![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessBah. I've had a severe case of the blogging blahs recently. But I sense I'm about to – very briefly – blog with a vengeance here before retreating right back to the blogging blahs. And watching Hurricane Ida swirl round and round. Weather satellites are not always good for me.
But first, a little chat about V, which I finally got around to seeing this weekend. (We're a non-TV household, and for some obscure reason, ABC/Hulu are not putting up new V episodes until Saturday. The next day I'm used to, and a week for particularly popular shows I get, but this seems odd. Anyway.)
Disability fail AND snark! What more do you want?
Show OPENS on a montage of REGULAR Americans, including JULIET, her annoying SON, a PRIEST, a GUY BUYING an engagement ring, a TV DUDE, a TV GIRL, and a WOMAN drinking coffee. Oh, and a DISABLED GUY in a WHEELCHAIR. Everything is SHAKING SLIGHTLY.
DISABLED GUY: Hi Father! Don't ask how I managed to roll myself up to this platform which is COMPLETELY SURROUNDED by STAIRS with NO VISIBLE RAMPS. It's the first of many Disabled Miracles (TM) that we'll be seeing in this episode. It's amazing that they will all HAPPEN to ME since I am CLEARLY UNWORTHY AND UGLY.
Crucifix: In a grand gesture, I shall NEARLY fall on the DISABLED GUY, starting a long, long, line of not even REMOTELY SUBTLE anti-Christian moments in this film.
Priest: Even though the disabled guy has been able to push himself UP STAIRS, he is clearly INCAPABLE of pushing himself out of the way of a LARGE CRUCIFIX or even NOTICING IT because, you know, he's DISABLED, so I SHALL PUSH HIM out of the way. Disabled miracle two!
Catholic church: Clearly, we need to focus a little harder on attaching our crucifixes to the wall. Also, our PR and general education.
Engagement lady: Since my books and my bookshelf are crashing down, I shall get…under them. You'd think disaster movies would have taught me something.
Random dude in plane CRASHES, FALLS OUT in parachute, and DIES.
Aliens: Whoops!
ABC: Nope, we have no problem whatsoever referencing 9-11 and then showing a plane crashing in NYC. We have no shame. Our lack of shame would be less surprising if we weren't a) a television show and if this weren't b) our second series premiere in two months featuring crashing planes.
Aliens: Since we're annoyed by the implication that our arrival is getting compared to the JFK assassination, we shall arrive in a showy and ominous manner JUST TO SHOW everyone that we are FAR MORE DRAMATIC than THAT.
Annoying son: To show how rebellious I am, I shall ignore my mother's wise instructions to stay where I am and instead jump on a motorcycle even though the ground is shaking. I sense I shall not be one of the sensible characters of this show. However, eventually even I will be stopped in amazement at the sight of the alien ship.
Various people: Although we are experiencing our first alien contact, we still retain enough of our native New York hostility to yell at the idiot kid on the motorcycle as he weaves through traffic. Go us.
Alien ship: In retrospect, we should have realized that unmasking over a large urban area would mean that the skyscrapers would block out what would otherwise be an impressive first view of our ship. Another reason why we should have gone to Disney World.
National Guard: Hey, did WE arrive quickly and declare this a restricted area or what?
Annoying son: My bike!
National Guard: Kid, aliens!
Annoying son: You don't seriously think that aliens are going to replace my bike.
National Guard: You're going to be the most annoying character on the show, aren't you?
Random street people interviewed on television: Holy crap, this is EXACTLY like Independence Day the film! What were the odds?
Juliet: I'm going in there to get my son!
National Guard dude: No, you aren't! Although it seems kinda pointless since everybody in there is just…milling about, I am expressly keeping everybody out. Unless I get distracted by a random fight.
National Guard dude is DISTRACTED by a RANDOM FIGHT. Juliet DUCKS under a barricade and FINDS her son.
Juliet: Well, that was easy.
Alien ship: Now that you two have been reunited, time to set the city into a panic!
Ship starts to OPEN and everyone PANICS. Incredibly, NO ONE appears to be holding up a cell phone or camera to DOCUMENT the event. Morena Baccarin's face APPEARS on the ship.
A giant red V appears on the screen, DRIPPING red in an alarmingly bloody manner.
Characters: Fortunately, we didn't see that, which will help explain our incredible upcoming naivety.
