Kick-Ass, the snark
Apr. 18th, 2010 01:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marinessSo I managed to see Kick-Ass, a film that is engendering some controversy about the language and violence employed by its winsome and very young heroine, Hit Girl (I agree completely with the many people noting that she, not the title character, is the actual main character; she also gives the hands down best performance of the film). But without trying to get into an argument with anyone, I must say that the main impression left by the actual film, at least upon me, is that it is loud, and I do mean very loud.
Also, although I am undoubtedly piling up negative karma here, or at least the complete loss of any critical reputation whatsoever, I have to admit –
- gulp. Do I really have to admit this?
Hey, it's the internet, where people regularly humiliate themselves every single minute. Second, probably. In that vast sea of embarrassment this statement will undoubtedly be lost. So.
I actually thought the trailer for the upcoming A-Team movie looked entertaining. There. I said it. Much though I will undoubtedly hate the actual movie. You may all despise me now. And while I'm chatting about trailers, Expendables:: Wow. Who assembled that cast, and will it really suck as much as the trailer suggests it will suck? Is that even possible?
And with that embarrassment out of the way, here is your snark for Kick-Ass, mildly delayed by the aforementioned loudness and a small if exciting kitchen fire (no injuries or major damage).
Superheroed costume dude: So we can start of the movie on a fairly predictable note, I shall leap off this building, looking great, and crash into and destroy a car. You would think, as a wanna be superhero, I would have more concern for other people's private property, but I just want to prepare you for the upcoming wanton destruction of private property that will be All Over This Film. Also, environmental issues.
Geek: Hi! I'm the soon to be titular character Kick-Ass. Right now, I just exist to be Invisible to Women and to evoke your pity. Also, everyone thinks I'm gay, although they're utterly ok with this, and although I shall be spending a rather large part of the early film wanking off to women.
Katie: Hi, gorgeous!
Geek: Ooooh!
Katie: I meant Erica, geek that I am convinced is gay.
Kick-Ass Geek: And if that didn't evoke enough pity, I shall now reference my mother's death and Bruce Wayne. It bothers me that nobody wants to be a superhero.
Teenage punk thieves: If it helps, we'll be thrilled to steal your comic books for you.
Kick-Ass Geek: As a response to daily theft, I shall order a scuba costume and turn into a superhero!
Scuba-gear companies: Allow us to say that we heartily endorse this film. At least the part that focuses on the multiple purchases of scuba gear.
Nicolas Cage SHOOTS his daughter while promising her ICE CREAM.
Kick-Ass Geek: Allow me to distract you from that by rapidly CHANGING into my SCUBA GEAR so I can confront those teenage punk comic book thieves. This should go well….Er. Ok. Not so much.
Random driver: Not only shall I run over Kick-Ass and break most of his remaining bones, I shall then compound matters by driving away, thus saving a considerable amount of money on my auto insurance. It says something that this is one of the least morally ambiguous moments in the film and that actually, in comparison, I seem like a pretty decent dude. Plus, this moment has allowed the film to further RUB IN the irony.
Kick-Ass Geek: At least I look like Wolverine now!
Nicolas Cage: To return to that theme of MORAL AMBIGUITY that this film is trying to PUNCH THROUGH YOUR SKULL, let me show you all of my WONDERFUL ARTWORK and comic book style portraits of people I AM TRYING TO KILL.
Chris the Rich Kid: I shall now, touchingly, try to IMITATE my father AGAIN, in a bid to gain AUDIENCE SYMPATHY for my loneliness and father issues so they won't HATE ME when I turn EVIL so we can later have a SEQUEL.
Evil drug dealers: And now, kids, time for your lessons on why you should never, ever, put SMALL ANIMALS into a MICROWAVE, and why PUTTING PEOPLE into LARGE MICROWAVES is not the most EFFICIENT METHOD of gaining information. [Frankly I could have done without this bit.]
