Oz the Great and Powerful
Mar. 14th, 2013 02:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessI present you, oh readers, with choices: you can read my nice serious discussion of Oz the Great and Powerful over at Tor.com, or you can just head straight for the snark:
Film OPENS with a moment of terror as the audience LEARNS that YES, Hollywood is indeed creating A SECOND SMURF MOVIE. Before the audience can FULLY RECOVER, a second moment of terror FOLLOWS as the audience realizes that YES, HOLLYWOOD WAS SERIOUS about making yet another film based on a STEPHANIE MEYER NOVEL. Fortunately, before everyone RUSHES TO THE EXIT in terror, the DISNEY CASTLE APPEARS on the screen.
In a META MOMENT, the film pushes THROUGH the doors of the DISNEY castle to assure EVERYONE that whatever may happen NEXT, it at least will not involve SMURFS or SPARKLY VAMPIRES. Audience BREATHES deeply as the CAMERA pushes through a black and white stage and through a series of admittedly KINDA COOL if RATHER OVERDONE black and white credits takes us to a travelling circus in Kansas and back to the OLD STYLE movie ratios and BLACK AND WHITE FILM.
Film: Hi! It's 1905, which given that this is in theory showing the events that occurred several years before the events of a book originally published in 1900, might be SLIGHTLY CONFUSING. Let's DISTRACT everyone with some CLOWNS.
Me: Please don't go there please don't go there.
Oscar Diggs the Wizard: Hi! I'm Oscar, small time circus conjurer and master of cheap tricks and little moving pictures of elephants, which will temporarily lure some of you into assuming the writers of this film actually read some of the Oz books. In a FAILED effort to show me as a successful womanizer, I shall try to seduce this young woman with a lovely tale of my grandmother and a music box. Let's dance.
Assistant, who will later be a monkey, but isn't now: Or, you know, work.
Oscar: I'm about to GET LAID HERE.
Assistant: Food is also a good thing.
Oscar: All right. Since I'm a generous guy, I'll give you far less of the take than you deserve.
Assistant: You'd think all of this treatment would make me plan to assassinate you, or at least hand you over to this young woman's boyfriend, but apparently it is TOO EARLY for PLOT development. Let's go MAGIC.
Oscar: Magic!
Young girl in wheelchair: Since you've made someone FLOAT, I will of course believe that you can make someone walk. Heal me!
Oscar: Awkward!
Assistant: Pay no attention to that cyclone behind the tents!
Sally: Oscar! To suggest that someone attached to this movie has actually read the books, I'm here to tell you that I may be marrying a man called Mr. Gale – Gale! Gale! Get it?
Oscar: Kinda ignoring the cyclone here.
Sally: Though – though – if you --?
Oscar: I'm not a good man. I know you think I am, but I have to say this, and act this, so we can later have CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Plus, Kansas is full of GOOD MEN, and yet look how BLACK AND WHITE everything is! I want to be a COLORFUL GREAT MAN! Like, um, Houdini! No. Wait. That sounded bad. Edison!
Assistant: Not to interrupt this stirring discussion, but you're kinda being chased by an Angry Clown.
Me: AUUGH.
Angry Clown and Strongman BURST into Oscar's caravan. Oscar performs a SILLY magic trick to ESCAPE which leads to a CHASE SCENE.
Assistant: Pay no attention to – wait, maybe we should be paying attention.
Oscar, paying no attention, JUMPS INTO a HOT AIR BALLOON.
Assistant: Given the way you've been treating me so far, it's not clear why I don't just let you fly off. But that would cause later Plot Problems. So. Here's your Magic Hat! And your Magic Bag! And your Magic Cyclone!
Oscar: Wait. What?
Cyclone ENVELOPS Oscar and several other ELEMENTS FROM THE CIRCUS spinning them ROUND AND ROUND in a fashion REMINSCENT of the 1939 movie only CONSIDERABLY less realistic because CGI. Apparently REALIZING THIS, the CGI THUMPS THINGS through the basket of the hot air balloon, remarkably MOSTLY MISSING the ACTUAL, FRAGILE balloon but getting to SHOW OFF the 3D effects. Film EXPANDS into color.
Walt Disney World: We know you were hoping for a bit of narrative here, but, since we're kinda hoping to make a ride later, mind if we just swoop the film off for some waterfalls and white water rafting scenes? Look, Florida's hot. Our theme parks need water rides! Oh, ok then. Have a rainbow or two.
Theme park and video game tie-in KINDA OVER, Oscar LANDS in water SURROUNDED by DAZZLING special effects. He LOOKS UP to see a woman in an EQUALLY DAZZLING LARGE RED HAT which she has SOMEWHAT INEXPLICABLY PAIRED with VERY TIGHT LEATHER PANTS.
Some audience members: It's not THAT inexplicable.
Theodora the Red Witch: Be careful of the river fairies!
Oscar: What river fairies?
Theodora: The ones a magical computer is about to conjure RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Prepare to act!
Oscar ACTS.
Theodora: Right. Memo. Next time, cast an actor better at interacting with the CGI. Not that I'm in a position to talk. Anyway, hello, Great Wizard! I KNEW the prophecy was true!
Oscar: Well, given that I've just completely accepted the presence of little CGI fairies without blinking, I'll go for this as well. Incidentally, where I am?
Theodora: Oz. I know it looks like Avatar, but, honestly, Oz. Oh, Wizard. Although I am a great and powerful witch in five minutes of talking to you I have FALLEN in love. Despite my travels and my excellent pants I apparently DON'T GET OUT MUCH. Let's go to the Emerald City.
Oscar: Emeralds, huh?
Theodora: And gold!
