mariness

Courtesy of Major League Baseball, this is why it's hard to be a Cubs fan.

On the other hand, it's great preparation for dealing with failure.

(The Chicago Tribune informs us that this is also a major league record for the Rockies, but, you know, that's not exactly consolation.)

So I headed out to start looking around for a new laptop, only to find myself at a baseball game instead.

Hey, look. That sort of thing can happen to anybody.

Anyway, we had six seats at the Atlanta Braves/Pittsburgh Pirates spring training game at Disney's ESPN Wide World of Sports for all of two of us, which felt slightly like overkill.

Despite innumerable trips to Disney, this was my first trip to Wide World of Sports, which I must say did not exactly live up to the theme park standards on this particular visit, given that the entire place is undergoing massive renovations and planning for a small marathon this upcoming weekend, forcing people wanting valet parking (not us) to drive along an exciting dirt road that was rather less smooth than dirt roads tend to be, and people with preferred parking (us) to see a truly spectacular collection of Porta Potties. If you like that sort of thing, and don't tell me if you do, that was absolutely the place to fulfill your Porta Potty fetish. We ended up parking on one of the football fields, in a place that was not exactly marked for disabled parking, and went over some intriguing terrain to get to Wide World of Sports. For once I was exceedingly grateful that we'd selected the wheelchair and not the scooter. We then went through what I think are usually basketball courts but were now filled with sparkling Disney Princess and Lady Foot Locker supplies, up an elevator, and finally into a nice café, and then, finally, into the more official Wide World of Sports entrance. It was precisely the opposite of my general Disney feeling of wow, look at the parking lots.

We did, however, have excellent seats – right behind home plate. We could not possibly have chosen two teams that I am more neutral about, so naturally I cheered for the Pirates, because, well, pirates. (Equally naturally I shall spare you any tension – since I was cheering for the Pirates, naturally they lost.) This decision was to have a more momentous impact than I'd anticipated. But I anticipate.

It'd been years since I'd gone to Orioles spring training games with the Venezuelan down in Fort Lauderdale. I'd forgotten just how relaxed and laid back they are, even by baseball standards. (Which are not exactly high on the tension scale.) And I'd also forgotten just how much is lost when watching baseball on the small screen – most of the point, really, even if you have bought a little box of Cracker Jack to munch on at home.

(Incidentally, we did not get ANY Cracker Jack because some people felt that popcorn fulfilled that traditional need, which no. I was also amused to see the added Disney touch of menus placed by each seat featuring overpriced food that can be ordered and delivered to your seat, and even more amused to watch pretty much everyone selecting hot dogs and beer instead. It's baseball.)

Specifically, what you miss are the spectators, including:

To my left, a highly excitable Atlanta Braves fan with a remarkably booming voice and a penchant for colorful language and surprisingly creative metaphors that had at least one person saying, "Daddy will explain that later," followed somewhat later by, "Daddy really doesn't know. No, Daddy's clueless." He broke the genius of Daddy.

Directly above me, a former player for the minor leagues, now playing softball, and his two friends, one of whom runs a fairly successful home contracting company offering expert service on circuit breakers. One could hardly fault his work ethic since he was continually answering calls during the game, switching delightfully from a fairly foul mouthed baseball fan to an educated, utterly polite, professional and rather slick salesman who was easily able to convince people to upgrade all kinds of things to circuit boards.

Directly behind them was a diehard Pirates fan ("We're REAL Pirates fans. We don't just PRETEND to be Pirates fans," making me wonder just how big this fake Pirates fan movement is) who we'll call L, who treated us to an extensive, and I must say, very persuasive, explanation of just why the current owners of the Pirates are the Worst People on Earth and how terrible it was that the other potential buyers had not in fact bought the Pirates at all. (Names were listed and I'm sure I could look them up, but I'm not going to bother.)

Moment one: So, diehard Pirates fan L is shouting, at some length, about the multiple, multiple inadequacies of the guy at bat (a Pirate) below, who apparently, is just awful, because the owners won't spend money on the right player, and all we need is a new owner and this guy at bat is totally overpaid and like )(&^&**& _)()*(*&(&*^*(&() and )(**(&*(&*( and )(*&*(&*()*( and also totally overpaid –

And with that, the guy hit the only home run of the game.