Kick-Ass Geek: Thanks to the mugging and car accident, my ability to feel physical pain HAS BEEN DIMMED. But I can still feel LOVE, along with the IRONY that my attempt to become a superhero gave me this SUPERABILITY. By the way, do not ask why, if my nerve endings are all that damaged, I can so enjoy the touch of a girl later. [Yeah, I'm aware that not all of his anatomy would have suffered in the film, but he was reacting to every one of her touches.] Unfortunately, she STILL THINKS I'm GAY. I am going to have to try this SUPERHERO THING AGAIN by CHASING A CAT, proving in the process that I really don't know much about cats.
Pepsi: It's entirely possible that we need to work on our product endorsements.
Kick-Ass Geek: Thanks to the cat, I shall be conveniently able to TRIP UP a guy who is RUNNING AWAY from THREE MEAN GUYS and end up getting ALL OF US into a MAJOR FIGHT. This may be the first time a cat has ever been that helpful. Hey, Kid over there with a minor speaking part who is just watching the fight, mind calling 911 or getting help or something?
Kid: I could call 911 and be, you know, useful, but instead I shall make and upload an INTERNET VIDEO and convince everyone to do the SAME.
Mark Millar: I shall now interrupt the NARRATIVE FLOW of the film to PLUG some other comic books and UPCOMING FILMS. Ha-Ha! Now Brian Lee O'Malley owes me a drink. Right! Film on!
Katie, to Kick-Ass Geek: I want a friend like you, specifically because I think you're gay, and it's absolutely awesome to become friends with someone based solely on their sexual orientation.
Kick-Ass Geek: I'll go for this.
Hit Girl: To make up for the lack of violence in the last 15 minutes of the film, let me kill lots of drug dealers.
Main drug dealer and ultra wealthy guy (played by Mark Strong, continuing his quest to be in Every Movie Ever, considerably better here than in Sherlock Holmes, but not as good as Stardust or Miss Pettigrew Lives for the Day): Thanks to a predictable problem with mistaken identity, I shall assume that my drug dealers were killed by Kick-Ass, even though the only actual video I have of Kick-Ass shows him letting muggers get away, suggesting that he's not exactly the killing sort.
Nicolas Cage: in the most amusing film I shall inexplicably channel Adam West, suggesting that I really should quit the attempt to work in action movies and head to comedy instead.
Hit Girl and Nicolas Cage: Because we have not CRUSHED the audience with enough IRONY yet, let us CRUSH a drug dealer in his car to the soothing sounds of classical music, Barber of Seville.
Mark Millar: Allow me to interrupt the film again with a reference to Steve Ditko.
Cop: I shall now stumble onto Nicolas Cage's SECRET LAIR of STOLEN WEAPONS. Even though these weapons are dangerous and probably illegal and it is my clear duty to, you know, alert the FBI or something, I shall let it go because, well, he's Nicolas Cage. Er. Ok. Maybe
Narrative FLASHBACK commences, with an ANNOYING BIT where a woman COMMITS SUICIDE since she is seemingly unable to cope with the thought that Nicolas Cage is IN JAIL.
Nicolas Cage: Clearly, this is my cue for a DRAMATIC SPEECH about how I must have vengeance for my wife's suicide.
Meanwhile, a Kick-Ass impersonator is TRAGICALLY KILLED, forcing the main drug dealer dude to start TAKING coke. (Not the trademarked Coke stuff.) His son Chris the tragically misunderstood and lonely Rich Kid COMES UP with a plan to GAIN THE CONFIDENCE of Kick-Ass. Since Chris is a TEENAGER the plan not surprisingly includes an AWESOME CAR.
Chris the Rich Kid, now Red Mist: Hi, Kick-Ass! Not only do I have a better costume than you do, but I also have an AWESOME CAR. Drug money. Is there ANYTHING it can't do for you? Let's go hit some bad guys, which will be easy enough since I have an iPhone. Yes, there's an app for that.
Kick-Ass and Red Mist ARRIVE at the drug dealer's warehouse which, in yet another example of a LACK OF SAFETY CONCERN, is ON FIRE.
