personally have a problem, as a viewer, with full sized actors playing the roles of dwarfs – I'm looking forward to The Hobbit, for instance. As a viewer, though, I'm less interested in problematic Hollywood casting issues and more interested in the issue that grafting these familiar faces onto the bodies of little people is distracting as hell. It also couldn't have been cheap, which begs the question as to why anyone bothered, instead of, I don't know, just hiring little people.
*** In parts of the script, this dwarf was a Blind Seer, and in parts of the script, this dwarf was an I Can See Perfectly Fine, Thank You, Seer.
****I did like the song.
*****In the one nice touch to the otherwise pointless love triangle, Thor and William generally behave as allies, not rivals, and seem pretty mature about it.
Anyway. This, as the Twilight fans agreed, is a Film With Problems. Not visual problems – it looks great throughout and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we were all just as glad not to have this in 3D. But script problems. Acting problems. (Particularly with Kristen Stewart, where the kindest word I can use is "miscast.") Turning Ray Winstone – yes, that Ray Winstone – into a dwarf problems. Unexpected Bambi and stealing from Japanese anime problems. Accent problems. Christianity problems. (Seriously, film. What?) Snow White not being particularly likeable problems. Me spending the film cheering on the Evil Queen problems.*
As such, it needs snark. A lot of snark.
Movie PROUDLY announces that this is Universal's 100th anniversary year. Our audience, and probably ONLY our audience, erupts in UNEXPECTED CHEERS and yells GO MUMMY GO HARRY POTTER before going silent for MOST OF THE REST OF THE FILM. This does, however, make the rest of us MISS some of the ESTABLISHING FAIRY TALE NARRATIVE about SPLASHING BLOOD on SNOW and the STRENGTH of ROSES.
Snow White is BORN. Oddly enough for the ONLY CHILD of a KING with WARS to FIGHT, she is pretty much allowed to run around wild with a kid who I originally TOOK for a PEASANT CHILD but who will eventually be revealed to be a Duke's SON called William, without any ACCOMPANYING GUARDS or servants or anything. On the bright side this allows William to FEED HER UNMAGICAL APPLES and also allows her to bring DYING BIRDS to her mother.
Not-yet-dead-queen: You possess rare beauty inside, where it counts! I must say this, to contract the moral lessons that will be offered later, and also, because later, absolutely nobody will believe this. Well, in the audience. Fortunately, the film will have professional actors, who can professionally pretend.
Queen DIES.
King: I am so upset about this, evil invading soldiers will SEIZE their chance to INVADE, allowing us to REENACT the opening scenes from Gladiator only with MORE FOG and MEDIEVAL LOOKING ARMOR! Oh, look, a woman chained up in a wagon. How hot. Let's get married.
Ravenna: Hi, I'm Ravenna, the soon to be Evil Queen. Let's just get the BIGGEST PROBLEM with my storyline out of the way: throughout this flick, I will be HANDS DOWN the HOTTEST WOMAN on the screen and far better looking than Snow White, a problem since it's SUPPOSED TO BE the OTHER WAY AROUND. Meanwhile, let me just be evil for a bit as I am dressed in the first of many FABULOUS outfits! Oh, little Snow White. I also lost my mother. You and I, we share a bond! Kinda!
Despite the fact that we have just spent EXCRUCIATING seconds watching Ravenna GET DRESSED, apparently for the wedding and coronation, in the next scene, apparently the wedding and coronation, she is wearing yet ANOTHER dress, making us wonder WHAT THE POINT WAS. Snow White follows AWKWARDLY in an EVEN MORE POINTLESS dress. The focus on DRESSES rather LETS US KNOW that NOT MUCH ELSE is HAPPENING HERE.
King: My new queen! At last we are in bed together! You will be the death of me!
Evil Queen: Well, I could enjoy the sex. Or, I could just kill you in a NOTABLY PHALLIC MANNER, which will somehow squeak through and get us the PG-13 rating that NUDITY WOULD TAKE AWAY. Oooooh. That felt good. This film should fill MORE DEATHS with SEXUAL SYMBOLISM.
