1. Apparently, I did forget to make an official announcement about this, so here goes the official announcement: I will be at Lone Star Con in San Antonio, August 29-September 2, 2013. Apart from definitely owing Cat Rambo and a few others some drinks, I have no official schedule, so if you are there, feel free to come by and wave; I'll be the small blonde woman rolling around in a wheelchair.

2. Some time ago, a few people said some very evil words on Twitter: "Superhero" and "limerick."

Most of you know me well enough by now to know that I can't resist that sort of evil. So, after multiple assurances that this was supposed to be for an anthology of bad superhero poetry, emphasis on bad, I wrote a very very bad limerick and shot it over.

To my joy, the limerick was pretty much immediately accepted for the anthology. To my horror, when I got a copy of anthology a few weeks later, I realized that several poets had entirely forgotten the word "bad" and instead gone for "excellent."

What this means is that my terrible, terrible little limerick is surrounded by some very good and when not very good, hilariously bad superhero poems in Flying Higher: An Anthology of Superhero Poetry, available in multiple formats for free over at Smashwords.

In fact my limerick is so terrible that I was halfway tempted not to link to this at all, but some of the other poems in here are hilarious and will completely make your day: check out Alex Bledsoe's O Captain, America's Captain; Amy McNally's little untitled haiku; A.C. Wise's little limerick which unlike my contribution is actually funny; Matthew Kuchka's The Wolverine; and...oh, just go read it already. There's even a villanelle.

My advice is, go get the book, and when you reach my poem, for the sake of your own brain, skip it, and go on to the better stuff. And if my limerick harms your eyeballs by accident, I can only say, I was told that these were supposed to be BAD poems, not good ones!

3. And the latest Tor.com post, about Mary Norton's Are All the Giants Dead just popped up, which means that we are only a couple posts off from a reread you've all been waiting for.
My holiday gift to you all -- apologies in advance:

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
all the people were shaking,
wishing it was only a mouse.
Alas, alas no, a dragon had arrived –
His glittering red and green wings bright in the skies.
And ooh! All the smoke! All the fire and brimstone!
What horribly large and strong scaly thighs!
And up on the roof there arose such a clatter,
that every last person squawked, oh what does it matter!
If we can't get the brand new TV to turn on,
Or get the ASUS tablet to change this &^%%# icon!
(Er, wait. The poet just recalled
this poem was supposed to be set in older times
when Christmas did not include getting Malled
or trying to figure out arcane stuff,
like, has this thing been charged enough?
So sorry. We will return to days of yore,
and see what this dragon story has in store.)
So up on the roof their arose such a clatter,
that knights ran out shrieking, "What is the matter?"
"I need gifts," said the dragon, licking his lips.
"Something from each of your townships."
"Virgins?" asked the knights. "We might be a bit short –"
The dragon stopped that with a snort.
"What would I do with a virgin? No, I want gold.
Lots of it. Don't care if it's warm or cold."
The people whispered, and then with a nod,
dragged out a great cauldron. "No fraud!"
steamed the dragon, and the knights all quivered,
But none of the others even shivered.
As they ran from house to house grabbing supplies.
The dragon watched, then said "Hey guys –"
To the knights, who were guarding the pot –
"Do my eyes deceive me? You're girls, are you not?"
"We prefer 'women,' " said the knights, with a nod.
"You must have met more in your flights abroad."
"Oh yes," said the dragon, with a grin.
"It's the women who beat me again and again.
So I warn you, I'm ready for all of you knights,
Even if you have some tricks with some kites."
(This puzzled the knights, and even the poet,
who just flung up her hands and said, oh, stow it –
It's not as if anyone will be reading this blog,
On Christmas, especially this slog.)
"Oh, it's not us who will be saving the town," said a knight.
"But our various cooks. Fire! Ignite!"
And the knights lit the fire. The cauldron bubbled.
The dragon looked quite befuddled.
And all through the town the cooks they did hurry
to throw things in the cauldron with quite a scurry.
Two hours later cooks and knights they did grin –
"Oh great dragon, we beg you, begin!"
The dragon approached, and sniffed and sniffed –
Beer and cheese and some kind of spice –
Even the well travelled dragon thought, well, that's very nice.
He tentatively stuck out his very long tongue,
And one of the knights – she was quite young –
Grabbed a spoon and brought the dragon a taste.
"Cheddar beer soup! Perhaps not great for my waist –
BUT GOLD INDEED! WOW! This is amazing stuff!
I just hope we have enough!"
And they heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"I'll be back with more dragons for this soup tonight!"

#

For those looking for something a bit more, er, Christmasy, a new post is up at Tor.com.
For those of you waiting impatiently for Les Miserables next week, the Little One would like to offer up his latest poem, which he feels perfectly captures the spirit and meaning of the original novel:

One scratch more –
Another day, another lap moment
This endless road to nirvana –
This human who scratches my chin –
Surely she'll do it again!

One scratch more!

I was not scratched enough today –
will I be scratched enough tomorrow?

One scratch more!

Tomorrow she'll be typing away again –
And yet that does not scratch my chin!

One scratch more!

One more nap here on my own –
One more look of her not caring –
What a life I might have known,
I'll just walk into her lap!
She'll be sure to scratch me there!

One scratch more!

One scratch more – wait, where is my tuna?
I must nip this in the bud,
I must sink my little teeth in,
I must mark my point with blood!

Watch her run amuck,
watch her squawk and curse,
note how this results in hands in my fur!

One scratch more to my nirvana!
Tomorrow I'm certain has lots of scratches for me in store!
One scratch more!
One more scratch!
One scratch more!