Main drug dealer dude: Oh, no! My son, whom I have belittled and ignored throughout most of the film, is now DEAD. I am ALL SAD.
Red Mist: Nope, I'm alive and kicking. Kick-Ass never killed those drug dealers, and I have a teddy bear to prove it!
Teddy bear PROVES that the deaths are actually the work of Nicolas Cage. This shocking DISCOVERY leads to the decision to HUNT DOWN Nicolas Cage.
Red Mist: Kick-Ass! You must help me hunt down Nicolas Cage, otherwise we'll both be killed.
Kick-Ass: Ok.
Nicolas Cage and Kick-Ass are SWIFTLY OVERPOWERED by drug dealers.
Random drug dealer: Bazooka! I'm so taking this.
Red Mist: Let Kick-Ass go!
Main drug dealer dude: Can't. I have to make a Moral Statement here on live TV and the internet. As a public service.
Main drug dealer dude arranges to have Nicolas Cage and Kick-Ass TIED UP and BEATEN on live TV and the internet and prepares to KILL THEM BOTH.
Kick-Ass: I can't die now! I'll never find out what happened on Lost!
Audience, which perhaps not unexpectedly, apparently includes several Lost fans , APPLAUDS in UTTER AGREEMENT and SHARED FRUSTRATION.
Lights GO OUT. Fortunately, HIT GIRL is wearing NIGHT VISION GLASSES. Less fortunately, a BRIGHT LIGHT makes the next scenes NOT ALL THAT COMFORTABLE for migraine sufferers. Several minutes of EXTREME VIOLENCE follow. Nicolas Cage is COMPLETELY BURNT and tragically DIES.
Hit Girl to Kick-Ass: We have to go after the bad guys and FINISH THIS.
Kick-Ass: With no power comes no responsibility. Wait. That doesn't seem right.
Kick-Ass and Hit Girl HEAD FOR the PENTHOUSE lair of the Main Drug Dealer Guy. Hit Girl walks up to the front door.
Hit Girl: Hi, security officers. I'm a demure little girl who has lost her mommy and daddy. Please help me.
Security officers: Sure!
Hit Girl: And to thank you for your kindly acts of concern towards a little lost girl, I shall shoot you all.
Hit Girl HEADS UPSTAIRS, killing MORE people, and finds herself in a hallway LINED WITH ANTIQUE BOOKS.
Me: Don't harm the books!
Hit Girl ATTACKS. Several INNOCENT antique books die UNTIMELY DEATHS.
Me: Damn it!
In ANOTHER SHOT, the remaining books are shown QUIVERING in fear. Showing a distinct LACK OF CONCERN for the books, everyone goes and SHOOTS UP the LOVELY PENTHOUSE GOURMET kitchen. The fight SEEMS ENDLESS.
Drug dealer: Wait! Don't we have a bazooka?
Red Mist: You are not seriously using the bazooka.
Drug dealer: Bazooka!
Hit Girl: Bazooka!
Kick-Ass: To prevent everyone from using the bazooka, I shall arrive via jet pack and the Battle Hymm of the Republic. Don't ask me how no one noticed me using the jet pack.
Red Mist and Kick-Ass HEAD into a lovely karate training room and proceed to beat each other up, as Hit Girl CLIMBS walls and bites the Main Drug Dealer Dude on the neck. In a CONTINUITY ERROR, sunrise suddenly arrives and passes really quickly and daylight FILLS THE ROOM.
Kick-Ass: Wait! Bazooka!
Bazooka GOES OFF, sending the Main Drug Dealer Guy flying THROUGH THE AIR with NO CONCERN for the many many skyscrapers in Manhattan not to mention people below.
Kick-Ass and Hit Girl ZOOM OFF for the SAFETY of Brooklyn, where they WATCH THE SUNRISE even though it ALREADY HAPPENED. Red Mist DAZZLES us with MOVIE QUOTES FORESHADOWING the sequel. Kick-Ass and Katie KISS MORE to end a plot that I FORGOT TO SNARK ABOUT halfway through the film, giving you a sense of its EMOTIONAL IMPACT. Tragically, everyone HEADS BACK to school because NO ONE remembered to save the bazooka. Even more tragically, nobody gives me a jet pack.