Film: Duly noted.
Little Snow White SEES her father's corpse and not surprisingly FREAKS out and starts running and running. She is ALMOST SAVED by a little shrieking WILLIAM (who, remember, is NOT the PEASANT BOY we all THOUGHT HE was) and his father only NOT REALLY. Little William and the DUKE ride off, off, off to more pleasant lands and the rest of the movie while little Snow White and others remain TRAPPED behind the castle portcullis. William screams so we know this WASN'T HIS FAULT at all, really.
Queen: Well, that was fun. Time to bring in the mirror!
Mirror ARRIVES and turns out to be a....large gong. Audience giggles maniacally and is only hushed when the gong MELTS into liquid and SLITHERS towards the QUEEN, to rise into a VAGUELY HUMANOID SHAPE.
Mirror: Is there no end to your power and beauty?
Film narrator: Well, maybe not, but the kingdom's agriculture is at an end.
Time PASSES. We see a now grown-up SNOW WHITE, looking DECENTLY FED for a prisoner in a kingdom where in theory NOTHING HAS BEEN GROWING for YEARS, trying to make a little fire to WARM UP. Also she has lots and lots of beeswax candles, although it's NOT CLEAR HOW since BEES, TOO, need LIVING PLANTS.
Snow White: I shall now...say the Lord's Prayer.
Greta: Since the queen's magical methods and evil have not been obvious enough SO FAR, I shall arrive in all of my PATHETIC and INNOCENT beauty. Hi, Snow. So, how's things? We thought you were dead.
Snow White: No, just collecting candles.
Evil Queen: Now, let me consume some raw hearts of birds.
Audience: Um, what?
Evil Queen: Remember when we were beggars? Am I not kinder than that? Let me vanish, nude except for my crown, into this white mineral bath. I'm keeping my crown on so that everyone will know I'm Still Queen. And now, time for another marvelous dress, this one made of metal!
Handsome young man: Fetching though that is, I'm going to try to kill you anyway, because you're evil and the plot isn't really going anywhere.
Evil Queen: Then I shall CLAW OUT YOUR HEART. With MY HAND.
Audience: Maybe getting snacks for the movie wasn't such a great idea.
Film: To distract everyone, a shot of THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY! With ominous music.
Queen: Damn! All that heart stealing has made me old again. Please tell me we have a convenient young girl around whose beauty I can drain.
Queen's definitely incestuous brother: You're still hot! Plus, I just happen to have a convenient young girl around whose beauty you can drain.
A terrified Greta is DRAGGED in to have her YOUTH and BEAUTY all DRAINED AWAY thanks to computer CGI. The music ASSURES us this is all Very Sad.
Mirror: Not to interrupt all the youth draining, but you have a bit of a problem. Snow White. On the bright side, if you eat her heart, you'll live forever.
Evil Queen: Incestuous brother! Bring me Snow White's heart!
Snow White: Meanwhile, for apparently the first time ever, I shall look outside my window and notice a LOOSE NAIL which has been inexplicably LEFT IN THE STONE, apparently for MONTHS without me noticing. Fortunately the rest of the plot will not require me to be observant.
Incestuous Brother: Oh, Snow White! Have I woken you?
Snow White: No. Er. Do you realize that you've NEVER been here before? The same way I've NEVER SEEN this CONVENIENT NAIL before?
Incestuous Brother: Are you afraid of me?
Snow White: Oddly, no. Just of your sister.
Incestuous Brother: Why?
Snow White: Because in mere seconds I'm going to wound you with this nail and lock you in the dungeon.
Greta: Don't mind me. I'll just starve here.