Oscar: Good thing we failed to establish earlier that there's a girl back in Kansas that I'm deeply in love with who would presumably be worried about my absence, and that a previous movie on this theme suggested that the people back home would worry about me, because, you know, gold! Let's go!
Theodora: Also, I should mention I'm a witch.
Oscar: Oh, let's just skip past nuance and leap into stereotypes. Where's your broom?
Theodora: Broom?
Oscar: Enough hinting to the audience about your eventual fate! Let's go!
Theodora: I should mention, we're being hunted by a Wicked Witch. Use your magic!
Oscar: Er.
Theodora: Use something to move along the plot!
Oscar: Got it!
Theodora: Oh, that was romantic. So is this fire! So is all of this! Well, it kinda isn't, but work with me here.
Oscar: Ok then! Since I have only one way to show romance and affection, here, have a music box! Please don't ask why I brought these along on a hot air balloon instead of, as a random thought, water!
Theodora: Despite my very tight pants, no one has EVER given me a gift before! I KNOW. Let's hurry to the kiss before the audience starts to doubt that.
Oscar: You'd think I'd know enough about Evil Plots to realize that whenever you get the girl this early in the film, things won't go well. Ok! Let us march on!
Theodora: You must – you must – save the monkey!
Oscar: Seriously?
Theodora: Seriously. Disney needs to sell some toys.
To support his CORPORATE OVERLORDS, Oscar walks over to the monkey and BEGINS TO CUT IT FREE, just as a LION ATTACKS.
Oscar: Some help here?
Theodora: What, and prove useful?
In a desperate attempt to SAVE future TOY SALES, Oscar CREATES A SMALL EXPLOSION FROM FLASH PAPER. Fortunately, since he is facing a COWARDLY LION, this ACTUALLY WORKS.
Monkey: My hero!
Theodora: My hero!
Disney: Our hero!
Monkey: Allow me to swear eternal, life bound loyalty to you, oh stranger I have never met! I'm sure this will not be used against me in the next five minutes!
Oscar: Well, now that we have this whole loyalty thing down, I'm not actually the wizard.
Monkey: We really need to rethink this whole lifebound bond thing.
Everybody except for the MONKEY who HAS TO DRAG THE BAG rolls into the Emerald City which is all GLISTENING and GREEN.
Evanora: Let me get this straight: this person just fell from the sky and you've decided that he's the wizard, a job that just happens to include full access to the marvelous treasury of Oz?
Me: On the bright side, this does confirm that the security issues of Oz have been around for awhile.
Theodora: Yes. Also I am in love with him and am going to be his queen!
Evanora: Suddenly, your inability to realize that I'm not so secretly eeevvvil makes considerably more sense.
Oscar: Oooh! Gold! Let me fall into it. Good thing I have no back problems! MINE! ALL! MINE!
Evanora: Well, there's this slight catch. You have to kill a blonde woman.
Oscar: Really?
Evanora: I'm doing what little I can against stereotypes here. Work with me. Tell you what. You can just destroy her wand, since that's worked awesomely well in Harry Potter flicks as a long term solution.
Oscar: Ok, then. We're off to see the Witch, the Wonderful Witch – no, wait, that's copyrighted.
Oscar and the monkey go DOWN the yellow brick road, passing HORSES OF MANY COLORS and SQUIRRELS. A fork in the road allows them to choose between seeing WHAT THEY CAN DO for the BROKEN PEOPLE OF CHINA TOWN, or head to the home of the WICKED WITCH who BROKE THEM.
Oscar and monkey: Detour time!
Little china girl, who in a nice touch looks REMARKABLY LIKE the John O'Neill illustrations of Dorothy: My legs!
Oscar: Wow, this feels remarkably similar to an earlier scene in the movie. Only, because you aren't exactly a real human, I can heal you – with glue!
China girl: That's just as well, since this only happened because the Wicked Witch decided to PUNISH us for your arrival.
Oscar: Look, if you're going to guilt trip me, I'm just going to let you head back to the Emerald City all by yourself.
China girl: Wait, you're letting me – a little, fragile, girl – walk all the way to the Emerald City alone even though a Wicked Witch is out there ready to kill me?
Oscar: A film watched by many Americans every year can't be all wrong, can it?
China girl: Well, since I can't convince you by logic, I shall instead sob and sob and guilt trip you into taking me along, and then come dangerously close to a copyright violation. I can't imagine why you wouldn't want me around at this stage.
Monkey: So, now that that's settled, I think we're all going to die.
China girl and Oscar: Er, why exactly?
Monkey: We're SURROUNDED BY creepy yellow eyes!
Oscar: Oh, that’s just to remind everyone that this is a 3D film. What's that?
Monkey: The HOUSE of the Wicked Witch! Appropriately gloomy, isn't it?
A MYSTERIOUS CLOAKED woman, in an apparent attempt to CHANNEL GALADRIEL, more or less FLOATS through LOTS AND LOTS of VERY FAKE fog to place a WAND right by a CEMETARY gate.
Oscar: Since that's not suspiciously convenient at all, I'll just go ahead and try to steal that wand, then. Here's the plan.
Monkey: SNEEZE.
Oscar: Or, we can just skip the plan. Monkey, go make animal sounds as a DISTRACTION.
Monkey: MOOOO! (No, really. He moos. In a related note, Microsoft word believes the sentence "He moos" is perfectly correct in grammar and spelling. Exactly why have we placed our trust in Microsoft again? But I digress.)
Oscar: I have the wand! I – Ooooh, hello!
Monkey: Who is this masked woman anyway?
Glinda: Glinda the Good. You can tell the Good part, because I'm blonde.
