An unwondering Alice:
Apr. 7th, 2010 09:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessThe latest version of Alice in Wonderland brings up some intriguing questions, like, why, exactly, is the remake of The Karate Kid based on kung-fu?? (I realize that this is but the start of the many, many questions raised by the trailer, including, but not limited to, why anyone thought that remaking The Karate Kid was a good idea, but, whatever.) Visually, it looks ok. Textually, it sounds less ok. And of course it raised some critical issues of snark.
(Disclaimer: I saw this in 2D, although parts were clearly intended to be seen in 3D. On the bright side it was a lot cheaper that way.)
Alice: Do you think I'm mad?
Alice's kindly father: Yes, yes, but on the bright side, this will give us a movie. And hopefully residuals later. So that's it.
Somewhat older Alice: I shall now compare corsets to codfishes to establish my feminist credentials. Not that anyone was actually asking me to establish them or anything.
Alice's mother: You'd think my work on HBO's Rome would get me better roles.
Alice: To further demonstrate my isolation from Victorian society, I shall step out into this party wearing a dress that is clearly three inches too short, incidentally FORESHADOWING the major costume problems I will be having during this entire film. Instead of commenting on my dress length, everyone will instead chatter about my lack of corsets and stockings, only EMPHASIZING the extreme shallowness of the FEMINIST APPROACH to this film.
Twin sisters: Hi! For no apparent reason, we shall attempt to torture Alice and the audience with hints that we know something that she doesn't, which would be more interesting if it were not absolutely obvious that we are talking about her marriage to the very dull Hamish.
Lowell: Because I apparently need to make a random example of the hideousness of Victorian marriage I shall now make out with a strange woman in an easily found place.
Alice: Lowell!
Lowell: She's, um, just a friend.
Alice: I'm shocked.
Lowell: Seriously?
Alice: Well, I'm shocked that you didn't actually, you know, hide.
Hamish: Look at me! I'm secure enough in my masculinity to ask you to marry me in front of a large crowd of extras.
Alice: I am suddenly incredibly turned on by the rabbit. Gotta go!
In a desperate attempt to find some excuse for the outrageous 3D special effects budget Alice FALLS THROUGH the rabbit hole, making me dizzy, and incidentally allowing the film to make another UNSUBTLE feminist statement since by falling though a LONG DARK HOLE Alice will be able to FIND her TRUE WOMANHOOD along with CLOTHING DIFFICULTIES. I may have been reading TOO MUCH FEMINIST SUBTEXT into this since the film CONSTANTLY WANTED TO THROW IT AT ME, but I am RIGHT ABOUT the clothes.
Alice FINDS several locked doors and a bottle that says Drink Me.
Alice: Hmm.
Alice's dress: PLEASE DON'T!
Alice's petticoat: To show the universal applications of this rather ugly garment, I shall prove that I can cover Alice no matter what size she is.
Alice SHRINKS and GROWS and SHRINKS in a sequence showing the wonders of imagination and green screenscreening. She STUMBLES into WONDERLAND, except that it's NOT REALLY Wonderland, it's another kingdom whose name I missed while trying to locate my gummy bears, abandoning the dress in but the first of many acts of COSTUME CRUELTY.
Caterpillar: Who are you?
Alice: Alice.
Caterpillar: We shall see.
Alice: If you weren't going to believe my answer, why did you ask?
Suddenly, EVERYONE is viciously ATTACKED by a BANDERSNATCH which has a surprisingly short neck and ATTACKS with claws.
Me: Wait, what?
A dormouse SHOOTS the Bandersnatch, which does not EXTEND its neck to bite back since apparently NO ONE BUT ME has ever read the Hunting of the Snark.
Me, muttering: If you'd just read your origin stories, Bandersnatch, you'd be happier right now.
Knight of Hearts: Having learned nothing from other films demonstrating the futility of sending out untrustworthy retainers who work for villains only because their families are held hostage, I shall send out an untrustworthy retainer who works for me only because his family is held hostage. He is a very sad dog, so this should go great.
Cheshire Cat: Hi! I'm one of the two mildly awesome parts of this movie. Just ignore my inexplicable size changes later and we'll all be fine.
Moon: Hi! To further prove that the special effects budget for this film was not entirely wasted, I shall now turn into the Cheshire Cat. Wasn't that awesome?
Alice MEETS the Mad Hatter.