The next few minutes are KINDA DIZZYING and involve a LOT OF RUNNING AROUND and SWIFTLY MOVING CAMERAWORK. Snow White DECIDES to DIVE into the sewers since they CONVENIENTLY ENOUGH have a HOLE big enough for HER but not the SOLDIERS CHASING HER. The sewers also ALLOW her to take a GLORIOUS DIVE into the OCEAN, showing us that she STILL HAS HER STOCKINGS ON, amazingly WITHOUT ANY HOLES despite the whole dungeon living, running through the castle and diving into sewers thing. Fortunately, because this is still EARLY in the film, leaping INTO the ocean DOES NOT KILL HER. Birds SHOW UP to guide her to a WHITE HORSE, which she gets on because a WHITE HORSE is not at all noticeable.
Snow White: I'll just, um, ride the horse through the muddy village then.
Villagers: Even though we are starving, and capturing you would get us lots of money PLUS bonus horsemeat, we'll just...let you go.
Snow White RIDES AND RIDES before ABANDONING the horse in a PUDDLE.
Fog: I suspect, if you add me, and lots of me, you might make this scene suspenseful.
Snow White FALLS on some DEAD BIRDS.
Audience: SERIOUSLY?
Fog: Trying here!
Film: Ok, what if we just have Snow White FALL ON SOME CREEPING CRAWLING BUGS?
Movie theatres everywhere: This is a SUMMER film. We are TRYING to sell popcorn, damn it!
Audience: See, this is why we preferred Twilight.
Film: What about a BAT THING?
Audience: ENOUGH ALREADY.
Fortunately, before the AUDIENCE TOTALLY LOSES IT, Snow White PASSES OUT.
Queen: It is time for me to emote! LOUDLY! YOU PEOPLE GENERALLY SUCK! No one is loyal to me! Why, I can't figure out. I mean, I've made everything into this nice uniform black and grey and when I kill people, I do it quickly.
Incestuous Brother: This makes me sad. But, instead of focusing on our relationship issues, or suggesting we GET COUNSELING, I shall instead just inform you that Snow White has landed on some dead birds in the Dark Forest.
Queen: Kind of a problem, given that I have NO POWER THERE! I must SCREAM MORE! EMOTE! EMOTE! EMOTE! Find me someone who can ENTER THE FOREST!
Thor the Huntsman: Hi, I'm Thor, supposedly a Huntsman although it's not clear what I actually hunt. [He wasn't given a name, so I'm sticking with Thor.] Later, I will have the only thing remotely resembling a Character Arc and Genuine Humor in the entire film. For now, I'm a bit busy with getting into drunken mudfights here.
Incestuous Brother and Soldiers: Yes, but this film desperately needs an entertaining character, so we need you to come along now.
Queen: Thor, you are a drunkard and a complete failure. Nonetheless, I am choosing you to head after this prisoner who has escaped to the Dark Forest!
Thor: Why should I, when I could just, you know, stand here and snark and get punched in the stomach instead?
Queen: Because if you do, I shall restore your dead wife!
Thor: Kinky! Ok, although I have no reason to believe you can actually DO this, let's go for it. Tell me who I'm chasing again and why she's important?
Queen: And ruin the chance for a bad attempt at banter AND a dramatic reveal of this later? No way.
Thor LEADS everyone out to the Dark Forest, which at the moment seems to be only a FEW HOURS away. This is important since later it will seem to be SEVERAL hours or even DAYS away.
Snow White: Since I can't act, I'll just...hide under this tree. That should work.
Thor: Not really!
Snow White: The queen will kill me and rip out my heart! You can't give me back to her! Am I sounding at all convincing here?
Thor: No. Right! I have Snow White! Now, where's my re-animated dead wife?
Incestuous Brother: Because I FAILED Leadership 101 and basic human resource management, I'll just tell you the truth that the queen isn't bringing your wife back at all, even though this will remove any incentive you had to work with us.
Thor: Damn it!
Dark forest apparently tries to KILL Incestuous Brother who EMOTES in response.
Thor: Ok, tell me why the queen wants you dead!
