Lost: What Kate Did

[mariness]

1. This has nothing to do with the episode really, but, we're going down to freezing temperatures AGAIN in central Florida? Maybe we are turning into a whacked out island. I'll go look for polar bears. (We actually do have polar bears about twenty minutes from here. SCARY THOUGHT.)

2. Jacob, or Smoke Monster, whichever one of you is hiring the Japanese Samurai guy, you'd probably get more efficient results from him if you gave him a nice powerful laptop with a huge hard drive and lots of ram instead of this manual typewriter. Also, he could play his tunes while working which would add a much needed sense of cheer to the place. I'm just saying.

3. Sayid: What happened to me? You became a subject of much internet speculation, my hot friend. Not remotely surprising that it made you a little light headed.

4. "You died." "And nobody thought to have any coffee for my resurrection? You guys suck." Well, that was what I was thinking. If I get drowned in a pool and then come back to life minutes or hours later I so want a nice cup of hot chocolate around.

5. "He's an Iraqi torturer who shoots kids. He definitely deserves another go around." Yes, but, Sawyer, what I think you're missing here is that he's an incredibly hot Iraqi torturer who shoots kids. That makes a critical difference.

6. "Thinking about running, Kate." SEE, Jack! Some people are sensible enough to realize that old temples filled with pirates (wyldemusick thought the costumers were going for a vaguely hippy/Polynesian inspired look and he's probably right but I got "pirate") and weird bubbling pools that restore Iraqi torturers to life are not really the best places for a calm quiet and happy life.

7. See, Kate, and here I thought I couldn't like you any less, and then you threatened a nice pregnant woman with a gun. Also, forcing a taxicab driver to run someone over is not exactly going to be helping your court case later. Think of the future, Kate!

8. Yeah, taxicab driver, given what usually happens to minor characters and extras on Lost, running is absolutely the right decision here. Bonus: you don't have to spend time with Kate.

9. Miles is growing on me.

10. Jack is not.

11. "Something tells me that you're not going to be happy to tell us anything." In fairness to the Others, Jack, they have five seasons of Lost tradition of not telling us anything to live up to. Don't make them break down now just because they're wearing pirate costumes.

12. Jack. Miles JUST TOLD US that Hurley is the new leader. Do you see Hurley starting fights with armed men who have just proven that they can resurrect torturers? No, no you do not. THINK JACK – wait. I forgot who I was talking to. Carry on, Jack.

13. "Don't come after me." And yes, Kate, HE MEANS YOU. Specifically.

14. Kate. He just told you not to come after him.

15. Hey, Jin got more dialogue! There's hope for this season yet!

16. Yes, Kate, feel the guilt. You just robbed a pregnant woman.

17. I'm not a doctor, but I have to say, I'm not sure that electrocuting a recently resurrected guy is the standard operating procedure. Wouldn't a chocolate milkshake be better?

18. I admit, I am unsure why, now that Claire has her cash back, she is choosing to ride with Kate instead of, I dunno, getting another taxi that's not driven by a murdering hostage taker. It's just a suggestion.

19. "We're protecting you." "From what?" Kate, exactly how long have you been on this island? FROM EVERYTHING. It's an EVIL ISLAND.

20. I'd say it's amazing how quickly the Others have come to share my dislike for Kate, except, it's not.

21.Hell of a way to win trust and influence, Kate. Can I ask why this show isn't knocking Kate on the head?

22. Thank you, show, for pointing out Jack's multiple leadership deficiencies.

23. Wait a minute…is Jack actually trying the honest ignorance here?

24. Sayid-who-might-not-be-Sayid, we've just had a lovely moment where the Samurai has correctly explained just why you should not be placing any faith in Jack's judgement. Listen to the Samurai, Sayid-who-might-not-be-Sayid! Sure, he may be a mean evil torturing bastard Samurai, but in this case, he has a point!

25. See, show, this is why you should have given Jin more dialogue last season. It's not just that he has by far the most beautiful face of any man on the show and thus deserves to have a camera on him. Important though that is. It's that he actually says sensible things.

26. Kate. JULIET DIED LESS THAN A DAY AGO. Seriously. Have some class. Any class.

27. "Will you come in with me?" For once, I have to go with Kate's reaction on this one. Claire, you're asking someone who was in handcuffs and just took you as a hostage not all that long ago to join you in facing the adoptive parents of your unborn child. Anyone else getting a really bad vibe about these adoptive parents?