Morena: First, the bad news: on this show, I'm not offering highly trained sex to anyone. Now, the good news. For the low, low price of water and some abundant chemicals on your planet, we're willing to give you lots of technology! Hopefully, technology that includes this awesome translation program that's allowing us to broadcast in multiple languages throughout the planet right now! We are so happy about this I can't stop smiling even while assuring you how terribly distraught we all are about all those deaths and things earlier. I can't give any details and I will only be talking to your world leaders, who amazingly I've been able to identify nearly immediately, which would be even more inexplicable if I hadn't also mastered so many human languages so quickly, but I assure you, we are at peace. Always.
Everyone on earth: Wow! We see absolutely nothing suspicious about this at all! APPLAUSE!
Paris: Um, WHEN is this? If it's still 7 or 8 am in New York City, why is it ALREADY DARK here? And why have the aliens arrived on the American time schedule?
Rio de Janeiro: Dunno. It's dawn here. But wait! Did you NOTICE THAT? FOR ONCE, we are AMONG THE GREAT WORLD CITIES THREATENED BY ALIENS! See what getting an Olympic bid does for your intergalactic street cred?
Mexico City: Damn it!
Most of Africa: Don't mind us. In this case, we're probably better off being ignored.
Pyramids: We're not ENTIRELY sure why we were singled out for alien treatment, given that the only thing directly around us is hotels, and if aliens really wanted to connect with the Arabic people they'd be better off settling over Cairo, not us, but, hey! Maybe they DID build us and all this hovering is just a nice way to revive some nostalgia here.
Several non-English speaking New Yorkers and tourists: Because she spoke in English, we have NO IDEA what she just said, but everyone's rejoicing, so, yay! Also, we have suddenly remembered that our cell phones take pictures, so, double yay!
Jack the Priest: Although I am Christian, and although the Vatican has apparently already announced, in a surprisingly rapid decision, that we are all god's children, which is a very nice sentiment, I shall point out that rattlesnakes are god's creatures too. And we all know what rattlesnakes are.
Ecologists: An important, critical apex predator that helps control the population of mice, rats and other vermin?
Jack the Priest:…No. And because I am clearly not galatically motivated, I'm at a loss to explain how aliens and God can exist in the same universe! I can defend this, because apparently Microsoft Word doesn't recognize the word "galatically," and when Microsoft is on your side…Actually, this wasn't in the script and is probably the fault of the snarky typist's inability to spell, so let's just move on to the part where I deny that an almighty, all powerful god who spun out billions and billions and billions of galaxies in a incomprehensively large universe could have just thrown in some extra aliens along the way, showcasing just how narrow minded Christianity can be. Way to go for the pro-Catholic message here.
Unhelpful older priest: All we can do is minister to our congregation.
Jack the priest: Yes, but I'm such a lousy priest that our congregation is now two vagabonds, a heroin addict and Roy.
Older priest: That may be, but remember: Roy is a miracle wheelchair guy– whoa! People have shown up to church after aliens have revealed their existence! What were the odds?
Extras: Well, if we'd known about your earlier conversation, we probably would have headed to a better church for the spiritual consolation we were hoping for, but, hey, we're here now! Preach on, brother!
Irritated ABC News: Uh, V, why are you showing fake clips from a fake CNN instead of throwing ABC World News Tonight a nice promotional bone here?
Juliet: Although, you know, ALIENS have arrived, and I'm properly apprehensive about their term for themselves, Visitors, I've decided to keep monitoring terrorist chatter, which is helpfully marked out for me by a handy little computer chart that goes up and down!
Alan Tudyk: But, aliens! Not that I'm one of them, mind you.
Juliet: It's like the all time perfect terrorist moment, while we're all distracted and stuff. And look, one of the terrorist cells has actually started TALKING MORE since the aliens arrived! Obviously, this isn't just because EVERYONE is talking about aliens! It's a CLEAR PLOT POINT!
Alan Tudyk: I'd dispute this logic, but I've read the script. Also, I must appear to go along with this to eliminate any suspicion that I'm an alien!
Aliens ARRIVE and HEAD to the U.N., wearing REMARKABLY CONTEMPORARY FASHIONS. No one questions WHERE she got her lipstick.
Teenage boys: Damn, she's hot. [Actual quote.]
Juliet: Right here, guys. Man, you lose Sawyer to Kate and…
Teenage boys: Damn, she's hot.
Morena: Again, the sex was on the OTHER show. I'm just here to say, We Are At Peace. Look, we didn't exactly have time to hire marketing dudes, ok? I had enough problems tracking down the lipstick.
Everybody: Despite watching years and years of films where aliens EAT humans and BLOW them up, you're so hot we have to trust you! Yay!