Snow White: It won't be DRAMATIC enough if I tell you that now! Instead, I'll just tell you that I have to get to the Duke's castle! I'll pay you lots of gold!
Thor: Well, I don't trust you, but, sure. Let's spit.
Random old guy: Although I'm not at all sure how I came across this little tidbit of news, I can tell you, oh Duke, that the princess is alive! Unfortunately, the queen can't be killed.
William: Hi! I'm back. In the intervening years, I've turned into Robin Hood, because this film doesn't have enough films to borrow from already. Wait – Snow White's alive? Yes!
William and his father have a nice family argument before William RUSHES OFF to SAVE Snow White, who is now ENCOUNTERING SOME SNAKES, which is less exciting than it sounds.
Thor: Perhaps if I give you some sideways looks, the audience will assume that I am FEELING ATTRACTED TO YOU.
Audience: No.
Thor: What does a young girl like you know about sorrow?
Snow White: Again, we have this whole "I need to wait until the right dramatic moment" thing going on, or I'd tell you. So sorry.
William: Because I am clearly incapable of finding Snow White by myself, I shall instead join the evil band of hunters, led by Incestuous Brother, and join in with their Evil Doings as they hunt her. That should go well.
Incestuous Brother: Even though I met you years back, and you are the son of our most dangerous enemy, thus, someone I should, you know, recognize, welcome to our little band! Flame on!
Evil Queen: Sniffle. The movie has DESERTED me and is now a LOT LESS FUN. I shall pluck this flower and KILL IT, in a symbolic sign of how the SCRIPT is killing ALL OF THE SUSPENSE.
Thor: Wait. It just occurred to me, or the scriptwriters, whichever, that if you're going to kill the Evil Queen later, someone needs to show you how. So, although we're being SORTA CHASED through a Dark Forest and someone WANTS TO KILL you and we haven't eaten or slept in days, let's pause for me to demonstrate how to push a dagger through someone's heart in a really phallic manner.
To lengthen the movie, Snow White and Thor step on the nose of a troll, which begins a TROLL FIGHT.
Snow White: To end this fight, I shall just make googly eyes at the troll.
Thor: Hmm. I wonder if this ability to tame monsters with your eyes MEANS something.
Fog: Hi! It's me again. This isn't going to be a problem for you, is it? I mean, the whole not being able to see a thing on the screen thing?
Scarred boat people: Hi! We're from a village of only women, which is not as SEXY or FEMINIST as it might sound.
Scarred woman to Thor: You don't know who she is, do you?
Thor: Why didn't you TELL me this earlier? I helped you make GOOGLY eyes at a troll!
Snow White: Well, for one, when we met, you were trying to hand me over to people who wanted to kill me. For two, this whole dramatic reveal thing.
Thor: We may have flopped on two. Yay! More fog!
Scarred boat woman: We have deliberately scarred ourselves so that we will STOP BEING BEAUTIFUL and therefore no longer be TARGETS FOR THE QUEEN. Try not to think about this too much.
Thor: Everyone I've cared about has been TAKEN AWAY from me! She's SAFER WITH YOU! I shall now stalk off dramatically into the fog!
Film: Allow me to tease the audience with a hint of SUN! Ha! Nope, not sun, but FLAME!
Incestuous Brother and William arrive, setting EVERYTHING on FIRE with FLAMING ARROWS. William ALMOST MAYBE SEES Snow White THROUGH THE SMOKE but this is NOT AT ALL CLEAR, much like THE REST OF THE CAMERAWORK. Snow White and the scarred women hurry to some VERY SLOW BOATS.
Thor: Even though I JUST SAID that Snow White is BETTER OFF without me, I shall RUSH TO THE BOATS and SAVE HER, incidentally removing her from both William AND a possible CHASE SCENE! Come, Snow White! Race with me into the corn fields! The smoke and fog shall help HIDE US.
Fog: And you thought I was just here to add EMOTIONAL WEIGHT.
