Lost - The Substitute

[mariness]

1. What kind of a sick, sick, bride forces anyone to chose fabric patterns in a bathtub? A bathtub is for enjoyment.

2. Wait, so in sideways universe, Locke's father isn't a horrific asshole (I'm assuming, since Helen wants the father at the wedding, even if it's just the shotgun wedding in Vegas) but Locke still broke his back? Hmm. But didn't Sawyer say that Locke's father had already killed Sawyer's father BEFORE Juliet set off the bomb in 1977, meaning that Locke's father should be a horrific asshole in both universes? Or is Helen just being overly forgiving here?

3. You know, I actually forgot that this show HAD any nice people in it at all? Go Helen! Please don't die in this sideways universe, gulp. Assuming that you stop doing cruel things to people in bathtubs, that is.

4. Yeah, alternate Locke, what with this using the company's dime to pay for your walkabout, I'm kinda thinking that Jacob, the smoke monster and Locke, not entirely responsible for all of your problems here.

5. Hey, Smoke Locke. Let Richard finish drinking before you pull the canteen away from him. And, no offense, but no one is buying the concept that you're actually sorry for hitting him and dragging him in the jungle. Some of your fans might be writing fanfic about the possibilities involved in a thoroughly evil smoke dude punching out an eyeliner guy just so he can tie him up and do strange things to him in the jungle with slightly less confusing pronoun use, but, that's not quite the same as believing your apology, dude.

6. "Why do you look like John Locke?" "Because Terry O'Quinn is about the best actor on the show. No. Wait. A reason less offensive to the rest of the cast. Let me think."

7. Smoke Locke, you're going to have to forgive us for feeling just the leeeeast, the tiniest bit skeptical that you would have treated Richard with respect. Or indeed anyone with respect. Also, candidates. If this show turns into a Republican primary run/convention even my addicted self is so out of here.

8. Waaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt a minute. Smoke Locke sees visions too? What the hell is up with this island? In retrospect, the polar bears look positively logical.

9. "There's a fairly reasonable chance that you won't believe me." Ben, I get the feeling that what with the walking corpse, everyone's willing suspension of disbelief has been raised to sky high levels on this island by now. On the other hand, well, this is you. Let the doubting begin.

10. Least surprising moment of show: Ben lies. Most surprising moment of show: Ilana asks a reasonable, important, and to the point question: "And where's his body?" Thank you, entirely sensible person on show. Please stick around.

11. Wait. Are you putting Jacob's ashes in a Ren Faire style pouch, instead of in a nice sealable and preferably sterile container that can be taken back to a lab for investigative purposes? I take it back. Go away, entirely unscientific person missing a major opportunity here. If those ashes spill someplace accidentally I am so not talking to you. Yes, I am somewhat conflicted about most of the characters on this show. (Except Kate. That is pure unconflicted annoyance.)

12. A minor question, I realize. Why is the power still on and working three years after the Dharma village was so thoroughly trashed? Right! More important questions.

13. It says something that the Hulu commercial break here is featuring a deranged squirrel. I'm just saying. Smoke Monster. Squirrels. You draw the conclusion. (Although still sensing that Smoke Monster will turn out to not be All That Bad.)

14. "You're taking this well." Smoke Locke, we may have to have a little chat about the definition of "well." But, thanks for proving my overall suspension of disbelief point above.

15. Yay Sawyer!

16. "What makes you say that?" Well, Smoke Locke, we could start with the entire problem that John Locke, is, you know, dead, making it just a touch difficult for you to be him.

17. Sign of just how much Smoke Locke's sense of perspective has gotten warped over the years: saying that "Why is Sawyer on this island?" is the most overwhelmingly important question in the world. It may not even be the most overwhelmingly important question on the show. Not to mention ignoring the obvious answer: ratings.

18. I continue to love Hurley in all universes.

19. YAY! More running in the jungle! While we're at it, can I just mention that I cannot think of another show with such contempt for the local, rare, and indigenous wildlife. Are you THINKING about all of the rare beetles that you're crushing right now, Smoke Locke? I didn't think so.

20. Ok, I have to say, I do like the connection between Real Locke and Smoke Locke and Alterative Locke all saying that they don't want to be told what they can't do.

21. I love all of the trust and honesty filling this island. Maybe they should do all just do some more running and beetle crushing instead.

22. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Lost! You can't kill Rose in this universe. You just CAN'T. Well, ok, given your penchant for killing pretty much everyone, I guess you can. But you CAN'T! :: sniffle :: Nice invisible disability bit there, though.

24. I can't decide if I actually like Smoke Locke, or if I'm just getting won over by Terry O'Quinn here. Probably both.

25. "And I'm very sorry I murdered him." ROFL. I'm not sure if it's the delivery, the reactions, or the sense that Ben is only sorry about this because he's got to continue chatting with Smoke Locke anyway.

26. Ok, so, my rant about the walkabout was totally wrong, but I will still say that we shouldn't leap to conclusions about stuff.

27. Show, if you kill Helen after this, we are SO OVER.

:: sniffle ::

28. Ah, lovely. Another mysterious location with another difficult approach, since the one thing this show has been failing to provide is mysterious locations that are difficult to approach. Just to repeat earlier observations: a) How big is this island? and b) is anyone else continuing to get a sort of Myst/Riven vibe from this island?

29. Suggestion, Sawyer: maybe wait for Smoke Locke to get off the rickety ladder before you add your weight to it.

30. The slash, it almost writes itself there, doesn't it? On a related note, Smoke Locke, perhaps you should have chatted with the Dharma Initiative about a friendly new device called an elevator. Or, stone carving equipment for some nice stairs. Just a suggestion.

31. Smoke Locke picks up the White Stone. The significance, it hits me on the head. And is somewhat obscured by my nice thoughts about Sawyer's chest. Let us move on.

32. Memo to Jacob and Smoke Monster: You can, you know, scratch things out on paper instead of mysterious island caves that you have to defy death to return to. Granted that death doesn't seem to be one of your primary concerns anymore, but, you know, still.

33. I just want to say, I thoroughly approve of sideways Ben's focus on fresh coffee and cleanup. Anyone else think that he can actually accomplish more pure evil at a school than as an organizer of assassinations and strange people running through jungles? That's what I thought.

I would also like to know how he managed to get taken to the temple, cured in the temple and get removed from the island just before it sank even though it's not at all clear that Richard and Eloise had enough time to warn the temple people to get off the island, but I am going to guess that that timeline will remain one of Lost's unsolved mysteries. And are all of these island people in L.A. because the strangeness of the movie business now feels like home, or is there another, less sinister reason?

34. "Jacob had a thing for numbers." I recognize this. This is the writer's "You know, I never did think that through, did I? Let's move on!" Not that I'm in a position to critique this sort of writing, I admit.

35. "It's just a damn island." I'm thinking, at this point, that "damn" is not exactly a extensive enough word here.

36. An entire episode without Jack or Kate. Yay show! But an entire show without island Claire. Bad show. Incidentally, delighted to see that Kate wasn't one of the numbers shown, although my guess is that this is less because she isn't a number and more because Smoke Locke finds her as annoying as I do.

Massive kudos for Terry O'Quinn here, for leading me from skepticism to now being thoroughly on Smoke Locke's side. (I admit that his neglect of Kate helped tremendously.) This will doubtless change in the next episode.