Press: Except us, cause, well, we're press. It's our job to be annoying.
ABC Nightly News, hurriedly: Never mind, V! You just keep pretending that CNN is the only news broadcast around.
TV dude: The aliens have a sense of humor! Who knew?
Everyone: You really need to get out more.
Morena: I want TV dude.
TV dude: It's been three weeks since the Visitors arrived, and the clouds haven't moved at all!
Special effects team: Don't blame us. Did the aliens give US any advanced technology? I don't think so.
Visitors: We can cure 65 illnesses in Visitor healing centers.
Humans: Healing centers? Really? Ok, NOW we'll protest your existence!
Juliet: Since violent street protests aren't dangerous or anything, I'm going to continue to investigate this terrorism lead.
Alan Tudyk: Since you blatantly removed my coffee, I shall come along and make discouraging noises about this whole investigation. Incidentally, I'm not an alien.
Juliet FINDS a dead body but does not CALL the morgue. Also, C4, helpfully labeled as C4, which is remarkably COMPLETELY UNGUARDED except by the dead body and a not very well hidden trapdoor.
Engagement dude: I'm no longer that guy!
Dude on phone: Aliens!
Engagement dude: Look, I can't worry about aliens. I have LUNCH PLANS.
Teenage boys: We're off to see the spaceship!
Cute blonde Visitor: Welcome! Although I am an alien, I have the surprisingly American name of Lisa and have learned the trick of showing a sliver of cleavage to boost ratings and earn the trust of teenage boys!
Aliens, now called Visitors: We can manipulate gravity. Please don't find us suspicious or anything.
Visitor Lisa: Although I'm an alien surrounded by very hot human and alien men, I shall flirt with… the teenage boys. My priorities might need a little work here.
Priest: I shall show off my Christian spirit by urging everyone to be suspicious and mistrustful!
Old priest: Look, dude. These aliens have driven in more parishioners than we've seen in years. Let's not get critical. Remember, we've got a giant crucifix that needs replacing!
Priest: But they showed up right when we need them the most! Since that obviously CAN'T be an example of the MYSTERIOUS WORKINGS of God, I shall ignore my religious training go right to Suspicion! Also, people are about to grateful! Which could turn into worship! Or worse, DEVOTION!
Wheelchair dude: Hey! Although your church's lack of building maintenance almost KILLED me, I'm back! And look, by a miracle, I can WALK TWO STEPS without PAIN! Thanks, Vs!
Disability advocates: HEAD THUNK.*
Me: Oh, for Chri….
Juliet: I can't help but notice, son, that you are spray painting walls and getting obsessed with aliens. Since this couldn't possibly be a natural reaction to the unexpected arrival of, you know, ALIENS, and the complete transformation of human history, I'll just go ahead and ask: Is this because of your missing father?
Juliet's annoying son: To prove I am the single most irritating character on the show, I'll admit that, yes, this is all about being irritated with YOU, Juliet, not, you know, the arrival of ALIENS.
Engagement dude's phone rings with an UNKNOWN number.
Engagement girl: Although this is a rather common experience, and although I'm totally happy with these not at all suspicious aliens who can manipulate gravity but need water, these calls from an UNKNOWN number make me suspicious.
Looking for terrorists, Juliet and Alan HEAD to another house, which has already been COMPLETELY trashed.
Juliet: Either these guys seriously need to talk to their maid, or, they knew we were coming. Someone tipped them off. You are not remotely suspicious, Alan!
Alan: I am an awesome actor. Why do all my directors keep doing Mean Things to Me?
Terrorist dude: In an astounding display of utter incompetence, I shall leave my cell phone for the FBI to find.
Juliet and Alan: Good thing, too. Because otherwise, frankly, we haven't much of a plot here.
Strange dude: Priest, I know why the Vs are here! They're here to obliterate us!
Priest: Er, are you bleeding to death?
Strange dude: Ignore that! Take this dramatically blood stained envelope to these people!
Priest: Although I should call 911 or call for help or try to stop the bleeding or something, I shall instead take a moment to stare dramatically at this envelope while you are bleeding to death. Seriously, I am the WORST PRIEST EVER.
Morena: Now, don't ask any questions that would put us in a negative light!
TV dude: I'm a journalist!
Morena: Well, I'm kinda expecting that YOU'LL be in a negative light. But, you know, our magical powers only go so far.
TV dude: Yes, but to deflect attention away from the atrocity that is the American media, I kinda HAVE to try to put you in a negative light.