Snow White and Thor COLLAPSE in fog. What could be an INTERESTING discussion is INTERRUPTED BY DWARFS.
Dwarfs: Hi! We're the Eight Dwarfs. We certainly hope this doesn't PORTEND ANYTHING, like, say, A DRAMATIC DEATH. Thanks to computer technology, we have the bodies of little people and the faces of British Character actors! We hope this doesn't bother anyone.**
Currently Blind Dwarf***: She is OF the blood! She can bring an END to the darkness! And MAYBE THE FOG!
Film: Not the fog!!! NOT THE FOG! I CAN'T HAVE A SCENE WITHOUT THE FOG!
Incestuous Brother and William: We hate to interrupt this scintillating political conversation, but we have HUNTING to do.
Dwarfs, Thor and Snow White, tracked by the EVIL GUYS and WILLIAM, flee into an enchanted forest, where they are GREETED BY SUSPICIOUSLY CUTE SQUIRRELS and flying mushrooms. Snow White is AWED by the fairies.
Thor: Ok, let's try this again. I am giving Snow White a MEANINGFUL LOOK. Are you buying my growing love and passion for her yet?
Audience: No.
Dwarfs WHINE that they no longer work in the mines and can't even work in the circus anymore. For some reason this leads to the PLAYING of CHEERFUL DANCE MUSIC and a VERY AWKWARD SCENE involving a dwarf, Snow White, and Snow White's breasts.
Snow White: Hmm. Has anyone else noticed that for a supposedly feminist recasting of this tale, I seem to spend a lot of time just sitting around having men talk at me?
In YET ANOTHER scene we should probably NOT EXAMINE too closely, oddly ANDOGYNOUS yet NAKED fairies without any real genitals, to preserve the film's PG -13 rating, are BORN FROM BIRDS. Audience BURSTS INTO MERRY LAUGHTER. More SUSPICIOUSLY CUTE squirrels and BUNNIES appear.
Sun: Hi! It's me! No, really this time, though I can understand your skepticism.
Snow White walks THROUGH the bunnies. In a scene suspiciously like Princess Mononoke, Snow White APPROACHES a white stag, which KNEELS to her in a nice folkloric touch as FAIRIES and MUSHROOMS REJOICE. Fortunately, before anyone can become TOO ILL, the bad guys SHOOT the stag, leading to MORE and MORE RUNNING.
William: Wait! I realize I look SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A BAD GUY here, given all of my earlier LIGHTING THINGS ON FIRE and KILLING PEOPLE, but, it's William! Your beloved childhood friend with the apple thing! No, really!
Thor: While this delightful reunion is going on, I shall more usefully KILL Incestuous Brother, slamming him AGAINST a stump, allowing one well rounded and thick BRANCH to EXTEND OUT JUST BENEATH HIS CROTCH strongly resembling SOMETHING that DOESN'T BELONG IN A NICE FAMILY BLOG. You'd think in a film with this much phallic symbolism I'd be getting laid more.
Queen: Just to go with that symbolism, I shall now WRITHE, and GYRE, and BREATHE VERY VERY HARD and PANT and MOAN.
Thor: Maybe we should let some characters actually get laid.
Eighth dwarf: Meanwhile, here I am, all cheerfully hanging out and stuff – no, I'm dead. You'd think, given the fairy tale, that someone should have seen that coming. Ha ha. Coming. I just saw how the arrow is pointing and the way the camera is looking at it.
Thor: SERIOUSLY!
Since Snow White, the dwarfs, Thor and now William are all being HUNTED by the queen, they naturally LIGHT A HUGE FIRE with SMOKE GOING EVERYWHERE so they can PROPERLY BURN the eighth dwarf before SETTING OFF ON THEIR SAD MONTAGE bit strongly inspired by Lord of the Rings. Snow White KINDA CRIES if not altogether CONVINCINGLY so we can see that this is GENUINELY SAD.