Oscar: Although so far, all I know about you is that you like to prowl around graveyards and haunted looking castles in foggy weather, since you look just like the woman I left behind in Kansas, I shall now decide that you are COMPLETELY TO BE TRUSTED. Apparently I have never heard of Evil Twins.
Glinda: Evanora made everyone HATE ME! Though, in fairness, given the way I've been acting in the last five minutes, that couldn't have been TOO difficult.
Evanora: Curse her!
Theodora: Hmm. I haven't made a bad or misguided judgement call for the last ten minutes of the film. Let's change that.
Evanora: And I haven't tried to kill or manipulate ANYONE for the last ten minutes. Let's change that too. Theodora, the Wizard is a womanizer. Uh, you know, it's kinda difficult to feel evil when I'm telling the truth here and also kinda acting as if I'd do you myself. Let's dig deeper. Theodora! Since the Wizard is a womanizer who seduced you and dumped you for a woman with a strange fondness for fog and graveyards, you need to turn evil. I know, I know. As character motivation it's not much. But it's all the film is going to give you, so work with me!
Glinda: Although I have amazing magical powers and could probably just gang up with Theodora to SAVE OZ from Evanora's generally EXCELLENT MANAGEMENT, I am instead WAITING FOR A MAN to COME AND SAVE OZ, just because MY FATHER SAID SO.
Oscar: About this whole fighting witches thing – can we just skip to the part where I get to sleep with you and fulfill all of those desperate desires I had for Sally back in Kansas? Wait. Is this just possibly a wish fulfillment, and not reality?
Film: We don't want to go there.
Oscar: But that could actually be interesting!
Film: Exactly why we're not going there!
Evanora: ATTACK!
Evanora SENDS multiple flying monkeys which if not QUITE as scary as the ones in the earlier film, do an effective job of convincing the FOUR YEAR OLD in our row that he REALLY NEEDS SOME POPCORN. Adults ATTEMPT TO HUSH HIM UP, causing your snarker to MISS SOME OF THE NEXT FEW MINUTES. When we return, MORE RUNNING IS HAPPENING just before Oscar, Glinda, the monkey and the china girl JUMP OFF A CLIFF which would be more IMPRESSIVE if the monkey DIDN'T HAVE WINGS and the rest DIDN'T HAVE BUBBLES.
Film: To remind you that THIS IS OZ, here, have some rainbows. And some rainbows. And then, some rainbows.
Oscar: Although I have done almost nothing good hearted in this entire movie, I shall somehow be able to slide through this MAGICAL BARRIER that only lets GOOD HEARTED PEOPLE and BUBBLES through. Hmm. This may explain WHY Glinda's father told her to WAIT FOR A GUY. Hello Oz people and Munchkins! Hello start of the Yellow Brick Road!
Theodora: This is so upsetting, I need an Evil Apple.
Evanora: Always happy to oblige.
Theodora: What's happening?
Evanora: The apple spell may need just a touch of work. In my defense, running a kingdom AND maintaining a Secret Evil Identity doesn't leave a lot of spare time for Evil DNA manipulation.
Theodora: But you've – you've – you've made me into Margaret Hamilton!
Evanora: If only I had.
Audience: No kidding.
Quadlings: To defeat the Evil Witches, I shall make scarecrows! Get it? SCARECROWS?
Tinkers: To defeat the Evil Witches, we shall make Steampunk Wheelchairs! [Actually that was kinda cool.]
Munchkins: To defeat the Evil Witches, we shall sing!
Oscar: Er, no need.
Munchkins: But how else can we generate wild speculation about just how close this film is coming to major copyright violations?
Theodora: Hi! I'm all Green and Evil now. You'd think this would give me a reason to KILL people, but instead I shall just go round and round blowing SMOKE at people, which does have a chance of giving everyone here LUNG CANCER so really should count. Evil! Evil threats! Evil!
Everyone: We got it.
Theodora: EVIL EVIL!
Everyone: GOT IT.
Theodora: EVIL!
After still MORE SMOKY EVILNESS, Theodora FLIES OFF ON HER BROOM, as the audience WISTFULLY THINKS of Margaret Hamilton.
Evanora: Look, I can only do so much. PREPARE FOR WAR.
Oscar: Although you are incredibly wise, powerful, and blonde, oh Glinda, this can't possibly work. The army sucks and I have no strategy. Oh, if only a secondary character could come to me now and offer me some seemingly UNRELATED POINT which will SHOW ME HOW we can do this!
China girl: I want my parents back.
Oscar: Although I could presumably head back to your town and pick up the SHATTERED FRAGMENTS OF YOUR FAMILY, since this film has ALREADY SHOWN that I can HEAL CHINA DOLLS with the STRENGTH OF GLUE, that would SLOW DOWN the film STILL MORE and not ALLOW me to realize that MODERN TECHNOLOGY is MORE POWERFUL THAN MAGIC! Glinda! Find those Tinker folks!
Tinker: I'll just channel my inner Morgan Freeman here and try not to think how much more money I could have made in The Dark Knight flicks.
Glinda: Wizard, I shall kiss your forehead for, um, protection. And a callback to the previous film. And to ensure you pay no attention to the cleavage behind those gowns when you get there.
Oscar and gang: We are just completely innocent arrivals to the Emerald City, here on official business. And to prove that, we shall thump Bruce Campbell on the head.
Bruce Campbell: Well, I'm convinced. Let them in!
Me: As I was saying, about those security arrangements in the Emerald City...
Oscar: Ok, so, now we're in the city, I'll just, go run off then.
Supporting cast members: Since you’ve been an upstanding character so far, we'll express our shock at this, trying to make this CONVINCING so that the audience can be ALL SURPRISED later when you return.
Audience: Fail.