Morena: But I'm HOT! Plus, don't you want to elevate your career?
TV dude: Well, I'm a journalist so by definition I have no morals whatsoever, so, sure! Plus, the hotness is pretty distracting.
Priest, Juliet and Alan HEAD to secret meeting.
Alan: I shall try to distract you from going. Did I mention that I'm not an alien?
Underground group: We are meeting in an abandoned warehouse and have several people standing around with guns. Because this isn't SUSPICIOUS ENOUGH, we are now going to INJECT YOU.
Morena: Now that I'm on camera, let me assure you that I'm here to discuss any and all topics without reserve. And also, to show off the shortness of my skirt and my hot legs.
Captain Mal: If you had worn THAT skirt, we could have resolved some of that sexual tension!
Underground group: And now, to further lull your suspicions, we shall rip off part of your skin and SHOW YOUR SKULL.
Juliet: Look, I've got coworkers that I've got to return to. Speaking of whom – didn't I tell my partner to raise the alarm after 30 minutes? We're honestly expected to believe that this group shot everybody up with anesthetic and exposed the bare skulls of everyone here within 30 minutes?
Writers: That Paris scene? In there to show that we don't have the best grasp on time.
Alan: I would have raised the alarm, but, um, I was busy with all that proving that I'M SO NOT AN ALIEN!
Underground group: The Visitors have been here for years! You didn't seriously think they mastered all human languages within fifteen minutes of getting here, did you? Not to mention the lipstick.
Juliet: I've been kinda focused on terrorists, not language issues.
Morena: Our world is beautiful! Cities! Oceans! Not sure why we left, really. Also, we don't have countries. We are one unified race! Don't find this suspicious! We hold humanity in a high regard cause, you're like intelligent, or something. Well, based on our last three weeks here, maybe not that intelligent.
Underground group: Actually, the Visitors are planning to exterminate us!
Morena: Happiness comes from tranquility and peace. And short skirts!
Underground group: They've embedded themselves among us to cause instability! Unnecessary wars! Which, come to think of it, is kinda odd, given that humans are pretty good at causing instability and unnecessary wars all by themselves.
Morena: Embrace change!
Juliet's annoying son: I'm so in.
Underground group: The Visitors will use universal health care to COMPLETELY take over as part of their EVIL PLAN. Not that we should be reading in any comparisons to the Obama administration or anything here.
Priest: And I have proof! Look, bloodstained pictures of Visitors!
Juliet: That guy's a terrorist!
Underground group: SEE?
Alien robot ENTERS underground group's lair and begins RANDOMLY KILLING people.
Underground group: Yeah, THAT lulls our suspicions! Thanks!
Alien robot is FOLLOWED by only SLIGHTLY LESS suspicious humans who immediately begin KILLING EVERYONE.
Alan: Don't look at me, even though I've completely failed to send in back up or anything, because, I'm not an alien!
Alan suddenly ATTACKS Juliet.
Alan: Or, you know, maybe I am. Just maybe.
Juliet KNOCKS Alan on the head with a convenient PIPE which EXPOSES his ALIEN skull.
Juliet: You know, I expect that if we had universal health care allowing everyone to receive medical checkups, this sort of thing might have been discovered MUCH SOONER.
Engagement dude: While we're all sharing here, I might as well point out that I'm an alien too. Don't ask how my fiancée has never found out. Or about the sex. Also there are other traitors and deserters out there, just to keep things Complicated.
Juliet: Did you WATCH the last show I was on? This is NOTHING.
TV dude: Now that the interview is over and I have helped LULL my fellow citizens to death, I shall finally admit that I don't trust Morena.
Visitor: But she's hot! And, you'll have a worldwide audience hanging on to your every word.
TV dude: There is that.
Engagement Girl: I feel horrible. I assumed you were cheating on me so I snooped around and found this diamond ring which was obviously for me and not for the other girl I assumed you were seeing. You were going to ask me to marry you, weren't you?
Engagement Dude: Well, yes, but, slight complication!
Juliet: I have no trust anymore!
Priest: Trust no one! Wait. Wrong show.
Juliet: We'll fight!
Priest: Yay! Yes, let's fight!
Catholic church: For the record, we were SO not consulted in the making of this episode. Geesh.
Visitors: To the dawn of a New Day! Which we can only hope brings us Better Scripts.
* Frankly, this deserves a separate post. If I have the spoons for it.