Film: Hmm. So, we have action! We had singing dwarves! We had dancing mushrooms! And helicopter shots! What are we missing? Right! A love triangle! Thor! Watch William and Snow White have some NOT VERY SIGNIFICANT dialogue! William! Intercept some NOT VERY SIGNIFICANT looks between Thor and Snow White. Snow White! Try to look interested! Ok, try to look as if you REMEMBER THE CAMERA IS ON AND FILMING YOU.
Thor: Maybe if I try another SIDEWAYS look!
Audience: No.
Although it took William only about ONE DAY to reach the EVIL QUEEN'S castle and the Evil Forest earlier in the film, it now takes EVERYONE ELSE days and days (apparently) to reach William's home. It STARTS TO SNOW.
Fog: HI! Did you miss me????
Fake William: Oh, Snow White! Please do not take the following out of character dialogue as at all out of character! Snow! The people miss you! They think you can lead them, or something, although it's not clear why!
Snow White: Although I have been sorta bonding with Thor, and although you left me imprisoned in a castle with nothing but a lot of candles for years and then joined the bad guys and burnt down several peasant houses to find me, and although you are distinctly acting Out of Character here, I shall kiss you! Thus showing I love you maybe more than Thor. Wait. I think I FEEL UNCERTAIN about this. What is the expression I should be wearing for that?
Not-really-William: Although as the Evil Queen there's really no way for me to know that William used to give you, Snow White, apples, here. Have an apple. Yum.
Snow White FALLS to the ground ALL POISONED. This WAKES Thor, presumably because he has SUPER HEARING or, as the film is trying to make us believe, ACTUALLY CARES, who then WAKES THE REAL WILLIAM. The two RUSH over and swing swords at the EVIL QUEEN who TURNS INTO A LOT OF BIRDS and FLIES AWAY. William KISSES the DEAD Snow White but FAILS to WAKE HER UP. Apparently because THEY ARE SHORT, the seven remaining dwarfs have to CARRY Snow White's body ALL THE WAY to the Duke while William and Thor just stride along sadly. In a VERY NICE TOUCH, Snow White is LEFT on a bed of FURS instead of GLASS, which would admittedly have still MORE MEANING if the FUR and GLASS mixup weren't from CINDERELLA.
Thor: Time for me to DRINK! And emote! Let me tell you, oh corpse, about my wife! I wasn't worth saving, but she saved me! Just like YOU did, corpse, although you are just going to HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD for it since we have seen NO HINT OF THIS in the film! Anyway, corpse, you remind me of my dead wife, possibly because you are both dead. And on that sad and touching note, let me kiss you.
Snow White: GASP! I'm AWAKE! How amazingly convenient for the film that I didn't see who ACTUALLY kissed me awake – my childhood friend the noble William, or the scruffy peasant Huntsman!
William: Meanwhile, I'll just yell at my father some more.
Extras CHANT as Snow White RISES and WALKS to the stairs and TAKES William's HANDS.
Sun: Hi! I'm back! I bring this up, because the camera spends so much time on me that weather is obviously VERY IMPORTANT.
Snow White: Guess it's time for my speech! We must ride! Iron will melt, but it will writhe inside of itself! [Real dialogue.]
Audience: Huh?
Snow White: I've BARELY started my tortured and incomprehensible metaphors here! EMOTE! EMOTE! EMOTE! Where is my armor!
To regain her youth, Evil Queen drains STILL MORE PEOPLE, very rudely just LEAVING THEM ON THE FLOOR for others to CLEAN UP. Snow White, William, Thor, six of the dwarfs and VARIOUS extras RIDE off to the Evil Castle which conveniently enough is now ONLY A DAY AWAY again. They approach and realize that the PORTCULLIS is CLOSED and the TIDE will be back SOON, something you'd THINK they would have thought of EARLIER.
Snow White: Fortunately enough, earlier in the film I discovered a SECRET way in THROUGH THE SEWERS. Although I have NO IDEA how you will get UP to that entrance MID WAY up IMPASSIBLE CLIFFS before the tide comes back in, GOOD LUCK DWARFS!