Greetings!

Dec. 25th, 2010 09:21 am
Oh come oh come bloggers of Livejournal*,
and hear greetings not exactly vernal,
For some of you tis cold indeed,
while others say the heat will make them bleed,
but rejoice! Rejoice! Cookies are to be had,
And that makes everything so much less bad.
Avoid, avoid, the Star Wars holiday special,
To make your happiness quite ample!


...right. I am not allowed to write silly rhymes without coffee ever indeed. (It's worse knowing that frighteningly gifted poets occasionally read this journal - talk about intimidating.)

May your day be filled with joy and wonder, whether or not you celebrate, and remember that the Little One would very happily climb into your lap right now to be scratched, whoever and wherever you may be.

*Er, and Dreadwidth, of course. That probably would have been easier to rhyme, too. Curses! Time to get a cookie.
So sometime last fall the kindly editors at Innsmouth Free Press made the mistake of complaining, on Twitter, that they were just not seeing enough stories focused on ancient Egypt for their upcoming multi-ethnic issue. Let me clarify. The mistake was not the complaint. The mistake was allowing me to see the complaint.

Because that mistake resulted in this.

I can only apologize in advance to all of you.

While you are there, however, I urge you to check out all of the other, considerably better, writing from [profile] bondo_ba, Ekaterina Sedia, Charles Saunders, and others in the fiction issue. For once, I'm not being hyperbolic or polite. There's also a pdf format available here, which I think is a little easier to read.

While I'm chatting about Innsmouth Free Press, I should note that they holding a fundraiser this month. And we all know what happens when we ignore the call of Cthulhu?
On either side of Easter lie
long fields of chocolate and of dye
That clothe the eggs and baskets high,
And through the field the road runs by
To many-furre'd Bunnylot
And up and down the bunnies go,
Gazing where the chocolates blow
Round an island there below,
the island of Egglott.

Dyed eggs brighten, baskets quiver
fake green grasses jump and shiver
Quite disturbing a bunny's liver
In this island in the river,
Floating down to Bunnylot.
Four bright walls, and four bright towers,
Overlook a space of flowers
And the silent isle imbowers
the Bunny of Egglott.

There she dyes by night and day
magical eggs with colours gay
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if her way
takes her down to Bunnylot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
and so she dyeth steadily
Eating her chocolate prettily
the Bunny of Egglott.

Until a bunny whose eyes fair glow'd,
whose fur like melted chocolate flow'd,
who made other bunnies feel jello'd
Near to her tower loudly crow'd.
As he hopped down to Bunnylot.
From her eggs and from the river
His image flashed and a quiver
entered a certain bunny's liver:
The Bunny of Egglott.

She dropped some eggs, she grabbed a broom,
she sent eggshells flying through the room,
she sniffed the little chocolate bloom:
As she watched her bunny doom
hop along to Bunnylot.
Out flew more eggs, floating wide,
their dyed shells cracked from side to side:
"The curse is upon me," cried
The Bunny of Egglott.

Hopping, robed in furry white,
that sheathed her chocolate from the light
that fell upon her left and right,
As she left her dyed eggs bright
on the road to Bunnylot.
But chocolate bunnies can't hop too long-
It makes them feel quite wrong:
Nor was she very strong
The Bunny of Egglott.

Who is this, and what is here,
whispered the bunnies in great fear
seeing her shattered bunny ear
And chocolate spread upon a bier
In magical Bunnylot.
The bunnies mused a little space,
saying: this might be a special case
Eating her might bring us grace,
The Bunny of Egglott.

And there we leave this tale of woe
as bunnies hustle to and fro.
Did they eat our friend, fast or slow?
I cannot tell you yes or no,
in this tale of Bunnylot.
But I can urge you all to eat your peeps
to sugar up, to take vast leaps
For she would want you to make loud cheeps:
the Bunny of Egglott.

Also, this and this.
And to start your day off on a properly horrible note, some limericks!

There once was a stylish vampire,
who sang in an unholy choir.
The group made him itch;
he begged, with a twitch,
"At least shed this Gothic attire!"

No? How about:

There once was a tragic vampire,
who felt unlife had become a quagmire
until he met Meg,
and nibbled her leg,
Woo-hoo! He remembered desire.

Too much? How about:

If tonight you encounter a Mummy,
remember to think of your tummy:
Keep your candy near,
whatever your fear –
the Mummy might make it quite scummy.

Ok, ok. Mummy fail. How about:

Said Dracula's Bride to the Mummy –
"Don't you think that we ought to be chummy?
We're twin monsters both,
And I wouldn't be loath,
Plus– your bandages might be quite yummy."

"Oh," the flattered Mummy replied,
And then he shuddered and sighed.
"See, if my lips touch you,
my linens will too,
And you'd end up being quite tied."

The Bride gave a delightful giggle,
and approached him with a lush wiggle,
She said, with a wink,
"Dude, that's my kink–
Come! Let me teach you to jiggle and squiggle!"

And so the Mummy and Dracula's Bride
swiftly disrobed and went inside
a nice pyramid,
with a supper of squid,
quite as if they had never died.

But the story has a terrible end,
for the Mummy and his new girlfriend.
When his ribbons fell,
he didn't quite swell –
And some things did not quite extend.

And so she stood up with a cry –
And a terrible look in her eye –
"I really don't think,
this quite meets my kink.
I can't even sip blood from your thigh!"

And so they both caught on fire,
the mummy and lovely vampire,
The reason for this?
No, not a kiss–
I just needed this ode to expire.

************

I think it's safe to say that I still haven't mastered the limerick.

October 2018

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