But first, a little chat about V, which I finally got around to seeing this weekend. (We're a non-TV household, and for some obscure reason, ABC/Hulu are not putting up new V episodes until Saturday. The next day I'm used to, and a week for particularly popular shows I get, but this seems odd. Anyway.)
Disability fail AND snark! What more do you want?
Show OPENS on a montage of REGULAR Americans, including JULIET, her annoying SON, a PRIEST, a GUY BUYING an engagement ring, a TV DUDE, a TV GIRL, and a WOMAN drinking coffee. Oh, and a DISABLED GUY in a WHEELCHAIR. Everything is SHAKING SLIGHTLY.
DISABLED GUY: Hi Father! Don't ask how I managed to roll myself up to this platform which is COMPLETELY SURROUNDED by STAIRS with NO VISIBLE RAMPS. It's the first of many Disabled Miracles (TM) that we'll be seeing in this episode. It's amazing that they will all HAPPEN to ME since I am CLEARLY UNWORTHY AND UGLY.
Crucifix: In a grand gesture, I shall NEARLY fall on the DISABLED GUY, starting a long, long, line of not even REMOTELY SUBTLE anti-Christian moments in this film.
Priest: Even though the disabled guy has been able to push himself UP STAIRS, he is clearly INCAPABLE of pushing himself out of the way of a LARGE CRUCIFIX or even NOTICING IT because, you know, he's DISABLED, so I SHALL PUSH HIM out of the way. Disabled miracle two!
Catholic church: Clearly, we need to focus a little harder on attaching our crucifixes to the wall. Also, our PR and general education.
Engagement lady: Since my books and my bookshelf are crashing down, I shall get…under them. You'd think disaster movies would have taught me something.
Random dude in plane CRASHES, FALLS OUT in parachute, and DIES.
Aliens: Whoops!
ABC: Nope, we have no problem whatsoever referencing 9-11 and then showing a plane crashing in NYC. We have no shame. Our lack of shame would be less surprising if we weren't a) a television show and if this weren't b) our second series premiere in two months featuring crashing planes.
Aliens: Since we're annoyed by the implication that our arrival is getting compared to the JFK assassination, we shall arrive in a showy and ominous manner JUST TO SHOW everyone that we are FAR MORE DRAMATIC than THAT.
Annoying son: To show how rebellious I am, I shall ignore my mother's wise instructions to stay where I am and instead jump on a motorcycle even though the ground is shaking. I sense I shall not be one of the sensible characters of this show. However, eventually even I will be stopped in amazement at the sight of the alien ship.
Various people: Although we are experiencing our first alien contact, we still retain enough of our native New York hostility to yell at the idiot kid on the motorcycle as he weaves through traffic. Go us.
Alien ship: In retrospect, we should have realized that unmasking over a large urban area would mean that the skyscrapers would block out what would otherwise be an impressive first view of our ship. Another reason why we should have gone to Disney World.
National Guard: Hey, did WE arrive quickly and declare this a restricted area or what?
Annoying son: My bike!
National Guard: Kid, aliens!
Annoying son: You don't seriously think that aliens are going to replace my bike.
National Guard: You're going to be the most annoying character on the show, aren't you?
Random street people interviewed on television: Holy crap, this is EXACTLY like Independence Day the film! What were the odds?
Juliet: I'm going in there to get my son!
National Guard dude: No, you aren't! Although it seems kinda pointless since everybody in there is just…milling about, I am expressly keeping everybody out. Unless I get distracted by a random fight.
National Guard dude is DISTRACTED by a RANDOM FIGHT. Juliet DUCKS under a barricade and FINDS her son.
Juliet: Well, that was easy.
Alien ship: Now that you two have been reunited, time to set the city into a panic!
Ship starts to OPEN and everyone PANICS. Incredibly, NO ONE appears to be holding up a cell phone or camera to DOCUMENT the event. Morena Baccarin's face APPEARS on the ship.
A giant red V appears on the screen, DRIPPING red in an alarmingly bloody manner.
Characters: Fortunately, we didn't see that, which will help explain our incredible upcoming naivety.
Morena: First, the bad news: on this show, I'm not offering highly trained sex to anyone. Now, the good news. For the low, low price of water and some abundant chemicals on your planet, we're willing to give you lots of technology! Hopefully, technology that includes this awesome translation program that's allowing us to broadcast in multiple languages throughout the planet right now! We are so happy about this I can't stop smiling even while assuring you how terribly distraught we all are about all those deaths and things earlier. I can't give any details and I will only be talking to your world leaders, who amazingly I've been able to identify nearly immediately, which would be even more inexplicable if I hadn't also mastered so many human languages so quickly, but I assure you, we are at peace. Always.