Supporting cast members: Look, we can do only so much with this script.
Oscar: So, I'll just, um, fill this basket up with a lot of gold in a completely not suspicious way at all then! Although this does raise the question: with this much heavy gold in the basket, how exactly is it supposed to GO UP?
CGI effects: You called?
Witches, sporting properly wicked clothing: There are SOLDIERS entering the POPPY FIELDS, REBELLING AGAINST US! So, although the MAP has clearly indicated that these are DEADLY POPPY FIELDS, which we should be aware of since they are WITHIN SIGHT OF THE CITY, so this cannot be our first encounter with them, we shall SEND MOST OF OUR FLYING MONKEY ARMY OUT AGAINST THEM! Go, Monkeys! GO!
Monkeys PROMPTLY FALL ASLEEP.
Witches: How exactly did we take over this country again?
Glinda's Combined Forces of People Witches Underestimate: YAY US!
Witches: Monkeys! Do something!
Monkeys manage to CAPTURE Glinda, who DROPS her wand, conveniently ALLOWING the little china girl to PICK IT UP so she will have a REASON to be in the MOVIE LATER. Proving that YES, she DOES INDEED run AWESOME FETISH PARTIES, Evanora TIES GLINDA UP in a very S&M sort of way and gets ready to INDULGE HER ELECTRIC KINK by COPYING EMPEROR PALPATINE's ELECTRIC BOLT TRICK, before everyone is DISTRACTED by the image of Oscar FLYING AWAY IN THE BALLOON.
Witches: AUUGH! The Wizard is FLYING away with LOTS of gold! HMM! Rather than TAKE this AWESOME OPPORTUNITY to get RID of one of our enemies so that we can KILL Glinda, we'll just – shoot down his balloon!
Oscar's balloon GOES UP IN FLAMES, showering HOT but FORTUNATELY COMPLETELY FAKE gold ALL OVER EVERYONE. Remarkably, NOTHING ELSE catches on fire. Even more remarkably, SOME OF THE CHARACTERS LOOK UPSET.
Monkey: SNIFFLE.
Oscar: Since we're surrounded by a lot of potentially hostile witnesses and within sight of the Wicked Witches who need to think that I'm DEAD and not DISGUISED AS A WINKIE SOLDIER, let me take this moment to say Hi Monkey!
Monkey: Since you've treated me terribly throughout this entire film, I'll just not at all suspiciously LEAP into your arms right in sight of the Wicked Witches who will NEVER EVER wonder why a Monkey is HUGGING A WINKIE GUARD and saying YAY you're alive! Wait, maybe that does explain things.
Oscar: Never mind that. It's time to show everyone how EVIL can be defeated?
Monkey: How?
Oscar: With special effects!
In a scene that will seem REMARKABLY FAMILIAR to many people, suddenly, with a PUFF, the TORCHES AROUND THE CIRCLE of the main Emerald City Plaza BLOW OUT. Music plays. A SINGLE WHITE STAR LIGHT firework SAILS over the audience, sparking off a SERIES of fireworks as IMAGES continue to appear on the LARGE ROUND GLOBE of SMOKE in the center. The Orlando audience GASPS in mingled horror and disbelief before COLLAPSING in LAUGHTER.
Orlando audience: Wait. A Disney film is saying that the only thing that can save the Emerald City is the EPCOT Illuminations: Reflections of Earth show?
Disney: You are surprised?
Orlando audience: Surprise is perhaps not the word we are looking for.
Disney: Let's pretend that it's a nice metaphor of how COMPUTERED ENTERTAINMENT can be more powerful than ANYTHING, including MAGIC. And literature!
Possibly remembering the HUGE CROWDS that INEVITABLY follow the show as everyone heads to the Epcot exits, Evanora and Theodora PANIC, allowing Glinda to GET AWAY.
Witches: We have to FIGHT!
Oscar: NO ONE DEFIES OZ!
Witches: Got a point there. FLEE!
Oscar: Theodora, if you're good, and I think we all know how I'm defining "good" here, you can always come back.
Wicked Witch: ...I think I'll see what the going rate is on Broadway, thanks.
Glinda, having gotten her WAND back, FIGHTS Evanora by AIMING a WAND at Evanora's CHEST. Neither woman COMMENTS on this as they FLY ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND with the help of WIRES and GREEN SCREEN shooting CGI EFFECTS at each other. Overcome from all the MILD SEXUAL TENSION, Evanora COLLAPSES to the floor, finding that her GREEN NECKLACE has SPLATTERED EVERYWHERE and she is now UGLY AND OLD, not that this means that ALL UGLY PEOPLE are evil and everything -- oh, wait.
Evanora: Well. Glad everyone around here's so grateful.
Oscar: Well. Glad everyone around here's so competent. And since we've learned that RULING OZ is BAD FOR YOUR MORAL HEALTH, if NOT YOUR WARDROBE, Oz! I set you free!
Tinker: Oh, Glinda. Your father would have been SO PROUD that you helped this man lie and cheat his way to power only to destroy the monarchy! Incredibly enough I'm not being ironic here.
Oscar: Remember everyone, Oscar Diggs died so the Wizard can live. Now, before anyone can think too hard about this, first, remember, the witches will be back! So it's important for us to keep focusing on the development of SPECIAL EFFECTS since apparently, you know, learning ACTUAL MAGIC won't work. Second, we haven't had a call back to the 1939 film in some time. Let's change this as I give out terrible gifts to everyone. And kiss Glinda. Which is less related to the earlier film but at least might convince the audience that at least our romance had some plot development.
Audience: Not really. Where are the slippers?