Alice's petticoat: I sense terrible things are about to happen to me. Just as well, since this is a dreadful look, at least for Alice. And it's certainly not boding well for anyone's hopes for a general petticoat revival.
Terrible things HAPPEN to Alice's petticoat. Alice and the Mad Hatter RUN away.
Mad Hatter: To prove I am mad, I shall walk across BURNING RUINS. This will look mildly cool until forty-five minutes later when this scene will prove to be completely nonsensical and contradict much of the less of the film. Focus on my obviously fake eyebrows instead.
Dogs and guards: We are so incompetent, we can be tricked by the simple strategy of jumping behind a tree.
Alice: To remind you of the theme of the movie, I shall make another statement with Obvious Feminist Overtext. No one shall control my dreams! Also, even though I am tiny and defenseless and have only a dog and a hat, I shall head to the palace of the Queen of Hearts to rescue the Mad Hatter! In my defense, she's guarded by the same people that couldn't find me and the Hatter when we ducked behind a tree.
To reach the Queen of Hearts, Alice WALKS on grey faces floating on water, in a scene that should be much more disturbing than it is, and DESTROYS another helpless costume.
Queen of Hearts: Even though I earlier claimed that I would be able to recognize Alice's hair anywhere, I shall now ignore her hair, and welcome her warmly to my court in the name of Um. I love a warm pig for my feet.
Knight of Hearts: Hey, I haven't been competent in this film yet. I'll buy that Alice is actually Um from Umbridge.
Anne Hathaway: I shall temporarily distract the audience by the hellishness of my makeup.
Knight of Hearts: Is it not better to be feared than loved?
Queen of Hearts: I'm not certain.
Knight of Hearts, to Alice: I like you. I like largeness. [Actual quote.]
Alice: Finally, my pretty much forgotten marriage proposal looks tempting!
Bandersnatch: Proving my general ineffectiveness in this film, I shall now be bribed into stillness by the return of my eye. Sniffle. I miss eating Bankers.
The film TEMPORARILY HALTS to let the Queen of Hearts TRY ON HATS.
Queen of Hearts: Well, that was fun. Let me yell more.
Bandersnatch: Well, since we've spent the night together, Alice, I suppose it's only polite for me to lick your arm and give you the key to the vorpal sword.
Knight of Hearts: Um tried to seduce me with her largeness! Really, she did!
Alice: Actually, I'm Alice.
Knight of Hearts: You know, you'd think I would have figured that out.
Alice FAILS to say to the soldiers, "You are all just a pack of computer generated cards!" and instead RUNS AWAY with the Bandersnatch and the dog, leaving the Hatter and the Dormouse in a MEAN DUNGEON, even though the ENTIRE POINT of her GOING to the palace was to rescue the Hatter.
Knight of Hearts: I may have underestimated her.
Queen of Hearts: May?
Anne Hathaway: Please, do ignore my makeup, and the anvils about your Destiny as my Champion. Also, someone needs to talk to you, right now, but –
Alice's most recent costume, now the wrong size, is switched for an even worse one.
Anne Hathaway: Ok, we can all chat now.
Caterpillar: You're almost Alice.
Alice: This could get tedious.
Anne Hathaway: Too late.
Johnny Depp: You know, a large number of my recent flims feature putting me in prison. I might want to look into this.
Mad Hatter: Instead of being executed, I shall let my hat float and float. Wait. I'm not my hat. I'm the Cheshire Cat. Also, I am now going to incite all of the subjects of the Queen of Hearts into a revolution just cause.
The Queen of Hearts: Release the Jubjub bird!
Computer animation: Yay! Battle scene! Or….ok, not really.
Queen of Hearts: Ok, I'm going with the fear! Prepare the Jabberwocky.
Alice: Meanwhile, I shall stand on this balcony.
Anne Hathaway: It's against my vows to harm any living creature.
Alice: But it's just fine to have me as a champion harming living creatures for you?
Anne Hathaway: Pretty much, yes. My moral code, unlike my makeup, is pretty flexible.
For some reason, everybody ESCAPES the Queen of Hearts.
Mad Hatter to Alice: You think this is all a dream.
Alice: Yes.
Mad Hatter: So I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Alice: Yes. I have no tact.
Various champions STEP FORWARD for the FINAL BATTLE. Instead of picking any of them, Anne Hathaway WASTES OUR TIME by making us watch Alice CRY about possibly having to have a fight in a world she doesn't even THINK IS REAL.