"God," said the minor league player in awe. "Talk shit about a player, watch him hit a home run."

"YAY!"

Moment two: So, it's the bottom of the 9th, and things are not, it must be confessed, looking too good for the Pirates, since although they have two men on base the score they are two runs behind and have two outs already and the batter already has three balls and two strikes, and the remaining crowd is roaring and roaring and –

"Yes, ma'am," said the contractor in an exceedingly polite voice. "I am at a baseball game. No ma'am, work comes first. Of course. Yes, ma'am."

Fly ball and OUT!

"Turns out she's a Marlins fan and taking her kids up to their game," he explained.

"You have a customer for life," said the minor leaguer.

Moment three, which had nothing to do with any of the above people: So someone else has noted that I was clapping for the Pirates, and told me that I was too pretty to be a Pirates fan, to which I answered that I'm really more of a Cubs fan anyway, because, well –

"That's just sad," he said, before I could go on to explain about the Red Sox and the Marlins.

It is, really. At least until some goats are sacrificed. Go Cubs!

Incidentally, based on this small and completely unrepresentative sample of the U.S. population, the current proposal to put Ronald Reagan's face on the $50 bill is not popular, not particularly out of a love for Ulysses S. Grant, but because, as a few people put it, Reagan should be put on a "real )(*(^ bill" that people will see. If I were Andrew Jackson's ghost, I would be getting a bit concerned about my fate here.

******

Small note: As you might have guessed, this computer is not in a very happy state of mind at the moment, what with fan failures, keyboard failures, and, well, ok, not enough ram to make me happy, although that's less a thing of the moment than an ongoing feature.

What happens at Castle Anthrax stays at Castle Anthrax, but that doesn't mean that we can't draw some needed lessons from the weekend – however delayed the writeup.

1. Placing mildly obscene coconut heads next to old Harlequin romances from the 1980s will not help the sales of either.

2. On a related note, mixing plastic copies in with real shells will also not help the sales of either.

3. And on a still related note, how can a store actually sell coconut heads, dried alligators, used romance novels, a wide selection of shells, salt water taffy and still not have any Dr. Pepper?

4. (That was a very scary store on a number of levels.)

5. Deep red toenails do a marvelous job of setting off the white fur, purple dress and big purple hat of Witch Bear.

6. Speaking of which, no, it is not really possible to have too many teddy bears.

7. Also speaking of which, no, I have no real idea why I keep getting more of them. It's honestly not as purposeful as it may seem.

8. But this does explain why I occasionally dream of talking teddy bears.

9. Surprisingly enough, sometimes teddy bears can help lure you into dangerous footrubs. Or at least this is what everybody will say later.

10. Saying, "The purple guys were moving around a lot" is not considered a) an accurate description of the images on the TV or b) a helpful description of the last football play.

11. Especially when the purple guys are actually (apparently) in maroon, not purple. (I would seriously not take my word for either color. Or for what happened, although I can tell you that it involved little purple guys swarming around the TV and falling down a lot. Why you think this is entertaining I will never understand. Winter Olympics, coming up! Now those are Real Sports. And I say that as a Florida resident. You have to be Very Sporty to dare cold things like that.)

12. Moonlit pools are excellent places to escape from swarming purple guys.

13. Pancake cravings should not be denied.

14. Brunch is best shared.

15. Balancing cups of apple juice can be considerably more difficult than it sounds.

16. Certain brunch conversations can lead to encouraging people to pray for you. And no, not about your physical health, either.

17. The Yankees are evil. Why are we still talking about this? More critically, why are we talking to ME about this?

18. Really, all I need to know is that the Yankees are evil. Unless, of course, the Cubs beat back fate, curses, bankruptcy and terrible plays to make it to the World Series.

19. Barbequed quail is remarkably tasty. (What, you were expecting more baseball chatter? From ME?)

20. Nothing justifies the unprovoked attack on a friendly teddy bear by cats. Even the slight scent of barbequed quail.

21. The presence of swim trunks under Roman armor is probably not all that authentic.

22. The presence of nothing under various kilts, however, might well be. Or at least will be applauded as such.

'Twas very, very good to see everyone again :)