#
Seriously. Oz is saved by the Illuminations: Reflections of Earth show. I realize Hollywood is struggling for new ideas, but stealing from a theme park fireworks show is a new one for me.
Film OPENS with a moment of terror as the audience LEARNS that YES, Hollywood is indeed creating A SECOND SMURF MOVIE. Before the audience can FULLY RECOVER, a second moment of terror FOLLOWS as the audience realizes that YES, HOLLYWOOD WAS SERIOUS about making yet another film based on a STEPHANIE MEYER NOVEL. Fortunately, before everyone RUSHES TO THE EXIT in terror, the DISNEY CASTLE APPEARS on the screen.
In a META MOMENT, the film pushes THROUGH the doors of the DISNEY castle to assure EVERYONE that whatever may happen NEXT, it at least will not involve SMURFS or SPARKLY VAMPIRES. Audience BREATHES deeply as the CAMERA pushes through a black and white stage and through a series of admittedly KINDA COOL if RATHER OVERDONE black and white credits takes us to a travelling circus in Kansas and back to the OLD STYLE movie ratios and BLACK AND WHITE FILM.
Film: Hi! It's 1905, which given that this is in theory showing the events that occurred several years before the events of a book originally published in 1900, might be SLIGHTLY CONFUSING. Let's DISTRACT everyone with some CLOWNS.
Me: Please don't go there please don't go there.
Oscar Diggs the Wizard: Hi! I'm Oscar, small time circus conjurer and master of cheap tricks and little moving pictures of elephants, which will temporarily lure some of you into assuming the writers of this film actually read some of the Oz books. In a FAILED effort to show me as a successful womanizer, I shall try to seduce this young woman with a lovely tale of my grandmother and a music box. Let's dance.
Assistant, who will later be a monkey, but isn't now: Or, you know, work.
Oscar: I'm about to GET LAID HERE.
Assistant: Food is also a good thing.
Oscar: All right. Since I'm a generous guy, I'll give you far less of the take than you deserve.
Assistant: You'd think all of this treatment would make me plan to assassinate you, or at least hand you over to this young woman's boyfriend, but apparently it is TOO EARLY for PLOT development. Let's go MAGIC.
Oscar: Magic!
Young girl in wheelchair: Since you've made someone FLOAT, I will of course believe that you can make someone walk. Heal me!
Oscar: Awkward!
Assistant: Pay no attention to that cyclone behind the tents!
Sally: Oscar! To suggest that someone attached to this movie has actually read the books, I'm here to tell you that I may be marrying a man called Mr. Gale – Gale! Gale! Get it?
Oscar: Kinda ignoring the cyclone here.
Sally: Though – though – if you --?
Oscar: I'm not a good man. I know you think I am, but I have to say this, and act this, so we can later have CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Plus, Kansas is full of GOOD MEN, and yet look how BLACK AND WHITE everything is! I want to be a COLORFUL GREAT MAN! Like, um, Houdini! No. Wait. That sounded bad. Edison!
Assistant: Not to interrupt this stirring discussion, but you're kinda being chased by an Angry Clown.
Me: AUUGH.
Angry Clown and Strongman BURST into Oscar's caravan. Oscar performs a SILLY magic trick to ESCAPE which leads to a CHASE SCENE.
Assistant: Pay no attention to – wait, maybe we should be paying attention.
Oscar, paying no attention, JUMPS INTO a HOT AIR BALLOON.
Assistant: Given the way you've been treating me so far, it's not clear why I don't just let you fly off. But that would cause later Plot Problems. So. Here's your Magic Hat! And your Magic Bag! And your Magic Cyclone!
Oscar: Wait. What?
Cyclone ENVELOPS Oscar and several other ELEMENTS FROM THE CIRCUS spinning them ROUND AND ROUND in a fashion REMINSCENT of the 1939 movie only CONSIDERABLY less realistic because CGI. Apparently REALIZING THIS, the CGI THUMPS THINGS through the basket of the hot air balloon, remarkably MOSTLY MISSING the ACTUAL, FRAGILE balloon but getting to SHOW OFF the 3D effects. Film EXPANDS into color.
Walt Disney World: We know you were hoping for a bit of narrative here, but, since we're kinda hoping to make a ride later, mind if we just swoop the film off for some waterfalls and white water rafting scenes? Look, Florida's hot. Our theme parks need water rides! Oh, ok then. Have a rainbow or two.
Theme park and video game tie-in KINDA OVER, Oscar LANDS in water SURROUNDED by DAZZLING special effects. He LOOKS UP to see a woman in an EQUALLY DAZZLING LARGE RED HAT which she has SOMEWHAT INEXPLICABLY PAIRED with VERY TIGHT LEATHER PANTS.
Some audience members: It's not THAT inexplicable.
Theodora the Red Witch: Be careful of the river fairies!
Oscar: What river fairies?
Theodora: The ones a magical computer is about to conjure RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Prepare to act!
Oscar ACTS.
Theodora: Right. Memo. Next time, cast an actor better at interacting with the CGI. Not that I'm in a position to talk. Anyway, hello, Great Wizard! I KNEW the prophecy was true!
Oscar: Well, given that I've just completely accepted the presence of little CGI fairies without blinking, I'll go for this as well. Incidentally, where I am?
Theodora: Oz. I know it looks like Avatar, but, honestly, Oz. Oh, Wizard. Although I am a great and powerful witch in five minutes of talking to you I have FALLEN in love. Despite my travels and my excellent pants I apparently DON'T GET OUT MUCH. Let's go to the Emerald City.
Oscar: Emeralds, huh?
Theodora: And gold!
Oscar: Good thing we failed to establish earlier that there's a girl back in Kansas that I'm deeply in love with who would presumably be worried about my absence, and that a previous movie on this theme suggested that the people back home would worry about me, because, you know, gold! Let's go!