Alice: I don't know what to do!
Audience: YES YOU DO. GET ON WITH IT.
Movie FAILS to surprise ANYONE with a FLASHBACK showing that Alice has BEEN TO WONDERLAND before.
Brave computer generated card soldiers march out to meet computer generated white knights, as MY BRAIN refuses to believe that the Bandersnatch would agree to fight the Jabberwocky, especially as something STILL SEEMS TO BE WRONG with his neck. In an unclever touch, everyone MEETS on a giant chessboard.
Anne Hathaway: We don't have to fight! I can slay everyone with my makeup.
Queen of Hearts: Eh, we've struggled through this much of the movie.
Jabberwock: After all of that build up, I turn out to be just a rather ordinary looking dragon. Letdown, I know. On the bright side, I am voiced by Christopher Lee, so right there that makes me mildly awesome.
Alice: I shall now count six impossible things so I can believe that I can kill the Bandersnatch! My lack of logic here should probably count as number even.
Mad Hatter suddenly and blatantly CHEATS, sending EVERYONE except the most powerful fighter, Anne Hathaway's makeup, into battle.
Mad Hatter: For no apparent reason, I can now use a sword. Maybe Jack Sparrow taught me.
The head of the Jabberwock BOUNCES down the stairs, incidentally proving that Microsoft Word, shamefully enough, does not recognize the word "Jabberwock." The computer cards REBEL and the Queen of Hearts and the Knight of Hearts are BANISHED. Alice decides to return to Victorian England without even having to think about it.
Wedding proposal guests: Inexplicably, we are still here. Clearly, we have no lives.
Alice: Look, fighting a dragon has taught me to me how to speak my mind in defiance of Victorian tradition. I am ready to embrace the things I must do in the real world and my destiny. Which turns out to be….increasing Chinese trade?
China: Hi! See, even in the 19th century, we're inexplicably marvelous business partners.
Alice: We shall be the first to open trade routes with China!
Generations of merchants: Er. No.
Guy: And even though you've just humiliated my son by turning him down in front of a huge group of people, and I'm a typical Victorian male with distinct ideas of gender roles, I'll hire you.
Alice SAILS into the sunset that is CHINA with a caterpillar from WONDERLAND on her shoulder, doubtless with implications that are not at all fair to either, that I shall not explore here.
[Seriously….Her destiny is to exploit Chinese labor? You are kidding me, right? RIGHT?]
[No.]
[Chocolate. Now.]
(Disclaimer: I saw this in 2D, although parts were clearly intended to be seen in 3D. On the bright side it was a lot cheaper that way.)
Alice: Do you think I'm mad?
Alice's kindly father: Yes, yes, but on the bright side, this will give us a movie. And hopefully residuals later. So that's it.
Somewhat older Alice: I shall now compare corsets to codfishes to establish my feminist credentials. Not that anyone was actually asking me to establish them or anything.
Alice's mother: You'd think my work on HBO's Rome would get me better roles.
Alice: To further demonstrate my isolation from Victorian society, I shall step out into this party wearing a dress that is clearly three inches too short, incidentally FORESHADOWING the major costume problems I will be having during this entire film. Instead of commenting on my dress length, everyone will instead chatter about my lack of corsets and stockings, only EMPHASIZING the extreme shallowness of the FEMINIST APPROACH to this film.
Twin sisters: Hi! For no apparent reason, we shall attempt to torture Alice and the audience with hints that we know something that she doesn't, which would be more interesting if it were not absolutely obvious that we are talking about her marriage to the very dull Hamish.
Lowell: Because I apparently need to make a random example of the hideousness of Victorian marriage I shall now make out with a strange woman in an easily found place.
Alice: Lowell!
Lowell: She's, um, just a friend.
Alice: I'm shocked.
Lowell: Seriously?
Alice: Well, I'm shocked that you didn't actually, you know, hide.
Hamish: Look at me! I'm secure enough in my masculinity to ask you to marry me in front of a large crowd of extras.
Alice: I am suddenly incredibly turned on by the rabbit. Gotta go!
In a desperate attempt to find some excuse for the outrageous 3D special effects budget Alice FALLS THROUGH the rabbit hole, making me dizzy, and incidentally allowing the film to make another UNSUBTLE feminist statement since by falling though a LONG DARK HOLE Alice will be able to FIND her TRUE WOMANHOOD along with CLOTHING DIFFICULTIES. I may have been reading TOO MUCH FEMINIST SUBTEXT into this since the film CONSTANTLY WANTED TO THROW IT AT ME, but I am RIGHT ABOUT the clothes.