Everyone on earth: Wow! We see absolutely nothing suspicious about this at all! APPLAUSE!
Paris: Um, WHEN is this? If it's still 7 or 8 am in New York City, why is it ALREADY DARK here? And why have the aliens arrived on the American time schedule?
Rio de Janeiro: Dunno. It's dawn here. But wait! Did you NOTICE THAT? FOR ONCE, we are AMONG THE GREAT WORLD CITIES THREATENED BY ALIENS! See what getting an Olympic bid does for your intergalactic street cred?
Mexico City: Damn it!
Most of Africa: Don't mind us. In this case, we're probably better off being ignored.
Pyramids: We're not ENTIRELY sure why we were singled out for alien treatment, given that the only thing directly around us is hotels, and if aliens really wanted to connect with the Arabic people they'd be better off settling over Cairo, not us, but, hey! Maybe they DID build us and all this hovering is just a nice way to revive some nostalgia here.
Several non-English speaking New Yorkers and tourists: Because she spoke in English, we have NO IDEA what she just said, but everyone's rejoicing, so, yay! Also, we have suddenly remembered that our cell phones take pictures, so, double yay!
Jack the Priest: Although I am Christian, and although the Vatican has apparently already announced, in a surprisingly rapid decision, that we are all god's children, which is a very nice sentiment, I shall point out that rattlesnakes are god's creatures too. And we all know what rattlesnakes are.
Ecologists: An important, critical apex predator that helps control the population of mice, rats and other vermin?
Jack the Priest:…No. And because I am clearly not galatically motivated, I'm at a loss to explain how aliens and God can exist in the same universe! I can defend this, because apparently Microsoft Word doesn't recognize the word "galatically," and when Microsoft is on your side…Actually, this wasn't in the script and is probably the fault of the snarky typist's inability to spell, so let's just move on to the part where I deny that an almighty, all powerful god who spun out billions and billions and billions of galaxies in a incomprehensively large universe could have just thrown in some extra aliens along the way, showcasing just how narrow minded Christianity can be. Way to go for the pro-Catholic message here.
Unhelpful older priest: All we can do is minister to our congregation.
Jack the priest: Yes, but I'm such a lousy priest that our congregation is now two vagabonds, a heroin addict and Roy.
Older priest: That may be, but remember: Roy is a miracle wheelchair guy– whoa! People have shown up to church after aliens have revealed their existence! What were the odds?
Extras: Well, if we'd known about your earlier conversation, we probably would have headed to a better church for the spiritual consolation we were hoping for, but, hey, we're here now! Preach on, brother!
Irritated ABC News: Uh, V, why are you showing fake clips from a fake CNN instead of throwing ABC World News Tonight a nice promotional bone here?
Juliet: Although, you know, ALIENS have arrived, and I'm properly apprehensive about their term for themselves, Visitors, I've decided to keep monitoring terrorist chatter, which is helpfully marked out for me by a handy little computer chart that goes up and down!
Alan Tudyk: But, aliens! Not that I'm one of them, mind you.
Juliet: It's like the all time perfect terrorist moment, while we're all distracted and stuff. And look, one of the terrorist cells has actually started TALKING MORE since the aliens arrived! Obviously, this isn't just because EVERYONE is talking about aliens! It's a CLEAR PLOT POINT!
Alan Tudyk: I'd dispute this logic, but I've read the script. Also, I must appear to go along with this to eliminate any suspicion that I'm an alien!
Aliens ARRIVE and HEAD to the U.N., wearing REMARKABLY CONTEMPORARY FASHIONS. No one questions WHERE she got her lipstick.
Teenage boys: Damn, she's hot. [Actual quote.]
Juliet: Right here, guys. Man, you lose Sawyer to Kate and…
Teenage boys: Damn, she's hot.
Morena: Again, the sex was on the OTHER show. I'm just here to say, We Are At Peace. Look, we didn't exactly have time to hire marketing dudes, ok? I had enough problems tracking down the lipstick.
Everybody: Despite watching years and years of films where aliens EAT humans and BLOW them up, you're so hot we have to trust you! Yay!
Press: Except us, cause, well, we're press. It's our job to be annoying.
ABC Nightly News, hurriedly: Never mind, V! You just keep pretending that CNN is the only news broadcast around.
TV dude: The aliens have a sense of humor! Who knew?
Everyone: You really need to get out more.
Morena: I want TV dude.