Theodora: Also, I should mention I'm a witch.
Oscar: Oh, let's just skip past nuance and leap into stereotypes. Where's your broom?
Theodora: Broom?
Oscar: Enough hinting to the audience about your eventual fate! Let's go!
Theodora: I should mention, we're being hunted by a Wicked Witch. Use your magic!
Oscar: Er.
Theodora: Use something to move along the plot!
Oscar: Got it!
Theodora: Oh, that was romantic. So is this fire! So is all of this! Well, it kinda isn't, but work with me here.
Oscar: Ok then! Since I have only one way to show romance and affection, here, have a music box! Please don't ask why I brought these along on a hot air balloon instead of, as a random thought, water!
Theodora: Despite my very tight pants, no one has EVER given me a gift before! I KNOW. Let's hurry to the kiss before the audience starts to doubt that.
Oscar: You'd think I'd know enough about Evil Plots to realize that whenever you get the girl this early in the film, things won't go well. Ok! Let us march on!
Theodora: You must – you must – save the monkey!
Oscar: Seriously?
Theodora: Seriously. Disney needs to sell some toys.
To support his CORPORATE OVERLORDS, Oscar walks over to the monkey and BEGINS TO CUT IT FREE, just as a LION ATTACKS.
Oscar: Some help here?
Theodora: What, and prove useful?
In a desperate attempt to SAVE future TOY SALES, Oscar CREATES A SMALL EXPLOSION FROM FLASH PAPER. Fortunately, since he is facing a COWARDLY LION, this ACTUALLY WORKS.
Monkey: My hero!
Theodora: My hero!
Disney: Our hero!
Monkey: Allow me to swear eternal, life bound loyalty to you, oh stranger I have never met! I'm sure this will not be used against me in the next five minutes!
Oscar: Well, now that we have this whole loyalty thing down, I'm not actually the wizard.
Monkey: We really need to rethink this whole lifebound bond thing.
Everybody except for the MONKEY who HAS TO DRAG THE BAG rolls into the Emerald City which is all GLISTENING and GREEN.
Evanora: Let me get this straight: this person just fell from the sky and you've decided that he's the wizard, a job that just happens to include full access to the marvelous treasury of Oz?
Me: On the bright side, this does confirm that the security issues of Oz have been around for awhile.
Theodora: Yes. Also I am in love with him and am going to be his queen!
Evanora: Suddenly, your inability to realize that I'm not so secretly eeevvvil makes considerably more sense.
Oscar: Oooh! Gold! Let me fall into it. Good thing I have no back problems! MINE! ALL! MINE!
Evanora: Well, there's this slight catch. You have to kill a blonde woman.
Oscar: Really?
Evanora: I'm doing what little I can against stereotypes here. Work with me. Tell you what. You can just destroy her wand, since that's worked awesomely well in Harry Potter flicks as a long term solution.
Oscar: Ok, then. We're off to see the Witch, the Wonderful Witch – no, wait, that's copyrighted.
Oscar and the monkey go DOWN the yellow brick road, passing HORSES OF MANY COLORS and SQUIRRELS. A fork in the road allows them to choose between seeing WHAT THEY CAN DO for the BROKEN PEOPLE OF CHINA TOWN, or head to the home of the WICKED WITCH who BROKE THEM.
Oscar and monkey: Detour time!
Little china girl, who in a nice touch looks REMARKABLY LIKE the John O'Neill illustrations of Dorothy: My legs!
Oscar: Wow, this feels remarkably similar to an earlier scene in the movie. Only, because you aren't exactly a real human, I can heal you – with glue!
China girl: That's just as well, since this only happened because the Wicked Witch decided to PUNISH us for your arrival.
Oscar: Look, if you're going to guilt trip me, I'm just going to let you head back to the Emerald City all by yourself.
China girl: Wait, you're letting me – a little, fragile, girl – walk all the way to the Emerald City alone even though a Wicked Witch is out there ready to kill me?
Oscar: A film watched by many Americans every year can't be all wrong, can it?
China girl: Well, since I can't convince you by logic, I shall instead sob and sob and guilt trip you into taking me along, and then come dangerously close to a copyright violation. I can't imagine why you wouldn't want me around at this stage.
Monkey: So, now that that's settled, I think we're all going to die.
China girl and Oscar: Er, why exactly?
Monkey: We're SURROUNDED BY creepy yellow eyes!
Oscar: Oh, that’s just to remind everyone that this is a 3D film. What's that?
Monkey: The HOUSE of the Wicked Witch! Appropriately gloomy, isn't it?
A MYSTERIOUS CLOAKED woman, in an apparent attempt to CHANNEL GALADRIEL, more or less FLOATS through LOTS AND LOTS of VERY FAKE fog to place a WAND right by a CEMETARY gate.
Oscar: Since that's not suspiciously convenient at all, I'll just go ahead and try to steal that wand, then. Here's the plan.
Monkey: SNEEZE.
Oscar: Or, we can just skip the plan. Monkey, go make animal sounds as a DISTRACTION.
Monkey: MOOOO! (No, really. He moos. In a related note, Microsoft word believes the sentence "He moos" is perfectly correct in grammar and spelling. Exactly why have we placed our trust in Microsoft again? But I digress.)
Oscar: I have the wand! I – Ooooh, hello!
Monkey: Who is this masked woman anyway?
Glinda: Glinda the Good. You can tell the Good part, because I'm blonde.
Oscar: Although so far, all I know about you is that you like to prowl around graveyards and haunted looking castles in foggy weather, since you look just like the woman I left behind in Kansas, I shall now decide that you are COMPLETELY TO BE TRUSTED. Apparently I have never heard of Evil Twins.