Dwarfs: Conveniently enough, no one has closed off this sewer or even put bars around it since Snow White's escape! This is the least efficient Evil Queen Ever.
Queen: You know, this is an army filled with young and beautiful people that I could probably drain for power and magic, but instead, I'll just shout, let them BREAK THEIR SKULLS AGAINST THESE STONE WALLS!
Thor: Perhaps now is a moment for romantic dialogue. Of a sort.
Dwarfs HIDE behind a HORSE. No one notices. Flaming balls of fire attack the incoming army and cause some extras to fall off their horses. Dwarfs fight for the portcullis and eventually manage to use their combined weights to open it in a scene that was MEANT to be funny but alas was not. Foot soldiers ENTER the portcullis, although it is NOT AT ALL CLEAR how they came from the Duke's castle or KEPT UP WITH the MOUNTED KNIGHTS since this is the first time we have seen them. Snow White decides to CHARGE after the QUEEN.
Thor: William! Although, like me, you are supposed to be IN LOVE with Snow White, it has taken you even LONGER to notice her absence than it TOOK ME! Follow me!
Evil Queen: So sorry about the housekeeping. The dust is a sideeffect from killing all my servants. Also, I think all that fog.
Thor and William: Rather, than, say, help Snow White, we'll just, you know, stand in the door. That will be particularly useful when the door FALLS on us and we start having to FIGHT CGI monsters.
Snow White: Evil Queen! I'm attacking you! Not well, admittedly!
Evil Queen: That's an understatement.
Snow White: Fortunately for the film's HAPPY ENDING, Thor TAUGHT ME HOW TO KILL you SEVERAL SCENES AGO! Here's the dagger! It works because my blood is fair, not because I've just PUSHED a FILTHY DAGGER through your LIVER.
Queen: Well, after all that, I think I deserve a nice long death scene, don't you? Well, I'm getting one anyway.
Snow White: You can't have my heart! But in a desperate attempt to pretend I've been paying some attention to this film I've been paid millions to appear in, I shall now shed a small tear.
Sun: Go me!
An UNCOMFORTABLE looking Snow White is CROWNED QUEEN as TWO GRIM CARDINALS stand behind her, neither telling us what, if anything, the church bothered to do during the REST OF THE FILM. An uncomfortable silence FILLS THE HALL until a DWARF decides to BREAK IT. Thor stands in the back. FADE TO BLACK.
Audience: Wait, that's it?
Film: Er, yes.
Audience: But who did Snow White choose? William? Thor? Neither?
Film: Don't ask me.
Audience: Then why did you put the love triangle in there?*****
Film: I had to have something. Magical mushrooms can only do so much.
* To be fair, I probably would have cheered on almost any other Snow White against this particular queen. Just, well, not this particular Snow White. It probably does not help that despite my myriad, myriad problems with Once Upon a Time, the show did prove that you can deliver a kick-ass, fighting Snow White and still make her likeable, helped by Ginnifer Goodwin's decision to play her as, well, likeable. Kristen Stewart appears to have decided to play Snow White as, well, standing around, which I guess is an acting choice of a sort, but does not do much for the charisma department.
** For the record, although I know it can be problematic, I don't personally have a problem, as a viewer, with full sized actors playing the roles of dwarfs – I'm looking forward to The Hobbit, for instance. As a viewer, though, I'm less interested in problematic Hollywood casting issues and more interested in the issue that grafting these familiar faces onto the bodies of little people is distracting as hell. It also couldn't have been cheap, which begs the question as to why anyone bothered, instead of, I don't know, just hiring little people.
*** In parts of the script, this dwarf was a Blind Seer, and in parts of the script, this dwarf was an I Can See Perfectly Fine, Thank You, Seer.
****I did like the song.
*****In the one nice touch to the otherwise pointless love triangle, Thor and William generally behave as allies, not rivals, and seem pretty mature about it.