TV dude: It's been three weeks since the Visitors arrived, and the clouds haven't moved at all!
Special effects team: Don't blame us. Did the aliens give US any advanced technology? I don't think so.
Visitors: We can cure 65 illnesses in Visitor healing centers.
Humans: Healing centers? Really? Ok, NOW we'll protest your existence!
Juliet: Since violent street protests aren't dangerous or anything, I'm going to continue to investigate this terrorism lead.
Alan Tudyk: Since you blatantly removed my coffee, I shall come along and make discouraging noises about this whole investigation. Incidentally, I'm not an alien.
Juliet FINDS a dead body but does not CALL the morgue. Also, C4, helpfully labeled as C4, which is remarkably COMPLETELY UNGUARDED except by the dead body and a not very well hidden trapdoor.
Engagement dude: I'm no longer that guy!
Dude on phone: Aliens!
Engagement dude: Look, I can't worry about aliens. I have LUNCH PLANS.
Teenage boys: We're off to see the spaceship!
Cute blonde Visitor: Welcome! Although I am an alien, I have the surprisingly American name of Lisa and have learned the trick of showing a sliver of cleavage to boost ratings and earn the trust of teenage boys!
Aliens, now called Visitors: We can manipulate gravity. Please don't find us suspicious or anything.
Visitor Lisa: Although I'm an alien surrounded by very hot human and alien men, I shall flirt with… the teenage boys. My priorities might need a little work here.
Priest: I shall show off my Christian spirit by urging everyone to be suspicious and mistrustful!
Old priest: Look, dude. These aliens have driven in more parishioners than we've seen in years. Let's not get critical. Remember, we've got a giant crucifix that needs replacing!
Priest: But they showed up right when we need them the most! Since that obviously CAN'T be an example of the MYSTERIOUS WORKINGS of God, I shall ignore my religious training go right to Suspicion! Also, people are about to grateful! Which could turn into worship! Or worse, DEVOTION!
Wheelchair dude: Hey! Although your church's lack of building maintenance almost KILLED me, I'm back! And look, by a miracle, I can WALK TWO STEPS without PAIN! Thanks, Vs!
Disability advocates: HEAD THUNK.*
Me: Oh, for Chri….
Juliet: I can't help but notice, son, that you are spray painting walls and getting obsessed with aliens. Since this couldn't possibly be a natural reaction to the unexpected arrival of, you know, ALIENS, and the complete transformation of human history, I'll just go ahead and ask: Is this because of your missing father?
Juliet's annoying son: To prove I am the single most irritating character on the show, I'll admit that, yes, this is all about being irritated with YOU, Juliet, not, you know, the arrival of ALIENS.
Engagement dude's phone rings with an UNKNOWN number.
Engagement girl: Although this is a rather common experience, and although I'm totally happy with these not at all suspicious aliens who can manipulate gravity but need water, these calls from an UNKNOWN number make me suspicious.
Looking for terrorists, Juliet and Alan HEAD to another house, which has already been COMPLETELY trashed.
Juliet: Either these guys seriously need to talk to their maid, or, they knew we were coming. Someone tipped them off. You are not remotely suspicious, Alan!
Alan: I am an awesome actor. Why do all my directors keep doing Mean Things to Me?
Terrorist dude: In an astounding display of utter incompetence, I shall leave my cell phone for the FBI to find.
Juliet and Alan: Good thing, too. Because otherwise, frankly, we haven't much of a plot here.
Strange dude: Priest, I know why the Vs are here! They're here to obliterate us!
Priest: Er, are you bleeding to death?
Strange dude: Ignore that! Take this dramatically blood stained envelope to these people!
Priest: Although I should call 911 or call for help or try to stop the bleeding or something, I shall instead take a moment to stare dramatically at this envelope while you are bleeding to death. Seriously, I am the WORST PRIEST EVER.
Morena: Now, don't ask any questions that would put us in a negative light!
TV dude: I'm a journalist!
Morena: Well, I'm kinda expecting that YOU'LL be in a negative light. But, you know, our magical powers only go so far.
TV dude: Yes, but to deflect attention away from the atrocity that is the American media, I kinda HAVE to try to put you in a negative light.
Morena: But I'm HOT! Plus, don't you want to elevate your career?
TV dude: Well, I'm a journalist so by definition I have no morals whatsoever, so, sure! Plus, the hotness is pretty distracting.
Priest, Juliet and Alan HEAD to secret meeting.
Alan: I shall try to distract you from going. Did I mention that I'm not an alien?