Glinda: Evanora made everyone HATE ME! Though, in fairness, given the way I've been acting in the last five minutes, that couldn't have been TOO difficult.
Evanora: Curse her!
Theodora: Hmm. I haven't made a bad or misguided judgement call for the last ten minutes of the film. Let's change that.
Evanora: And I haven't tried to kill or manipulate ANYONE for the last ten minutes. Let's change that too. Theodora, the Wizard is a womanizer. Uh, you know, it's kinda difficult to feel evil when I'm telling the truth here and also kinda acting as if I'd do you myself. Let's dig deeper. Theodora! Since the Wizard is a womanizer who seduced you and dumped you for a woman with a strange fondness for fog and graveyards, you need to turn evil. I know, I know. As character motivation it's not much. But it's all the film is going to give you, so work with me!
Glinda: Although I have amazing magical powers and could probably just gang up with Theodora to SAVE OZ from Evanora's generally EXCELLENT MANAGEMENT, I am instead WAITING FOR A MAN to COME AND SAVE OZ, just because MY FATHER SAID SO.
Oscar: About this whole fighting witches thing – can we just skip to the part where I get to sleep with you and fulfill all of those desperate desires I had for Sally back in Kansas? Wait. Is this just possibly a wish fulfillment, and not reality?
Film: We don't want to go there.
Oscar: But that could actually be interesting!
Film: Exactly why we're not going there!
Evanora: ATTACK!
Evanora SENDS multiple flying monkeys which if not QUITE as scary as the ones in the earlier film, do an effective job of convincing the FOUR YEAR OLD in our row that he REALLY NEEDS SOME POPCORN. Adults ATTEMPT TO HUSH HIM UP, causing your snarker to MISS SOME OF THE NEXT FEW MINUTES. When we return, MORE RUNNING IS HAPPENING just before Oscar, Glinda, the monkey and the china girl JUMP OFF A CLIFF which would be more IMPRESSIVE if the monkey DIDN'T HAVE WINGS and the rest DIDN'T HAVE BUBBLES.
Film: To remind you that THIS IS OZ, here, have some rainbows. And some rainbows. And then, some rainbows.
Oscar: Although I have done almost nothing good hearted in this entire movie, I shall somehow be able to slide through this MAGICAL BARRIER that only lets GOOD HEARTED PEOPLE and BUBBLES through. Hmm. This may explain WHY Glinda's father told her to WAIT FOR A GUY. Hello Oz people and Munchkins! Hello start of the Yellow Brick Road!
Theodora: This is so upsetting, I need an Evil Apple.
Evanora: Always happy to oblige.
Theodora: What's happening?
Evanora: The apple spell may need just a touch of work. In my defense, running a kingdom AND maintaining a Secret Evil Identity doesn't leave a lot of spare time for Evil DNA manipulation.
Theodora: But you've – you've – you've made me into Margaret Hamilton!
Evanora: If only I had.
Audience: No kidding.
Quadlings: To defeat the Evil Witches, I shall make scarecrows! Get it? SCARECROWS?
Tinkers: To defeat the Evil Witches, we shall make Steampunk Wheelchairs! [Actually that was kinda cool.]
Munchkins: To defeat the Evil Witches, we shall sing!
Oscar: Er, no need.
Munchkins: But how else can we generate wild speculation about just how close this film is coming to major copyright violations?
Theodora: Hi! I'm all Green and Evil now. You'd think this would give me a reason to KILL people, but instead I shall just go round and round blowing SMOKE at people, which does have a chance of giving everyone here LUNG CANCER so really should count. Evil! Evil threats! Evil!
Everyone: We got it.
Theodora: EVIL EVIL!
Everyone: GOT IT.
Theodora: EVIL!
After still MORE SMOKY EVILNESS, Theodora FLIES OFF ON HER BROOM, as the audience WISTFULLY THINKS of Margaret Hamilton.
Evanora: Look, I can only do so much. PREPARE FOR WAR.
Oscar: Although you are incredibly wise, powerful, and blonde, oh Glinda, this can't possibly work. The army sucks and I have no strategy. Oh, if only a secondary character could come to me now and offer me some seemingly UNRELATED POINT which will SHOW ME HOW we can do this!
China girl: I want my parents back.
Oscar: Although I could presumably head back to your town and pick up the SHATTERED FRAGMENTS OF YOUR FAMILY, since this film has ALREADY SHOWN that I can HEAL CHINA DOLLS with the STRENGTH OF GLUE, that would SLOW DOWN the film STILL MORE and not ALLOW me to realize that MODERN TECHNOLOGY is MORE POWERFUL THAN MAGIC! Glinda! Find those Tinker folks!
Tinker: I'll just channel my inner Morgan Freeman here and try not to think how much more money I could have made in The Dark Knight flicks.
Glinda: Wizard, I shall kiss your forehead for, um, protection. And a callback to the previous film. And to ensure you pay no attention to the cleavage behind those gowns when you get there.
Oscar and gang: We are just completely innocent arrivals to the Emerald City, here on official business. And to prove that, we shall thump Bruce Campbell on the head.
Bruce Campbell: Well, I'm convinced. Let them in!
Me: As I was saying, about those security arrangements in the Emerald City...
Oscar: Ok, so, now we're in the city, I'll just, go run off then.
Supporting cast members: Since you’ve been an upstanding character so far, we'll express our shock at this, trying to make this CONVINCING so that the audience can be ALL SURPRISED later when you return.
Audience: Fail.
Supporting cast members: Look, we can do only so much with this script.