Also, although I am undoubtedly piling up negative karma here, or at least the complete loss of any critical reputation whatsoever, I have to admit –
- gulp. Do I really have to admit this?
Hey, it's the internet, where people regularly humiliate themselves every single minute. Second, probably. In that vast sea of embarrassment this statement will undoubtedly be lost. So.
I actually thought the trailer for the upcoming A-Team movie looked entertaining. There. I said it. Much though I will undoubtedly hate the actual movie. You may all despise me now. And while I'm chatting about trailers, Expendables:: Wow. Who assembled that cast, and will it really suck as much as the trailer suggests it will suck? Is that even possible?
And with that embarrassment out of the way, here is your snark for Kick-Ass, mildly delayed by the aforementioned loudness and a small if exciting kitchen fire (no injuries or major damage).
Superheroed costume dude: So we can start of the movie on a fairly predictable note, I shall leap off this building, looking great, and crash into and destroy a car. You would think, as a wanna be superhero, I would have more concern for other people's private property, but I just want to prepare you for the upcoming wanton destruction of private property that will be All Over This Film. Also, environmental issues.
Geek: Hi! I'm the soon to be titular character Kick-Ass. Right now, I just exist to be Invisible to Women and to evoke your pity. Also, everyone thinks I'm gay, although they're utterly ok with this, and although I shall be spending a rather large part of the early film wanking off to women.
Katie: Hi, gorgeous!
Geek: Ooooh!
Katie: I meant Erica, geek that I am convinced is gay.
Kick-Ass Geek: And if that didn't evoke enough pity, I shall now reference my mother's death and Bruce Wayne. It bothers me that nobody wants to be a superhero.
Teenage punk thieves: If it helps, we'll be thrilled to steal your comic books for you.
Kick-Ass Geek: As a response to daily theft, I shall order a scuba costume and turn into a superhero!
Scuba-gear companies: Allow us to say that we heartily endorse this film. At least the part that focuses on the multiple purchases of scuba gear.
Nicolas Cage SHOOTS his daughter while promising her ICE CREAM.
Kick-Ass Geek: Allow me to distract you from that by rapidly CHANGING into my SCUBA GEAR so I can confront those teenage punk comic book thieves. This should go well….Er. Ok. Not so much.
Random driver: Not only shall I run over Kick-Ass and break most of his remaining bones, I shall then compound matters by driving away, thus saving a considerable amount of money on my auto insurance. It says something that this is one of the least morally ambiguous moments in the film and that actually, in comparison, I seem like a pretty decent dude. Plus, this moment has allowed the film to further RUB IN the irony.
Kick-Ass Geek: At least I look like Wolverine now!
Nicolas Cage: To return to that theme of MORAL AMBIGUITY that this film is trying to PUNCH THROUGH YOUR SKULL, let me show you all of my WONDERFUL ARTWORK and comic book style portraits of people I AM TRYING TO KILL.
Chris the Rich Kid: I shall now, touchingly, try to IMITATE my father AGAIN, in a bid to gain AUDIENCE SYMPATHY for my loneliness and father issues so they won't HATE ME when I turn EVIL so we can later have a SEQUEL.
Evil drug dealers: And now, kids, time for your lessons on why you should never, ever, put SMALL ANIMALS into a MICROWAVE, and why PUTTING PEOPLE into LARGE MICROWAVES is not the most EFFICIENT METHOD of gaining information. [Frankly I could have done without this bit.]
Kick-Ass Geek: Thanks to the mugging and car accident, my ability to feel physical pain HAS BEEN DIMMED. But I can still feel LOVE, along with the IRONY that my attempt to become a superhero gave me this SUPERABILITY. By the way, do not ask why, if my nerve endings are all that damaged, I can so enjoy the touch of a girl later. [Yeah, I'm aware that not all of his anatomy would have suffered in the film, but he was reacting to every one of her touches.] Unfortunately, she STILL THINKS I'm GAY. I am going to have to try this SUPERHERO THING AGAIN by CHASING A CAT, proving in the process that I really don't know much about cats.