Alice FINDS several locked doors and a bottle that says Drink Me.
Alice: Hmm.
Alice's dress: PLEASE DON'T!
Alice's petticoat: To show the universal applications of this rather ugly garment, I shall prove that I can cover Alice no matter what size she is.
Alice SHRINKS and GROWS and SHRINKS in a sequence showing the wonders of imagination and green screenscreening. She STUMBLES into WONDERLAND, except that it's NOT REALLY Wonderland, it's another kingdom whose name I missed while trying to locate my gummy bears, abandoning the dress in but the first of many acts of COSTUME CRUELTY.
Caterpillar: Who are you?
Alice: Alice.
Caterpillar: We shall see.
Alice: If you weren't going to believe my answer, why did you ask?
Suddenly, EVERYONE is viciously ATTACKED by a BANDERSNATCH which has a surprisingly short neck and ATTACKS with claws.
Me: Wait, what?
A dormouse SHOOTS the Bandersnatch, which does not EXTEND its neck to bite back since apparently NO ONE BUT ME has ever read the Hunting of the Snark.
Me, muttering: If you'd just read your origin stories, Bandersnatch, you'd be happier right now.
Knight of Hearts: Having learned nothing from other films demonstrating the futility of sending out untrustworthy retainers who work for villains only because their families are held hostage, I shall send out an untrustworthy retainer who works for me only because his family is held hostage. He is a very sad dog, so this should go great.
Cheshire Cat: Hi! I'm one of the two mildly awesome parts of this movie. Just ignore my inexplicable size changes later and we'll all be fine.
Moon: Hi! To further prove that the special effects budget for this film was not entirely wasted, I shall now turn into the Cheshire Cat. Wasn't that awesome?
Alice MEETS the Mad Hatter.
Alice's petticoat: I sense terrible things are about to happen to me. Just as well, since this is a dreadful look, at least for Alice. And it's certainly not boding well for anyone's hopes for a general petticoat revival.
Terrible things HAPPEN to Alice's petticoat. Alice and the Mad Hatter RUN away.
Mad Hatter: To prove I am mad, I shall walk across BURNING RUINS. This will look mildly cool until forty-five minutes later when this scene will prove to be completely nonsensical and contradict much of the less of the film. Focus on my obviously fake eyebrows instead.
Dogs and guards: We are so incompetent, we can be tricked by the simple strategy of jumping behind a tree.
Alice: To remind you of the theme of the movie, I shall make another statement with Obvious Feminist Overtext. No one shall control my dreams! Also, even though I am tiny and defenseless and have only a dog and a hat, I shall head to the palace of the Queen of Hearts to rescue the Mad Hatter! In my defense, she's guarded by the same people that couldn't find me and the Hatter when we ducked behind a tree.
To reach the Queen of Hearts, Alice WALKS on grey faces floating on water, in a scene that should be much more disturbing than it is, and DESTROYS another helpless costume.
Queen of Hearts: Even though I earlier claimed that I would be able to recognize Alice's hair anywhere, I shall now ignore her hair, and welcome her warmly to my court in the name of Um. I love a warm pig for my feet.
Knight of Hearts: Hey, I haven't been competent in this film yet. I'll buy that Alice is actually Um from Umbridge.
Anne Hathaway: I shall temporarily distract the audience by the hellishness of my makeup.
Knight of Hearts: Is it not better to be feared than loved?
Queen of Hearts: I'm not certain.
Knight of Hearts, to Alice: I like you. I like largeness. [Actual quote.]
Alice: Finally, my pretty much forgotten marriage proposal looks tempting!
Bandersnatch: Proving my general ineffectiveness in this film, I shall now be bribed into stillness by the return of my eye. Sniffle. I miss eating Bankers.
The film TEMPORARILY HALTS to let the Queen of Hearts TRY ON HATS.
Queen of Hearts: Well, that was fun. Let me yell more.
Bandersnatch: Well, since we've spent the night together, Alice, I suppose it's only polite for me to lick your arm and give you the key to the vorpal sword.
Knight of Hearts: Um tried to seduce me with her largeness! Really, she did!
Alice: Actually, I'm Alice.
Knight of Hearts: You know, you'd think I would have figured that out.