Oscar: So, I'll just, um, fill this basket up with a lot of gold in a completely not suspicious way at all then! Although this does raise the question: with this much heavy gold in the basket, how exactly is it supposed to GO UP?
CGI effects: You called?
Witches, sporting properly wicked clothing: There are SOLDIERS entering the POPPY FIELDS, REBELLING AGAINST US! So, although the MAP has clearly indicated that these are DEADLY POPPY FIELDS, which we should be aware of since they are WITHIN SIGHT OF THE CITY, so this cannot be our first encounter with them, we shall SEND MOST OF OUR FLYING MONKEY ARMY OUT AGAINST THEM! Go, Monkeys! GO!
Monkeys PROMPTLY FALL ASLEEP.
Witches: How exactly did we take over this country again?
Glinda's Combined Forces of People Witches Underestimate: YAY US!
Witches: Monkeys! Do something!
Monkeys manage to CAPTURE Glinda, who DROPS her wand, conveniently ALLOWING the little china girl to PICK IT UP so she will have a REASON to be in the MOVIE LATER. Proving that YES, she DOES INDEED run AWESOME FETISH PARTIES, Evanora TIES GLINDA UP in a very S&M sort of way and gets ready to INDULGE HER ELECTRIC KINK by COPYING EMPEROR PALPATINE's ELECTRIC BOLT TRICK, before everyone is DISTRACTED by the image of Oscar FLYING AWAY IN THE BALLOON.
Witches: AUUGH! The Wizard is FLYING away with LOTS of gold! HMM! Rather than TAKE this AWESOME OPPORTUNITY to get RID of one of our enemies so that we can KILL Glinda, we'll just – shoot down his balloon!
Oscar's balloon GOES UP IN FLAMES, showering HOT but FORTUNATELY COMPLETELY FAKE gold ALL OVER EVERYONE. Remarkably, NOTHING ELSE catches on fire. Even more remarkably, SOME OF THE CHARACTERS LOOK UPSET.
Monkey: SNIFFLE.
Oscar: Since we're surrounded by a lot of potentially hostile witnesses and within sight of the Wicked Witches who need to think that I'm DEAD and not DISGUISED AS A WINKIE SOLDIER, let me take this moment to say Hi Monkey!
Monkey: Since you've treated me terribly throughout this entire film, I'll just not at all suspiciously LEAP into your arms right in sight of the Wicked Witches who will NEVER EVER wonder why a Monkey is HUGGING A WINKIE GUARD and saying YAY you're alive! Wait, maybe that does explain things.
Oscar: Never mind that. It's time to show everyone how EVIL can be defeated?
Monkey: How?
Oscar: With special effects!
In a scene that will seem REMARKABLY FAMILIAR to many people, suddenly, with a PUFF, the TORCHES AROUND THE CIRCLE of the main Emerald City Plaza BLOW OUT. Music plays. A SINGLE WHITE STAR LIGHT firework SAILS over the audience, sparking off a SERIES of fireworks as IMAGES continue to appear on the LARGE ROUND GLOBE of SMOKE in the center. The Orlando audience GASPS in mingled horror and disbelief before COLLAPSING in LAUGHTER.
Orlando audience: Wait. A Disney film is saying that the only thing that can save the Emerald City is the EPCOT Illuminations: Reflections of Earth show?
Disney: You are surprised?
Orlando audience: Surprise is perhaps not the word we are looking for.
Disney: Let's pretend that it's a nice metaphor of how COMPUTERED ENTERTAINMENT can be more powerful than ANYTHING, including MAGIC. And literature!
Possibly remembering the HUGE CROWDS that INEVITABLY follow the show as everyone heads to the Epcot exits, Evanora and Theodora PANIC, allowing Glinda to GET AWAY.
Witches: We have to FIGHT!
Oscar: NO ONE DEFIES OZ!
Witches: Got a point there. FLEE!
Oscar: Theodora, if you're good, and I think we all know how I'm defining "good" here, you can always come back.
Wicked Witch: ...I think I'll see what the going rate is on Broadway, thanks.
Glinda, having gotten her WAND back, FIGHTS Evanora by AIMING a WAND at Evanora's CHEST. Neither woman COMMENTS on this as they FLY ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND with the help of WIRES and GREEN SCREEN shooting CGI EFFECTS at each other. Overcome from all the MILD SEXUAL TENSION, Evanora COLLAPSES to the floor, finding that her GREEN NECKLACE has SPLATTERED EVERYWHERE and she is now UGLY AND OLD, not that this means that ALL UGLY PEOPLE are evil and everything -- oh, wait.
Evanora: Well. Glad everyone around here's so grateful.
Oscar: Well. Glad everyone around here's so competent. And since we've learned that RULING OZ is BAD FOR YOUR MORAL HEALTH, if NOT YOUR WARDROBE, Oz! I set you free!
Tinker: Oh, Glinda. Your father would have been SO PROUD that you helped this man lie and cheat his way to power only to destroy the monarchy! Incredibly enough I'm not being ironic here.
Oscar: Remember everyone, Oscar Diggs died so the Wizard can live. Now, before anyone can think too hard about this, first, remember, the witches will be back! So it's important for us to keep focusing on the development of SPECIAL EFFECTS since apparently, you know, learning ACTUAL MAGIC won't work. Second, we haven't had a call back to the 1939 film in some time. Let's change this as I give out terrible gifts to everyone. And kiss Glinda. Which is less related to the earlier film but at least might convince the audience that at least our romance had some plot development.
Audience: Not really. Where are the slippers?
#
Seriously. Oz is saved by the Illuminations: Reflections of Earth show. I realize Hollywood is struggling for new ideas, but stealing from a theme park fireworks show is a new one for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-03-17 05:36 am (UTC)