Pepsi: It's entirely possible that we need to work on our product endorsements.
Kick-Ass Geek: Thanks to the cat, I shall be conveniently able to TRIP UP a guy who is RUNNING AWAY from THREE MEAN GUYS and end up getting ALL OF US into a MAJOR FIGHT. This may be the first time a cat has ever been that helpful. Hey, Kid over there with a minor speaking part who is just watching the fight, mind calling 911 or getting help or something?
Kid: I could call 911 and be, you know, useful, but instead I shall make and upload an INTERNET VIDEO and convince everyone to do the SAME.
Mark Millar: I shall now interrupt the NARRATIVE FLOW of the film to PLUG some other comic books and UPCOMING FILMS. Ha-Ha! Now Brian Lee O'Malley owes me a drink. Right! Film on!
Katie, to Kick-Ass Geek: I want a friend like you, specifically because I think you're gay, and it's absolutely awesome to become friends with someone based solely on their sexual orientation.
Kick-Ass Geek: I'll go for this.
Hit Girl: To make up for the lack of violence in the last 15 minutes of the film, let me kill lots of drug dealers.
Main drug dealer and ultra wealthy guy (played by Mark Strong, continuing his quest to be in Every Movie Ever, considerably better here than in Sherlock Holmes, but not as good as Stardust or Miss Pettigrew Lives for the Day): Thanks to a predictable problem with mistaken identity, I shall assume that my drug dealers were killed by Kick-Ass, even though the only actual video I have of Kick-Ass shows him letting muggers get away, suggesting that he's not exactly the killing sort.
Nicolas Cage: in the most amusing film I shall inexplicably channel Adam West, suggesting that I really should quit the attempt to work in action movies and head to comedy instead.
Hit Girl and Nicolas Cage: Because we have not CRUSHED the audience with enough IRONY yet, let us CRUSH a drug dealer in his car to the soothing sounds of classical music, Barber of Seville.
Mark Millar: Allow me to interrupt the film again with a reference to Steve Ditko.
Cop: I shall now stumble onto Nicolas Cage's SECRET LAIR of STOLEN WEAPONS. Even though these weapons are dangerous and probably illegal and it is my clear duty to, you know, alert the FBI or something, I shall let it go because, well, he's Nicolas Cage. Er. Ok. Maybe
Narrative FLASHBACK commences, with an ANNOYING BIT where a woman COMMITS SUICIDE since she is seemingly unable to cope with the thought that Nicolas Cage is IN JAIL.
Nicolas Cage: Clearly, this is my cue for a DRAMATIC SPEECH about how I must have vengeance for my wife's suicide.
Meanwhile, a Kick-Ass impersonator is TRAGICALLY KILLED, forcing the main drug dealer dude to start TAKING coke. (Not the trademarked Coke stuff.) His son Chris the tragically misunderstood and lonely Rich Kid COMES UP with a plan to GAIN THE CONFIDENCE of Kick-Ass. Since Chris is a TEENAGER the plan not surprisingly includes an AWESOME CAR.
Chris the Rich Kid, now Red Mist: Hi, Kick-Ass! Not only do I have a better costume than you do, but I also have an AWESOME CAR. Drug money. Is there ANYTHING it can't do for you? Let's go hit some bad guys, which will be easy enough since I have an iPhone. Yes, there's an app for that.
Kick-Ass and Red Mist ARRIVE at the drug dealer's warehouse which, in yet another example of a LACK OF SAFETY CONCERN, is ON FIRE.
Main drug dealer dude: Oh, no! My son, whom I have belittled and ignored throughout most of the film, is now DEAD. I am ALL SAD.
Red Mist: Nope, I'm alive and kicking. Kick-Ass never killed those drug dealers, and I have a teddy bear to prove it!