Underground group: We are meeting in an abandoned warehouse and have several people standing around with guns. Because this isn't SUSPICIOUS ENOUGH, we are now going to INJECT YOU.
Morena: Now that I'm on camera, let me assure you that I'm here to discuss any and all topics without reserve. And also, to show off the shortness of my skirt and my hot legs.
Captain Mal: If you had worn THAT skirt, we could have resolved some of that sexual tension!
Underground group: And now, to further lull your suspicions, we shall rip off part of your skin and SHOW YOUR SKULL.
Juliet: Look, I've got coworkers that I've got to return to. Speaking of whom – didn't I tell my partner to raise the alarm after 30 minutes? We're honestly expected to believe that this group shot everybody up with anesthetic and exposed the bare skulls of everyone here within 30 minutes?
Writers: That Paris scene? In there to show that we don't have the best grasp on time.
Alan: I would have raised the alarm, but, um, I was busy with all that proving that I'M SO NOT AN ALIEN!
Underground group: The Visitors have been here for years! You didn't seriously think they mastered all human languages within fifteen minutes of getting here, did you? Not to mention the lipstick.
Juliet: I've been kinda focused on terrorists, not language issues.
Morena: Our world is beautiful! Cities! Oceans! Not sure why we left, really. Also, we don't have countries. We are one unified race! Don't find this suspicious! We hold humanity in a high regard cause, you're like intelligent, or something. Well, based on our last three weeks here, maybe not that intelligent.
Underground group: Actually, the Visitors are planning to exterminate us!
Morena: Happiness comes from tranquility and peace. And short skirts!
Underground group: They've embedded themselves among us to cause instability! Unnecessary wars! Which, come to think of it, is kinda odd, given that humans are pretty good at causing instability and unnecessary wars all by themselves.
Morena: Embrace change!
Juliet's annoying son: I'm so in.
Underground group: The Visitors will use universal health care to COMPLETELY take over as part of their EVIL PLAN. Not that we should be reading in any comparisons to the Obama administration or anything here.
Priest: And I have proof! Look, bloodstained pictures of Visitors!
Juliet: That guy's a terrorist!
Underground group: SEE?
Alien robot ENTERS underground group's lair and begins RANDOMLY KILLING people.
Underground group: Yeah, THAT lulls our suspicions! Thanks!
Alien robot is FOLLOWED by only SLIGHTLY LESS suspicious humans who immediately begin KILLING EVERYONE.
Alan: Don't look at me, even though I've completely failed to send in back up or anything, because, I'm not an alien!
Alan suddenly ATTACKS Juliet.
Alan: Or, you know, maybe I am. Just maybe.
Juliet KNOCKS Alan on the head with a convenient PIPE which EXPOSES his ALIEN skull.
Juliet: You know, I expect that if we had universal health care allowing everyone to receive medical checkups, this sort of thing might have been discovered MUCH SOONER.
Engagement dude: While we're all sharing here, I might as well point out that I'm an alien too. Don't ask how my fiancée has never found out. Or about the sex. Also there are other traitors and deserters out there, just to keep things Complicated.
Juliet: Did you WATCH the last show I was on? This is NOTHING.
TV dude: Now that the interview is over and I have helped LULL my fellow citizens to death, I shall finally admit that I don't trust Morena.
Visitor: But she's hot! And, you'll have a worldwide audience hanging on to your every word.
TV dude: There is that.
Engagement Girl: I feel horrible. I assumed you were cheating on me so I snooped around and found this diamond ring which was obviously for me and not for the other girl I assumed you were seeing. You were going to ask me to marry you, weren't you?
Engagement Dude: Well, yes, but, slight complication!
Juliet: I have no trust anymore!
Priest: Trust no one! Wait. Wrong show.
Juliet: We'll fight!
Priest: Yay! Yes, let's fight!
Catholic church: For the record, we were SO not consulted in the making of this episode. Geesh.
Visitors: To the dawn of a New Day! Which we can only hope brings us Better Scripts.
* Frankly, this deserves a separate post. If I have the spoons for it.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-08 11:34 pm (UTC)It's criminal to pick among the wonders, but
Terrorist dude: In an astounding display of utter incompetence, I shall leave my cell phone for the FBI to find.
Juliet and Alan: Good thing, too. Because otherwise, frankly, we haven't much of a plot here.
seriously startled the dog when I hooted.
Will you write the next dopey-SF-show, please?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-09 01:25 pm (UTC)And I snark anything terrible that runs across my way. Hopefully the Xmas film season will provide one or two opportunities.