28. Yeah, I think we can confirm that bad vibe. DUDE. I'm all for you leaving your wife and stuff, but couldn't you have taken five minutes to make a courtesy call to Australia to spare a pregnant woman a rather dangerous flight at this stage of her pregnancy – the stage where most airlines don't even want you on the plane and not incidentally the stage where anything exhausts you much less a long flight of that kind and your back already hurts without the added strain of those awful airline seats? YOU SUCK.

29. "I know I should have called you." No kidding. WORST ADOPTIVE PARENTS EVER. Adoptive parents, when you have me agreeing with Kate, YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM. And what is this "I can't do this on my own" crap. Plenty of single mothers do this EVERY DAY. You wanted a baby and made poor Claire fly all the way out here. I so want to sic Ben and Sayid both on you. In whatever reality.

30. Kate. Please go away and let Sawyer cry over his memories of Juliet in peace. Spying, completely the wrong approach at this time.

31. Sniffle.

32. OOH! ETHAN! And on a small note, my point about the evilness of the island is made. Stay on the island and end up running round and round and round in the jungle and getting shot by Boone. Escape the island just before a nuclear blast and become a happy and well to do physician with an excellent bedside manner in L.A. This is all so awesome I'm almost willing to overlook the unlikelihood of anyone, even Kate, being able to walk up to a doctor in a hospital and ask for help, although I'm all for the extreme likelihood of leaving a terrified woman in contractions in the ER for hours without having a doctor chat with her. Another reason you should have stayed in Australia, Claire.

33. Jack, you could take some lessons in bedside manners from Ethan. This guy is great.

34. Huh. Kate admitting to responsibility. I feel all discombobulated here. What show am I watching?

35. It's a pretty ring, Sawyer! Save – oh, never mind. But honestly, the way people on this show just litter EVERYTHING is really getting to me. THINK OF THE FISH, PEOPLE! What if you knocked a little fish on the head with that ring? That's exactly what I thought.

36. Wait. The geography of this island is seriously confusing me. How far away is this temple if they could walk to the Dharma barracks through the jungle and back by nightfall on a day that has already included a drowning, a resurrection and torture? And why, if it's so close, was Jin the only person to run into the Temple previously and why didn't the Dharma Initiative and thus the head of security Sawyer know about it and…I'm never going to get the answers to any of this, am I?

37. Samurai: You just have to trust me. Dude, you may not have noticed, but this is not the best island for building up trust and confidence.

38. "I don't trust myself. How am I supposed to trust you." In fairness, Jack, pretty much everyone on the island, with the possible exception of Kate, can be more trusted than you.

39. Samurai, we could save everyone a lot of time here and let us get back to the cool stuff with not-really-Locke if you just give us a list of imaginary ingredients. No one has said you have to say what's actually in the pill.

40. Jack. In theory, YOU ARE A DOCTOR. In theory, you think that the lives of the rest of the group depend upon you. And yet you are going to swallow a pill even though, as you keep telling us, you don't know what's in it. For all you know it's cyanide. Or digitalis. Or the ashes of Elvis. Maybe not the ashes of Elvis. Maybe it's polar bear meat! Poor polar bears.

41. Lennon dude: "He swallowed it?" I hear you, dude. I know, I know. It's hard to deal with Jack, isn't it? I have to warn you, based on five years of this show so far, it's not going to get any easier, Lennon dude.

42. Oh noes! What happened to island Claire?

Ok, none of this told me:

1. Why no one has hit Kate on the head.

2. Why the island sank to the bottom of the sea instead of breaking into little bits.

3. What's up with eyelander dude.

4. Why Samurai dude and Lennon dude didn't just let Jack die.

5. Why a poison pill would only work if Sayid took it willingly. Poison's poison. It'll happily kill unwilling victims as long as it goes down the throat. I have a long history of Agatha Christie novels to back me up on that one.

6. Why the whole torture sequence proved that Sayid has a heart full of darkness, and why we needed a torture scene to show us that anyway. He's an Iraqi torturer whose wife was murdered with the help of Jacob's little distraction technique. We got it, show! Full of darkness!

This sort of told me:

The temple makes people into seriously but seriously Bad Dudes. Which mildly backs up my Jacob is evil theory.

The Dharma Initiative seriously needed to increase their focus on their plumbing skills if only three years past abandonment the sinks weren't working but the outside water faucet for hoses was. Also, while I'm thinking, how come none of the Others found Sawyer's little box of mementos or noticed that the floor had been torn up in all of the years that they were staying in Sawyer and Juliet's house post the Dharma years?