Teddy bear PROVES that the deaths are actually the work of Nicolas Cage. This shocking DISCOVERY leads to the decision to HUNT DOWN Nicolas Cage.
Red Mist: Kick-Ass! You must help me hunt down Nicolas Cage, otherwise we'll both be killed.
Kick-Ass: Ok.
Nicolas Cage and Kick-Ass are SWIFTLY OVERPOWERED by drug dealers.
Random drug dealer: Bazooka! I'm so taking this.
Red Mist: Let Kick-Ass go!
Main drug dealer dude: Can't. I have to make a Moral Statement here on live TV and the internet. As a public service.
Main drug dealer dude arranges to have Nicolas Cage and Kick-Ass TIED UP and BEATEN on live TV and the internet and prepares to KILL THEM BOTH.
Kick-Ass: I can't die now! I'll never find out what happened on Lost!
Audience, which perhaps not unexpectedly, apparently includes several Lost fans , APPLAUDS in UTTER AGREEMENT and SHARED FRUSTRATION.
Lights GO OUT. Fortunately, HIT GIRL is wearing NIGHT VISION GLASSES. Less fortunately, a BRIGHT LIGHT makes the next scenes NOT ALL THAT COMFORTABLE for migraine sufferers. Several minutes of EXTREME VIOLENCE follow. Nicolas Cage is COMPLETELY BURNT and tragically DIES.
Hit Girl to Kick-Ass: We have to go after the bad guys and FINISH THIS.
Kick-Ass: With no power comes no responsibility. Wait. That doesn't seem right.
Kick-Ass and Hit Girl HEAD FOR the PENTHOUSE lair of the Main Drug Dealer Guy. Hit Girl walks up to the front door.
Hit Girl: Hi, security officers. I'm a demure little girl who has lost her mommy and daddy. Please help me.
Security officers: Sure!
Hit Girl: And to thank you for your kindly acts of concern towards a little lost girl, I shall shoot you all.
Hit Girl HEADS UPSTAIRS, killing MORE people, and finds herself in a hallway LINED WITH ANTIQUE BOOKS.
Me: Don't harm the books!
Hit Girl ATTACKS. Several INNOCENT antique books die UNTIMELY DEATHS.
Me: Damn it!
In ANOTHER SHOT, the remaining books are shown QUIVERING in fear. Showing a distinct LACK OF CONCERN for the books, everyone goes and SHOOTS UP the LOVELY PENTHOUSE GOURMET kitchen. The fight SEEMS ENDLESS.
Drug dealer: Wait! Don't we have a bazooka?
Red Mist: You are not seriously using the bazooka.
Drug dealer: Bazooka!
Hit Girl: Bazooka!
Kick-Ass: To prevent everyone from using the bazooka, I shall arrive via jet pack and the Battle Hymm of the Republic. Don't ask me how no one noticed me using the jet pack.
Red Mist and Kick-Ass HEAD into a lovely karate training room and proceed to beat each other up, as Hit Girl CLIMBS walls and bites the Main Drug Dealer Dude on the neck. In a CONTINUITY ERROR, sunrise suddenly arrives and passes really quickly and daylight FILLS THE ROOM.
Kick-Ass: Wait! Bazooka!
Bazooka GOES OFF, sending the Main Drug Dealer Guy flying THROUGH THE AIR with NO CONCERN for the many many skyscrapers in Manhattan not to mention people below.
Kick-Ass and Hit Girl ZOOM OFF for the SAFETY of Brooklyn, where they WATCH THE SUNRISE even though it ALREADY HAPPENED. Red Mist DAZZLES us with MOVIE QUOTES FORESHADOWING the sequel. Kick-Ass and Katie KISS MORE to end a plot that I FORGOT TO SNARK ABOUT halfway through the film, giving you a sense of its EMOTIONAL IMPACT. Tragically, everyone HEADS BACK to school because NO ONE remembered to save the bazooka. Even more tragically, nobody gives me a jet pack.