mariness

Multiple editors rejected this little flash fiction for being entirely too silly and far too implausible. These editors are of course completely correct, which is why I am choosing to inflict it upon you to add to the horrors of the day. You have been warned:

( Grave Mistakes. )

And to start your day off on a properly horrible note, some limericks!

There once was a stylish vampire,
who sang in an unholy choir.
The group made him itch;
he begged, with a twitch,
"At least shed this Gothic attire!"

No? How about:

There once was a tragic vampire,
who felt unlife had become a quagmire
until he met Meg,
and nibbled her leg,
Woo-hoo! He remembered desire.

Too much? How about:

If tonight you encounter a Mummy,
remember to think of your tummy:
Keep your candy near,
whatever your fear –
the Mummy might make it quite scummy.

Ok, ok. Mummy fail. How about:

Said Dracula's Bride to the Mummy –
"Don't you think that we ought to be chummy?
We're twin monsters both,
And I wouldn't be loath,
Plus– your bandages might be quite yummy."

"Oh," the flattered Mummy replied,
And then he shuddered and sighed.
"See, if my lips touch you,
my linens will too,
And you'd end up being quite tied."

The Bride gave a delightful giggle,
and approached him with a lush wiggle,
She said, with a wink,
"Dude, that's my kink–
Come! Let me teach you to jiggle and squiggle!"

And so the Mummy and Dracula's Bride
swiftly disrobed and went inside
a nice pyramid,
with a supper of squid,
quite as if they had never died.

But the story has a terrible end,
for the Mummy and his new girlfriend.
When his ribbons fell,
he didn't quite swell –
And some things did not quite extend.

And so she stood up with a cry –
And a terrible look in her eye –
"I really don't think,
this quite meets my kink.
I can't even sip blood from your thigh!"

And so they both caught on fire,
the mummy and lovely vampire,
The reason for this?
No, not a kiss–
I just needed this ode to expire.

************

I think it's safe to say that I still haven't mastered the limerick.