Alice FAILS to say to the soldiers, "You are all just a pack of computer generated cards!" and instead RUNS AWAY with the Bandersnatch and the dog, leaving the Hatter and the Dormouse in a MEAN DUNGEON, even though the ENTIRE POINT of her GOING to the palace was to rescue the Hatter.
Knight of Hearts: I may have underestimated her.
Queen of Hearts: May?
Anne Hathaway: Please, do ignore my makeup, and the anvils about your Destiny as my Champion. Also, someone needs to talk to you, right now, but –
Alice's most recent costume, now the wrong size, is switched for an even worse one.
Anne Hathaway: Ok, we can all chat now.
Caterpillar: You're almost Alice.
Alice: This could get tedious.
Anne Hathaway: Too late.
Johnny Depp: You know, a large number of my recent flims feature putting me in prison. I might want to look into this.
Mad Hatter: Instead of being executed, I shall let my hat float and float. Wait. I'm not my hat. I'm the Cheshire Cat. Also, I am now going to incite all of the subjects of the Queen of Hearts into a revolution just cause.
The Queen of Hearts: Release the Jubjub bird!
Computer animation: Yay! Battle scene! Or….ok, not really.
Queen of Hearts: Ok, I'm going with the fear! Prepare the Jabberwocky.
Alice: Meanwhile, I shall stand on this balcony.
Anne Hathaway: It's against my vows to harm any living creature.
Alice: But it's just fine to have me as a champion harming living creatures for you?
Anne Hathaway: Pretty much, yes. My moral code, unlike my makeup, is pretty flexible.
For some reason, everybody ESCAPES the Queen of Hearts.
Mad Hatter to Alice: You think this is all a dream.
Alice: Yes.
Mad Hatter: So I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Alice: Yes. I have no tact.
Various champions STEP FORWARD for the FINAL BATTLE. Instead of picking any of them, Anne Hathaway WASTES OUR TIME by making us watch Alice CRY about possibly having to have a fight in a world she doesn't even THINK IS REAL.
Alice: I don't know what to do!
Audience: YES YOU DO. GET ON WITH IT.
Movie FAILS to surprise ANYONE with a FLASHBACK showing that Alice has BEEN TO WONDERLAND before.
Brave computer generated card soldiers march out to meet computer generated white knights, as MY BRAIN refuses to believe that the Bandersnatch would agree to fight the Jabberwocky, especially as something STILL SEEMS TO BE WRONG with his neck. In an unclever touch, everyone MEETS on a giant chessboard.
Anne Hathaway: We don't have to fight! I can slay everyone with my makeup.
Queen of Hearts: Eh, we've struggled through this much of the movie.
Jabberwock: After all of that build up, I turn out to be just a rather ordinary looking dragon. Letdown, I know. On the bright side, I am voiced by Christopher Lee, so right there that makes me mildly awesome.
Alice: I shall now count six impossible things so I can believe that I can kill the Bandersnatch! My lack of logic here should probably count as number even.
Mad Hatter suddenly and blatantly CHEATS, sending EVERYONE except the most powerful fighter, Anne Hathaway's makeup, into battle.
Mad Hatter: For no apparent reason, I can now use a sword. Maybe Jack Sparrow taught me.
The head of the Jabberwock BOUNCES down the stairs, incidentally proving that Microsoft Word, shamefully enough, does not recognize the word "Jabberwock." The computer cards REBEL and the Queen of Hearts and the Knight of Hearts are BANISHED. Alice decides to return to Victorian England without even having to think about it.
Wedding proposal guests: Inexplicably, we are still here. Clearly, we have no lives.
Alice: Look, fighting a dragon has taught me to me how to speak my mind in defiance of Victorian tradition. I am ready to embrace the things I must do in the real world and my destiny. Which turns out to be….increasing Chinese trade?
China: Hi! See, even in the 19th century, we're inexplicably marvelous business partners.
Alice: We shall be the first to open trade routes with China!
Generations of merchants: Er. No.
Guy: And even though you've just humiliated my son by turning him down in front of a huge group of people, and I'm a typical Victorian male with distinct ideas of gender roles, I'll hire you.
Alice SAILS into the sunset that is CHINA with a caterpillar from WONDERLAND on her shoulder, doubtless with implications that are not at all fair to either, that I shall not explore here.
[Seriously….Her destiny is to exploit Chinese labor? You are kidding me, right? RIGHT?]
[No.]
[Chocolate. Now.]